Do you think there's any hope?

[whatupyo]

I don't feel happy in my marriage. My DH is wonderful. He would do anything to make me happy. He is responsible, helpful and a hard worker. I just feel like I appreciate him as a partner, but don't love him in a romantic way. When I talk to him, I don't enjoy it like I enjoy talking to my friends and parents. It doesn't make me feel good. We pretty much never have sex because I don't want to. It just doesn't "feel right". I want there to be a way for this to work because I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want to tear our family apart. He is like my security blanket. I hate myself for not being able to be happy.

[doriswe]

Are you in counseling??

[whatupyo]

Yes, we've been in counseling for 2 years and I am in individual counseling. Both counselors are pro trying to make this work. In couples counseling we've been working on my h trying to share some deeper feelings because the counselor has the theory that this will create a connection between us that will lead to intimacy-- emotional and physical.

[doriswe]

What does your individual counselor say? Are you telling your counseling what you said here?

[wrathofkuus]

It's hard for me to have an opinion on this without any backstory. I mean, it'd be one thing if you were never that into him, or if you were really into him in high school and the two of you just never figured out how to break up, vs another if (for example) the two of you disconnected after your son died, or if you just started feeling this way after reconnecting with an old boyfriend, you know?

[whatupyo]

We were never that passionate, more on the line of friends. I was 26 when I got married. I feel like I had low self-esteem when I met dh and I was so grateful that he was a nice guy who treated me well. Since then (I'm 32 now), I have increased my self-esteem and kind of created in identity for myself through my career, which makes me feel good about myself, if that makes any sense.

[wrathofkuus]

Oh. Then, no. No hope. Sorry.

[whatupyo]

We have a child on the way. Please don't flame me for this. We'd been stuck for so long.... I was afraid if we waited any longer I'd never have kids because I'd be too old once I found someone new. I can't fathom not having kids. DH will be a great dad. DH is 37 and I felt strongly about giving him his dream of being a father. We will love our child together.

[whatupyo]

I should add, right before we conceived, we almost got divorced. When the reality hit, we had some really tender moments, which made me think we were going to make it. We had "purposeful" sex and conceived our child. But these feelings that I felt when we were on the brink of divorce... they haven't been back since.

[whatupyo]

I wouldn't leave while pregnant anyway, but I have been more and more depressed and can't stop thinking about my marriage. He knows I've not been happy, but he just likes to pretend there is not any problems and keep plowing along.

[BlueBayou]

He probably thinks the baby will fix things or at least keep you too busy to think about it. I don't know how you will find passion for someone u settled for. Guys do not confront much. They ignore it and hope it goes away. You have a lot on your plate now. Only you know if there is hope since it sounds like you are the one who does not know if you want to continue. tough call.

[BlueBayou]

And really, why would he think there's any rush to work on a relationship when you chose to have a baby with him. That's like buying a house together. It usually means you want to be with that person a long long time.

[whatupyo]

Which we did this summer also. (Bought a new house.) I guess you can see why I feel sick with worry almost every day. I just.... we've been in limbo for so long, we had to just move forward at some point. The move got me closer to my family. But of course now I'm worrying more than ever.

[whatupyo]

And if I do decide to leave at some point, what does it mean that I can't even fathom hurting him and our family this way? I wish I didn't (excessively) care about hurting other people. It's always gotten me into trouble. How do you leave someone so wonderful and when there is "nothing" really wrong. It just makes me sick.

[BlueBayou]

This sounds terrible but it sounds like you're checked out and just feeling guilty cuz you know it will hurt him and that you're in way deep now

[doriswe]

Is there someone else on the horizon?

Have you tried, really tried, to put effort into the marriage or are you totally checked out? If you're checked out, I guess I don't really see a point in playing happy family because of the baby. The first year of your baby's life will be hard....you're tired, you can't think straight, you rarely talk to anyone about anything other than poop or vomit. Coparenting with someone you don't really want to be with is going to make all of that even more challenging.

[BlueBayou]

Aug 31, 2012 18:58:17 GMT -5 whatupyo said:

And if I do decide to leave at some point, what does it mean that I can't even fathom hurting him and our family this way? I wish I didn't (excessively) care about hurting other people. It's always gotten me into trouble. How do you leave someone so wonderful and when there is "nothing" really wrong. It just makes me sick.

I get what you are saying. But you also need to look at it s though he deserves someone who loves him like a husband and not just a body that is there when needed. That child deserves to know what a real relationship is , made out of love.

[belichick]

How far along are you? From your previous post it looks like the big D conversation was at the beginning of July.

[whatupyo]

To answer a few people's questions--- Yes, in July is when I had the last meltdown that nearly lead to divorce. It was right after that time that we conceived. I am 9 weeks along. There is no one else on the horizon.
I just.... I wish HE wanted more too. That would make this so much easier if we both wanted the same thing. I know he deserves a better relationship, but he doesn't see it. I'm also so scared of being alone. I can't imagine going to bed and waking up alone every day, and it makes me so freaking sad to picture him doing the same. I don't know how or if or when I'll get to the point that being alone is better than being here.

[jojoandleo]

I don't think there is anything to save, since there was nothing there to begin with. If you had EVER felt passion for him and actually wanted him, you could get it back. It sounds like you never did, and you settled. I don't think you can just create those feelings out of thin air.

[whatupyo]

But is it ever worth settling?

[belichick]

To answer your question- no it's never worth settling.

I do think you need to really try to get to the bottom of why you are so back & forth with your relationship. To go from divorce to having a baby and back to divorce again in two months is a lot.

I am trying to phrase this delicately- do you really want this baby? You are only 9 weeks along and you still have options. I know you've said that you will both love this baby, but I think you may be over-simplifying the co-parenting process. It seems like he reacted really badly the last time you mentioned divorce- how do you think he's going to handle it with a child added to the mix? I'm not trying to scare you, just to get you to look at things objectively.

[whatupyo]

I appreciate the reply. I know what you are saying. But yes, I want this baby so badly. I think both of us, and maybe this is going out on a limb to say this, knew we were still on rocky ground but it was worth the risk of a failed marriage to us to have a child, especially because neither of us is a spring chicken. I try to talk myself into the fact that settling in the passion department is worth it because instead I have stability. I try so hard to talk myself into findng a way for this to work. And I say, how many 50 year olds can say they have passion in their marriage?

[lookingup]

Sept 1, 2012 11:11:26 GMT -5 whatupyo said:

I appreciate the reply. I know what you are saying. But yes, I want this baby so badly. I think both of us, and maybe this is going out on a limb to say this, knew we were still on rocky ground but it was worth the risk of a failed marriage to us to have a child, especially because neither of us is a spring chicken. I try to talk myself into the fact that settling in the passion department is worth it because instead I have stability. I try so hard to talk myself into findng a way for this to work. And I say, how many 50 year olds can say they have passion in their marriage?

So what is your question then? You can ask us strangers all you want, but if you are unhappy, and you have been unhappy for this long, you know that is never going to change. You aren't going to convince yourself otherwise.

You don't want to leave because you don't want to go to bed alone every night? Honey, let me tell you. I sleep better now that I ever did during my marriage. Do you know how awesome it is to sleep across the entire bed?

[jojoandleo]

Sept 1, 2012 12:20:41 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

I think you need to be really honest with your husband about what you are feeling. Perhaps you are wrong and he doesn't want to have the baby with you. I guess it's your body and your choice but I was pregnant when I got a divorced and as horrible as it was I am really thankful I had a miscarriage. I don't have any connection to my ex now and I can move on and he can as well.

Watching other people co parent and hearing about their struggles it looks like one of the hardest things in the world to do. 32 and 37 is not really that old. Just be honest about your feelings with him.

Dude, she said she wants this baby, I see no reason to keep pushing her on this. Co-Parenting can be hard, sure, but I can guarantee you not one mom on here who has to co-parent regrets their child. This is her choice and not for anyone else to judge.

I think you are in a very hard place. You settled, and you can't go back and fix that now. Can you continue settling? Sure, but you won't be happy. That's not the marriage and relationship you want to show your child. I would sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband. Tell him everything you said here. Will it hurt him? Of course it will, but he deserves happiness as well. He deserves someone who loves him and didn't just settle.

All these choices are yours and yours alone to make. We can't tell you what to do. I wish you luck, it's not easy.

[dirtyred]

This is one 50 year old with passion in her marriage.

All that's going to happen with himis that you'll resent him more and more with each passing year. Is this really the kind of environment that you want to teach your child is normal? Kuus is right; you never had passion for him and it's not going to happen.