I'm sorry that I haven't been around. - Update in posts.

[katespade]

I've been so trapped inside my own head this week, and I don't think I've posted here even once since last weekend.
I feel really selfish because I haven't been participating, and now I'm back to talk about myself again... but I need to get this out somewhere.


My first therapy appointment is tomorrow, and I'm feeling entirely overwhelmed. 
I'm really terrified and embarrassed and hesitant to say this, but on top of everything else... I think that I might have an eating disorder.
I don't know how to approach it at all after spending so many years being accused of disordered eating and making up symptoms to hide body image issues. I've never made up symptoms and I don't have body image issues, so I've always believed that nothing about my health issues could ever be linked to anything labeled an "eating disorder." That phrase is like a bad word in my head. The excuse the doctors used to ignore my pain for 12 years. I don't know how to pull myself out of that mindset in a way that will allow me to admit to a stranger that I'm concerned and I need help.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this.
Advice? Good thoughts? Forgiveness for being MIA?

:/

[estrellita]

*hugs* don't feel bad at all. We all need a break sometimes! I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. I know it's stressful and difficult but be as open and honest as you can. I feel like we're similar in the sense that I would know I need help, but then I get to the doctor and put on my happy face and pretend everything is fine when in reality that's NOT at all going to help! Remember that if you can. The more honest you are, the more they can help, even if it takes a little time. I hope they are able to help you and get you into a better place very soon!

[amaranth]

*hugs* so sorry you're struggling right now I really, really hope tomorrow feels like a safe place for you to open up.

Maybe something that could help you differentiate between your eating struggles aand your genuine health concerns would be to start making a list of the true dietary accommodations your body needs. Pinpoint exactly what you do/don't do from a legitimate need to stay pain and sickness free. Then see what habits ie behaviors are leftover. Those are the ones you can try to address. Maybe if you're nervous about therapy your husband can help here to begin with. I am certain if you explain what you're dealing with he'd love to support you through the process of good decision making.

There's no shame in struggling, and it's so easy for a real health issue to become a bigger, altered lifestyle. No judgement here at all. Just love, hugs, and support.

[awick14]

So many hugs girl.

For your appointment tomorrow can you write down how you feel and give it to the therapist? That way it's out there and you don't have to say anything. Even printing off some stuff you have written here in the past.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, I hope the appointment goes well.

[katespade]

awick14 - I think I'm scared to walk in and say, "Hi, I think I have X," because I've had doctors laugh and mock me for self-diagnosing when I've said things like that in the past.

I've been really concerned about my calorie intake lately and the fact that I'm finding myself consciously choosing not to eat so I did some Googling on anorexia, which lead me to Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, which pretty much perfectly describes me and my relationship with food. I'm just terrified of the "eating disorder" label.

amaranth - H and I have talked a little bit, but he's struggling with his own stuff right now. I know that he would support me without question, but I don't want to continue to pile my issues on top of his. He deserves to be able to focus on himself.

@lapsha, estrellita - Thank you for the support.

[awick14]

katespade- when you write the note, don't self diagnose just write how you feel. I.e. Avoiding food, no appetite etc.

[estrellita]

I agree with awick14. Sometimes you might think it's one thing, when really it's something totally different. My BFF had an eating disorder since before I met her. For her (and a lot of other people) it was about control. She finally got help and has been doing great for years now. She did gain some weight but then lost some of it again in a healthy way instead of the way she had done it before. But the most important thing is that she is much happier. I hope you can find a way to be healthy withing restricting yourself more than you need to.

[pooh8402]

I have no advice, just lots of hugs.

[wanderingenough]

First off, hugs. Sharing and asking for help is a big step. I think you got some great advice already. Just try to go in with an open mind and tell the therapist what you are telling us.

[HoneySpider]

Sending hugs, I hope your appointment tomorrow is helpful in sorting through everything.

[ewall]

I've been wondering where you were this past week! No need to apologize for taking a break.

I don't have much advice, but I'm sorry that you're in a rough spot and hope you find some answers. Hugs.

[bk1]

Sending hugs. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. You have done so much to help take care of yourself by making this appointment. Just remember how strong you are and how you are fighting to be healthy in every regard. 

[luv2rn4fun]

I'm.sorry you are struggling and I pray tomorrow goes well.

Eating disorders are hard and scary. My HS BFF had really bad anorexia. We ran track together and when the season ended and the coaches weren't constantly watching, she slipped again. I had a feeling and took her for a hard run one day. If she was eating she could handle.it no problem. Well, she broke down early in the run. I talked to her and then shared with our coach, who then had me tell her mom. I was leaving for my dad's for summer and was scared I would come back and not see improvement. BUT, she got the help she needed and has never looked back...in fact she got a degree in nutrition and is now an RD who specializes in helping those with EDs.

All that to say...I hope you feel comfortable opening up to the therapist and he/she is the right fit to help you through whatever it is you are going through (might be an ED, might not). I also hope you have IRL support because if it is an ED it is really easy to go back to of ways.

((Hugs)) you are strong and beautiful! You can do this friend! We are here for you too!!

[MrsMB]

SO MANY HUGS LADY! Also, never apologize for coming to us with a need. We ALL have seasons where we need help! We've all had times where the board was an encouragement for us. None of us keep tabs on how much the others needed help. This is what we are here for!

I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to share.

I hope that the therapy is enlightening and that you benefit sooo much from it! FX you get the answers and help you need!

[Deleted]

I was thinking of you this week. T&Ps for today's therapy appointment!

TL;DR - I'm going to the therapist this week too. It's freaking scary. My only advice for you (and me) is to be honest with your therapist about your fears and concerns, he/she is not among the naysayers from your past. His/her job is to help you work through this, not condemn you.

I'm feeling very similar to you about my mental health and my therapist appointment on Thursday. I lie A LOT about my mental health because if I did't tell anyone then they couldn't dismiss me. I'm deathly afraid of going to therapy only to have another person tell me anxiety and "sadness" are normal. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone in this.
I have to keep telling myself: "You need this. You deserve this. You've lied and pretended everything was okay for far too long." Feel free to steal this lame mantra lol.

No matter what things doctors (or others) have said to you in the past, you know best what is going on with you right now. ((PDQ)In regards to EDs, my sister was bulimic and I would feel much better knowing she had acknowledged it and tried to move past it. The only comfort I have is that the signs of bingeing & purging are gone.) If you're concerned about certain things, talk to your therapist about them. PPs are right in that telling them what you're struggling with or are most concerned about might be more illuminating than "I'm afraid I have/I'm X." But most therapists would likely just say "Why do you think you have/are X?"

[Deleted]

Sending you so many hugs!

[katiek]

So many hugs. I hope your appointment goes well. I found that when I went to therapy for the first time, it actually wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I stressed myself out so much over making the appointment and then freaked myself out leading up to it. By the time I actually got there, I found that the harder parts were over. I hope you find that it's similar for you!

[travelbug]

Sending lots of hugs!!

[Skyesthelimit1212]

I know that everyone has posted and I haven't read through them all, so I'm sorry for repeating this if someone else has said it already. Please don't ever apologize for asking for help, I swear the phrase "please help me" is the hardest phrase to say, and there is NO shame in admitting you can't handle things on your own. I hope your appt helps you feel better and I can't say it enough you are loved by the people on this board, so I'll say if you want to complain feel free to to msg me and complain and let your feelings out as much as you need.

[katespade]

UPDATE: I feel like the appointment went well. We didn't really go in depth about anything, but talked through the basics (I had to fill out a huge packet of info about myself, my life, my issues, my childhood, etc, and we went through it together). She seemed to understand my thought processes, followed my explanations of why I struggle in the ways that I do, and told me that she planned to research Gastroparesis before my next appointment so she could know more about it and how it impacts me. She asked me to schedule weekly appointments with her, which I'm taking as a good sign that she doesn't think I'm beyond help.

I tried to be as honest as possible with her, including talking about my past negative experiences with doctors and therapists. I don't feel like much got accomplished today, but I think it was a successful first step.

[estrellita]

Good update She sounds like she might be a good fit for you! It seems like she's really listening to you and dedicated to helping you. I love that she is going to do research just so she can better help you. I'm glad you see it as a good first step. Unfortunately these kinds of things can't be fixed as fast as we want them to be.. trust me, I know! I hope you continue to see her and that she is able to help you more!

[luv2rn4fun]

Great update! I'm glad you like her and am happy to see she is taking initiative to learn more about your health issues so she can best help you! Ditto estrellita...it might take longer than you hope but hopefully she is the right therapist who can eventually get you into a much better place.

[katespade]

luv2rn4fun - Oh yeah, I'm definitely not expecting anything to get better quickly. It's taken 13+ years for me to get this bad, so I imagine it will take quite a bit of time and a lot of difficult work to change my thought processes.

[bk1]

Great update!

[ginkgoleaf]

I'm just reading your post now, but I'm so glad that you went to a therapist and hope you're on your way to recovery. Big hugs to you.

[MrsMB]

So glad you've gotten the opportunity to start towards your recovery katespade I hope she is able to get you to a really good place.

[awick14]

I'm so glad that it went ok, even if it wasn't that productive. She doesn't know you like we do ?.

I'm glad you'll be meeting weekly to discuss things.