Do you consider this bullying?

[wannabe]

SEE WHAT SHOPKINS HAS DONE.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I think my answer would change if the girls were teenagers and were purposefully talking about a weekend event to make another girl feel bad, but as described, this situation is not bullying.

[stinkyfeet]

That's not bullying at all. There is no taunting, degrading, meanness, etc

[junebug]

These posts always make me dread throwing parties for my kids when they reach school age. 

[W.T.Faulkner]

That mom is probably making it SO much worse for the little girl, too. When I was a little girl and I was left out of things, my mom was like, "Eh, who cares? Let's do something fun" and it made me feel so much better. If she had made a big deal out of it I would have thought it was a much bigger deal, and I would have felt even worse.

[miso]

At what age can you invite whomever the hell you want to your party?

I really want to know.

Because, seriously, if a kid sucks (and, yes, kids can suck), other kids shouldn't be obligated to have that sucky kid at their parties.

[junebug]

Jan 21, 2016 17:45:30 GMT -5 mp said:

As a kid it is a super shitty feeling to be left out. Hell, as an adult it can be, too - but now I have the self awareness & understanding that this is how life works.

BUT, I also don't think kids should be obligated to include every kid in plans, particularly if the child is a brat.

I don't know what the right answer here is, but I think that this type of behavior CAN be bullying, though saying it definitively is sounds a bit much.

I agree. I would not have been thrilled if I was forced to invite every kid from my class to my birthday party. Maybe I was a jerk kid...

[hopecounts]

Borderline for me, intentional exclusion of 1 person making them the outsider from the group can be a form of bullying.
It's a thin line from someone just not being liked to someone being made the rotten egg who is always cut out.

[hopecounts]

Jan 21, 2016 17:53:04 GMT -5 hiddendriveway said:

Jan 21, 2016 17:51:22 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Borderline for me, intentional exclusion of 1 person making them the outsider from the group can be a form of bullying.
It's a thin line from someone just not being liked to someone being made the rotten egg who is always cut out.

Is not excluding one person. In the sleepover case it was 5 girls out of 22.
For the other parties it was 8-10 girls out of 22.

Which is why I said borderline.
In 3rd grade there is no doubt the girls are picking up on the fact that this girl is particularly excluded from most events vs. the girls who simply weren't invited to this particular party but get invited to other things.

[cleo29]

As some of the parties get expensive to host, I am not able to invite an entire class. That is just the way it is and I don't think that has to change.

I do think the other girls can be more sensitive to the fact that not everyone is invited and those not invited are learning a life lesson that you will not always be included. That doesn't mean you can't feel hurt.

I wonder if the mom is more upset on her daughter's behalf.

[miso]

I don't know.

Maybe I will think differently when my child is older.

But, even in third grade, there are people who are your friends and people who aren't your friends.

I don't understand forcing children to invite people who aren't their friends to their parties.

And what if this girl who wasn't invited is, in fact, the actual bully? Why must a kid's bully be invited to a party?!

It's so crazy to me.

[Deleted]

I mean, I'm just thinking about my own childhood here.

Sometimes the whole group slept at Kelsey's. Sometimes Kim wasn't invited for whatever reason. Sometimes there were only 2 girls from our circle who had a sleepover. We all knew about it, no one cared. that's the way it goes.

[papie]

Jan 21, 2016 17:49:23 GMT -5 miso said:

At what age can you invite whomever the hell you want to your party?

I really want to know.

Because, seriously, if a kid sucks (and, yes, kids can suck), other kids shouldn't be obligated to have that sucky kid at their parties.

But when does a kid suck? According to who?

I mean we invite whoever the girls want, but they both know that they are not allowed to invite all the girls but one. That means class or group of friends. Like if they constantly play with a group of 5 girls at school, they can't decide to invite just 4 at a party.

[Deleted]

I don't see bullying here. I see a life lesson about sometimes you're not invited to everything and that's ok, or if you're not being invited to many things, why could that be? If this girl is unpleasant to be around, it won't hurt her to learn the girls feel that way, so she can work it out with them.

[lilafowler]

Jan 21, 2016 18:03:45 GMT -5 papie said:

Jan 21, 2016 17:49:23 GMT -5 miso said:

At what age can you invite whomever the hell you want to your party?

I really want to know.

Because, seriously, if a kid sucks (and, yes, kids can suck), other kids shouldn't be obligated to have that sucky kid at their parties.

But when does a kid suck? According to who?

You just know when a kid sucks.

[RoxMonster]

I couldn't tell from what you wrote (You mentioned them having another meeting with the counselor about something from two weeks ago as well)--is this the first and only time someone has brought up a party at school and the uninvited girl overheard?

If this was the first time it happened, and the girl who quietly mentioned the favor didn't realize the other person could/would overheard, feels bad about it, and it never happens again, then no, I don't think it's bullying. I think it's good to have a reminder about watching what we say/being kind around people who may not have been included in an activity we're discussing, but we all make mistakes and might inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. If we are more mindful going forward and have stopped the behavior, that's all we can really hope for, right?

If girls were purposely bringing it up around this girl in a taunting, mocking, exclusionary way, then yes, that would be a problem, especially if it kept happening. But from what you've written, that's not the impression I am getting, and I think some of this may be coming from the mom (like another poster said, making the girl even more upset than she would have been had Mom not said anything).

[Eagles]

I feel bad for the little girl who was only telling her friend that she liked her favor. She probably thinks she's to blame for this whole process of counselor meetings and class lectures.

[sailorgray]

I think the counselor was out-of-line here. If I understand correctly, she pretty much shamed the girls who mentioned the Shopkins. Gimme a break. She should have spent some time talking to the girl about her feelings. This falls in with that "every kid gets a trophy" logic that is running rampant. I agree that the mom is an issue here, too.

My DS is 6. He gets invited to parties, but not all. Just like he doesn't invite everyone to his parties. So and so doesn't give him the time of day. Why would he invite him to his party? Sure, he may get hurt when not invited, but it's not hard to make him understand that not everyone gets invited to everything.

[sofamonkey]

No, not bullying, but as Lucy says, they do need a lesson in kindness. In your OP you say it's ridiculous that they even have to consider being a little discreet about their parties, and I strongly disagree. it's just not kind to go on about something that people are excluded from, and it's possible that it comes across as taunting.

I'm glad they're involving the counselor, because theoretically the counselor is neutral and assessing BOTH sides of the interaction.

[lilafowler]

Obviously the only answer is to just not have parties.
Or sleepovers.
Or friends.
Then feelings will NEVER be hurt.

[cabbagecabbage]

I agree with sailorgray. If a counselor called my young daughter into a meeting and called her a bully over this, I'd be complaining.

[10nille]

It's an abuse of the word and meaning of bully. The counselor really is taking this to some extreme measure with these talks at lunch. The girl's mom is really setting her D up to some serious disappointment in life if she cannot get over not getting invited to a party. She to me is a bully.

[breezy]

That's annoying. It's definitely not bullying. I don't like the idea of telling kids that they can't talk about something they're excited about. I understand the idea of talking to kids about being mindful of other people's feelings. It would be different if they were flaunting it, but that's not the case. I think I'd be e-mailing the counselor.

[pitta12]

Isn't it equally shitty to assume that those who can't afford to invite the entire class should just have no birthday party at all?

[demofea01]

No. I don't think this is bullying. Kids are allowed to have friends and they are allowed to invite only those friends to sleepovers and parties. I do feel bad for the girl being excluded but there are probably good reasons no one wants to invite her over. Her mom is making it worse. This is not a situation where the whole class except the one wasn't invited. That would be different.

[1confused1]

ThIs situation makes my blood boil.

Should we all just wrap our kids in bubble wrap to protect them from the real world?

[miso]

Jan 21, 2016 18:03:45 GMT -5 papie said:

Jan 21, 2016 17:49:23 GMT -5 miso said:

At what age can you invite whomever the hell you want to your party?

I really want to know.

Because, seriously, if a kid sucks (and, yes, kids can suck), other kids shouldn't be obligated to have that sucky kid at their parties.

But when does a kid suck? According to who?

I mean we invite whoever the girls want, but they both know that they are not allowed to invite all the girls but one. That means class or group of friends. Like if they constantly play with a group of 5 girls at school, they can't decide to invite just 4 at a party.

A kid sucks when, according to the birthday kid, that kid is mean to her.

I would be so irritated if my child had to invite her tormentor to her birthday party!

WTF?

[redheadk]

I would be very unhappy that my child had to have lunch in the counselor's office solely because she attended a birthday party that not all children were invited to. Should she have screened the guest list before agreeing to attend? I would be requesting a meeting with the counselor and principal to discuss and making it clear that my child is not to miss out on the normal routines at school for things like this again. I'd also ask her to explain her view of bullying to me since she seems confused, which is very concerning when we are talking about a school counselor.

The counselor was very out of line. There absolutely can be situations involving birthday parties that are bullying but this is not one.

[papie]

Jan 21, 2016 18:30:54 GMT -5 miso said:

Jan 21, 2016 18:03:45 GMT -5 papie said:

But when does a kid suck? According to who?

I mean we invite whoever the girls want, but they both know that they are not allowed to invite all the girls but one. That means class or group of friends. Like if they constantly play with a group of 5 girls at school, they can't decide to invite just 4 at a party.

A kid sucks when, according to the birthday kid, that kid is mean to her.

I would be so irritated if my child had to invite her tormentor to her birthday party!

WTF?

lol I don't make them invite the kid they hate.  I will ask them to find a solution that does not include leaving ONE kid out.  Because that is mean.  So far they've always managed without much drama.  

[olegregg]

It's not bullying, but it's plain bad manners for the girls to talk about parties/get togethers/what have you in front of kids who haven't been invited. I remember this happening to me as a kid, and while my mom wasn't demanding and I wasn't bossy, I can see how it can still be hurtful in this situation.