Last night the guy I had been dating and I got into a domestic dispute. The entire situation was so bizarre that I don't even know where to begin describing it. The short version is that we were having a regular conversation about my car just being stolen (see other post- good times). This was at 11pm and I had to be at work the next morning an hour away. He told me there was no point in worrying about it and I said, "you're just saying that because this is not your car".
He completely flew off of the handle. Like, crazy town.
He started screaming at me, pacing around his apartment, saying I thought he was a liar and that I didn't love him, that I treated him like shit, calling me a crazy bitch, etc. There was a point where he got up in my face. Imagine in the movies when you see a guy go completely insane... that is how this was. It was so, so crazy and bizarre. The weirdest thing was that I said nothing else to engage in his behavior other than telling him he was scaring me and crying, and things continued to escalate.
I had NO CAR to be able to leave. I had my dog with me, I live an hour from him, and none of my friends were answering their phones.
I tried to lock myself in a bedroom and he tried to beat it down while screaming that I was disrespecting him. I ended up calling the police and they helped me get out of the apartment. I took an Uber home. To make it MM, a 60-minute Uber ride is $65.
That all happened last night and think it is just now hitting me about everything that happened. I live by myself and I'm scared to go to sleep tonight. I live about an hour from everyone I know, have a dog and have no car... so those are a few obstacles for me staying with someone for a few days. I will prob get a rental tomorrow. My sister told me she could come this weekend to help me and stay with me. My mom offered to come but I just had surgery 3 weeks ago and she took a lot of PTO to help me then.
I have a shovel, a knife and some wasp spray in my bedroom with the door locked, but that's about it.
We had been dating for 4 months and this is the first time he has ever acted like that. I don't *think* he would try to do anything to me but I guess I really have no idea what he is capable of. He sent me a text message last night telling me I'm an awful human being and to never talk to him again, but I haven't heard from him today. I thought about getting a restraining order but since he hasn't tried to contact me yet, I think that might make things worse.
I have a key to his place, a bottle of his Rx meds and his parking garage opener. I am thinking these things are an excuse for him to contact me and that I should mail them back to him?
I'm 100% sure it is only a matter of time that he starts sending me lengthy text messages and/or shows up at my place. I have no idea how to deal with either of these scenarios. I feel pretty confident that if I ignore his texts that he will come to my house. I don't think he would continue to harrass me if I completely shut things down, though.
I have never, ever in my life felt as scared as I did last night. I thought he was going to kill me. If the police hadn't come, he definitely would have put his hands on me, if not worse. I feel like this all came out of nowhere and I have no idea what to think about how to deal with it.
My house has a security system included in my rent that I've never activated because I live out in the country. I'm going to call my landlord in the AM to get that set up. My mom told me I need to show my neighbors a picture of my X and his car, and ask them to call the police if they ever see him in my neighborhood. She said I also need to talk to security at my work and do the same thing, although I'm not sure I want to get work involved until he does something else. He has never had a key to my place so I don't think I need to change the locks. I've seriously considered buying a gun. Do you think I need to do anything else? Talk to the police here? It's in a different county than the original incident.
I'm going to say document everything and keep copies of the text. Do not text him back or engage him in any way. You may want to call a Domestic Violence Hotline and ask their advice.
I'm terribly sorry this happened. Please please please don't fall prey to the cycle of domestic violence by letting him into your life again. Engage security system, circulate a photo as your mom suggested, file a restraining order, go to all legal lengths to protect yourself. Bear spray sounds like a better option than a gun.
cuadrado, I'm going to write something that is really alarming, and I'm sorry for potentially scaring you. Did you have a spare set of keys to your apartment or car in your apartment? Is there any chance that he could have taken either set of keys?
Like I said, small chance, but I didn't want to leave it unsaid.
Post by orangeblossom on Jan 26, 2016 1:44:10 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I would call the domestic abuse hotline for next steps and just to talk it out.
I would do the restraining order, and I would see about how sending his stuff may affect that. I'd be tempted to go to the post office on my way to the courthouse to get the RO or have someone else send it.
Note, I don't know if fhat is the "righ" way, just thinking out loud to get the butthole his stuff and the RO at the same time. Of course getting the RO is more important, you just want to have no reason whatsoever for you to talk to him and vice verse.
You know you're none of the things he said, and while alcohol may have fueled his response, he's shown you who he is. Listen. If he comes apologizing, don't take the "I'm drunk" excuse.
Do you think he may have had something to do with your car being stolen? The secure garage and anger out of nowhere just sends up red flags to me a bit.
cuadrado , I'm going to write something that is really alarming, and I'm sorry for potentially scaring you. Did you have a spare set of keys to your apartment or car in your apartment? Is there any chance that he could have taken either set of keys?
Like I said, small chance, but I didn't want to leave it unsaid.
I only have 1 spare key to my house and I have it. I'm 100% sure that there is no way he could have made a spare copy to my house key... it's on my key ring with my car keys and he has never had those in his possession. He's never been alone in my house and doesn't even know about the spare key.
My sister is convinced he has something to do with my car missing. I really don't think he did. The car was stolen before any of this happened. Also the timing... he got tickets to the playoff game and I realized the car was gone right before we were supposed to leave for the game. I filed the police report and it made us late. The game was the whole reason I was there that weekend, so I feel like if he was trying to do something manipulative that he wouldn't have picked that day to do it.
He lives in a luxury apartment complex and has $$$$ so there would be no financial benefit. The cops said they have a ton of police reports of things being stolen out of cars from that parking garage. They also have had several stolen cars reports in the complexes surrounding this.
BUT who knows. Maybe he did. It's crazy to even think about.
I would call the domestic abuse hotline for next steps and just to talk it out.
I would do the restraining order, and I would see about how sending his stuff may affect that. I'd be tempted to go to the post office on my way to the courthouse to get the RO or have someone else send it.
Note, I don't know if fhat is the "righ" way, just thinking out loud to get the butthole his stuff and the RO at the same time. Of course getting the RO is more important, you just want to have no reason whatsoever for you to talk to him and vice verse.
You know you're none of the things he said, and while alcohol may have fueled his response, he's shown you who he is. Listen. If he comes apologizing, don't take the "I'm drunk" excuse.
Hug s. I'm so happy you're safe.
I was just thinking about this same thing. Maybe overnighting his crap to him and then getting the RO the next day or something.
There is no way in hell I would ever accept any sort of apology from him. Ever. And really, I have never done or said anything unkind to him at all in any way, shape or form. So for him to say I am the worst human being he's ever met and that I treat him like shit just makes everything even crazier to me.
I would call the domestic abuse hotline for next steps and just to talk it out.
I would do the restraining order, and I would see about how sending his stuff may affect that. I'd be tempted to go to the post office on my way to the courthouse to get the RO or have someone else send it.
Note, I don't know if fhat is the "righ" way, just thinking out loud to get the butthole his stuff and the RO at the same time. Of course getting the RO is more important, you just want to have no reason whatsoever for you to talk to him and vice verse.
You know you're none of the things he said, and while alcohol may have fueled his response, he's shown you who he is. Listen. If he comes apologizing, don't take the "I'm drunk" excuse.
Hug s. I'm so happy you're safe.
I was just thinking about this same thing. Maybe overnighting his crap to him and then getting the RO the next day or something.
There is no way in hell I would ever accept any sort of apology from him. Ever. And really, I have never done or said anything unkind to him at all in any way, shape or form. So for him to say I am the worst human being he's ever met and that I treat him like shit just makes everything even crazier to me.
Do it all the same day if at all possible. Getting him his stuff is secondary to the RO, IMO.
What a scary situation. You handled yourself so well!
I agree with others about work. Schedule a meeting with HR and inform them that should he call or come to see you are not available. Also, if you get the RO see about extending it to your workplace.
If money is a concern contact your local bar association to see if they can help with the filing.
I'm a regular on the SO board, but I saw your post and wanted to comment.
You should be really proud of yourself for taking the right steps for getting out of a horrible situation.
You should go and get the RO. You will most likely have a court date and you can bring his stuff to court and have the bailiff give him his belongings and there will be a court record of returning his things.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also a victim of domestic violence. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me.
I haven't read all the replies yet, but I am so, so sorry that you are going through this - but so proud of you that you found a way to get the hell outta there.
A great place to start is a frank discussion (or more) with the National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 They also have live chat available. The volunteers and staff there are superb, and can recommend specific actions, connect you to local resources, etc. You may be pleasantly surprised to find very local resources available.
While I commend you for thinking of your safety, I also have to urge against a gun. I am a proud, trained gun-owner, but have nearly a decade of training and experience with handguns, specifically, under my belt. I would not suggest this as a short-term solution. Instead, consider investing in some self-defense classes with a local expert. Many karate centers offer this - speaking to their management is a great place to start. Look into your local laws and consider something like a powerful pepper spray / mace. Basic home security is also very wise - a monitored system in the short term can give you extra peace of mind.
In regard to notification, I'd also recommend you alert friendly neighbors and your workplace HR & security departments. Photos and vehicle information is exactly what they would need handy. And, continue to follow up with the police for documentation. You may or may not consider a restraining order - for some abusers, unfortunately a restraining order triggers their need for contact. Same with anything you have of his - I would get an expert perspective on this before sending anything to him. Even if you do so anonymously, he knows it is from you, and could therefore put you back in the center of his radar.
Longer-term, I suggest the book, "The Gift of Fear." The author, Gavin deBecker, is a security expert and it is a very useful read. (ETA: Here is a link to learn more about the book & also explore Gavin's website, which has resources available on it, too: gavindebecker.com/resources/book/the_gift_of_fear/ )
One other thing - is there any way he would know about your activity on this forum? If so, you may want to re-create a username or take additional steps to create an even more anonymous presence. I do not mean to raise an alert where there shouldn't be one, but use your best judgement.
And, I'll reiterate - what you did to protect yourself was right on & I hope you continue to stay safe and well-supported. Hugs and power to you, sister.
I have no advice that hasn't already been said, but lots of support. I'm so sorry that so many bad things happened all at once. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Definitely have your sister come stay for the weekend.
I am so sorry that this happened. It sounds terrifying. I think calling the DV hotline is a great idea. I bet they will have all sorts of ideas and resources for you.
Post by jerseyjaybird on Jan 26, 2016 8:36:10 GMT -5
I am so sorry to red this, and so proud of you----you did an incredible job keeping yourself safe.
Rather than trying to sort through the options available to you yourself, I agree with @shoegal's advice to give the national hotline a call and get connected with immediate support and local resources. In all likelihood, there is a local group that can send an advocate to the police station and/or to court with you, and probably also a domestic violence resource officer in the police force who can guide you through returning his stuff, taking necessary precautions, etc. My experience with the police and the local resource group was amazing, and I hope that yours is, too.
You seem really clear-headed, and I trust you to know what you need to do to protect yourself. That said, you will want to be on the lookout over the next many months for symptoms of PTSD, which may or may not present. If they do, a gun is probably not the best option.
I'm a survivor of domestic violence, too----happy to answer any questions here or by PM.
Post by explorer2001 on Jan 26, 2016 8:39:00 GMT -5
Everything @shoegal said is correct.
Contact the hotline. Listen to the police. Get a copy of the report and keep it with you. Also get the police from last night in touch with your local police. HR should be able to handle things confidentially for you, so alert your work.
As for returning his things or serving the restraining order - be very careful. I want you to be safe. It may be possible for the police to return his things. As to the RO... Here's my story. My exH was abusive. When I ended it and divorced him, it got an RO but both the police and the therapist (who started out as marriage counselling and convinced me to leave) told me not to serve him. They said it would set him off and he might escalate further (actually kill me). The advice I received was to carry the RO with me, call the police if he ever came back/threatened me again. They could serve him and arrest him on the spot but I wouldn't risk triggering him.
Consider if counselling may help you deal with this, now or in the future. It is tramatic to go through what you went through and are going through.
A couple of books for later: Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
I'm so proud of you for knowing you don't deserve any of this. You are a wonderful person who deserves love and support. Hugs.
I will try to pm you later. Please feel free to reach out to us if you need any support.
(hugs) You are so strong and did all the right things. What a shitty weekend. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.
FWIW, I would ABSOLUTELY get the alarm system activated immediately. I lived right next to the police station and I had an insane X-stalker many years ago, that broke in to my house multiple times even though my front door was clearly visible from the driveway to the police station and their office door. I say that not to scare you, but to caution you that when someone is in that frame of mind, they can be fearless. Ugh, I hate this for you. Talk to your local resources. You've gotten such great advice here. I hope he simply stays away. Keep checking-in so we know you are safe.
You have gotten a bunch of wonderful advice (the ladies here rock), but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for getting yourself out of there safely. I am not sure I would have been so level-headed in your shoes. Stay safe. {{{hugs}}}
Post by dr.girlfriend on Jan 26, 2016 9:12:13 GMT -5
I'm so sorry that happened to you, that sounds absolutely terrifying and it seems like you handled things as well as you possibly could. I agree with calling domestic violence helplines to get advice, and also checking in with the local police. Maybe they'll blow you off, but maybe they'll send a patrol around or just keep it in mind in case they get a call from your area. I'm glad your sister is coming this weekend. Is there someone else you could stay with for a little while, even if you have to commute an hour to work? Just until you know how he's going to handle it from here. I'm glad he sent you a "I don't ever want to hear from you again" contact, but I can understand not trusting it.
Hugs from me. My dad is bipolar and has those kind of rage episodes that are set off by absolutely nothing, and it's terrifying.