I'm really needing some encouraging words/advice..

[formerlyknownasefl]

I don't know if all of you ladies will recognize my screen name from the nest. I've heen lurking ever since the move to these boards but because of some of the threats from my STBXH I've been afraid to post anything on here. I'll probably delete this thread later because of that.

I'm just having a really tough day. I've been moved out of the house since May 1 and DS and I have been livign with my parents for a few months and we will be moving into our condo next month.

STBXH and I were supposed to agree on everything at first and it's all gone downhill. It's even worse than I imagined. He wants to pay a lot less than what our state requires for child support and he also kept all of my son's furniture and bedding in his room at the house because he told me he would give me money to replace those things. Now he's telling my lawyer he will only pay x amount in child support and he won't give me anything to replace his furniture and bedding.

My son has also been in multiple types of therapy since he was 9 months old for delays in motor and developmental skills. He was just diagnosed on the autism spectrum last month and we see multiple therapists on a weekly basis. He said he will only pay 50% of the co pays for his medical expenses even though he literally makes 7 times more in a month than I do.

He doesn't understand that this money is going towards our son. He keeps making comments on how he isn't goin to support me for the rest of my life and I keep trying to tell him I Just want what's fair for our son. He also hasn't seen hiim in almost a month and tells me that it's my fault because I'm the one that wanted this dicorce.

I'm just EXHAUSTED. I'm broke and barely making it becaus of lawyers fees and moving fees (my husband cut me off financially from our accounts when I told him I was leaving). It's like he's trying to beat me down emotionally so I'll just sign his agreement and leave with the bare minimum. I keep reminding myself I have to fight to get what is fair to my son but days like this it's sooo hard. It's been 4 months and we haven't gotten anywhere with agreeing on settling with money and child support. I'm trying to keep things civil but I'm almost at the point where I think I should just file, go to court, put myself in debt to pay for it so I can just have an end in sight.

I know this is best for my son and I and I know my STBXH is just a master manipulater and he's doing what he's always done. He's making me feel like it's my fault all this is happening and that I'm taking HIS son and his life away from him. It's amazing that he can still exhibit this kind of manipulation and control over me even after 4 months of being apart. I'm so ready for this to be over....I just can't take much more ((

[achase123]

It definitely sounds like you need to see a lawyer. That'll never get solved if the two of you try to reach an agreement. Remember, nice gets you nowhere when it comes to divorce/custody.

[Deleted]

I can understand why you feel this way. What does your lawyer say? Your ex can say I'm only paying X, but the law is going to require him to support his son.

Hang in there, it is tough now, but you are strong and you will get through this. These ladies here are a great support system. You don't have to go it alone.

[mysterons]

Keep fighting for what is fair. Don't let him bully you. Be strong and assertive with him. I bet he will back down if he knows you won't take his crap anymore.

[naeljun]

He can't just say he is only going to give you X. Most, if not all, states have a formula that determines support. They will also attach pay so you can get the correct amount if you think he will not pay it.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It doesn't sound like he is being fair to you or your son. Keep in contact with your attorney and because he is being so disagreeable maybe your atty can go after him for some of the fees.

[achase123]

Sorry, I read more thoroughly and I see you have a lawyer.

Can you keep contact with him strictly through your attorneys? What is your current visitation schedule like?

If he's manipulating you, it's best to limit the contact. Just because you're away from him doesn't mean you're immune to that treatment. I STILL struggle with this.

I read a good book "Who's Pulling YOUR Strings? Breaking the Cycle of Manipulation". It's really good for dealing with people like him.

[wrathofkuus]

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!1!

I remember you, and I am SO glad you left him.

[Deleted]

Your X doesnt get to decide how much $$ he gives you the courrt does.
Your H doesnt get to decide how much $ he gives for health coverage and other issues the court does.
He can say whatever he wants, you can believe whatever you want BUT the court will make the final decision.

[formerlyknownasefl]

Aug 30, 2012 16:06:34 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sorry, I read more thoroughly and I see you have a lawyer.

Can you keep contact with him strictly through your attorneys? What is your current visitation schedule like?

If he's manipulating you, it's best to limit the contact. Just because you're away from him doesn't mean you're immune to that treatment. I STILL struggle with this.

I read a good book "Who's Pulling YOUR Strings? Breaking the Cycle of Manipulation". It's really good for dealing with people like him.

Yeah I have a good lawyer. Actually when all this began we were suppose to get one lawyer and try to do it through one person but he went out and got the most expensive lawyer in our city and there is only one person who can actually go up against his lawyer so I shelled out LOTS of money to hire her to go against him. I'm not really pleased with her to be honest she seems very busy and she's one of the most expensive lawyers in my area. That's another frustrating thing but I've put so much money into her so I feel likeI have to stick it out...

I know I should limit contact but I just always get weak and think maybe if I try to reason with him he will be agreeable and I'm always let down. I need to just toughen up and realize he's never goin to change and he's never going to think he's wrong...it's always goin to be my fault. I'm the bad guy.

It's also hard to limit my contact with him because he works 6 days a week and originally he said he'd get him every other Sunday but he'll get him one sunday then not see him for a month then want him three nights in a row so there isabsolutely NO consistency which is what drives me even MORE crazy. Our son is only 3.5 and doesn't do well with going astraw from his schedule. I've tried explaining to my STBXH that he needs to be consistent but he basically just makes me feel like an idiot and tells me it's my fault once again he hasn't seen him in the past month....ugh I'm just SO ready to get this man out of my life.

I'm been so broken down and I can't do anything without thinking I'm a horrible person or that everything that's gone wrong is my fault...

[formerlyknownasefl]

Aug 30, 2012 16:10:01 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!1!

I remember you, and I am SO glad you left him.

I am so appreciative for all your wisdom and advice. Without some of you ladies i probably would never had the courage to do it

[usedtobebear]

I'm so sorry, ((HUGS)), I am in the same time frame as you, separated since May. I don't have any kids so I can't relate to that, but I can relate to the feeling of still being manipulated by stbx, and dealing with lawyers and worrying about money. I think your stbx is trying to bully you and make your life miserable. You have to keep doing what you are doing and just realize that the next 6 months are going to suck completely, but in a year from now, your life will be better, and you will look back and hopefully be in a happier place. Do you write in a journal? It definitely helps to keep yourself in check and recoginize the manipulation. Stick around and seek support, it definitely helps! ((MORE HUGS))

[achase123]

Aug 30, 2012 16:17:24 GMT -5 formerlyknownasefl said:

Aug 30, 2012 16:10:01 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!1!

I remember you, and I am SO glad you left him.

I am so appreciative for all your wisdom and advice. Without some of you ladies i probably would never had the courage to do it

Are you in counseling? You will get stronger and stronger as this process continues, I promise. How's your support system? Try to run things that he's telling you and saying to you by those you know and trust. THEY will see things clearly and set you straight.

Do NOT listen to him. He's a master manipulator and it's going to only make you go crazy.

Do you have the link to my blog? He sounds so much like my XH and the things you are going through are similar to what I went through. PM me if you want the link.

[stephbfan]

I remember you even from the tri boards on the bump.

He can say whatever he wants about the money he is going to give you but the reality is that it is NOT up to him. Its up to the state to determine what is fair.

Having an expensive lawyer doesn't mean he is going to beat you in court. The facts will speak for themselves. My ex had a lawyer who charged almost 2x what I paid mine and we still beat him in court. Why? because we had facts and everything to back up what I was saying.

Im glad you left and I lurked to read some of the things you posted on TIP and Im not a bit surprised he is acting this way. Someone who can hide a CHILD is capable of really bad things.

I would suggest you to change your username though.

[bookworm85]

Please keep pushing forward fight with all your might for your son, my husband left me for a former friend and had turned his back on me and the kids but get up every morning to look for employment. He just want to punish you for leaving him. Do not let him win. I know its hard but keep a positive outlook and remember karma is a mean b**** and he shall get whats coming. Sending many hugs this group is a great support system I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for my family, true friends, and this group.

[formerlyknownasefl]

Thanks ladies...

Yes, I am in therapy but I'm only going like once a month. I'm not very impressed with my therapist. I really need to find a new one I just haven't had the time with everything that is going on. I really want to try to be more involved but like another user suggested I'm probably going to change my username soon.

Thanks for all the encouraging words. I got a good nights sleep and I'm feeling better.

I'm really thinking I should give up on trying to be civil and agree and just call my lawyer this morning and go ahead and file. He's made it apparent that he's not goin to be reasonable and I need an end in sight to this mess.....

[Deleted]

Do you have a schedule for visitation? It seems to me like that should also be something the court decides so he doesn't just get to randomly pick when he wants him for a day or three days to mess up your son's routine.

[awick14]

Ditto what everyone else said.

And I would like to add a few things.

1. Document everything, save text messages, emails etc. This will help in court. (no matter how expensive his lawyer is.)
2. Only have contact with him by text or email as this way you can document everything.
3. Also document things like how he originally agreed to seeing DS every Sunday, and he has only taken him on such and such date.
4. Talk to your lawyer about visitation, as you do not want to deny STBXH visitation as this can work against you.
5. I do not remember you from the nest so sorry I don't know your back story but if you feel threatened by STBXH at all talk to your lawyer about it and see what s/he can do.
6. I know its hard but you need to find another therapist, counseling has helped me in the past and I think that YOU ARE WORTH IT, and you need to spend the time helping yourself.

Lastly I want to say that you need to fight for your son. He deserves to not be punished by your STBXH's actions. Even though you are the one that left it is not your fault that STBXH's life is falling apart.

edit: you may have heard all this on the nest but I just want to make sure that you protect yourself and your son.