LOL I just confronted my mom- now with actual post!

[meganew]

And it was awkward as hell.

I posted a few days ago about my mom suddenly being a Trump supporter and changing the way she talked/felt about just about everything. This seemed to coincide with her marrying a confederate flag wearing, PC culture hating redneck. Surprise surprise.

There was a huge blow up on my Facebook page this weekend after I posted something (on my own page) about Trump. Lots of yelling about Donny building the wall. ::puke::

Anyway, it ate at me all weekend. Not just because of the politics, but because she has done this for every man ever. Put them above me, above herself, her career, her health- everything. And I see these behaviors again. The house (that she bought) looks how he wants it, they do what he wants, they watch what he wants- everything revolves around him. And seeing it again kind of brought up shit that I obviously didn't get over.

So what did I do? I told her! Smart right? Lol. What I said was "I've seen these behaviors before, and I'm seeing them again, and from an outside perspective, it makes me nervous."

What the conversation turned into, or what she heard, was "Your husband is a dick and I don't like him."

Ugh. It was so awkward. And now I feel so guilty, even though I backed down from what I really wanted to say almost immediately, because anytime I bring up the past the tears start and I feel like an asshole for mentioning it : /

Anyway. Now I'm wrapped up in my awkwardness hiding under a blanket watching Deep Impact.

[Deleted]

[flex]

Que?

[tictac]

[meganew]

Lol- hit send to soon!

[rosiebear]

Mar 16, 2016 23:27:48 GMT -5 neener said:

Yeah, she's got the perpetual victim narrative down pat.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. It really sucks. I can empathize completely with the desperation of wanting her to see how wrong she is and to see how bad and hurtful what she's doing is.

But I am going to give you some tough love here. What you want from her is never going to happen. It's hopeless. I know that sounds terrible and harsh, but it's true. Disengage. Get therapy and work on how to love yourself so that you no longer seek her love because she simply doesn't have it. It's not your failing. It's hers. It's how she's shown herself to be for your entire life. It's not going to change.

I'm really sorry, but I agree completely.

[meganew]

Mar 16, 2016 23:27:48 GMT -5 neener said:

Yeah, she's got the perpetual victim narrative down pat.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. It really sucks. I can empathize completely with the desperation of wanting her to see how wrong she is and to see how bad and hurtful what she's doing is.

But I am going to give you some tough love here. What you want from her is never going to happen. It's hopeless. I know that sounds terrible and harsh, but it's true. Disengage. Get therapy and work on how to love yourself so that you no longer seek her love because she simply doesn't have it. It's not your failing. It's hers. It's how she's shown herself to be for your entire life. It's not going to change.

Oh I totally agree. I mean, I think she loves me a lot- but all the love in the world isn't going to change who she is. She apologized over and over again for shit she did and thanked me for even letting her into my life at all. But was like "It's totally different know." Ooooookay.

And as soon as I got off the phone I turned to H and go "WTF did I even hope to accomplish there?" Lol.

[meganew]

I will say, one good thing did result from it. Behold the following conversation between me and H-

Me: did you hear all that?

H: No. I put headphones in. You started backing down right away and I could hear you folding and it made me uncomfortable.

Me: Uncomfortable?

H: Yeah. I've never seen you do that before. I didn't know how to take it. It was like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.

Me: You're used to me arguing my point until I win... so you're used to me being-

H: - a terrifying warlord. Yes.

LOL. He's always good for a laugh. I told him I wanted that on a mug for Mother's Day.

[expatpumpkin]

I'm sorry, that's all I can say.

[adhdfashion]

When my Grandma got a new boyfriend she suddenly drinks, plays pool and lives in sin. Things she would have rained hell on us for, before Grandpa passed. Lol
It's like aliens took over her body.

[nachos]

Mar 16, 2016 23:50:01 GMT -5 neener said:

I definitely kept trying and hoping for a long time even after I realized how crazy my mom is. She used to write me these long guilt-trip emails and I'd respond point by point to show her how wrong and dismissive she was being, lol. My therapist has a file of them! They're almost funny now that I have this emotional distance, but now I see I wasted a lot of energy. I wish more people talked about mother-daughter dysfunction openly.

Agree.

[isabel]

I'm sorry, Meg. Sounds like your H is a keeper though.

[ginandjucie24]

I am sorry.

My mom would bash my H when I called her out on stuff.

I find it funny that my mom, who has the worst taste men would put her piece of shit bf above herself and everything would talk shit and trash my H, who is a pretty darn good husband and father.

Sounds like your H is a good H.

[jojoandleo]

This is my sister to a T and it is soooo hard to watch. I actually like husband #3, but it doesn't make it any easier to see my sister change, again! Although, I finally realized, I don't really know who my sister IS without a man. She has never been without one long enough to come into her own. Her longest period of being single, she took on our other sister's personality. (Other sister didn't notice it. She thought that's who oldest sis just is.) I've decided that as long as my sister isn't harming herself or others, I'm just going to sit back and let her do what she needs to do. Her most recent XH was trying to divide her from her family and other abuse signs, so I spoke up. But otherwise, I'm letting it go. I can't change her.

[berbles]

Mar 16, 2016 23:50:01 GMT -5 neener said:

 I wish more people talked about mother-daughter dysfunction openly.

Yaaasss, queen!

When I first started seeing my therapist, I was worried that just like every therapist before her, she'd focus on my alcoholic/drug addict father. I told her some background and her very first response was, "So tell me about your mom." I was like, whoa, really? And she followed with, "Well she's the one who raised you, by herself for the most part, right? So she's the one who has had the most influence on your attitude toward relationships, right?" It was the first time I'd ever explored the relationship I have with my mom. It was intense, to say the least. And it completely changed how I approach her and how I evaluate my own behavior.

[Deleted]

I completely understand. I haven't talked to my mom in 6 months. I am SO tired of my family trying to push us back together. "She's your mother. How would you feel if something happened?!?!" Blah Blah Blah.

My mother is toxic and a constant victim. She can take NO responsibility for the consequences of her choices in life.


It sucks because sometimes I miss the fun times we had, but I really just couldn't handle the constant victim that she is.

[Deleted]

That sucks. I am sorry. I am seeing so many people "liking" posts of facebook about trump. And I just file it away in my mind like "Ok.. now I know this about so and so". Its mind boggling.

[yourmother]

I'm sorry. This has to suck.

She's the one who rewrites history on FB, right?

[livinitup]

Actually, I think that was a big moment for you. And you've been wanting to say something for a while. Considering you've have no preparation and not the least bit of support or benefit of counseling - you did well. Even brave.

I think you are on the brink of really exploring your feelings about your mom and finding your voice. Not even the past. You want to know how to have an authentic relationship now. Try therapy. You sound ready.

[meganew]

Mar 17, 2016 17:50:04 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Actually, I think that was a big moment for you. And you've been wanting to say something for a while. Considering you've have no preparation and not the least bit of support or benefit of counseling - you did well. Even brave.

I think you are on the brink of really exploring your feelings about your mom and finding your voice. Not even the past. You want to know how to have an authentic relationship now. Try therapy. You sound ready.

Thank you so much. Truly.

I actually have a name of someone and tried to call, but I got their voicemail, so I figured, "Well, I'll try again in another 15 years!"

Kidding!

[meganew]

Mar 17, 2016 17:34:13 GMT -5 yourmother said:

I'm sorry. This has to suck.

She's the one who rewrites history on FB, right?

Everywhere. Mostly in public.

[yourmother]

I had a moment like yours about 11 years ago. It....didn't go well. It was a big disaster that actually made things worse. I finally started going to counseling and it really, truly changed my life. I learned tools and new perspectives. My relationship with my mother is 100% different now because I'm different. It took me yearS of therapy to get to a good and comfortable place with her. I strongly suggest you consider therapy. It really can be empowering to sort out your feelings and get tools on how to deal with your past and your future.

I wish you nothing but peace.