Update: Mom's H is racist - WWYD?

[7costanza]

I have had it with my mom's husband's racist comments, and need advice about how to proceed. About every other time we see him, he makes a totally inappropriate comment. The last time he said, regarding the lack of white people at a local outlet mall, "sometimes you just want to see some friendlies." I have made it very clear I don't like the comments, and specifically called out the last one as racist. He has been married to my mom for about 4 years and she always supports and stands by him. Aside from the racism, I just don't like the guy, I get a bad gut feeling and we never leave DS alone with him. He's a Ted Cruz supporter, and I would not be at all surprised if he votes for Donald Trump (possibly irrelevant to this, but both are totally opposite from my views). This situation has seriously affected my relationship with my mom as well, for a number of reasons, which sucks.

So, I really don't care to spend any time with him again. I will see him tomorrow for my nieces birthday party, but plan to avoid him as much as possible. My mom has invited us over for Easter, and I'm struggling with how to respond. I would like to just ban him from our house and decline all invites, but I also want to avoid hurting my mom as much as possible. No matter what he will be at larger family functions. Advice??

UPDATE: I was planning on talking to my mom about everything in a week or so, after I had a chance to speak with an EAP counselor, but she ended up calling me yesterday to ask why I hate her H, and I laid it all on the table. She thought I was very cold to him at my nieces party, which is probably true. Bottom line is that she doesn't think either one of them is racist, but admitted to some very ugly beliefs (race and general appearance related), and clearly has no desire to change. For now we are going to limit our time with both of them to group events, and I'm keeping my appointment with the counselor just to talk through everything. Not much of an update, but I've definitely learned that my mom will choose her H over me and DS.

[Kit]

I'd tell her why you are declining invites. Also, you don't want that language around your child, either. So until he stops, you guys won't be coming around, unless she wants to see you guys on her own.

[zarapipe]

My IL's are very conservative and have in the past said some things that come across as racist aka back home country. I politely tell them that I do not like the way they are speaking about X. They rarely do it anymore, but are probably thinking it. To me it's worth it to keep the peace. As long as it isn't said in front of my daughters or in front of me idc what they do in their own free time. My husband is very close to his parents and shutting them out of our life isn't a possibility nor would I want to. They have very good qualities as well.

I'm sure that's flammable to some.

[7costanza]

zarapipe I appreciate hearing all perspectives!

I should have mentioned, when I tell him I don't like the comments, he usually gets very defensive, and last time seemed angry. It doesn't seem like he is going to stop.

[MadamePresident]

I think it might be hard to totally avoid him, if you want to keep seeing your mom. I'd probably try to use his comments as "teachable moments" for your kids.

[VillainV]

I would have a talk with your mom, and let her know that as long as he makes racist comments, he is not welcome around me/the kids and we will decline invites and not invite them over unless it's just your mom. I would probably give him another chance to be civil around us, but at the first racist comment I would say good-bye.

Unfortunately you will probably never get him to change his mind, but your mom might be able to exert enough pressure to keep his mouth shut at least. It's not with engaging him on this -- confronting him will only make him defend his position even more strongly.

[Deleted]

My ex-step father (he's still around, we're all on good terms) used to make very racist remarks. He grew up in Philly as the white minority and was harassed throughout his childhood. This is not an excuse, but it's his explanation at least. After many years, I finally asked my mom to have him stop making those remarks, and he no longer does. I can also tell he's really starting to let some of the anger go, but it's hard to say for sure.

I'd bring it up, and make sure she knows that it's something you will not overlook or allow your children to be near.

[lolo]

My grandfather is racist and homophobic.

He used to make those comments around me. Every single time, I told him it was unacceptable and ended the conversation. He no longer makes those kind of jokes or comments around me.

Before totally cutting him out, I would try telling him that comments like that are not something you wish to be around. If he continues making them, you will leave. Then do. If that doesn't work, then I would move ahead with limiting all contact.

[bugandbibs]

I have this hard and fast rule- no racists are allowed in my house. End of story. I don't really have any desire to keep company with those that make excuses for them either, but I don't necessarily exclude them from my life.

Larger family functions, I avoid contact with people whose comments/actions I find offensive. I can be civil, but I don't need to interact with them at all. If needed, I just walk away. Why should I care what they think of me?

I would decline invitations to smaller events if avoidance is not possible. I would be honest about why, but not make drama out of it. A simple "I will not be attending and I will not be discussing it anymore" will do after the initial conversation.

Frankly, my kids are more important to me than any thing else. I will not budge on this.

[soozy87]

Like someone else said, I would use it as a teaching moment for my kids. Honestly I'd probably do it an a passive aggressive way, making sure he heard me (Depending on the age of the kids). "Hmmm, I see a lot of friendlies here. Not sure what you are taking about".

I could see some of my inlaws doing the same things. I would make sure they know that I don't approve. The ILs in question want my kids to have a favorable opinion of them so they will fall in line with what I tell them to, most of the time.

[7costanza]

Thank you all! This has helped me think through things.

[ECB]

I'm of the mindset that she can come to your house alone, you'll see her at bigger family events, but that he isn't welcome in your home and you won't go to her house. And I'd be clear about why.

Here's the reality- you don't want to hurt her but she's making a very specific choice here. And I'm not talking about the bigger aspect of being married to him. The fact that she supports him in the moment.... THAT is the bigger issue for me, TBH. If she were at least saying "cut it out around DD and her family" - MAYBE I'd be able to be around him. But if she backs HIM up?

That's HER choice and she's putting him before both you and DS. You don't have to pander to that in order to spare HER feelings. What about your son and what he's hearing? As a loving grandmother, I'd expect her to care.

[7costanza]

Small-ish update in the OP

[hermione]

I'm sorry to see your update and hope you are able find peace with the situation.

[countthestars]

I'm sorry that the conversation didn't go well. I hope she comes around. I think it's smart to keep your appointment. Hugs.

[lolo]

I'm sorry to see the update. It sounds like you are taking every step you can to protect and prepare yourself. Good luck.

[ECB]

She's not a racist but admits to having ugly beliefs about race?  Um... o.k then.

I'm sorry.  That sucks.  i'm glad you're still going to see a counselor to talk it through.  Good luck.

[macmars45]

I'm sorry about your update. I hope the counselor helps you sort through things. In the end, do what keeps your child safe and if your mom wants to lose out on seeing/knowing/spending time with your child it's her loss... and someday she'll probably regret it.

My grandma is a racist. As a child I don't remember her saying anything racist so maybe she didn't. *shrug* As a teenager and now as an adult I just don't engage and change the subject. She's 87 and unlikely to change her opinion. Not that it makes it ok, just that it makes it easier for me to not engage.

[auntie]

I'm sorry your mother isn't who you hoped she'd be. Racists don't always see it in themselves.

In a marriage, the spouses should have each other's backs. If she didn't share his beliefs, she wouldn't have married him nor would she defend him.

Ball's in your court in terms of the amount and kinds of contact you want with people who don't share your values.