30 years after Challenger, engineer still blames himself

[jeaniebueller]

This story is from a few weeks ago, i am also going to post a follow up at the bottom. I can't imagine the guilt this man has dealt with the last 3 decades.


www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/01/28/464744781/30-years-after-disaster-challenger-engineer-still-blames-himself


Thirty years ago, as the nation mourned the loss of seven astronauts on the space shuttle Challenger, Bob Ebeling was steeped in his own deep grief.



The night before the launch, Ebeling and four other engineers at NASA contractor Morton Thiokol had tried to stop the launch. Their managers and NASA overruled them.



That night, he told his wife, Darlene, "It's going to blow up."



When Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, Ebeling and his colleagues sat stunned in a conference room at Thiokol's headquarters outside Brigham City, Utah. They watched the spacecraft explode on a giant television screen and they knew exactly what had happened.



Three weeks later, Ebeling and another engineer separately and anonymously detailed to NPR the first account of that contentious pre-launch meeting. Both were despondent and in tears as they described hours of data review and arguments. The data showed that the rubber seals on the shuttle's booster rockets wouldn't seal properly in cold temperatures and this would be the coldest launch ever.



Ebeling, now 89, decided to let NPR identify him this time, on the 30th anniversary of the Challenger explosion.


"I was one of the few that was really close to the situation," Ebeling recalls. "Had they listened to me and wait[ed] for a weather change, it might have been a completely different outcome."



We spoke in the same house, kitchen and living room that we spoke in 30 years ago, when Ebeling didn't want his name used or his voice recorded. He was afraid he would lose his job.



"I think the truth has to come out," he says about the decision to speak privately then.



"NASA ruled the launch," he explains. "They had their mind set on going up and proving to the world they were right and they knew what they were doing. But they didn't."



A presidential commission found flaws in the space agency's decision-making process. But it's still not clear why NASA was so anxious to launch without delay.



The space shuttle program had an ambitious launch schedule that year and NASA wanted to show it could launch regularly and reliably. President Ronald Reagan was also set to deliver the State of the Union address that evening and reportedly planned to tout the Challenger launch.



Whatever the reason, Ebeling says it didn't justify the risk.



"There was more than enough [NASA officials and Thiokol managers] there to say, 'Hey, let's give it another day or two,' " Ebeling recalls. "But no one did."



Ebeling retired soon after Challenger. He suffered deep depression and has never been able to lift the burden of guilt. In 1986, as he watched that haunting image again on a television screen, he said, "I could have done more. I should have done more."



He says the same thing today, sitting in a big easy chair in the same living room, his eyes watery and his face grave. The data he and his fellow engineers presented, and their persistent and sometimes angry arguments, weren't enough to sway Thiokol managers and NASA officials. Ebeling concludes he was inadequate. He didn't argue the data well enough.



A religious man, this is something he has prayed about for the past 30 years.



"I think that was one of the mistakes that God made," Ebeling says softly. "He shouldn't have picked me for the job. But next time I talk to him, I'm gonna ask him, 'Why me. You picked a loser.' "



I reminded him of something his late colleague and friend Roger Boisjoly once told me. Boisjoly was the other Thiokol engineer who spoke anonymously with NPR 30 years ago. He came to believe that he and Ebeling and their colleagues did all they could.



"We were talking to the right people," Boisjoly told me. "We were talking to the people who had the power to stop that launch."



"Maybe," Ebeling says with a weak wave as I leave. "Maybe Roger's right."


www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/02/25/466555217/your-letters-helped-challenger-shuttle-engineer-shed-30-years-of-guilt

When NPR reported Bob Ebeling's story on the 30th anniversary of the explosion of the space shuttle Challenger, hundreds of listeners and readers expressed distress and sympathy in letters and emails.



On Jan. 27, 1986, the former engineer for shuttle contractor Morton Thiokol had joined four colleagues in trying to keep Challenger grounded. They argued for hours that the launch the next morning would be the coldest ever. Freezing temperatures, their data showed, stiffened rubber O-rings that keep burning rocket fuel from leaking out of the joints in the shuttle's boosters.


But NASA officials rejected that data, and Thiokol executives overruled Ebeling and the other engineers.



"It's going to blow up," a distraught and defeated Ebeling told his wife, Darlene, when he arrived home that night.



And it did, 73 seconds after liftoff. Seven astronauts died. Cold weather and an O-ring failure were blamed, and Ebeling carried three decades of guilt.



"That was one of the mistakes God made," Ebeling, now 89, told me three weeks ago at his home in Brigham City, Utah. "He shouldn't have picked me for that job. But next time I talk to him, I'm gonna ask him, 'Why me? You picked a loser.' "



Jim Sides listened to the NPR story in his car in Jacksonville, N.C.

"When I heard he carried a burden of guilt for 30 years, it broke my heart," Sides, an engineer, says. "And I just sat there in the car in the parking lot and cried."



Like many engineers who responded to Ebeling's story, Sides knows what it's like to present data and face resistance. He's also certain about who bears responsibility for the decisions that result.



"He and his colleagues stated it very plainly. It was a dangerous day for the launch," Sides says. "But [Ebeling] was not the decision-maker. He did his job as an engineer. He should not have to carry any guilt."



Sides wrote Ebeling a letter that mentioned Roger Boisjoly, a former Thiokol colleague who died in 2012 and rallied the engineers opposing the Challenger launch. Boisjoly addressed his own depression and guilt by making the Challenger experience a case study in ethical decision-making.



Many of the engineers who also wrote Ebeling credited him and Boisjoly for engineering school discussions that focused on the Challenger decision.

"Your efforts show that your care for people comes first for you," Sides wrote to Ebeling. "I agree with your friend Roger Boisjoly. You and he and your colleagues did all that you could do."



Sides describes himself as a religious man and says Ebeling was wrong about God.



"God didn't pick a loser," he says. "He picked Bob Ebeling."



Ebeling's eyesight is so poor he can't read the letters himself. So his daughter Kathy read them aloud, including the note from Sides.



"That's easy to say," Ebeling responded. "But after hearing that, I still have that guilt right here," he said pointing to his heart.



This was a week after the Challenger anniversary story, and Ebeling sat in a wheelchair at his kitchen table, wearing a flannel shirt and pajamas. Letters and printed emails were stacked in front of him. Kathy picked another letter from the pile and tried again.



"You presented the correct data and blew the whistle," another listener wrote. "You are not a loser. You are a challenger."



Again, Ebeling wasn't moved. So I asked him if there's something more he wanted to hear.



"You aren't NASA. You aren't Thiokol," he said. "I hadn't heard any of those people."



Kathy noted that neither Thiokol nor NASA had contacted her dad since deep depression prompted his retirement shortly after the Challenger disaster.



"He's never gotten confirmation that he did do his job and he was a good worker and he told the truth," Kathy said.



Thiokol has since been absorbed by another company. There isn't anyone there or at NASA today who was likely involved in the launch decision.



"If you hadn't have called me," McDonald told Ebeling, "they were in such a go mode, we'd have never even had a chance to try to stop it."



McDonald also responded to some NPR listeners who were not sympathetic to Ebeling and the other Thiokol engineers. They said the engineers should have done more, including last-ditch calls to NASA's launch director or even the White House.



"You just don't do that," McDonald said. "They'd probably send a van out with some white coats and picked you up. ... The launch director doesn't take those outside calls either."



Another key participant in the launch decision was Robert Lund, who was Thiokol's vice president for engineering at the time. He was one of the company executives who approved the Challenger launch despite objections from Ebeling, Boisjoly, McDonald and others.



Lund wouldn't agree to a recorded interview, saying, "I don't want to relive it." He was reassigned by Thiokol and so "shamed by the neighbors" that his family was forced to move, he said. "It was a bad dream."



But Lund said he phoned Ebeling and told him, "You did all that you could do."



A former NASA official involved in the Challenger launch also declined to be interviewed. George Hardy was a deputy director of engineering at the Marshall Spaceflight Center, which supervised Thiokol's production of the shuttle's booster rockets. He famously said he was "appalled" when Ebeling and the other engineers argued that Challenger shouldn't fly in temperatures so cold.



Hardy now says he's gone over that night many times.

I've concluded that's of no great value to me or anyone else," he said.



But he did see value in writing to Ebeling.



"You and your colleagues did everything that was expected of you," Hardy wrote. "The decision was a collective decision made by several NASA and Thiokol individuals. You should not torture yourself with any assumed blame."



Hardy closed with a promise to pray for Ebeling's physical and emotional health. "God bless you," he wrote.



The note from Hardy and the phone call from McDonald seemed to be a turning point. It was two weeks now after the Challenger story, and Kathy had been reading letter after letter every day. Sitting in his big easy chair in his living room, Ebeling's eyes and mood seemed brighter.



"I've seen a real change," his daughter explained. "He doesn't have a heavy heart like he did."

Ebeling then jumped in.



"I know that is the truth that my burden has been reduced," he said. "I can't say it's totally gone, but I can certainly say it's reduced."



The night before, NASA had sent a statement and Ebeling hadn't heard it yet. The statement was emailed by a spokeswoman for NASA Administrator Charlie Bolden, a former astronaut. He flew on the shuttle flight just before Challenger, and later led the effort to resume shuttle flights safely.



"We honor [the Challenger astronauts] not through bearing the burden of their loss, but by constantly reminding each other to remain vigilant," the statement read. "And to listen to those like Mr. Ebeling who have the courage to speak up so that our astronauts can safely carry out their missions."



After hearing that, Ebeling clapped long and hard, and shouted, "Bravo!"



"I've had that thought many, many times," he said.



Ebeling is now more buoyant than at any time I've seen or talked to him in the past 30 years. It's been a rough three decades, and it hasn't gotten any easier. He's near the end of his predicted life expectancy for prostate cancer and has hospice care at home. He said he'll pray for God's assessment once our interview ends.



I asked him one more question. "What would you like to say to all the people who have written you?"



"Thank you," he said. "You helped bring my worrisome mind to ease. You have to have an end to everything."



Ebeling then smiled, raised his hands above his head and clapped again. Kathy Ebeling called that a miracle.

[litebright]

I read the initial story around the Challenger anniversary and just saw the follow-up this morning. That poor man. To be tormented by the what-ifs and could-haves for thirty years, and feeling such deep shame and guilt when there wasn't, at a practical level, more that he could have done. He and others tried to change minds about the launch and the people in charge didn't listen.

I was so glad to see that he got some comfort from people writing to him, and that NASA and others did reach out, and that it seemed to ease his pain.

[sfy]

Wow, how awful . I'm glad that he heard what he needed to in order to get some peace.

This is why I hate when people pushing paper in an office act like some work crisis is the end of the world. Get some perspective.

[katietornado]

God, that's heartbreaking. That poor man.

I had always understood this to be a tragedy of lots of little failures leading to the bad o-rings. I had no idea that he had warned people beforehand and no one listened. How awful.

[sparrowsong]

How sad. I can't imagine watching that launch and knowing already that it would explode. It was such a shock to all the rest of us.

[curbsideprophet]

How horrible. Glad he finally got some peace. It certainly seems like he did everything he could.

[iammalcolmx]

That poor man but he tried everything. I can't believe Rocket Scientist's spending HOURS telling you there is going to be a problem and you take that kind of a risk. I am mad as hell.

[aurora]

I kind of want to give this to my students to read, but on the other hand I don't want to depress them about their future careers.

[mpc]

I met a woman who was married to a guy who worked on those O-rings. He committed suicide after the tragedy happened because he felt so much guilt.

[iammalcolmx]

Feb 25, 2016 15:00:57 GMT -5 mpc said:

I met a woman who was married to a guy who worked on those O-rings. He committed suicide after the tragedy happened because he felt so much guilt.

[penguingrrl]

That's so sad. I'm angry that NASA didn't halt the launch given that information. How needlessly tragic.

[WOT?*]

A tragedy on so many levels. Those poor men, to carry such guilt for something they didn't do and had no responsibility for. I'm glad he spoke out and people have been able to let him know that he's blameless. I am truly glad that his burden has been lessened. It's not one he should ever have carried.

[aurora]

NPR was rebroadcasting the follow up during my commute home and I'm so happy this guy was eventually able to get the absolution he wanted from supervisors so that he can be at peace in his final years.

[OscarQ]

Thank you for sharing. That poor man carrying that for 30 years. I'm glad he's gotten some peace of mind.

[dancelnow]

The article is right, we use him as an example of speaking up. And for management to listen.

[mbcdefg]

Bumping this - Mr. Ebeling has died at age 89: phys.org/news/2016-03-space-shuttle-disaster-dies.html

Ebeling's daughter Leslie Serna told The Associated Press that her father died Monday at the age of 89 in Brigham City, Utah.


She said he was finally able to forgive himself thanks to the hundreds of supportive phone calls and letters he received following a January NPR story about the 30th anniversary of the Challenger disaster. She said they tried to ease Ebeling's guilt, and he was soon able to let go.


"It was like the world gave him permission, they said, 'OK, you did everything you could possibly do, you're a good person,'" Serna said.

[KateAggie]

Feb 25, 2016 11:50:23 GMT -5 katietornado said:

God, that's heartbreaking. That poor man.

I had always understood this to be a tragedy of lots of little failures leading to the bad o-rings. I had no idea that he had warned people beforehand and no one listened. How awful.

I fell down a rabbit hole on this a month or so back. It wasn't just him, there were like 4 of them. And after it happened, the company crashed hard, lots of layoffs (and people blaming them), and they were basically oatracized. For trying to save lives. It was all so unbelievable.

[anastasia517]

Mar 24, 2016 10:21:44 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Bumping this - Mr. Ebeling has died at age 89: phys.org/news/2016-03-space-shuttle-disaster-dies.html

Ebeling's daughter Leslie Serna told The Associated Press that her father died Monday at the age of 89 in Brigham City, Utah.


She said he was finally able to forgive himself thanks to the hundreds of supportive phone calls and letters he received following a January NPR story about the 30th anniversary of the Challenger disaster. She said they tried to ease Ebeling's guilt, and he was soon able to let go.


"It was like the world gave him permission, they said, 'OK, you did everything you could possibly do, you're a good person,'" Serna said.

I'm glad he was able to find peace and be assured that he did the right thing before he passed. I hope that is of some comfort to his family and friends.

[KateAggie]

Feb 25, 2016 11:50:23 GMT -5 katietornado said:

God, that's heartbreaking. That poor man.

I had always understood this to be a tragedy of lots of little failures leading to the bad o-rings. I had no idea that he had warned people beforehand and no one listened. How awful.

Read this when you have time...it's long. But it goes way in depth.

www.datamanos2.com/challenger/etched_forever.html

Feb 25, 2016 15:21:28 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Feb 25, 2016 15:00:57 GMT -5 mpc said:

I met a woman who was married to a guy who worked on those O-rings. He committed suicide after the tragedy happened because he felt so much guilt.

[elleblue]

I'm glad he was able to find some peace before he died. Sad he lived with the guilt for so long though. RIP Mr. Ebeling.