Can I vent/talk about addiction?

[sunshineluv]

Has he quit drinking? I am sorry you are going through this. I wish there were some simple answer to give you, but there isn't. I am glad you are going to a therapist. I don't know your backstory, but from this little blip, it doesn't sound like you are being treated well.

[nachos]

((hugs))

You will know, even if you second guess your decision once you've made it. Honestly, it feels like such a relief once you've decided. Then you make the necessary changes, and begin a new normal.

I did it FOR my kids... (they deserved more, and that included a happy mom)

[sparkythelawyer]

I have no good words of wisdom, but here's some virtual hugs from an internet stranger.

[underwaterrhymes]

I can only address this from the perspective of a child of alcoholics, rather than a spouse.

Here's the thing. Alcoholics are sober today. They take it day by day because sobriety is an ongoing battle.

What is unfortunate is that it means it can only be day by day for people who love that person, too.

Now, years and years into sobriety, a comfort does emerge because you know the person is well-equipped with their support system and coping mechanisms, but it will always live in the back of your mind.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it really is okay whatever you decide.

[Deleted]

HUGS

[pantsparty]

Has he admitted he has an addiction? Is he in treatment?

[bittybomb]

I'm sorry.

I grew up with an active alcoholic dad. I never doubted that he did love me, and he was a good dad. But I so wish my mother would have divorced him. He had a host of other issues that made him divorce-worthy (probably the most important being that he would routinely beat the shit out of her when drunk) but she never left him. They had periods of separation but always ended up back together. Looking back I think she too is an alcoholic (her alcoholism I think was masked by just how bad his is), and they were incredibly (still are) co-dependent on one another.

So, as a result, it is hard for me to trust drinking. I mean, I drink. And when I do, which is pretty rarely these days compared to my college and law school days and the years immediately following, I DRINK. And I met my husband when I was 21. So we've always done this social drinking thing together. But I'm always so sensitive to how much each of us is drinking. I've had to talk with him about how the amount of his drinking was beginning to make me uncomfortable. He, unlike my father, is not a nasty drunk. And he actually doesn't typically drink so much he gets drunk, again unlike my father who still drinks until he's falling down drunk. But the frequency was concerning to me. Thankfully, he handled it well and took my concerns seriously.

I don't know your background/history, but I'd be sad if my life partner didn't take my concerns seriously. And I realize for me, my threshold might be way lower than someone who doesn't share my life experiences. And I still think its important for my partner to acknowledge my concerns.

I'm glad you're in therapy. Al-anon is amazing, and if you haven't checked it out, I would seriously consider it. Good luck

[flex]

There's a Recovery board here, and there's many of us who can commiserate with living with an alcoholic and/or addict. Come join us.

Alcoholism is a deadly disease, and it not only affects an alcoholic, but their family, friends, co-workers, etc. as well. Please give Al-Anon in your area. There are people who know EXACTLY what you're going through that can help you. Check it out!

[snipsnsnails]

You'll never know if this is the day that he loses his sobriety, ste. I wish you could. (((hugs)) But you have the power to make the decision for you and your child if you want to stay or you want to go. There is no shame or castigation in either choice. I love an addict, my brother. I can't control him, only the emotional, physical and mental resources that I pour into him. I've held different boundaries for different times in my life, depending on his circumstances and my own. It's a crazy, complicated, messy and heart wrenching dance you do with an addict, but we do it because we love and we hope, day by day. And that's all ok.

I'm sorry you're wrestling with this. Therapy is great. Al-Anon is great. Addiction, however, sucks.

[Deleted]

I have no help to give other than support and love. (heart)

[Gato]

(((ste))) Even if you feel like you're in a terrible place, you actually sound to me like you're thinking clearly about your situation. So please don't beat yourself up.

Everyone gets into tough situations in life, everyone, unless they have been extraordinarily lucky. You are not born perfect and so you will make mistakes. You may have a lot to learn. Never get down on yourself about this. What matters is that today, you are willing to learn, and to change in order to make your life and your kids' lives better.

I can't tell you what to do but I can assure you that you will know. For me, it was my XH's dishonesty that wore me down. He was a high-functioning alcoholic that mostly didn't even drink at all. BUT he couldn't be honest with me, and I decided I couldn't live with that anymore. It was a very freeing decision, to be free of all that uncertainty and decide that I deserved better.

[Bernadine]

I ended up leaving h because I just didn't trust that he would ever give up drinking permanently, and I just got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore.

I'm glad you're in therapy. I also highly recommend Al-Anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Deleted]

The update sounds not great.

[flex]

Just for clarification (and not to bash on your H) AA is not a religious program. It's all about a higher power as you understand he/she/it.

If he's a true alcoholic, it's a waste of time for you or him to explore "why" he's drinking. There is no why about it. A practicing alcoholic has no control over it and no reason has to be given for drinking, KWIM?

[Deleted]

So...regardless of what you do or do not do, are or are not, should or should not feel, etc. you don't make him drink. Drinking is not your doing. And your feelings are your feelings. Acting on them rashly may not be a good plan, but that doesn't make them any less your experience.

[pantsparty]

Well, I don't know what to say. What is the extent of the issue? Is he getting drunk multiple times per week? Passing out? Do you feel unsafe or subject to mood swings as a result of his drinking? What are the repercussions on your home life?

He needs to realize the impact of his actions first and foremost, and seek counseling/treatment if you're ever going to be able to rebuild trust.

[sunshineluv]

I had a friend who would get mad at her SO, or get her feelings hurt, and she would call me and ask if it was reasonable to be upset. I probably said the same thing to her 20 times. If you are mad, then you are mad. If your feelings are hurt, then they are hurt, and he should respect that.

I can be unreasonable, I can be overly sensitive, or hormonal, or grumpy, but if I get upset, DH listens, and tries to make me feel better, or we talk it out.

You have every right to your feelings. All of them.

[Deleted]

Alcoholics can be good parents, good people, hold down jobs, etc.

I'd actually say the vast majority of alcoholics I see in the ED have families and function well on a daily basis...until they don't.

Definitely keep up with therapy and take up the recommendations of al-anon. Maybe you are being a "hypochondriac" but I think addicts especially try to spread the blame and make you feel like you did something wrong.

I hope you find happiness, everyone deserves that.

[bittybomb]

Mar 16, 2016 12:49:47 GMT -5 ste said:

Mar 16, 2016 12:41:03 GMT -5 @astrid said:

The update sounds not great.

This is the issue I have.  I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive to it or not.  But my husband has not once ever said I'm making too much of it or overreacting.  Because at the end of the day, I am me, and it makes me uncomfortable, whether that is reasonable or not.  I can see your husband suggesting couples counseling so that you can explore your reaction together, but to outright tell you you're making too much of it bothers me.

[sunshineluv]

Mar 16, 2016 13:06:13 GMT -5 ste said:

Mar 16, 2016 12:56:55 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Well, I don't know what to say. What is the extent of the issue? Is he getting drunk multiple times per week? Passing out? Do you feel unsafe or subject to mood swings as a result of his drinking? What are the repercussions on your home life?

He needs to realize the impact of his actions first and foremost, and seek counseling/treatment if you're ever going to be able to rebuild trust.

When I type this out, it reads like I am making something out of nothing.

To me it reads like you are making something out of something. Any one of those things is a huge red flag to me, huge. All combined, it is even more so. (Maybe the paying with cash isn't a red flag, but it is if it is so you won't see it on the cc bill)

[marylennox]

Wow, so much of what you posted sounds eerily similar to my own relationship. So unfortunately I have no advice, just hugs, and I'm sorry. I'm in therapy too; confused is an understatement. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk about it more.

[hopecounts]

Alcoholics aren't always the stereotypical falling down drunk, unable to hold a job, slob.
You are an alcoholic if alchohol is a problem in your life.
Having to hide and lie about your drinking means it's a problem.

[shopgirl07]

You are not making something our of nothing. You are not.

You're H has a drinking problem. And that's going to affect every area of his life, especially your marriage. You are not crazy, you are not too sensitive.

I think a lot of times, if someone isn't falling down drunk all the time and getting DUI's we tend to dismiss the fact that they could be an alcoholic. Alcoholism can look many different ways. Also I think sometimes people get a little nervous about their own drinking so they're quicker to dismiss the label of alcoholism unless it's an obvious case.

You are justified in what you're feeling. And you'd be perfectly justified in demanding he get specific help, or divorcing him.

[scottyderp]

I'm glad you're going to therapy.  None of your feelings sound odd or invalid--all valid.

Hugs.

[MixedBerryJam]

Mar 16, 2016 12:49:47 GMT -5 ste said:

Can't quote, of course, so the "oomph" of my post may be diminished. But with regard to his issues with substance abuse: You are blameless. Sure, maybe you could handle things differently on the homefront, etc. But none of that matters one whit if he's still drinking. You are completely blameless there. No matter if he says, "XYZ makes me do it" "You being a xxx makes me do it" "The stress of parenting (or aging parents) makes me do it." Nope. Nope. Nope. He chooses to do it.

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you that as a person in recovery, I know I'm only sober today and I don't "trust" that I'll be sober tomorrow. Or only a little bit drunk tomorrow. Let me get through today, and we'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. But the most important thing is getting through today, sober.

And one more thing: your and your husband's experiences may be different, and I'm not judging at all. But I used to think I was a "good mom" too, in spite of actively drinking. Once the haze cleared, though, I realized I wasn't a good mom, only a damn lucky one. 

[Gato]

Mar 16, 2016 13:06:13 GMT -5 ste said:

...

When I type this out, it reads like I am making something out of nothing.

No, it doesn't read that way at all!

First and foremost, there should be ZERO times when you feel unsafe with your H.  Even one time means that all the time after that, you're worried in the back of your mind, and you probably have changed your own behavior so as not to bring on his bad behavior.  You should never have to do this.  Your partner is supposed to be your rock, and if he doesn't feel that way to you, your marriage has a fundamental problem.

His hiding his drinking means he knows you don't like it, yet he chooses to do it anyway.  This shows he has a problem.  He may not be a raging, everyday drunk but he is not able to stop and he is not able to make you feel safe.  You know you deserve better, or you wouldn't be writing this post.

Again, (((HUGS))).

[car.ramrod]

Mar 16, 2016 13:12:15 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

Mar 16, 2016 13:06:13 GMT -5 ste said:

When I type this out, it reads like I am making something out of nothing.

To me it reads like you are making something out of something. Any one of those things is a huge red flag to me, huge. All combined, it is even more so. (Maybe the paying with cash isn't a red flag, but it is if it is so you won't see it on the cc bill)

I couldn't agree more.  I am the daughter of two very long term alcoholics.  I grew up with it everyday.  My parents were great parents and were able to hold very high level positions and have a great life but HAD to drink every night.  It started with drinking beer every night and then it moved to liquor and then it moved to entire bottles.  They continue to drink despite my dad's liver failure and numerous rehab stays, etc.  This disease sucks.

Addicts are VERY good at hiding their addiction.  Until the last couple of years (when my dad was diagnosed) most people had no idea it was happening, even family.  My brother always thought I was being dramatic about it until he final saw the shit hit the fan.  They are so good at sneaking.  My parents hide their alcohol and buy it only with cash.  I would help them do their bills online so they figured out I would see their transactions.  They are grown ass adults that act like sneaky teenagers.  This is absolutely not normal behavior and if he is hiding it there generally is a reason.  If he had nothing to hide then why do it?  

If his behavior makes you uncomfortable trust your gut, not only for yourself but for your children.  I was very lucky that we never got in an accident because my parents always thought they were "fine" to drive and I look back and thank my lucky stars nothing ever happened.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Addictions are horrible and so hard on loved ones as you feel so incredibly helpless.

[hopecounts]

As far as him being a good guy/father do you feel OK leaving the baby with him and going out?
If the answer is no or even sort of then he is not a good guy or father PERIOD.

[margarita]

Hugs.

You are not making something out of nothing.
And he may be a good person/a good dad, but that doesn't mean that you have to stay in a situation that isn't good for you.

Take care of yourself.

[Eagles]

Mar 16, 2016 13:06:13 GMT -5 ste said:

I guess a major part of the issue for me

So, I had a problem with this when I was younger, and to hide it from my BF (we lived together), I too would buy only with cash, would visit different liquor stores, would drink when he wasn't home/was in bed, would hide the empties in a closet/suitcase/etc.  When you are going to that much trouble to hide it, it's because you know it's something you shouldn't be doing.  Does that make sense? 

I'll delete even that small quote if you want.  Just let me know.  And huge hugs.