Ttma OAD

[Deleted]

So h and I have been discussing whether we are possibly going to end up OAD.

A bit of background, we got married around the time we both turned 30. Had fertility troubles, got lucky and had ds a few months before I turned 33. I'm going to be 36 this year (AMA no big deal except compounded by fertility issues).

We always thought 2 kids would be just right for us but we have started to seriously consider being OAD for a couple reasons. Obviously the fertility stuff plus my age means it could take awhile to conceive again and I had a complicated pregnancy with restrictions with ds which I could handle again but wasn't fun. Especially since we both have busy careers that are demanding. Also, ds is turning 3 and I kind of wonder if starting over with a baby would be for us....also we feel like we have a manageable groove and he thought of a second child sounds over helming (I'm sure that's a normal thought though).

Idk I'm totally rambling, sorry, just want to hear what others OAD or not have to say. I feel like I'm having a hard time making up my mind and I have time, but weighing my options. Any thoughts, comments etc would be appreciated.

[rosesandpetals]

DD is a couple months older than your son, but I have the same issue with starting over with a baby. They would be almost 4 years apart. DH and I had some serious marital issues when DD was 2, and I feel like we kind of missed our window. Everyone said 2u2 was so hard that I didn't even consider it until she was older... I mean, some people do it and are happy but the thought of going back to diapers and MOTN wake ups and teething and everything just seems so much harder now that she's older.

Plus, I won't SAHM with another baby. So that means $1k/month in DC, plus diapers, medical expenses... It would seriously change our lifestyle. And I don't want that.

I do feel guilty sometimes. DD asks for a baby sister once in awhile (her friend's mom is pregnant so she talks about the baby a lot). But I am happy with how we are. I love our little family.

[momin2013]

DS also just turned 3. I always imagined myself with two kids, but since having DS I've just felt...done. I really do feel like our family is complete.

I really like our lifestyle how it is, being relatively easy with just one. I also just turned 40, so I feel lke that window really has pretty much closed up anyway.

I still have pangs once in a while of not giving DS a sibling, and I imagine I always will, but those pangs have never been strong enough to a) want to sacrifice our lifestyle and b) want to start all over with a newborn again. I really feel like we've finally hit a nice, fun groove now that DS is a bit older.

I think another big deciding factor has been, how would I feel if I found out I were pregnant? Like times I've been a day or two late and my mind starts going there, I basically 99% of the time think, oh God, please no. That's what really made me sure that we're OAD.

[auroraloo]

I couldn't be OAD because I grew up an only, and while my childhood didn't suck all that much, being an only as an adult has kind of sucked. Dealing with my dad's death and estate on my own sucked, my kids don't have cousins, my family holidays are just me, h, kids, and my mom, and there are many many times I have wished for a sibling as an adult.

I realize that having a sibling doesn't guarantee a great relationship, or help with any of those things, but without the sibling, it's guaranteed they won't help.

I understand not every only feels the way I do, but that's my perspective. If OAD will make you happy, rock on.

[abs]

We are OAD. Mostly by choice but a lot of it is because of our ages, too.

DH and I weren't ready for kids when we first got married. We spent 5 years traveling and weren't really sure if we (I) wanted kids. Once I turned 32 I knew I did so we made some lifestyle changes and started trying. I was 33 when she was born and DH was 37. Our original plan was 2 kids. However, life happens.

When DD was born she was TOUGH. She had extreme colic and just screamed for basically the first year of her life. She had reflux and milk allergies and was just in pain constantly. DH and I felt defeated every single day that first year and knew we needed more time. Then developmental issues popped up. She had absence seizures, was late to walk, was late to point, was late to talk...everything. By the time she was 2.5 she was on a waiting list for a developmental pediatrician for suspected ASD.

At that point DH said he was done. He had turned 40 and that was his personal cut off for more children. I agreed because with everything going on with DD I couldn't handle anything else.

Now of course life looks so much different. DD is 5, has 100% caught up developmentally, and is completely awesome. She asks for a sibling all the time. She wants to know why she's the only one of her friends that doesn't have a sibling. In retrospect, I wish we hadn't let our fears get the best of us and alter our plans but we did the best we could in the moment.

I will turn 38 this year and DH is 42. Having another kid is just not happening. We are too old to feel comfortable with the risks.

I grew up an only child and it was fine. I had lots of friends and lots of opportunities my friends didn't. DD gets plenty of opportunities to socialize through school and activities and has lots of friends close by for playdates. We get to travel and eat out at fancy restaurants with her. I'm at peace with it. Family size is so personal. There are a million factors that go into it and there isn't a right or wrong answer.

[cabbagecabbage]

We were OAD by choice with similar stats. We had unexplained IF but got pregnant with DD after almost 2 years of trying and a loss. I was 31. I felt awful but as soon as I had her, I felt OAD. I had previously imagined two kids and after trying so hard for DD, I felt wrong not wanting another but I didn't want to do it all again. I loved DD so much aND she was all I needed.

When she turned 3, I was very secure in our choice. I was sleeping all night, working out, we had a good financial groove.

In my case, we had a shocking bfp this fall and won't be OAD but I'll be AMA and #2 will be be exactly four years younger which is all not as planned but is now exciting and wonderful, of course. Until this pregnancy came along, I was fine with it and felt great about a family of three. I'm not sure I believe in fate but had I not gotten pregnant on accident, I wouldn't have missed not having a second.

[quesyrah]

We struggled with pregnancy/loss and had decided we would be happy with just DS and had consulted with a urologist for DH to have a V when surprise....I got pregnant.

I was so afraid of another loss that I really wasn't excited about having a 2nd baby until she was born. The second she was born I knew we were meant to be a family of 4 but I honestly questioned having another child right up until that moment. I had another complicated pregnancy and I felt like we totally ruined DS's life (he was 3).

It's such a hard question whether to expand your family and it's even harder when your family size is not 100% your choice.

I wish I had advice but all I can say is I can totally sympathize. Good luck in your decision

[Deleted]

I feel like I'm the poster mom for not being able to handle two kids. I had DS at 33 and DD just before I turned 36. I had an awful second pregnancy, was really depressed, had PPD/PPA after DD was born, got shingles when she was 2 weeks old, DD was a VERY difficult baby and DS has had a really tough adjustment to having a sibling. They do have fun together at times, but I honestly feel like DS would be doing better right now if he didn't have a sibling. So I feel like it went about as horribly as it possibly could have.

Of course, once you have the second one you can't imagine life without them, but objectively it's been such a hard 2 years that I can hardly believe it. I'm starting to see the light again now that DD is 2 and we can get out more, but a lot of damage was done in those 2 years. It's been hard on our marriage, DS and our finances. I'd never want to be without DD, but I wouldn't re-live the past 2 years for a billion dollars!

[trizzie]

My response is similar to auroraloo, I grew up an only child. I had a great childhood and have a great relationship with my parents. But, being an only adult is hard. And no, you aren't guaranteed good relationships with adult siblings, but it would be nice to have the option.

[rosesandpetals]

I'm sure our opinions are all colored by our experiences with our siblings. I have 4 siblings and honestly, it isn't any different than not having siblings. We live in different states and rarely see each other.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is super close with her sister. They do everything together.

My grandfather was an only child and he told me when he got married, they had fertility issues and when he prayed for a baby he always made sure to pray for "not just one" because he hated being an only child so much.

There's no guarantee how siblings will get along. IMO, having another kid *just* for a sibling isn't a good idea but if you want another baby for other reasons, too, then go for it.

[nicolewi]

Such a hard decision. I think you just have to look deep inside at what you want things to look like in a year, five years, ten. We thought we were done with three and then decided to go for four! Now I feel like a Duggar sometimes and I could see just keeping going...sometimes..maybe if we were younger. We really do think we're done now. I just turned 41 and having four is wonderful for me, but at the same time, a lot to handle.

I have some friends with fertility issues who stopped trying, and I think it's hard for them b/c they really always planned on having more. I'm not really sure they are 100% okay with their choice. I have other friends pursuing adoption after 40 b/c their families just didn't feel complete after years of IF issues and no second baby. Others who just knew they were done. I guess you have to try to figure out whether you're OAD b/c that's really what you want now, and what you will be at peace with, or whether you might regret not trying later.

I'm rambling now, too, and probably have nothing majorly helpful to add. I guess I'm responding mostly to say that if you DO want more, you DO still have time (in theory). Not sure what your issues are but they may not really be any worse now than in your early 30s.

[Deleted]

I like how rosesandpetals, put it. I have a brother and sister, but growing up my brother was usually off with friends, and I'm more like a mother to my sister, which was stressful even as a kid. Now I have pretty much no relationship with my brother - love him, just have almost no contact - and am still in a very stressful mothering-type relationship with my sister.

quesyrah, I can almost always relate to your posts, and this one makes me want to hug/high-five you. Sorry if that's creepy. I felt so much the same, not excited about DD until she was born (and honestly struggled to really bond until she was a few months old) and felt like I ruined DS's life. I feel that so, so much. Even DH came home one day and burst out crying because he felt so bad about how much we had changed DS's life.

[ellipses84]

DH and I both have lots of siblings, so we always planned to have at least 2 kids together (DH has one older son). We had DS when I was 29 and he was 33. In his 20s, he wanted kids by 30, and since that didn't happen he's now adamant he will not have kids past 40. A 3-4 year age gap would have been ideal for us.

Due to life, demanding careers, finances, etc. it really was not a smart option to TTC during that time. We revisited the conversation a few months ago. We both agreed we were very happy with our current situation and could see ourselves OAD. We weighed the pros and cons of having one more for months. Ultimately we decided to TTC because I really wanted to have another child and that outweighed all the reasons not to for us. I feel like it may be challenging in the short term, but it will also bring us a lot of joy and we won't regret it (whereas long term I was afraid I would regret not having more kids). DH could have gone either way and been happy.

I'm now pregnant and we'll have a 5 year age gap between kids, I'll be 34 and DH will be 38. I don't think I'd want a bigger age gap than that and DH plans to get a vasectomy before the end of the year. Pregnancy is a quite a terrible experience for me and if something bad happened, god forbid, I don't know if we'd TTC again. I think I would leave it up to fate and be satisfied with the family we have. If time and money were in endless supply, I'd want even more kids, but that's not reality.

Pros of the 5 year age gap are that DS is pretty self-sufficient (compared to a year or two ago) and is a good helper. He's very excited about the baby. We won't have two in full time daycare, so those costs won't double. Cons are figuring out an uncomplicated daycare solution is tough - I think we will drop DS at school and baby at a daycare that has transportation and after school care for DS so we can have one pickup location (but different schools will be something we may always face with that gap). The thought of starting over and not sleeping with a newborn at our ages is a little daunting. DS was not, and still is not a great sleeper, so maybe this baby will be different. Our jobs are even more demanding now than 5 years ago and juggling two kids, double the illness, travel and meetings schedules, etc. seems hard. Financially we won't be able to travel as a family like we did with DS.

[Deleted]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses, I genuinely appreciate all the detailed feedback and all of you have mentioned different things that I have on my mind. I know it's a big decision and we might go back and forth but I appreciate the insight.

[quesyrah]

Mar 13, 2016 22:41:47 GMT -5 @leftie22 said:

I like how rosesandpetals, put it. I have a brother and sister, but growing up my brother was usually off with friends, and I'm more like a mother to my sister, which was stressful even as a kid. Now I have pretty much no relationship with my brother - love him, just have almost no contact - and am still in a very stressful mothering-type relationship with my sister.

quesyrah, I can almost always relate to your posts, and this one makes me want to hug/high-five you. Sorry if that's creepy. I felt so much the same, not excited about DD until she was born (and honestly struggled to really bond until she was a few months old) and felt like I ruined DS's life. I feel that so, so much. Even DH came home one day and burst out crying because he felt so bad about how much we had changed DS's life.

Creepy internet hugs!

(Just kidding I don't think it's creepy at all and I totally relate to you too).