I will probably get flamed for this but I think it is selfish to make that request of your loved ones. An assisted living facility or nursing home can be a good experience. If you adjust your thinking and you acclimate and adjust. Of course we have the responsibility to not abandon them, make them comfortable and try to find a good facility. But that is it. My grandma went kicking a screaming to a nursing home and the first two years she hated it. After the third move we were like okay this is it there aren't any more options. We pointed out that She had friends there, she finally went to the social activities, she probably had more visitors than she did when she was at home. We never abandoned her but her experience didn't change until her outlook changed. And it made everything better for all parties.
I will say it is sad because some people never have visitors from loved ones. We usually would visit with them to when seeing my grandma. There are some though that didn't have visitors because they sPent their life treating people like shit. In that scenario you have no one to blame but yourself.
I think I'm going to love going to the home for most of the reasons you listed. I won't have to cook or clean, I will have scheduled entertainment and I won't have to leave to get my hair done. I think it sounds hot. Besides that, I don't ever want to be a burden to DS. That said, I have no intentions of putting my parents (although we've already decided that I'll take my mom and my sister will take my dad) in a home unless I truly can't manage or they really want to go. I don't even think my mother would care, but I'd like to have her with me if I can.
Oh, and did anyone see the episode of Our America when Lisa Ling covered aging and her trying to get her father into a nursing home? It was very interesting.
My mom's family had a big fight over putting my grandfather into a home when his Alzheimers had gotten too bad, but my mom's 70-years old step mom just could not care for him at home even with full time help. Some of my aunts were pissed, but they also weren't there to help. Expecting one nurse and an elderly woman to restrain a fully grown man multiple times a day for insulin shots is pretty unrealistic.
This is going on in my family now and I'd like to cunt punch my DH's aunt. My MIL has Parkinson's. My FIL has mental and physical health issues (is looking at having both hips replaced AGAIN, multiple herniated discs, and a host of other ailments). GMIL is living with them, she had advanced Alzheimer's. Aunt lives in NYC, we're in Philly. Aunt has made MULTIPLE comments about how "(I) had daddy put it in his will that I get HALF of everything, it's not fair that sister might get more b/c she had kids and I didn't." GFIL passed 3 years ago, shortly after he passed GMIL started getting worse. All aunt does is bitch about money. GMIL's house finally sold today, after being on the market for 6 months. We had to do a lot of work to it b/c GIL's hadn't touched it in over two decades. The house was totally outdated and we had to get black mold remediation as well. The first thing out of Aunt's mouth was - "the house sold, right? When do I get my half of the money?" Screw you bitch, that's GMIL's money and is paying for the Cadillac of nursing homes. And I hope not a fucking dime is left when GMIL passes so Aunt gets jack shit. Oh, and Aunt says over and over how she "wouldn't want sis's life and feels sorry for her." but does NOTHING to help. I'd love to scream at her to get her ass on Amtrak and earn her half the cash like MIL is doing caring for their mother.
So....what is the answer? Having family take care of a loved one even if they might not be qualified?
I have no idea. I guess when you run out of money and assets Medicare picks up the tab? Is that sustainable with more and more Oldz? Who are sicker and living longer than ever?
Medicaid does. Medicare doesn't cover long-term care stays. There are also a ton of requirements. It's a mess. I'm dealing with this right now with my MIL.
It's also a great way to ensure there is no generational transfer of wealth and that the children who have cared for their parents get zero inheritance.
Post by orriskitten on Feb 9, 2016 18:33:48 GMT -5
A huge issue with Medicaid facilities (at least in Brooklyn where I used to live) is that they require all residents to be in wheelchairs.
This was a huge problem for my family. My great grandma is now almost 104 years old. She walks with a walker, uses the toilet and is pretty with it, only very mild dementia. She was not going to be allowed to continue walking on her own at any of the 7 facilities we toured and spoke to. It was, and still is, a complete mess. She is now living with my grandmother who has had 2 broken hips, chronic pain disorder among other things.
We had to desperately call and beg help from her Medicaid provider when my grandmother fell and had to be rushed to the hospital and I had just given birth to my DS (literally, he was 10 days old). I could not care for her and my two kids and myself. We begged and managed to get in-home help (which also turned into a mess with a couple of truly messed up people coming in the house, one of which almost had to be forcibly removed). My grandma has to sneak and lie to be sure she gets the care that is needed. She is not able to help enough with GG physically. GG is "too well" to normally qualify because she can wipe her own ass and get out of bed on her own. This is literally what evaluators have told me and my grandmother.
The fact that we could not afford a private home, even with extra family members contributing as well, makes me wonder how anyone can afford it.
The system needs some serious improvement. A lot of the time it is not a choice one makes, it is do it yourself or let the person rot.
Post by orriskitten on Feb 9, 2016 18:39:14 GMT -5
Sorry for the rambling rant above. This is a really sore subject for me.
I cared for my mom who was disabled until she died. She begged me to put her in a home if things got worse. She didn't want me to watch her become less than she was. I always told her I would never, but I understand a bit more now. She wasn't herself at the end and had severe short term memory loss, and I am still sad that I saw it and that those were my last memories of her. She was a strong, incredible woman and mom. It took some time for me to allow those good memories to be dominant in my memory of her. She was, without a doubt, my best friend but just not her at the end.
Luckily, being here in Iceland means good care with dignity is much much more likely. DH and o haven't spoken about it explicitly, but I believe we would both opt for a good nursing home
My grandpa lived with us for awhile while he had Alzheimer's--he had paid for an addition on my parents' house years before, with the intention that he would come live with us when it was time rather than in a home. That worked well for a number of years. I kind of vaguely remember our mom rounding all of us kids up in a room in the middle of the night one night, locking, and barricading the door. I remember her crying. I didn't really understand what was happening at the time, but apparently my grandpa had turned violent and was threatening to light my siblings and I on fire while we slept. He moved to a care facility right after that, and I remember it being AWFUL. I hated to go visit because there were people screaming in the halls all the time and it always smelled like pee.
My mom has told me since that if she ever gets to the point of needing to be placed in a home, to please just take her out to the woods and leave her there. I think she's only half joking. :/
Same thing here - my grandma developed Alzheimer's and moved in with us, after a policeman found her wandering near the Holland Tunnel. She lived with us for maybe two years (my mom had to take the knobs off the stove after she nearly burned down the house a few times) before my mom finally enrolled her in a nursing home, and she was there for maybe 6 months before she died.
After that my mom said she really wants us to put her in a nursing home as soon as she starts "losing it." I worry about her - she's never had a great memory and has a tendency to make things up/misremember stories, so I'm sort of wondering if things are already happening. I especially worry now that she's widowed, but luckily she works and has an active social life so hopefully that'll help keep her sharp for a few more years.
We were also looking into some kind of facility for FIL last year but cost was a huge factor. And MH felt guilty as hell for even considering it. I also felt guilty for not wanting him to live with us, but the three of us lived together in the past and I really did not want to deal with that again. Unfortunately he died somewhat suddenly so it was a moot point.
Back to my grandma - my mom was peeved that the caregiving automatically went to her as the female, as seems to be the case in most situations. She has two brothers - one local who, I don't think, even offered to help; the other is on the opposite coast and lost touch years ago, and flew in just for the funeral and then to grab whatever of Nanny's valuables he could. I know a lot of my mom's female friends are dealing with similar situations with their own parents, and I think my boss actually helps care for her late husband's elderly mother ... I never seem to hear about men dealing with this, though.
My MIL has made the comment numerous times that having daughters is good thing for this very reason. She has 4 boys and 1 girl, and I will be damned if my husband ever tried to.put all that responsibility on his sis. But I know he and at least 1 other brother would never do that. But oh, it bugs that she thinks that's a-ok.
I have feelings and thoughts on this. Both add a daughter and as a nurse.
I've seen people suffer because they were "put in a home" and I've seen people thrive for the same reason.
My grandparents are currently in that middle area. They need the help but are unwilling to admit it. Thankfully they have the funds to get in home care. But their desire for independence conflicts with what's good for their safety.
I think this is a really important point that tends to be overlooked--often the biggest "fight" with assisted living or a nursery home is our older folks not wanting to recognize that they can't be independent anymore. Which is a hard problem to address, and isn't solved by quality of care available.
Same thing here - my grandma developed Alzheimer's and moved in with us, after a policeman found her wandering near the Holland Tunnel. She lived with us for maybe two years (my mom had to take the knobs off the stove after she nearly burned down the house a few times) before my mom finally enrolled her in a nursing home, and she was there for maybe 6 months before she died.
After that my mom said she really wants us to put her in a nursing home as soon as she starts "losing it." I worry about her - she's never had a great memory and has a tendency to make things up/misremember stories, so I'm sort of wondering if things are already happening. I especially worry now that she's widowed, but luckily she works and has an active social life so hopefully that'll help keep her sharp for a few more years.
We were also looking into some kind of facility for FIL last year but cost was a huge factor. And MH felt guilty as hell for even considering it. I also felt guilty for not wanting him to live with us, but the three of us lived together in the past and I really did not want to deal with that again. Unfortunately he died somewhat suddenly so it was a moot point.
Back to my grandma - my mom was peeved that the caregiving automatically went to her as the female, as seems to be the case in most situations. She has two brothers - one local who, I don't think, even offered to help; the other is on the opposite coast and lost touch years ago, and flew in just for the funeral and then to grab whatever of Nanny's valuables he could. I know a lot of my mom's female friends are dealing with similar situations with their own parents, and I think my boss actually helps care for her late husband's elderly mother ... I never seem to hear about men dealing with this, though.
My MIL has made the comment numerous times that having daughters is good thing for this very reason. She has 4 boys and 1 girl, and I will be damned if my husband ever tried to.put all that responsibility on his sis. But I know he and at least 1 other brother would never do that. But oh, it bugs that she thinks that's a-ok.
If only you were one of my SILs. They give zero fucks. ZERO. It's more a "better them than us" feeling.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
My MIL has made the comment numerous times that having daughters is good thing for this very reason. She has 4 boys and 1 girl, and I will be damned if my husband ever tried to.put all that responsibility on his sis. But I know he and at least 1 other brother would never do that. But oh, it bugs that she thinks that's a-ok.
If only you were one of my SILs. They give zero fucks. ZERO. It's more a "better them than us" feeling.
Both sets of DHs grandparents moved into a retirement community when they could no longer care for themselves and I'm sure it was expensive but DUDE it is like a repeat of college! I can't wait! Movie nights, art and dance classes, good food, shopping trips, etc. DH and I joke that we're heading there as soon as we're old enough!
Once every few months I leave work early to meet my grandfather at his independent living facility's happy hour. They serve small glasses of strong booze and it starts at 3pm. Sign me up!
The greatest gift my grandmother has given our family is moving into a retirement community and giving up driving. My husband and I joked we would move in if we could. The place she lives is lovely and provides for all stages of aging. She had quite a few ailments after caring for my great-grandmother for several years, but most of her issues have gotten better since moving into the retirement community. The problem is it expensive and out of reach for the majority of the population.
I have feelings and thoughts on this. Both add a daughter and as a nurse.
I've seen people suffer because they were "put in a home" and I've seen people thrive for the same reason.
My grandparents are currently in that middle area. They need the help but are unwilling to admit it. Thankfully they have the funds to get in home care. But their desire for independence conflicts with what's good for their safety.
I think this is a really important point that tends to be overlooked--often the biggest "fight" with assisted living or a nursery home is our older folks not wanting to recognize that they can't be independent anymore. Which is a hard problem to address, and isn't solved by quality of care available.
This is one of the reasons that I like the concept of the tiered facilities that start with apartments where you are fully independent and then you can move to different areas of the property as your need increases. It at least gets you in the door during a time where you are still independent but need to at least downsize. And hopefully enjoy or acclimate enough to take the additional care as necessary.
Dh and I are childfree (he is 42 and I am 36) and the thing I hear most now when I tell people I'm not having kids is, "but who is going to take care of your when you are old?" As if it is the expected burden of your children. I think that is just such a horrible way of thinking. Even if we were to have kids now, I'd expect that they would most likely have their own young children or even still pursuing higher education when we would be of the age to need care. I can't even fathom putting that type of responsibility on to someone that is still young and trying to start/establish their own lives. We have had these talks both with both sets of parents (and my MIL currently has stage 4 brain cancer so they have been very in-depth). They, and us when it's our time, expect some type of 'home.'
Aging just sucks...
Meanwhile, I watch FIL and his NINE siblings fight like hell about 90-year-old GMIL's care and she ended up going to a nursing home last year despite anticipating having their "support." They just couldn't agree on the financials and a bunch of lousy decisions were made. Plus you've got 9 siblings to point to and say, "She's your responsibility."
It's all shitty. Eventually babies grow up and grow out of dependency (barring special needs) but an elderly person could live decades where they depend so much on younger family members. Even great care and living options doesn't eradicate conflicts within families.
Back to my grandma - my mom was peeved that the caregiving automatically went to her as the female, as seems to be the case in most situations. She has two brothers - one local who, I don't think, even offered to help; the other is on the opposite coast and lost touch years ago, and flew in just for the funeral and then to grab whatever of Nanny's valuables he could. I know a lot of my mom's female friends are dealing with similar situations with their own parents, and I think my boss actually helps care for her late husband's elderly mother ... I never seem to hear about men dealing with this, though.
My MIL has made the comment numerous times that having daughters is good thing for this very reason. She has 4 boys and 1 girl, and I will be damned if my husband ever tried to.put all that responsibility on his sis. But I know he and at least 1 other brother would never do that. But oh, it bugs that she thinks that's a-ok.
Maybe it's that I'm the only daughter, maybe it's that I'm the only local kid. But while my brothers are verbally supportive, it's clear that they are relieved they can rely on my taking care of everything while they get to go about their lives without interruption.
Over the years my Mom mentioned several times one of my cousins who "promised her parents they would never have to go to a nursing home". And more power to my cousin. She delivered on her promise and cared for her Mom in her own home for many years after she developed dementia. She would also be the first person to tell you it was harder than she ever thought possible.
In any case - I was a single mom for 18 years and knew I had no grounds to make such a promise, and never did. Mom is 92 now, in an independent living apartment in a place that also offers assisted living and full nursing care. It's not what she wanted, and yet when it came time to move last year she knew it was time. Even so, I'm amazed at the number of hours I spend on her affairs - shopping, running her to doctor appointments, doing her banking, ordering her grocery delivery, getting her old house sorted and renovated. . . all from an hour away. I'm happy to do it for Mom, and at the same time am fairly annoyed with my brothers' lack of involvement. One of them e-mails "helpful" suggestions about her care from time to time, and I always have to count to 10 before I respond.
I think those retirement places sound amazing. When I get to an age that I don't want to host christmases and stuff, I'd TOTALLY be game for one of those. I also think it sounds like college dorm living, which I would love to do again
My grandpa tells me all the scandalous gossip about who is hooking up with whom. Aren't the elderly the fastest-growing segment of the population for STI's?