Land mine ahead!

[mamaalysson]

You guys, I am about to piss off my MIL something fierce. So, maybe send "smoothing things over" vibes?

So we are going to Italy for 10 days in May. I had planned to ask my aunt (an on call nanny) to come down and stay with the kids. Last night my SIL texted me to warn me that my MIL has taken time off in May because she thinks she and FIL are coming over to stay with the kids (we never asked them or hinted that this was a possibility). To be clear, this is not a reasonable option. I went ahead with my plans to ask my aunt, reasoning that because MIL has done all this without actually talking to us, I have no obligation to entertain her assumption and try to smooth that over first. So now my aunt is locked in, I feel much better about leaving the kids and can actually look forward to the trip. But I know there is this ticking time bomb of my MIL finding out we did not consider them and all the passive aggressive hurt and guilt that will come with it. So, that'll be fun.

Too early for wine?

[L From The D]

Did your DH mention something to his mom that could have been misconstrued...? That's a pretty huge assumption!

[nowa]

Oh man. That's rough. So weird of her to take time off without talking to you about it at all.

[nowa]

And BTW, never too early for wine.

[dizzycooks]

Does your dh know about this time bomb?

[Deleted]

I just wanted to say that your trip sounds amazing and yay for locking down solid childcare.

I can't even fathom why she assumed anything especially given the history with fil.

And you absolutely had no obligation to her since she did all that without talking to you. That is a big trip and you deserve to enjoy it, knowing your kids are safe and cared for.

[mamaalysson]

Feb 2, 2016 14:45:06 GMT -5 @mama2b said:

That would be a sticky situation, though definitely not one of your own creation. Might be remembering wrong, but doesn't your FIL have dementia and has had issues interacting with one of your kids? Yeah, I would not let them watch the kids for 10 days. I would be honest whenever MIL approaches you or your DH about this and tell her you already have childcare lined up. Would you be comfortable having them come over for one or two afternoons to relieve your Aunt or is that not something you feel they could do well? Just thinking it could be a peace offering.

Good luck and chug away!

You are remembering 100% correctly. FIL has dementia and has a really hard time with DD and with rowdy, noisy children in general. And being away from home...

We will be gone over Memorial Day which MIL will have off, so I was thinking of arranging a date with grandma for that day, and she can take them on an adventure somewhere. Hopefully that helps.

[mamaalysson]

Feb 2, 2016 14:48:38 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Does your dh know about this time bomb?

Not yet. He was asleep already when SIL filled me in, and he left early this morning before we were awake. We'll talk tonight.

[mamaalysson]

Feb 2, 2016 14:51:51 GMT -5 @itsbritt said:

I just wanted to say that your trip sounds amazing and yay for locking down solid childcare.

I can't even fathom why she assumed anything especially given the history with fil.

And you absolutely had no obligation to her since she did all that without talking to you. That is a big trip and you deserve to enjoy it, knowing your kids are safe and cared for.

Thank you! Having a good childcare plan has helped immensely in getting excited for this trip. I was legimately panicking a few days ago trying to wrap my head around leaving the kids for 10 days. But they love my aunt, she's a professional at this, and they are going to have so much fun with her. I can not even begin to describe how much relief that brought.

[Deleted]

Sounds like you have a good plan, and mil even gets to visit some. You are not in control or responsible for her feelings. You are doing what you need to for your family AND considering her; so she may try, but she really can't ask for more. Your trip sounds amazing!!

[lattelady5]

Feb 2, 2016 15:37:15 GMT -5 @sing4mysavior said:

Sounds like you have a good plan, and mil even gets to visit some. You are not in control or responsible for her feelings. You are doing what you need to for your family AND considering her; so she may try, but she really can't ask for more. Your trip sounds amazing!!

I just downloaded tapa talk so I have no idea if I'm doing this right lol

basically what sing said. Maybe MIL took the days off in hopes you'd feel guilty and ask her. There are very few people who I trust to watch my kids and even less I'd trust with that responsibility for 10 days.

Attachments:

[melew]

Feb 2, 2016 15:16:17 GMT -5 mamaalysson said:

Feb 2, 2016 14:48:38 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

Does your dh know about this time bomb?

Not yet. He was asleep already when SIL filled me in, and he left early this morning before we were awake. We'll talk tonight.

Many good vibes to you!  I would definitely get on the same page with DH before saying anything to her (I just mean in what you want to say and handle the issue).  Knowing that your kids are safe and in good hands while you are out of the country is so important and it sounds like you have an awesome plan in place.  We have had family issues come up in the past and I have had to just remind myself that my kids take priority over adults getting bent out of shape.  I am not purposefully hurtful, but their well-being is my job and adults need to be adults and not take things personally.  I know that is easier said than done.

Good luck to you!  (And it is technically happy hour on the east coast, so wine is totally acceptable . 

[jag01]

Never too early for wine. Bottoms up.
As for dealing with the MIL, your DH can deal with her. Give her back some passive aggressive line back to her like "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt when you assumed, and took time off with out checking what our plans were first."

[vettymama]

Nothing to add but so jealous of your trip and that's amazing your aunt is an on-call nanny. Family plus a professional would make it so much easier to leave for 10 days!

[quesyrah]

Navigating grandparents and baby sitting can be so hard.

I know my mom was really hurt that we didn't ask my parents to baby sit when we went OOT a few months ago. For various reasons, we don't ever ask them to baby sit so I don't know why she was shocked (other than she's delusional).

[lala]

It is crazy that she's making the plans without being asked. But probably thinks she's being helpful. Hopefully your h handles her when the time comes.

[mamaalysson]

Feb 3, 2016 13:04:21 GMT -5 lala said:

It is crazy that she's making the plans without being asked. But probably thinks she's being helpful. Hopefully your h handles her when the time comes.

Honestly - and this may make me sound like a class A bitch - I don't think she's doing this to be helpful. I think she's doing this because she wants to spend the time with the kids, and this seems like the best way to go about it. But if she really thought about it, I don't see how she could think this plan best served anyone other than herself. When my SIL questioned her plan, she said, "But no one ever thinks about what I want!!" (She's a teeeeeeeny bit of a martyr).

[Deleted]

Feb 3, 2016 18:53:50 GMT -5 mamaalysson said:

Feb 3, 2016 13:04:21 GMT -5 lala said:

It is crazy that she's making the plans without being asked. But probably thinks she's being helpful. Hopefully your h handles her when the time comes.

Honestly - and this may make me sound like a class A bitch - I don't think she's doing this to be helpful. I think she's doing this because she wants to spend the time with the kids, and this seems like the best way to go about it. But if she really thought about it, I don't see how she could think this plan best served anyone other than herself. When my SIL questioned her plan, she said, "But no one ever thinks about what I want!!" (She's a teeeeeeeny bit of a martyr).

We know you here. You're not a bitch. And omg I hate that martyr shit

[Deleted]

Feb 3, 2016 18:53:50 GMT -5 mamaalysson said:

Feb 3, 2016 13:04:21 GMT -5 lala said:

It is crazy that she's making the plans without being asked. But probably thinks she's being helpful. Hopefully your h handles her when the time comes.

Honestly - and this may make me sound like a class A bitch - I don't think she's doing this to be helpful. I think she's doing this because she wants to spend the time with the kids, and this seems like the best way to go about it. But if she really thought about it, I don't see how she could think this plan best served anyone other than herself. When my SIL questioned her plan, she said, "But no one ever thinks about what I want!!" (She's a teeeeeeeny bit of a martyr).

Yeah, how dare you consider your own needs and what's best for your kid, and leave out your poor MIL? SO joking. This is completely something my MIL would do. I agree that it's probably a control tactic, and now she gets to be the victim to anyone who asks her about your trip. At least your SIL is on your side though, I'm sure it'll help that someone else has already given her a clue that she's being nutty. Let us know how it goes when you/your H tell her!

[trizzie]

My MIL likes to make plans without informing/asking/consulting anyone either. So, so frustrating. I think you did the right thing locking in your aunt. You can't control her actions, only yours (I tell myself that a LOT). Drink a glass of wine for me!