I lurk and comment still sometimes, but life has been a damn roller coaster.
So, as you all know, I finally told my husband I didn't want to be married any longer - that was back in January.
He cashed out his Roth IRA - $1500 to get an apartment. Instead, he bought a gun and gun accessories.
He works part time and also gets a decent amount in unemployment every two weeks. He has blown through $700 constantly every 2 weeks. I've totaled it up to about 2.5k he has gone through since I told him. All on gun shit. And eating out. And whatever women he is seeing.
I have been trying to kick him out but he will.not.leave. He kept telling me that if I kicked him out, he would stop the loan on my car. (Loan is in his name, title is in both of ours)
Sunday night I was speaking with the girl he is seeing and she pulled a "if you had pleased your man like a good wife, you'd still have him"
I stormed into the living room and yelled. And yelled. And yelled. I included such things as "everyone here hates you, all your friends hate it, it's amazing your family still speaks to you", maybe called him a disappointment a few times, and a whole lot of other stuff. Including "I want you OUT on Monday. You and ALL YOUR SHIT - GONE". I was to the point where I was shaking and losing my voice.
I know yelling doesn't solve a damn thing but I was/am tired of being a push over who plays nice. I played nice in hopes he'd find a full time job, save money, want to leave. We currently live with my parents and my parents are very hands off but my father is losing his patience and has stated that he wants to stay out of it 100% but blood is thicker than water and no one is going to treat his kid like this over and over again. I had to ask for help finally in handling this. He is my back up in the event.
At any rate, every time I saw his face I just kept yelling at him. I ended it with "oh and you can let her know that I don't want. Had the sex been good, I still wouldn't have wanted you. I don't want you - not then, not now, not ever" and then I left for awhile to calm down.
Needless to say Monday rolls around and he sends me a text in the morning letting me know he isn't leaving because he doesn't have the money/only starts full time job in the next few days. I was pissed. He then went whining to his Mom and let her know that he is staying here because he holds my car loan. Oh okay...I see how we are playing still.
I took a vacation day today (because honestly, I've been a wreck lately and keep randomly crying and just am so angry). I called up our car loan place, spoke with the owner, and he will give me a call in about 10 days when he gets the title so that I can put it all in my name. But I need ex to sign off on it. Worst case; I let them repossess the car and then I rebuy it.
Asked him if he'd sign off; "yes, but you cannot kick me out." I assured him up and down that I will not kick him out.
Guess what is going to happen once he signs off? ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER
My Father is willing to let him stay until then as well as long as he pays his part of the taxes.
But my Dad is so mad. SO mad. So am I.
I guess he is going to rent a storage unit tomorrow and start moving his shit out. He stated he put in an application for an apartment but it is only available in May. I told him to try again 'cause no.
He is seriously a grade A loser and I regret it took me 7 years to ditch his ass.
I have been separating our stuff and packing up his stuff so he can GTFO. And I don't trust him to separate the stuff. There isn't much I want, but there are a few things.
I go out a lot, unfortunately, I drink...a lot. I am aware it is becoming a problem but until he gets out, I feel like it is my only means of escape. I know that is a piss poor excuse but it holds back the tears and anger. I try not to get black out drunk, which happened once recently and though it is a semi funny story, it scared the crap out of me and I never want to go there again.
I've met some nice people. I have a no relationships, no feelings policy. It's been nice to meet other people and experience other people without the expectation of a relationship. I have been open and clear to them that I am not interested in a relationship, that I have a lot of things to work on still and get over. If they are not okay with that/looking for serious, it's okay to walk away. Biggest thing is, once he leaves, I need to work on me. In my own space. I need to find out exactly who TrickyBob is and make sure I'm okay.
I re-enrolled in school in order to finish my degree, as well as to ground me awhile and give me a different focus than going out/drinking.
At some point I should probably see a therapist.
If only I could tell you all how sucky the last 7 years have been. Looking back and with the help of some outside perspective, I've realized just how emotionally abusive he was.
What irks me to no end is how I knew this was all happening, I could see it. I knew things weren't okay and I kept fighting to save this marriage. I went to bat for him so much. While at home he bitched me out constantly for not enough sex, he cheated on me, he'd poke me, pinch me, prod me, and I'd ask him to stop and he'd laugh and tell me to grow up. Or "that didn't hurt, you're so wimpy". He'd enjoy making sex hurt me and then would brag to people. I couldn't even undress in front of him without being groped to the point where he'd legit get pissed at me because it wouldn't lead to more. I cannot tell you how many times I was in tears begging him to stop and he'd tell me "you are married to me, your body is mine". He didn't believe in a woman's body being her own when married.
I once told him he was abusive and he blew up at me. He 100% believes everything was my fault.
At any rate, I also want to say, that I used ML as an escape and over the years have said some pretty mean shit to some undeserving posters and a lot of it was me hiding from my marriage and lashing out because I had no where else to turn. And if you were on the receiving end, I'm sorry.
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Apr 5, 2016 22:14:54 GMT -5
Congrats on going back to school!
Be careful with your drinking. I know it's easy to just drino when life gets wild (I'm drinking wine tonight after a nutty king day at work) but if it's becoming habitual, proceed with great caution.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I really hope you can find a way to deal with the car loan thing quickly and throw him out. Is it possible to get a restraining order since he has been abusive? It worries me that he is armed because he is abusive. I know sometimes that may not be feasible or may drag things out more. I'm glad you have the support of your family. Hugs.
Post by sallywalker on Apr 5, 2016 22:21:44 GMT -5
Oh wow. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You need to kick him out. Now. Take his shit and throw it out. That's ridiculous. Let the car go if it comes to that. Get. Him. Out. Call the police and have him removed if necessary.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Apr 5, 2016 22:21:54 GMT -5
Fuck the car. Stop paying on the note, get a new car, have him removed from your home and file. I promise you that once you resolve the car issue there wi be another and another and another "problem" keeping him here. Have him evicted, take him and his car to his Mama's, I don't care. But move forward.
Hey, your life is going to change for the better, soon, because you had the guts to say, "Enough." I can't wait to see how much better your life is in a year. You've got this.
Also, what the f*ck is up with guns with this yippie-ki-yi-yay motherf*cker?
Tough love. None of this is healthy. I know you know this. I know it is easier said than done. But you have a choice if you want to head the healthy route and meet with a therapist and process all of this in a way that will help you heal... Or you have a choice to keep drinking and stewing and not healing.
I know it hurts. It sucks. And I'm sorry he's such a dick. You didn't deserve his treatment of you. Hugs.
I appreciate the tough love and no, it's not healthy. I did come home one morning and told my parents that things are not okay, I am not okay.
I just am stuck in that shitty part of where I feel like until he leaves, I am stuck. I am so incredibly angry.
I have been trying to find things to do/hobbies that don't involve forming bad habits because I'm aware things are heading in a tricky direction. And having a history of alcoholism in my family, I don't want that.
Fuck the car. Stop paying on the note, get a new car, have him removed from your home and file. I promise you that once you resolve the car issue there wi be another and another and another "problem" keeping him here. Have him evicted, take him and his car to his Mama's, I don't care. But move forward.
Yes! He will keep finding excuses to not go. Get the police involved if you need to, but you need to get him out. You won't be able to move on until you do.
I'm sorry things are so crazy right now. I'm glad you are taking steps to move towards a happier life. I hope his crap gets out of the house quickly so you can start picking up the pieces.
Ditto cinnamoncox0 on the drinking. Fight the urge to replace one problem with another. You can see yourself sliding. Time to step back now before it becomes a bigger issue. You can use this board as an escape. Vent, laugh, encourage others, improve your gif skills...and benefit from the support of others who have "been there, done that."
Hey, your life is going to change for the better, soon, because you had the guts to say, "Enough." I can't wait to see how much better your life is in a year. You've got this.
Also, what the f*ck is up with guns with this yippie-ki-yi-yay motherf*cker?
He is a die hard gun toting Trump supporting Republican. Which is a major reason he repulses me and I didn't realize how racist and ignorant he was until I was legally married to him. And I put up with it because "divorce is a sin!" and I felt like a failure and like I was letting everyone down if I called it quits.
That man has bought THOUSANDS of dollars worth of firearms in the last mainly 5 years. I cannot tell you how many he brought in and out during our marriage. Though I trusted him with them and he preached safety and we had a safe and shit, there was always a level of discomfort in him owning them. Because he is OBSESSED with them. And he'd blow all our bill money on them and then get mad at me when the bills wouldn't get paid. ETA: I am also embarrassed of the times I got into gun discussions on here and was all "oh my husband is a good guy with a gun!" ugh! He is very pro castle law and that icks me out. Call the fucking cops, don't shoot someone.
I will be honest and say we owned a .22 that I've used at the range. I took it and had my Dad keep it for me...mainly to spite my ex because he won't sell them/let me touch them even though it is common martial property technically, even though they are registered to him. Except...as his wife, legally, the rifle is mine if I wish. So I took it. As a fuck you.
What are the laws like in your state for tenants? I assume he isn't on a lease or anything. Will your parents have to give him 30 days notice to evict? It would be a good idea to look into that and start the process, rather than taking his word that he will leave on his own accord.
30 days and he is a tenant.
I've prepped my Dad for that one.
We actually pay no rent, what so ever. So...I don't know if that is still considered a tenant?
And why in the fresh hell are you talking to his gf? Stop that.
Oh. She sent me a msg. She is a former class mate of mine. We have enough friends in common that I was getting msgs from friends going "uhh why is your ex being tagged in her stuff"
It's okay. She blocked me after she told me my wifely duties sucked. lol.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Apr 5, 2016 23:01:30 GMT -5
Stop flailing. Start doing. Tomorrow - solve your transportation issues. Then meet a lawyer and start moving on filing for divorce. Then have your folks file for eviction.
The time for excuses is done. You need to start moving forward. You can do it.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's messy and painful and I'm sorry.
Have you considered going to AA? Even if you don't consider yourself an alcoholic you're using it as a crutch, you're not seeing a counselor and you have a family history. They're a good, free support.
About the car. You said that AH (that's AssHole) has to sign off. What are the repercussions to returning it and buying another? Do you think the owner of the dealership will let you go that route instead of signing off for a refinance? Or can you refinance without him signing off? I don't think you can take his name off the title without his signature though. If that's the case, I'd opt for letting the dealership take it back and find yourself a less expensive vehicle.
Tenant laws vary by state, but in mine even if he's not paying rent, if he's in the house for more than X days he's a tenant and your folks have to go through the eviction process. I know someone that had to do that once upon a time. It was not a pretty time when her roommate refused to leave while she was in the eviction process. But maybe AH is a complacent jerk who won't know the eviction laws and will simply move in with HIS mom or the current girlfriend instead.
The guns worry me. I don't know what to say on that except be careful and make certain there are reports of what he owns and maybe get a TRO so the police are aware of your concerns as well? I dunno.
Post by intentionalsnarkshark on Apr 5, 2016 23:24:59 GMT -5
The guns have me really freaked out dude. You need to contact a lawyer and the police, in that order, asap. Ownership of a car isn't worth your safety and he's just playing you on that anyway.
The guns have me really freaked out dude. You need to contact a lawyer and the police, in that order, asap. Ownership of a car isn't worth your safety and he's just playing you on that anyway.
Why the police? It's disconcerting, but it doesn't sound like he is threatening her. What would the police do?
I agree that it's time to start making a plan because he isn't going to act on his own. He's got it pretty sweet right now. Let your lawyer guide you on how to give him to boot.
The guns have me really freaked out dude. You need to contact a lawyer and the police, in that order, asap. Ownership of a car isn't worth your safety and he's just playing you on that anyway.
Why the police? It's disconcerting, but it doesn't sound like he is threatening her. What would the police do?
I agree that it's time to start making a plan because he isn't going to act on his own. He's got it pretty sweet right now. Let your lawyer guide you on how to give him to boot.
To be there when he's collecting his stuff. Sorry I wasn't more specific. I don't mean call the police to arrest him or anything.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there some reason you can't leave? When I left my abusive xh, I went to my grandma's house. Anything to get out, and I figured out the rest later. It was actually nice not being anywhere his stupid ass was, and no looking at a staircase remembering the time he threw me down them. Or any other reminders.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there some reason you can't leave? When I left my abusive xh, I went to my grandma's house. Anything to get out, and I figured out the rest later. It was actually nice not being anywhere his stupid ass was, and no looking at a staircase remembering the time he threw me down them. Or any other reminders.
She's living with him at her parent's house. That would mean leaving him alone with her parents. I personally couldn't do that.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Apr 6, 2016 4:49:19 GMT -5
(((hugs))) (((huge hugs))) I'm glad you're taking a stand, and I won't repeat the same stuff others have said. Can I just tell you that, not having drunk for ELEVEN!!1!!! years, the worst day with your h is going to be better if you're not hung over. I know it's easy to escape but man, no matter what the challenge is (and I know our challenges were different but both involved the end of a marriage and the beginning of a new life), I am so fucking grateful that I wasn't drinking through the worst of mine. I wish you the best.
He is a tenant, even if he isn't paying rent. Sprky gave you good advice. Go see a lawyer. Start eviction proceedings. And stay at s hotel until he leaves. This isn't the prelude to a divorce, your marriage has just entered a different stage of disfunctional. You have to take control of this situation if you don't want it to linger like this indefinitely.
I would also read the gun application to see if it includes any misrepresentations- such as, for example, about recent divorce or related proceedings, or where the gun will be stored. And to report him to the police to have the guns seized. No way would I want those things floating around while my father evicted him and I started divorce proceedings.
Because you are talking about pretty big issues- residency, division of marital assists, division of marital debts. ALL those things need to be addressed legally and formally in a court of law. Even if you don't go to trial but just sign an agreement and file with the court. Especially because you're in a very contested divorce. I appauld your anger and resolve, but you need a divorce lawyer.
Ditto the need for a lawyer, stat. And eviction, immediately. That should not be something you are "prepping" your dad for as a worst case. He has refused, many times, to leave. Your dad is already (rightfully) pissed off, and I'm betting he doesn't even know the half of it since your H is still on this side of the dirt, let alone LIVING IN HIS HOME. This is nonsense. Get him the hell out and start focusing on yourself and your healing and progress.