How do you deal with resistance?

[Deleted]

I need advice. DS turned 4 in December, and lately he's been refusing to do pretty much anything and everything I ask him to do. If it's not urgent I usually just put him with whatever he needs to do (like put him in the bathroom with his clothes when it's time to get dressed) and then leave. It works pretty well. He's not allowed to play until he's done what he needs to do, and he doesn't get my attention.

My problem is when he resists something that's time sensitive (like getting out the door, especially for preschool). He's tall and strong for his age, and I just don't want to even touch him when he's in that mood, because he'll drop like a sack of potatoes or thrash all over the place and I worry about someone getting hurt. 

The other thing I struggle with is when he's being rough with DD and I need to separate them. I don't want to pull DS away because he's too huge and just flails all over. But it seems unfair to take DD away, especially when what DS often wants is for her to leave him alone. It's like rewarding him for getting rough if I take her away.

What do you do in these kinds of situations? DS is a pretty mellow kid overall, but lately these physical tantrums are hard to handle! 

[nicolewi]

Automatic time out for being too rough?

The outright refusal is hard. I have that with my three year old, but I can still just carry her to the car! I guess I'd probably lay out a plan with him that involves losing privileges if he doesn't do XYZ. Also, maybe just let him go late to preschool and let the teacher know what's going on, and maybe he will have a natural consequence (i.e. not getting to do the welcome song, or whatever). I like to do positive reinforcement, but I don't really see that working well here.

[quesyrah]

When DS was around that age is when we started telling him he could cooperate or have a consequence. We would say "cooperation or consequence? Your choice. 1...2..." he usually complied by 3 but if not it was time out/take something away, whatever was appropriate to the situation.

For the rough behavior, if your DD is at risk of being hurt you have to remove her and then find another way to handle DS's behavior- remove DD, go back to DS and put him in time out or whatever works for him.

I think your son sounds a lot like mine from previous posts you've made. Something that really helps him is to have him go to his room and read/play quietly by himself until he changes his behavior. It used to be that I would tell him to have some quiet time but now ?he's 6) he'll go to his room on his own and come back refreshed with a better attitude.

[Deleted]

I would:

1. Remove dd, and say to ds "if you can not play nicely, you will not play" and put in time out
And/or: if you can not use your words or ask for help nicely to let her know you'd like some alone time, then maybe you need to spend some time with her playing NICELY. After that, you may have some alone time.
The natural consequence for being rude to a sibling is to make it up to them with a nice gesture or playing together nicely

2. If you can not control yourself when angry then you need to sit in time out for a few minutes to call down so we can work on a solution

3. If you can not get ready as you are supposed to/take care of responsibilities on time, then you lose play time

[dizzycooks]

@leftie22 I wish we lived near each other. I think we'd get Along famously over a margarita after dealing with our kids. I feel all your pain. How is dd sleeping these days? I am trying what sing described in #1 as well as being very clear about what her "jobs" are. Jobs first, then play. Sucks if you piss away all your playtime before school...not my fault! As for being rough, yeah, immediate time out. I've been known to do a football hold and take her where she needs to go, if she kicks me then the consequence is larger. I also say "you can take your time out now on your own or I can help you to your room if you need to throw a fit". A thrashing 4yo is no joke though, so maybe if the consequence is longer/harsher he'll comply with the timeout without needing your "help".

[lala]

4 year olds suck. So do 3 year olds. And 2 year old. Etc.

Really, though, they get better in so many ways that you are almost thinking, "Wow, I have a rational child not a toddler!" Then they pull this crap and you realize they're still little.

I have no qualms about picking her up if needed. Yes she's heavy & it's a PITA, but sometimes that's the only way. I do al of that Dizzy says - "You can go do XYZ yourself now or I will pick you up can carry to your room." "It's time to get dressed, you have 5 minutes. If you aren't dressed in 5 minutes, I will pick out your clothes & dress you like I dress Jack, like a baby."

What do you mean by rough? Purposely pushing, hitting, hurting?

[nowa]

I don't really have any advice. DD1 will be 5 soon and I'd say the most difficult time (other than when she was an infant and hated sleeping) was 3 and a half. We had lots of tantrums. To be honest, I just waited them out. Stayed near her, spoke calmly and quietly if necessary and waited for her to stop. I was late and/or couldn't do errands sometimes. I couldn't figure out a more efficient way to deal with it without getting physical (i.e. picking her up and moving her), and like you said, that could lead to someone getting hurt by accident. So yea, I don't know. Sorry. It sucks.

And in terms of his interactions with his sister, will he respond to a stern voice? A pointed, "you need to use your words to get what you want?" If they're fighting over a toy, take the toy until he uses words? I'm sure you've tried all this, just thinking out loud.

Timeouts never worked for us. But the 1 - 2 - ... okay okay, scurry to do what I told her worked most of the time.

[Deleted]

Sorry I posted and disappeared!! I found out DH's brother is coming to stay with us this weekend and it's been all hands on deck getting ready - AND we're all sick for the millionth time!

I love the ideas here, and I'll definitely try some. I've discovered that he HATES when I count, so I'm going to use that a lot for resistance.

I think DS needs time away when he's been rough, but it's like adding another conflict onto the one that's already going! Like if he hits DD and I tell him he's in timeout, I'll then have to physically put him in his room (and probably bring him back there a million times) and face all the resistance to going to his room on top of him hitting DD! I guess that's why I haven't been using it much.

I feel like nothing works for getting him to stop picking on DD. He'll push, climb on her, scratch, you name it. It's horrible and the bane of my parenting existence. He's never hurt another kid (fingers crossed) but he picks on DD every single day. I've realized that he's not very socially aware, so I'm going to spend more time teaching him how to interact with DD. I like the advice about telling him to use his words, to tell her he needs alone time, and give him examples of what he should say and do. I always feel like he should know, but he really isn't the type to pick up on social cues like that. I think he needs to hear it every time, and for DH to use the same language with him.

I'll also remove DD - usually I'm too late, unfortunately, but it does make sense for me to tend to her first and then talk to him.

dizzycooks - I would so love to hang out and drink margaritas!! DD's sleep is better at night now that I gave up on naps. I don't know how she gets by on 10-11 hours a day, but she does! Is your littlest one a good sleeper so far?

[gastro]

Have you tried the opposite approach? Like give him a gentle hug and tell him it looks like you need a hug, this is how we can be gentle with each other?

[lala]

Have you taken things away? Favorite toys? I think you need to find his "currency," what will help him be motivated to behave.

That kind of treatment towards his sister has got to stop. I think you are probably right that they do need alone time, too.

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2016 23:15:55 GMT -5 lala said:

Have you taken things away? Favorite toys? I think you need to find his "currency," what will help him be motivated to behave.

That kind of treatment towards his sister has got to stop. I think you are probably right that they do need alone time, too.

I wish I knew how to make it stop, and I completely agree that it's not something that can keep going. We've tried timeouts, toy timeouts (putting whatever toy he was playing with away for the day), making a rules chart with him and posting it, talking about feelings, separating him (not exactly timeout but telling him he has to play somewhere else until he's able to be gentle), sticker charts, you name it. Recently I've been trying to be less punitive and more teaching, because I think he honestly doesn't understand that what he's doing hurts or that DD is so much smaller than him.

You're right, I don't think I've found his currency. He doesn't care much about toys and isn't very troubled about me being upset with him. I've probably made him sound like a psycho! 80% of the time he's a mellow, absent-minded professor kind of kid (Inattentive ADD is on my radar, because DH has it), but then he has these outbursts. It also really doesn't help that another kid hurt him at preschool. We've since switched to a different one, but it definitely affected DS.

Sorry for the novel, I'm as stumped as anyone else, which is a crappy feeling when you can't figure out your own kid! 

[dizzycooks]

@leftie22 the littlest is up every hour and a half to two hours. She gives us a 3- 4 hour stretch from 630-11 or so. Not so helpful really, but she's tiny and the doctor said its normal. We will reevaluate at 6 months if she's over 13lbs and make a sleep training plan.

[Deleted]

Mar 11, 2016 20:46:19 GMT -5 dizzycooks said:

@leftie22 the littlest is up every hour and a half to two hours. She gives us a 3- 4 hour stretch from 630-11 or so. Not so helpful really, but she's tiny and the doctor said its normal. We will reevaluate at 6 months if she's over 13lbs and make a sleep training plan.

Wow, that's exhausting! Mine were both the same and it's rough! No wonder you're in need of a margarita!