Empathy- am I expecting too much?

[nowa]

I banged me head hard on an open cabinet and my 4 almost 5 year old just stared at me for a second and then went back to asking me whatever she was in the middle of. It really gets under my skin when she just ignores other peoples misfortunes like this. And then I'm grumpy with her for the rest of the day; I know, real mature. Am I expecting too much from her at this age?

FWIW I always model empathy as does my DH. We always ask if they're okay or if a friend is hurt we ask the friend etc. When she sees someone else get hurt or if she hurts someone I tell her that she needs to ask of they're okay and/or how she can make it better. But she really doesn't like to say it and most of the time she won't.

[lala]

I think this is really normal for that age and I kind of had it out w/ my oldest when she was closer to 6? I can't remember exactly. I slipped on the stairs and was really sore) She said nothing, as per usual. I finally said, "If you fell on the steps, what would I do?" And she told me (hug me, ask if I was okay, get me ice, etc). I said that when I fall or bump my head it hurts me, too, and it would be nice if you could ask me if I was okay. It didn't work overnight but she's great at it now and the 4.5 year old sees her and is getting a little better.

I will sometimes over exaggerate, like, "Oh, WOW MOM ARE YOU OKAY?!" and that is a reminder.

I know they're empathetic towards friends but I think it's just not adults, especially parents at that age.

That said, I have no idea if that's the right way to handle it, but it worked and she's not scarred...I don't think.

[abs]

From what I've read empathy isn't fully developed until closer to 7. My 5 year old is getting better but still doesn't show much of it.

[quesyrah]

Yes. They're 4 and 5.

[CrazyLucky]

My DS is 5 and hasn't grasped empathy yet. If HE is the one causing the pain, he'll immediately apologize and ask if I'm ok. But not for something like I bumped my head. My DD is 3 and she is super empathetic. "Are you ok mommy? Does it hurt? Can I kiss it? Do you want me to get Spiderman for you?" We have a spider man ice that makes all booboos better. I think it's normal for a 5 year old to still be very self centered.

[mamaalysson]

Yes, I do think you might be expecting too much. But, I don't think it would be unreasonable to have a conversation with her about it. Teaching moment, you know?

[Deleted]

Every kid is different so not sure what should be expected per se, but definitely think it's a teaching moment too. I kind of expect certain behaviors from ds so I get what you're saying there but she might not be there yet based on her age.

[vettymama]

Feb 10, 2016 16:01:25 GMT -5 mamaalysson said:

Yes, I do think you might be expecting too much. But, I don't think it would be unreasonable to have a conversation with her about it. Teaching moment, you know?

This is my thought exactly. However, the moment will probably pass while I'm thinking how unloving my kid and checking myself for a concussion.

[nowa]

Feb 10, 2016 16:43:20 GMT -5 vettymama said:

Feb 10, 2016 16:01:25 GMT -5 mamaalysson said:

Yes, I do think you might be expecting too much. But, I don't think it would be unreasonable to have a conversation with her about it. Teaching moment, you know?

This is my thought exactly. However, the moment will probably pass while I'm thinking how unloving my kid and checking myself for a concussion.

Lol exactly. Well, I feel better in that it sounds like my kid is not cold and uncaring. Just a four year old.

[lexus]

I think it depends on the kid. If it really bothers you, I might make more of an effort to expose her to empathy (books and shows). Dd is pretty empathetic but I think our loss has a lot to do with that (because of how we respond to each other and her while grieving she has seen it modeled more often and is more aware of it). That being said, what you described sounds normal and not like she purposely ignoring your pain.

[Deleted]

My DS is much the same, and is just now starting to realize that other people have feelings. I was really shocked when I told him I had a headache and he ran to get a cold cloth for me. I think all you can do is talk about it in the moment, and model empathy when someone else is hurt. One day it'll click....or so I tell myself!