I know this is controversial, but not everyone believes that alcoholism is a disease. The AA model works for some. It is not for everyone, and it is not the only path to sobriety and/or a healthy relationship with alcohol.
My H got sober with SMART recovery and a skilled cognitive behavioral therapist who specializes in substance abuse. If your H agrees that his drinking is unhealthy but doesn't believe in the label of "alcoholic" (either generally or for himself), these are worth looking into.
Hugs. You are not overreacting or wrong in any way.
Post by lovelovelove on Mar 16, 2016 13:49:13 GMT -5
I feel like I can totally understand what you're saying about his behavior and your feelings. I've been there- the back & forth, the he's a good guy/dad, the some of this is on me, the maybe this is all in my head, etc.
Here's the thing, for me, it finally got to a point that none of that mattered anymore. I was so, so tired. In a complete tunnel of just getting through the day, keeping my dd oblivious, and making sure we had a place to live and money for food. I realized that no matter what, I wouldn't be so tired if his drinking wasn't part of my life. Everything else could get dealt with later.
And with a little time and therapy I started to understand that even if I was to blame for whatever problem in our life/relationship/whatever, it was on him that he was drinking to "deal with it". He knew how I felt about the drinking and if he had issues with me he could have chosen to address them differently than drinking. Does that make sense? If our life was causing him stress or whatever I had to admit that I wasn't involved in his choice of coping mechanism.
We're a little over a year into sobriety and I won't even pretend that things are fixed. We have a lot of work to do learning to communicate effectively, me to trust and feel comfortable with him, and him to see my feelings and keep himself sober. It's so liberating though to know I'm strong enough one way or the other, stay or go.
Definitely join us on the recovery board. They've been such a great support and knowledge base. Hugs.
When I type this out, it reads like I am making something out of nothing. [/quote] See, no, you actually sound like you are minimizing his actions and their impact. That's a pretty big indication that there is a big issue. I don't recall, are you in therapy? If not, you should be, your friends are not experts in this and can't give you the help you need. If you are, what does your therapist say? Do they think you are making something out of nothing (I'm guessing not)?
ste, please feel free to wander over to the recovery board, if you wish. We talk about addiction from a variety of positions. I am an alcoholic in recovery. Your question - how could you know if this is the last fight you'll have about this - really struck me. The answer is, unfortunately, that you can't. We live in recovery one day at a time and that might be too much uncertainty to deal with. No one would blame you if you decided to leave. Sometimes there is no other option. And that's okay!
I can tell you this..."normal" drinkers don't point to other people as the problem. We alcoholics are really, really good at deflecting blame for the problem. Another thing that stuck out was your H's good qualities. Not all alcoholics are the "bums" you might imagine. A lot of us are very nice, considerate, contributing members of society. Unless we drink!!! Then, not so much. At the worst of my drinking career, my drinking was done in the pantry. Literally. I had a job, a nice home, a beautiful family, etc.etc. I fortunately didn't lose much due to my drinking. There are many people in AA who I cannot even imagine mean and sloppy and drunk. But they practice the program offered in AA. As to his reluctance about the "God thing", there are AA groups for atheists. Although, I'm not sure how that works, it does for some people. As flex mentioned, AA is not a religious program, it helps us get in touch with a spiritual side. There are no rules, only suggestions. It's a unique organization with amazing support in our fellowship.
Another FYI: The American Medical Association has deemed alcoholism a disease:
"Definition: Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is defined by the American Medical Association (AMA) as "a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psycho-social, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations."
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I can relate to what you're saying. DH is an alcoholic. He spent 5 weeks in rehab in 2014 and we've had ups and downs ever since. He has struggled to remain sober and also has problems with the God factor of AA. We're in the buckle of the bible belt and that doesn't help. He isn't able to attend the AA for Atheists since he's at work during their meeting time, but he has (finally) connected with someone who works a similar schedule and has been a help. There was a point earlier this year where I was pretty certain our marriage was ending. Now it is better, but that fear is always in the back of my mind. How long can I do this? How long can we do this?
It's a daily struggle as a wife. It's hard to be supportive when you see them stumble and fall. It's hard to cover for him when he's at a meeting and DS asks where he is; hell, even last week he said he was going to a meeting and didn't. He immediately told me afterward, but it really, really sucks.
I haven't connected with Al Anon, but I do have my own support system who has been a tremendous help. I encourage you to find support wherever it may be-Al Anon, therapy, good, true friends. Feel free to DM any time.
ETA: DH has really liked the SMART recovery meetings. He has felt more comfortable there with the lack of religion/higher power. Unfortunately the only one around us is almost 2 hours away. You'd think being in a pretty big city there'd be something closer...
You will know. Trust me, you will know. For me, it was when I had pulled my baby out of bed at 2:30 a.m. for the millionth time to puck xh up from the bar and he told me he would be drinking again 2 days later. I didn't want to put myself, and more importantly dd, through that anymore.
As others have said, recovery is one day at a time. Either way you choose, it's ok. Neither answer is wrong. Both are hard.
Another FYI: The American Medical Association has deemed alcoholism a disease:
"Definition: Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is defined by the American Medical Association (AMA) as "a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psycho-social, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations."
Just sayin'. : )
I'm not going to get into a pissing match about this. Programs that use the disease model cite this and accept it. Programs that do not, do not. A Google search on the subject turns up a lot of controversy, and all I wanted to say was that there are other ways of looking at alcohol abuse. AA is not for everyone.
I have been sober for ten years. I never missed work or got a dui or any other "evidence" that someone has a problem. Plenty of us appear to function just fine. Re the "I just do what's normal for everyone else our age" thing. My dad once told me "everyone DOESN'T drink like that. But anyone who doesn't isn't someone you'd ever hang out with. It hit home for sure. You surround yourself with other alcoholics / abusers and then pretend it's "normal". Alcoholics tell a story to themselves.
My FIL is a highly functioning alcoholic and abuser of pills. He is an ER physician and has never once had an issue with work. He was, by all accounts, a good dad, though maybe a bit distant as DH and his brother grew older.
MIL struggled for a very long time, but it all came to a head about 2 years ago. FIL drove home drunk (not the first time...) and ran his car into the side of the garage. Tore off the side mirror and left a huge dent in the garage door frame.
There are many, many functioning alcoholics out there. That doesn't mean they don't or can't cause problems for their families and loved ones. I think you are thinking about this rationally and that you will be able to make whatever decision is right for you and your family. But, please don't ever think that leaving your H would be bad for your children. They pick up on the tension and his drinking whether you know it or not.
Good luck and lots of hugs. If he is willing to get help, I would urge you to push him to pursue that. DH hasn't spoken with his dad since July. It breaks his heart and is a very sad situation all around. I wish his dad would acknowledge that he has a problem.
Another FYI: The American Medical Association has deemed alcoholism a disease:
"Definition: Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is defined by the American Medical Association (AMA) as "a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psycho-social, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations."
Just sayin'. : )
I'm not going to get into a pissing match about this. Programs that use the disease model cite this and accept it. Programs that do not, do not. A Google search on the subject turns up a lot of controversy, and all I wanted to say was that there are other ways of looking at alcohol abuse. AA is not for everyone.
I wasn't looking for a pissing match. I agree...AA is not for everyone.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny