i need kid help. R won't wipe himself

[frkls]

he's going to be SIX this summer and he is absolutely, positively not wiping his own ass under any circumstances.  we have worked with him, bribed him, fussed at him, reasoned with him.  nada.  dh is threatening to put him in diapers over spring break (empty threat, but still not his finest moment) if he can't wipe his butt.  he totally refuses.  if we try to wait him out, he does that panicky crying-screaming thing. 
he's not super germaphobic or anything.  it's just this. 

[lilac05]

Is he able to tell you why he won't do it?

If you can dig to the bottom of why, it may lead you to a strategy to get him to do it.

[Chloride Kate]

What happens if you refuse to do it too? I would think the discomfort might have him rethink his strategy pretty quickly. Have you talked with him about it when he isn't in need of wiping? Maybe having a discussion when he's not on the toilet could help him ease himself into it when it comes time.

I'm working with my 5-year-old now, and we make her do it and then check once she is done. I keep stressing that nobody is going to wipe her butt in school, so she needs to figure it out on her own pretty quickly.

Would the wipes help? We always use toilet paper until it wipes clean, and then follow up with a Kandoo wipe. But maybe using those to start might be different enough for him to try.

[MixedBerryJam]

I really don't feel equipped to advise about this, but I think if my kid was ~6 and I was sure it was just orneriness stopping him I'd probably pick that hill to die on. "Sorry, I can't wipe anymore. It's in the rule book." But be prepared with some desitin for a rash in a couple of days. And I'd keep wet wipes in the bathroom for him. If the kid has an underlying fear or sensory thing going on or something complicating the issue, I take it all back.

[frkls]

Mar 17, 2016 17:41:25 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

Is he able to tell you why he won't do it?

If you can dig to the bottom of why, it may lead you to a strategy to get him to do it.

because he is not six.  infuriating, right?!

once he said he can't tell when it's clean and we discussed how to tell when it's clean.  he has said he's afraid to get it on his hands.  i told him no-bigs, you wipe it off and wash your hands immediately.  at that point, he put his fingers in his ears and started to yell. 

[Chloride Kate]

Also, if he is just worried about it getting on his hands, you could show him different ways to bunch up the paper to adequately protect his fingers. Or maybe let him use gloves until he gets the hang of it and feels more comfortable?

[8675309]

My 6 year old is not so much refusing but she does a HORRIBLE job at it. I still have to go in and check and there is usually poop all over her butt and hands. (Only with the messy ones.)

Since she has so much anxiety over the messy ones, she's now refusing to do it ever. It's quite annoying so I get it! Not really sure what the solution is but I am sure one day she'll get the hang of it?

[frkls]

Mar 17, 2016 17:42:56 GMT -5 Chloride Kate said:

What happens if you refuse to do it too? I would think the discomfort might have him rethink his strategy pretty quickly. Have you talked with him about it when he isn't in need of wiping? Maybe having a discussion when he's not on the toilet could help him ease himself into it when it comes time.

I'm working with my 5-year-old now, and we make her do it and then check once she is done. I keep stressing that nobody is going to wipe her butt in school, so she needs to figure it out on her own pretty quickly.

Would the wipes help? We always use toilet paper until it wipes clean, and then follow up with a Kandoo wipe. But maybe using those to start might be different enough for him to try.

we have wipes in all the bathrooms.  refusing to wipe leads to hysterical crying.  i have waited a LONG time (think, horrible dried-on poop long) and always buckled when he starts the crazy screaming-crying.  

we have had the "nobody will wipe you at school" so he refuses to go.  he only poops at home.

[frkls]

we have told him to wipe and we'll check and finish it, nope. won't even do it once.

[TR]

Latex gloves? I mean, then you have to break THAT habit, but man. I don't know.

[lilac05]

If he won't do it because he's not 6, then I'd either 1) just suck it up for a few more months & stand firm on no wiping once you're six, or 2) tell him it's actually a skill for 4 year olds. Or you could tell him he need to practice now so he will be able to do it on his own once he turns six.

When DS1 was learning this skill, we let him yell, "Quality Control!!!" from the bathroom and we would come in and check out the "quality of his work." We made it a fun thing and he liked getting to yell for us from the bathroom.

Good luck.

[usuallylurking]

Is he convinced when he turns 6 that then he'll do it? Like that's his reasoning?

[Jersey]

What would he do if you or his dad weren't there? My stepson was about that age when he had the choice of a 'stranger*' doing it or wiping himself and he did it himself and continued to from them on. I guess he realized it wasn't so bad lol.

It wasn't really a stranger, it was still family... just not one of his parents or grandparents.

[jsillyfun]

I would get him latex gloves just temporarily and maybe let him wait until he's six. Ugh I am sorry though, that sounds so awful.

[lilybug]

Oh man. I don't know what's worse, refusing to wipe, or my six year old who does such a shitty job at wiping (heh) that he gets an itchy butt and I have to start checking his wiping job. Ugh.

Honestly, I'd keep getting harsher with the consequences til it got the job done. No ipad time, favorite toys gone, etc. Maybe I'd also up the bribe at the same time. You don't wipe, you get no privileges, you do wipe, you get a pony! Lol

[frkls]

i think waiting until he's six is going to be the plan. i'm teh queen of waiting stuff out....the binky, the bedsharing, the boob. this one is just frustrating

[frkls]

thanks, guys

[frkls]

Mar 17, 2016 17:55:18 GMT -5 Jersey said:

What would he do if you or his dad weren't there? My stepson was about that age when he had the choice of a 'stranger*' doing it or wiping himself and he did it himself and continued to from them on. I guess he realized it wasn't so bad lol.

It wasn't really a stranger, it was still family... just not one of his parents or grandparents.

i don't know.  he only poops at home. 

like sheldon

[MixedBerryJam]

I think the gloves are a good idea, and omg I lolled at lilac05's "quality control." Oh, to be a fly on the wall!

[livinitup]

If you are not willing to push past the crazy-screaming then wipe him each time, without energy - and stop talking about it. I wouldn't fault you for letting him cry as long and hard as a crazy person, until he learns you won't do it - and I wouldn't fault you from shrugging your shoulders and do it every time.

But this in-between isn't working. So, stop all energy and conversation about it. Right now, he's in charge, really. He's 5, he wants to be in charge and call the shots. Once this isn't a battle (by loosing or by no energy) it won't be that interesting for him to refuse.

Not that either onion is a fun way to parent. Hugs.

ETA : onion = one

[foodiemom]

No advice, my oldest was similar. We never really forced the issue because we could tell it made him very uncomfortable and he has major anxiety issues. At some point at around 6 years old we made him start to try with one wipe, and then we did the rest which he was comfortable with. I'm pretty sure he wasn't fully doing it on his own until 7. Judge away, wasn't something I cared enough about I guess. My other child started when he was 5 and was doing it alone by 6 but they are two totally different personalities.

[pinkiepromise]

I feel your pain. We are in a similar situation with DS - he gives the same reasoning as yours. He's terrified he will get poop on his hands and says he'll start wiping when he turns 6. It's frustrating but I feel like eventually they will just get it.

[lochnessie]

Mar 17, 2016 18:05:40 GMT -5 frkls said:

i think waiting until he's six is going to be the plan. i'm teh queen of waiting stuff out....the binky, the bedsharing, the boob. this one is just frustrating

I'll go creepy lurker on you because I could have written your post word for word. My kid just turned 6 (5 days ago) and all the "you will have to when you turn 6" stuff DID NOT WORK! I'm a teacher and my DH is a pediatrician...you'd think we could whip him into shape!??! He could sit for hours if we let him, and we have. I don't know what will work, as he's not giving us any reason why he's not doing it! I feel your pain. If I find the magic solution, I'll let you know, if you find one please help a Mama out! 

[Deleted]

Stop wiping him and make him scrub the poop off of his underpants.

[speckledfrog]

I'd rather wipe than deal with gloves. They won't fit, they'll get poop on them, he'll drop one in the toilet. etc. Nightmare.

Frkls, I don't have a great suggestion. Will he wipe after you wipe? So he can practice without any poop being able to get on him?

[speckledfrog]

Mar 17, 2016 18:54:47 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

Stop wiping him and make him scrub the poop off of his underpants.

Is this a real suggestion? Do you have children?

[05heel]

Maybe he lurks here and read about your, ahem, "incident".

And the suggestion to dig to the bottom of why is cracking me up.

Clearly I have neither advice nor anything constructive to add.

[auntie]

This comes up a lot on the ASD boards- non-compliance around wiping meets at the intersection of anxiety, sensory issues and poor fine motor.

Most people who have lived this find wet wipes, gloves (small nitrile gloves should fit reasonably well and are pretty cheap) and a "first this, then <anything fun you ever wanted to do>" gets the job done. Some have escalated to the restorative practice of scrubbing hashmarks for the child to give them ownership of the process.

[mcsangel2]

Mar 17, 2016 17:51:31 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

If he won't do it because he's not 6, then I'd either 1) just suck it up for a few more months & stand firm on no wiping once you're six, or 2) tell him it's actually a skill for 4 year olds. Or you could tell him he need to practice now so he will be able to do it on his own once he turns six.

When DS1 was learning this skill, we let him yell, "Quality Control!!!" from the bathroom and we would come in and check out the "quality of his work." We made it a fun thing and he liked getting to yell for us from the bathroom.

Good luck.

This is seriously adorable.

[Deleted]

Have you tried the peanut butter on the plate?