Domestic violence help

[mbcdefg]

So sorry this happened to you *hugs*

[KaraOrNot]

I don't have any other advice, but hugs. What a terrifying situation to be in. Stay safe!

[sfy]

You have already gotten great advice and I've nothing else to offer. I am just really glad that you're safe and treating this situation seriously. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

[scm1011]

You have already gotten great advice, so I just want to add hugs. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry! You are so strong for doing all the right things and getting out of that situation. Yes, get the restraining order. Please contact the domestic violence hotline, they can offer you solid advice, especially regarding returning his things. I agree with Stan and @shoegal that a gun isn't the way to go here, the DM hotline should be able to tell you some good options for protecting yourself and I like Shoegal's suggestion of a self defense class. If you met this guy on a dating website, block him now so he can't contact you there, and report him to the site. If you need anything please message me here or on FB.

[jillboston]

I am so sorry.

1. this is not your fault.
2. do.not.engage.EVER AGAIN
3. call the experts - the DV hotlines posted above and follow their advice to the letter.
4. DO NOT ENGAGE EVER

[isitnaptime]

Holy crap, how terrible! I would get the restraining order for sure, probably not the gun unless you've had training, but maybe sign up for training?  Activate the alarm for sure.  You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders about this nightmare, but obviously don't check in places on social media as to where you are for a long time, if ever again.  I would not communicate with him at all, just do not engage.  Hopefully the fact that the cops came to his place to help you get out will be enough for him to leave you alone.

[aurora]

I am so sorry this happened to you and wanted to reiterate that you did a great job taking care of yourself to get out of a horrible situation. We're here for you if there's something we can do to help.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Oh wow. How scary! I don't have any better advice than what you've already recieved, but I'm glad you are safe.

[ladyk]

You are very brave. I would tell your employer (or the security at the building) so they can keep an eye out. My security folks have specficially asked for that information so they are better prepared. Make sure you change up your routine (driving to/from work, dog walks, grocery stores) and just be aware of your surroundings.

Peace be with you.

[liveintheville]

What a horrible situation. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Many hugs!

[tacosforlife]

I am so glad you were able to get out of that situation. I agree with the advice of calling a DV hotline and going from there. And I also agree with the advice to not engage. As for getting his stuff back to him, talk to the DV hotline folks. I'm sure they've dealt with this before and can advise you on how best to proceed.

I hope everything goes smoothly from here on out and that you do not have to deal with this asshole again, but good for you for wanting to be pro-active.

[audette]

Holy shit. @shoegal is smart.

You did a great job taking care of yourself last night. Go you!

[genet313]

I have no advice, but Stan and 10nille have good advice.  I am so, so sorry this happened to you.  I'm glad you're away from him.

[steph96]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you stay safe. Hugs.

[pinkdutchtulips]

i am in full agreement w/ Stan and @shoegal NO GUNS !! its too easy for you to be overpowered and have the gun you purchased for 'your' protection to be turned against you w/ disastrous consequences.

i left my now xh bc of DV among other things and i got an RO ... i would suggest the same for you and DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT everything. My xh was prosecuted for violating the RO bc every text he sent me after he was served (your county sheriff's office can do this free of charge) was immediately forwarded to the PD. Every time he came to my place, i called the PD and they were there in 5 minutes on foot, tasers drawn. Part of his sentence, along with jail time, was a Criminal Protective Order that keeps him 300 yards away from dd and myself (it covers her schoo/daycare, my office, my apt) for the next TEN years ! i cannot begin to tell you what kind of peace of mind i had w/ the RO and the CPO.

Filing a Temp Restraining Order is fairly simple, just be straightforward as to what happened and why you feel threatened. i'd have the TRO/RO cover your office and apt. I'd file the TRO then overnight him his stuff and have the sheriff's office serve the TRO on him. In most jurisdictions this is a free service for all DV TRO/ROs. Once he's served, start keeping a log of calls, texts, emails, contacts - a friend of mine gave me this invaluable nugget of advice, DO NOT ENGAGE THE CRAZY. When you go to court, have this handy. Once the RO is granted, the sheriff's office may serve that free too ... double check.

im sorry you are going through this. if you have any questions, feel free to PM me ...

[crashgizmo]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I agree with others that you did everything right and I'm so glad you got out of there safely.

You've received some great advice, and I want to echo @shoegal's suggestion of reading "The Gift of Fear" when you are ready. I found it incredibly helpful after getting out of an abusive situation.

[Deleted]

I don't have any further advice, just hugs. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[flatlan]

Big hugs! Stay strong!

[cuadrado]

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions. I have read all of your responses and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and giving advice. You ladies are truly awesome.

I got my rental car today so I feel a little less helpless in that sense.

The bizarre thing about this scenario is that we dated for 4 months and this was not an abusive relationship in any way prior to this specific night. No verbal abuse. No aggression. I thought we just had fun and were enjoying each other. I think getting my car stolen was a blessing in disguise so that I could see who he really was and get out before I became more invested and something worse happened.

Now that I have been in this situation, I can completely see how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. That entire night I was just thinking if I hadn't made the comment about my car that none of this would have happened. Now that I've absorbed everything, I see how absurd that sounds.

[5thofjuly]

Jan 26, 2016 20:14:57 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions. I have read all of your responses and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and giving advice. You ladies are truly awesome.

I got my rental car today so I feel a little less helpless in that sense.

The bizarre thing about this scenario is that we dated for 4 months and this was not an abusive relationship in any way prior to this specific night. No verbal abuse. No aggression. I thought we just had fun and were enjoying each other. I think getting my car stolen was a blessing in disguise so that I could see who he really was and get out before I became more invested and something worse happened.

Now that I have been in this situation, I can completely see how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. That entire night I was just thinking if I hadn't made the comment about my car that none of this would have happened. Now that I've absorbed everything, I see how absurd that sounds.

That's actually not bizarre at all. If he'd done that on the first date, there never would have been a second. These guys are very calculating and manipulative.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jan 26, 2016 20:14:57 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions. I have read all of your responses and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and giving advice. You ladies are truly awesome.

I got my rental car today so I feel a little less helpless in that sense.

The bizarre thing about this scenario is that we dated for 4 months and this was not an abusive relationship in any way prior to this specific night. No verbal abuse. No aggression. I thought we just had fun and were enjoying each other. I think getting my car stolen was a blessing in disguise so that I could see who he really was and get out before I became more invested and something worse happened.

Now that I have been in this situation, I can completely see how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. That entire night I was just thinking if I hadn't made the comment about my car that none of this would have happened. Now that I've absorbed everything, I see how absurd that sounds.

mine went nuts (for the first time) 6 months in ... It took me 12 more YEARS !! (marrying him and having a child w him) before I finally worked up the courage and confidence to leave.

[patbutcher]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and ended up going to court (had to face him) and getting a RO.

Please no guns.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you are ok.

[explorer2001]

Jan 26, 2016 21:02:38 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

Jan 26, 2016 20:14:57 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions. I have read all of your responses and I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and giving advice. You ladies are truly awesome.

I got my rental car today so I feel a little less helpless in that sense.

The bizarre thing about this scenario is that we dated for 4 months and this was not an abusive relationship in any way prior to this specific night. No verbal abuse. No aggression. I thought we just had fun and were enjoying each other. I think getting my car stolen was a blessing in disguise so that I could see who he really was and get out before I became more invested and something worse happened.

Now that I have been in this situation, I can completely see how someone can stay in an abusive relationship. That entire night I was just thinking if I hadn't made the comment about my car that none of this would have happened. Now that I've absorbed everything, I see how absurd that sounds.

That's actually not bizarre at all. If he'd done that on the first date, there never would have been a second. These guys are very calculating and manipulative.

This is so accurate. Sadly abusers are aware on some level that they have to hook someone first. There is a whole batch of research about honeymoon periods at the beginning, cycles of abuse and then the abuser behaving better cyclically, harming and then then caring for the wounds they cause creating tramatic bonding. There is no way someone would be with someone who treated them like garbage on the first date, but after months of good behavior/investment/creation of some tie or indebtedness their true colors come out.

[jillboston]

Jan 28, 2016 8:28:43 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Jan 26, 2016 21:02:38 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

That's actually not bizarre at all. If he'd done that on the first date, there never would have been a second. These guys are very calculating and manipulative.

This is so accurate. Sadly abusers are aware on some level that they have to hook someone first. There is a whole batch of research about honeymoon periods at the beginning, cycles of abuse and then the abuser behaving better cyclically, harming and then then caring for the wounds they cause creating tramatic bonding. There is no way someone would be with someone who treated them like garbage on the first date, but after months of good behavior/investment/creation of some tie or indebtedness their true colors come out.

yes. It's the old "how do you boil a frog". You don't stick her in hot boiling water - she would jump out. You put her in a pot slowly raising the heat until she can't escape.

[curbsideprophet]

Just now seeing this. Glad you are okay. I am so sorry, that sounds terrifying.

[MrsE]

That sounds terrifying. Hopefully you have taken the advice of others to call the DV hotline. I have nothing to add other than my Ts and Ps as you deal with this situations. Sending big hugs.

[compassrose]

Holy crap. You are so level headed and brave! I'm so glad you are safe and have gotten great advice to stay safe. What a shitty thing that you have to deal with this.

[sent]

PDQ, I will DD.

From everything I have read (and sadly experienced), this is emotional abuse. Since the police are taking you seriously*, then be sure to document everything. I'm sorry this happened to you. FWIW, the person in my life who did this never came around to stalk or physically harm me and didn't bother to send lengthy texts or attempt to call. He just liked to blow up and belittle me whenever he felt like it and it was usually completely out of nowhere, just like you described.  Sounds like you are early in the relationship. This behavior unfortunately repeats and everything I have read says it's very hard for the person to change.  It could happen but seeing as you are not tied to this person, why chance it.  If you were my daughter, I would tell you this d-bag is truly a d-bag and is not worth it.  

*The police where I lived told me they can't do anything about emotional abuse unless there was something physical that happened. Not a single thing, not even a report. The words "this is a dispute between a married couple, kiss and make up" were used. All this sage advice was given while they could clearly see a small baby in the home. They did say I could leave which me and the baby did, but not all women have that choice and it's sad to think that they call for help and get nothing.