Post by vanillacourage on Feb 11, 2016 21:41:35 GMT -5
This woman sounds miserable and I'm sad for her. Periods of being less connected are normal, but after 10 years of marriage if you're gripped by fear that you've trusted your life to the wrong person then eeeesh.
Like all married couples, DH and I have had our times when we've been out of sync, and some of those times I've wondered if maybe we weren't as strong a couple after all. Of course, we also have our times where we're firing on all cylinders, and it seems like we've survived another down period.
There are also times where I'm convinced that DH is only staying with me out of obligation or pity, and wouldn't miss me at all if I were not around, in fact no one would miss me if I weren't around (don't worry, I'm not talking about suicide, I just mean if I no longer existed). That's when I realize that my depression has crept back in, and I need to get myself back into therapy and maybe some pharmaceutical help is needed. The author sounds like she may have some undiagnosed depression, and I hope her therapist picks up on that.
I don't know, I don't think my marriage is a sham or anything, but I can definitely understand these feelings. I honestly do think the travel contributes to this, though. If you are alone for long periods of time, or repeated periods of time, even when you and your spouse are together again, it can be a bit of a downward spiral to "connect" in the way that takes away the loneliness. A lot of times when DH and I haven't seen each other much, or at all, it sort of feels like a lot of pressure to spend good, quality time together reconnecting in the time we do have. And when that doesn't happen or just isn't possible, it can hurt.
Just as an example, DH and I both travel for work, and spend a lot of time apart during the week. We also both work long hours when not traveling. So last week, DH was gone M-F. I worked 70 hours, plus did everything at home myself. Which I know sounds dumb, but, whatever. I don't have the expectation of making all the meals, doing all the dishes, cleaning, dog stuff, mail, garbage, snow shoveling, on my own. It's exhausting to be alone sometimes. By the time DH came home, I was at my breaking point and just needed to get in bed and read. I feel like a jerk for ruining the small amount of time we had together. But by the time we get it, I just need a break and some help. And then Monday comes and I'm on a plane. And sometimes this is a rinse and repeat cycle for us. I love my husband, we have a lovely marriage, but it still can be lonely. For both of us.
I guess this is where I admit that sometimes when my husband doesn't do something I want him to do, I say, "This marriage is a sham!" Won't drive me to the frozen custard place? Sham. Complaining about going on a tour of homes? Sham! And I have occasionally been known to sing about the shammery of it all to the tune of "Teddy's Jam" by Teddy Riley/Guy. But I don't mean it lol. If I really felt that way, I would consider therapy and/or leaving and I don't really care if that's normal or not. No one is saying that every marriage is expected to be puppies and rainbows all the time, but she simply doesn't sound happy or like being married to her husband is enriching her life in any meaningful way. Life is short, very short. Too short to feel like your marriage is a lonely sham and stand idly by.
Exactly. I can't tell what her point is really because the piece is not that well written. If her argument is basically to say "hey marriage is not perfect. You're not going to be giddy in love every day for the next fifty years. You're going to have ups and downs," well then I agree with that wholeheartedly. However, that's hardly a surprise. I'm pretty sure everyone already knows that, lol. The stuff she says specifically about feeling lonely in her marriage, no I never feel that way. We do have our ups and downs just like everyone else of course but I always feel that he is my best friend at the end of the day. He also doesn't travel anywhere near as much as her husband does and I would find that very, very hard to endure. That's why I said he may not be a good fit for her however much she may love him. Maybe what she really needs is a partner who is physically there every day. No shame in admitting that. You can love someone and they still might not be a good fit for you because of life circumstances beyond your control.
I prefer being coupled, I am not at my best pushing through the world alone without a partner and the comfort and support that comes with that.
However, I have been single, I have been married and I am now divorced and I tell my single never married friends who lament their singleness that neither relationship status is better than the other, they are just different. You can be married and miserable, and single and miserable. I never felt lonely in my marriage probably because we went from happy to sad there was no gradual ramp down, but reading this makes me sad for the author and I would hope she might seek out counseling to sort out why she feels so untethered from her life partner.
It also sounds like a big part of the issue is that her friends are still living the single life, which can feel more exciting. You couldn't pay me to go back to the single days, but I think that can contribute to a "lonely" feeling if you're the only one of your friends within your group that is in a certain stage of life.