How to set spending guidelines for spouse's expensive hobby?

[heliocentric]

Here is the TLDR version:

DH wants to do an activity that costs $600-1000 each time.
He wants to do this at least 4 times this year.
There are likely other costs associated for "supplies" not counted above. These could exceed $1000.
We are not hurting for money, but we are also not rolling in it.
DH LOVES this hobby. I tend to be rather frugal.
How do we decide what is a reasonable amount for him to spend?

Full version:

DH loves cars. A few years ago be bought a sporty car as his daily driver. This is not an expensive or fancy car by any means (Ford Focus ST) and I know he'd have purchased something more expensive if I hadn't been so adamant about not spending a lot of money.

DH made friends with the local Porsche club and gets invited to their track days. He did this maybe twice last year and now he's hooked and wants to do more. So far he has mentioned 4 events he wants to attend. Each event costs a few hundred dollars to attend (let's say $300 average, but I'm not sure). Plus he needs track insurance to cover the car, which is almost $200 each event. Then there is gas (you burn a lot of gas driving fast), hotels for out of town events, etc. Not to mention the periodic replacement and upgrade of parts. And since his old helmet has expired he needs to spend several hundred on a new one.

We are quite comfortable financially, but I still think that's a lot of money. However, I tend to be kind of frugal so I'm not sure what is reasonable. This isn't going to prevent us from paying bills, but it's also not like we have all this extra money lying around. The money will come from somewhere else like a vacation fund or general savings. I don't mean we'd take money from savings to pay or not funding retirement, but there would be some months we'd save less to cover this.

We don't have separate fun money accounts, but maybe we need to set that up. I might also go through the budget line by line to ask where he wants to cut to cover this. I handle the money, so I'm not sure he's thinking through the details.

If you or your spouse has an expensive hobby, how do you decide what's reasonable? Any suggestions?


ETA: Fixed a typo. This ISN'T going to prevent us from paying bills!

[Deleted]

My husband does scuba and typically pays for it with fun money he saves up but if he dips into the vacation fund (he only scuba dives while on vacation) I don't really mind. I spend more frivolously than he does so it evens out to me.

In your situation (with no fun money) I would make sure you guys were on the same page about the amount he plans on spending. I get my hair colored every other month usually and take money out of the general household budget but that's something that we anticipate happening and I'm sure my husband would have a problem if I started getting my hair colored more frequently. So if you're not comfortable with 4 times a year and want to propose twice a year, etc. I would just bring it up and talk to him about it.

[Susie]

I have an expensive hobby (triathlon). I've bought 3 bikes in the last 5 years, paid for coaching one year, I enter races that cost $200 or so per race, plus travel, plus nutrition products and clothes/gear for training, yada yada. I'm sure it's at least as expensive as what you're talking about, OP. Calvin does not have a comparably expensive hobby. We also don't have his and hers "fun money" lines in the budget. The only difference is perhaps that since I handle the money, it's not really in his face how much we spend on my hobby. I don't hide it or anything, he just never cares to log into Mint. I'm sure on some level he knows we spend a lot more on my hobby than any of his, but he DGAF. It's not about dollar for dollar equality. I have something I'm super into, and we can afford it, so I do it. I don't generally say no when it comes to his hobbies either.

We spend the money even though we have big student loans, and even though it probably takes away from vacations/savings/SL payoff/home improvement/etc. Shrug. I'm not on board with denying one partner the opportunity to do something they love because of some generic "but the money could be better spent" type argument. Obviously there is being MM, but there is living a little too!

ETA:  I suppose one other component of it for us is that I am the one with the expensive hobby, but I'm also the one who makes the bonuses that pay for the big purchases, like the bikes.  I don't buy one unless I've made the money to pay for it.

[CrazyLucky]

DH's hobby is photography, which gets pretty damn expensive. For things like lenses and other accessories, he usually asks for and saves us gift cards for a photography equipment website. For the camera body, we save up for it. Although it's his hobby, we both get something out of it, since I get great pics of my kids, so I deal with it. We're pretty much in the same financial situation as you are, comfortable, but not rolling in money. I would seriously have an issue with him spending $4000 every year on his hobby. I would definitely sit down and go through the budget. Talk about your goals. Does he want to retire at 60? Maybe show him how an extra $4000 a year that doesn't go into savings means he retires at 62 instead. I would definitely be willing to compromise on this, but I wouldn't give in completely.

[Pom]

Meh, I probably wouldn't be thrilled, but if you guys can afford it, I wouldn't get too worked up. I'd try to make a budget together and hopefully stick to it.

Mr. P's hobby is aquaponics and I wouldn't like to post here the $$ that was spent on his projects last year. And BTW, we are moving, so yeah, plenty of loss on that front. Also, just because he grew me some cabbages that equal $98 a piece, that argument didn't fly either. We seriously could have bought a shit ton of produce and meat, for what was spent. However, it is/was his therapy, so what the hell.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Fun money & make it a reasonable amount so he can go a few times but still has to prioritize his other spending.

I like to travel to Vegas a few times a year. DH couldn't care less. We get a decent amount of fun money every month so I just save up. Some years I go once to Vegas because I spent too much money on stupid stuff. Other years I go 3x bc I was more diligent about saving.

[heliocentric]

Thanks for all the perspectives. This is all good stuff to think about. I suspect he hasn't really done the math, so I think doing that and looking at the budget is a good place to start a discussion.

Pom, I know it's not funny, but the $98 cabbage cracked me up.

[Deleted]

I would make it a line item in the budget so it was easier to track but I guess I wouldn't balk too much. If it evolves to something he is doing more often than 4x per year I might say something but if you can manage $5-6k/year and it is something he loves I would let it go.

[farfalla2011]

DH and I don't have separate fun money, but he's the one with the expensive wants. He's also a car guy. Right now, the biggest reason we revamped our entire budget is to allocate money for him to buy a car. I don't love that we will be spending what he wants to on a car, but at the same time, we've lined out in our budget what we would be okay with as a car payment and how much that requires us to save up. I did make sure things that are important to me didn't get left out of our budget (vacations). I agree with living a bit and budgeting for it. I would just make sure you both discuss what things are priorities for both of you and make sure they are both accounted for. That doesn't mean they have to equate to the same amount of money, they just have to not leave anyone out within reason.

[ECB]

Jan 27, 2016 16:31:01 GMT -5 Susie said:

  I'm not on board with denying one partner the opportunity to do something they love because of some generic "but the money could be better spent" type argument. Obviously there is being MM, but there is living a little too!

 

This is where I fall big picture.  And to add- I'm the spouse who DOESN'T benefit from this mentality. 

DH twice has taken an all guys trip to the BVIs.  Did I want to go? Sure.  would HE have preferred to go with me?  Yes.  But in the end, these were opportunities offered to him and he took it.  I gladly supported him in going.

He's also into running.  It's not a HUGE expense, but it's a heck of a lot more than what I spend on any kind of hobby I have. 

But again- he enjoys it, it makes him happy.  I can't imagine saying no to that based on "well, the money could be better used elsewhere" w/o actually having anything concrete to direct that money to.

Yes, clearly if $$ was a problem, you weren't meeting your other goals- then putting $$$ to a hobby needs to be watched carefully.  But if reality is you really CAN afford it but it just feels like "so much", eh...I woudln't begrudge him this hobby. 

[Pom]

Jan 27, 2016 18:02:46 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

Thanks for all the perspectives. This is all good stuff to think about. I suspect he hasn't really done the math, so I think doing that and looking at the budget is a good place to start a discussion.

Pom , I know it's not funny, but the $98 cabbage cracked me up.

It is funny. I haven't done the actual math, because I really don't want to know.  LOL

His big outdoor aquaponics system did get sold on Craig's List to a guy with a young son that was all excited about learning how to grow his own food.  It was NOWHERE NEAR what we spent on it (experimentations, pumps, heaters, feeders, piping, containers) but yeah, we are helping some family to their kids to grow food and helping them towards their $ goals, so that made me feel warm and fuzzy. That's worth it right? 

[redheadk]

Well. My DH is into cars and if you figure it out, let me know. BTW, your DH likely needs track tires. More good news!! My DH does track days with the Lotus Club (yeah, NOT good for the wallet).

He has 3 cars. A Cadillac CTS-v that he runs on the track with track tires and uses evenings/weekends with road tires, a Chevy Volt as his daily driver, and a '55 Plymouth Belvedere in the garage that he's rebuilding. We get car parts delivered 3-4 times a week. It is OOC.

I once came home from work, enormously pregnant, DH out of town, to find track tires on my front porch. No warning. We actually went to Germany so that he could drive the Nurburgring while I was pregnant.

I hate this hobby. The ONLY upside to it is that at least he's home in the garage for much of it and he's more than happy to have DD with him.

But, your DH's expenses sounds pretty reasonable. I'd just work out what you think will fit into your budget and lifestyle. If that is 3x a year instead of 4, then that's the deal. Maybe work out a monthly budget for him. He can roll it over to another month for track days or spend it but he can only spend what's there. That might also help him see how much it's really costing you.

[MrsE]

Ditto pps on having a fun money allowance. You each get a certain amount per month, per year, etc. to save up or spend as you please.

[qwerty]

My DH partially funds his hobby by selling things on EBay. He uses that money as fun money to buy the things he does want.

I say as long as you can afford it and you're not using savings to pay for it, let him go ahead with the racing.

[heliocentric]

Jan 27, 2016 18:58:10 GMT -5 redheadk said:

Well. My DH is into cars and if you figure it out, let me know. BTW, your DH likely needs track tires. More good news!! My DH does track days with the Lotus Club (yeah, NOT good for the wallet).

He has 3 cars. A Cadillac CTS-v that he runs on the track with track tires and uses evenings/weekends with road tires, a Chevy Volt as his daily driver, and a '55 Plymouth Belvedere in the garage that he's rebuilding. We get car parts delivered 3-4 times a week. It is OOC.

I once came home from work, enormously pregnant, DH out of town, to find track tires on my front porch. No warning. We actually went to Germany so that he could drive the Nurburgring while I was pregnant.

I hate this hobby. The ONLY upside to it is that at least he's home in the garage for much of it and he's more than happy to have DD with him.

But, your DH's expenses sounds pretty reasonable. I'd just work out what you think will fit into your budget and lifestyle. If that is 3x a year instead of 4, then that's the deal. Maybe work out a monthly budget for him. He can roll it over to another month for track days or spend it but he can only spend what's there. That might also help him see how much it's really costing you.

So far he has a designated set of tires for track days, but I'm sure they won't last long. Then there are the brakes (already upgraded, but he'll need new pads), etc. And he's mentioned getting a dedicated track car with roll cage. You know the deal. I'm also worried about him being sucked into even more. Most of the people in the club have designated track cars, some are $80k+. That's SO FAR out of our league.

I'm really trying to be reasonable, but want to keep it from getting ridiculous.

[mainelyfoolish]

My DH loves cars but we don't have the kind of money (or vehicle) to race for real, so he makes do with an XBox One and Forza 6.

[Poppy]

Ugh, yeah that sounds like it could escalate. I think agreeing together on a budget and where it will come from will help, though someone needs to track it and he needs to be held accountable if he goes over, IMO.

DH has some expensive hobbies and I try to be supportive because I do think life is about living and passion is important. I admit I'm more supportive of hobbies that I deem "good for him" such as hockey (exercise) and hobby electronics (helps with job prospects and keeps him learning). I talked him out of homebrewing because I felt it was in the opposite category (would be bad for both of us, really, in terms of health).

[krystee]

My H's hobby is flying, to the tune of $6K per year. It is so expensive, but I have never seen anyone love a hobby the way he loves flying. I am willing to pretend we make $6K less for him to be that happy. Life is short.

I also use it as leverage when I want something expensive.

[qwerty]

Jan 27, 2016 20:32:46 GMT -5 krystee said:

I also use it as leverage when I want something expensive.

[i do this too!

[heliocentric]

Jan 27, 2016 20:20:13 GMT -5 mainelyfoolish said:

My DH loves cars but we don't have the kind of money (or vehicle) to race for real, so he makes do with an XBox One and Forza 6.

DH does iracing.com to "practice." At $50 for the year, it's the cheapest part of this hobby!

[heliocentric]

Jan 27, 2016 20:26:33 GMT -5 Poppy said:

Ugh, yeah that sounds like it could escalate. I think agreeing together on a budget and where it will come from will help, though someone needs to track it and he needs to be held accountable if he goes over, IMO.

DH has some expensive hobbies and I try to be supportive because I do think life is about living and passion is important. I admit I'm more supportive of hobbies that I deem "good for him" such as hockey (exercise) and hobby electronics (helps with job prospects and keeps him learning). I talked him out of homebrewing because I felt it was in the opposite category (would be bad for both of us, really, in terms of health).

DH seems to like expensive hobbies because he homebrews, too. By now we have most of the equipment he wants, though. I'm sure it's not good for either of us, but at least I get something out of it. In fact, I'm drinking a homebrew right now

[Poppy]

Jan 27, 2016 20:40:44 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

DH seems to like expensive hobbies because he homebrews, too. By now we have most of the equipment he wants, though. I'm sure it's not good for either of us, but at least I get something out of it. In fact, I'm drinking a homebrew right now

Don't get me wrong, I see the appeal. My initial reaction was "yeah let's do it!" but after more discussion, I concluded that it would up our [already significant] consumption especially because we have very different taste in beer (so were talking about a multi-keg system) and we weren't ready to commit to bottling. ETA and he likes variety too much to not also buy a bunch of commercial beer. We got into coffee a few years back and it spiraled fast so that made me wary, too.

[jerseyjaybird]

Jan 27, 2016 18:30:16 GMT -5 farfalla2011 said:

I agree with living a bit and budgeting for it. I would just make sure you both discuss what things are priorities for both of you and make sure they are both accounted for. That doesn't mean they have to equate to the same amount of money, they just have to not leave anyone out within reason.

heliocentric, I read your post earlier and was struggling to figure out how to say exactly this. I think you need to be able to specify what your budgetary priorities are (even if it's "just" that you value frugality . . . which could really mean a significant rainy-day fund, or early retirement, or . . . ) and work with your H to be sure that both sets of values are reflected in your budget.

Either I'm a lot like you, or your H is a lot like S, or both, because I would soooooooooo be with you on worrying about it spiraling out of control. All the more reason to really build this into your budget rather than winging it. 

[salejolie]

Nothing to add, other than the cost of 2 years at the track is more than the value of the car, which I find a bit funny.

[sadlebred]

Cycling is an expensive hobby, so I say this with some experience (Cycling + SO).

As long as it doesn't get in the way of saving for retirement, paying the mortgage, vacations, paying the bills, etc. let him have at it. You have to live a little. Make sure he sticks to the budget and knows that he isn't going to get to spend $80,000 on a track car. He has to make do with what he has now (plus tires, brakes, replacement parts, etc. in the budget). I also recommend that if he can make the hobby partially pay for itself somehow he do it. Selling stuff/parts on ebay as someone said earlier is a good suggestion.

The SECOND he goes over the budget, it's time to talk as it can escalate quickly.

[Mashara]

H has an expensive hobby (SCA for anyone who knows), and I'm pretty cheap. While we're not hurting for money either, I don't always appreciate seeing the big numbers add up. It's helped for me to have him set a specific amount of his paycheck that goes directly to his fun account. That's where he can save up for large ticket items. If he runs out, then he can negotiate paying for something from the joint account. We haven't actually had to do that in a long time. He even paid for his new computer this way.

This isn't a perfect setup, but it works for us. I'm also not a complete hardass. When he goes to events, either week-long or weekend, he charges food to the joint account. I look at it like vacation meals, since he'd be eating while here anyway.

[kwynn]

I don't know how much you make to say if 5k a year is reasonable or not. That's almost $500 a month - that does seem high to me BUT I don't know what kind of money you make and where you live.

If you live in Pittsburgh, you make 200k a year - seems totally reasonable. If you live in NYC and make 100k a year - probably way too high.

I'd probably try to compromise and go with 3x a year instead of 4, just to keep costs down, but other than that, if he loves it, sure.

That said, I am the kind of person who is "good" for awhile when I do something and always feel like "I just did that" when in fact it was 3 months ago or whatever. I know everyone's different - a leisure activity can carry me for a long time but I know others are different and have more fun outings frequently.

[patbutcher]

You know, until this post, I've never thought about H's hobbies. We have separate checking accounts and put money in a joint account for bills each paycheck so I guess I don't notice how much he spends. His hobbies are hockey (maybe $600 a year?) and working out. He has to get the brand new beach body dvd the second it's released. I guess I'm lucky he doesn't have very expensive hobbies.

If it didn't affect our savings etc then I would probably let it go but that's how we view our money - as long as everything is paid for, we do what we want with the rest of our paycheck. (I normally choose to save).

[MNH2013]

Also, if he is racing his personal car I would prepare for an event where his car is out of commission and he would need transportation in the mean time.

[Deleted]

I am the spouse with the expensive hobby too. I am into photography. DH homebrews but for some reason I think its not as expensive. Probably because I stick all the extra beer he buys into our grocery and eating out category.

From my perspective I give my husband a big heads up when I want to spend a good chunk of change and we plan for it. Sure the money could go somewhere better. I think he sees that after 2 years of being dedicated to a picture a day and improving that the mental benifits way outweigh the money. I need this me time. So we set up the budget each year and we put aside an amount for me. Everyday wants like a class come out of gifts or my fun money but if I want a new item or to go to a conference we just plan. We have the money and I can tell you I still feel slightly guilty spending it. But the joy I got from upgrading my camera last year is still here. And the personal growth I got from attending my conference in October is still here. Im more inspired than ever.

So the point is if its important and really gives him passion for life then support it. Set limits that are agreeable to both of you but dont think about the money.