How does this happen? Seriously?

[gozf]

Over the past few months, I've seen people posting that they were never attracted to their husbands.

I do not get it. What the fuck? Talk about doing it wrong.

Attraction ebbs and flows, sure. But to think you can have a sustainable long term relationship with it never wing present blows my mind.

I dated someone I wasn't attracted to once. In 10th grade. It lasted maybe 4 weeks. I didn't do it again.

So, yeah. I don't get it.

[lookingup]

This is a really great question. I actually have a guy friend that is awesome; I love hanging out with him, we have lots in common, and I know that he would do anything for me. I recently told him though that there will never be anything romantic between us, but I didn't tell him that it's because I'm not attracted to him. How do people let this happen? Talk about settling.

[jojoandleo]

People get lonely, and someone is nice to them and they can't come up with a "valid" reason not to date him. It's that good on paper guy. Low self-esteem tells them it's THEIR fault they aren't attracted to him, that they SHOULD be attracted to him and if they keep trying, maybe they will be. Then he proposes and there is no "valid" reason to say no. I mean, he's nice, never cheats, loves you, how can you say no? I mean, passion fades anyway. Then one day, you wake up and realize you aren't happy, you were never happy and you let society and friends chorusing "he's SUCH a nice guy" convince you it's YOUR problem. There is nothing wrong with you. It's not your fault you aren't attracted to him, but what do you do now.

At least, that is how I picture it. I dated my HS boyfriend for way too long. We had passion to begin with, but when we grew up, I didn't have passion for who he became. He was a great guy, but just not for me. When ever I told my friends my feelings they told me I was crazy, that we were "perfect" I mean look at ________ her ex cheated on her! HS boyfriend would NEVER cheat on me, so why would I leave? I actually lost a number of friends when we broke up because I was "the bad guy". How could I do that to him when he was SUCH A NICE GUY!

[lookingup]

Sept 1, 2012 13:05:19 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

People get lonely, and someone is nice to them and they can't come up with a "valid" reason not to date him. It's that good on paper guy. Low self-esteem tells them it's THEIR fault they aren't attracted to him, that they SHOULD be attracted to him and if they keep trying, maybe they will be. Then he proposes and there is no "valid" reason to say no. I mean, he's nice, never cheats, loves you, how can you say no? I mean, passion fades anyway. Then one day, you wake up and realize you aren't happy, you were never happy and you let society and friends chorusing "he's SUCH a nice guy" convince you it's YOUR problem. There is nothing wrong with you. It's not your fault you aren't attracted to him, but what do you do now.

At least, that is how I picture it. I dated my HS boyfriend for way too long. We had passion to begin with, but when we grew up, I didn't have passion for who he became. He was a great guy, but just not for me. When ever I told my friends my feelings they told me I was crazy, that we were "perfect" I mean look at ________ her ex cheated on her! HS boyfriend would NEVER cheat on me, so why would I leave? I actually lost a number of friends when we broke up because I was "the bad guy". How could I do that to him when he was SUCH A NICE GUY!

Yikes. This is awful. Sorry, nice guy, but I'm not going to date you if it doesn't turn me on to think about sticking my tongue in your mouth.

[wwms]

My situation with my ex h was completely because of my low self esteem and I didn't want to be the only one of my friends not married.

I was 21, I had just broken up with my college boyfriend so my ex h should have been my rebound and nothing else. But I stayed with him because everyone around me was getting married and I didn't want to be alone.

It was so bad that I wrote to Dear Abby and had it printed in the paper. I stupidly didn't listen to Abby. Then the day of my wedding I broke out in hives but still went thru with it. My marriage only lasted for 14 months. I was so happy when it was over.

I did at least learn fromm experience. I left my son's father because I wasn't going to settle again and put up with everything that was wrong in our relationship even though I was pregnant.

[explorer2001]

Yeah I can understand. I've been good friends with a guy since 8th grade. He actually swooped me up and carried me off the track after I got hurt once. He's a great guy, kind, caring, heck he's even pretty hot. We kissed once after my divorce. Don't get me wrong I love this guy to death, but it felt like kissing my brother. I couldn't date him after that.

[BlueBayou]

I personally can't wrap my head around it either, but Jojo did a good job giving me a different perspective on it and can see how it could happen. I,myself, could never talk myself into such a huge thing with someone i was not attracted to. But self esteem is such a powerful force, i can see how it happens to some.

[mrsee]

Sept 1, 2012 13:14:44 GMT -5 mp said:

Sept 1, 2012 13:05:19 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

People get lonely, and someone is nice to them and they can't come up with a "valid" reason not to date him. It's that good on paper guy. Low self-esteem tells them it's THEIR fault they aren't attracted to him, that they SHOULD be attracted to him and if they keep trying, maybe they will be. Then he proposes and there is no "valid" reason to say no. I mean, he's nice, never cheats, loves you, how can you say no? I mean, passion fades anyway. Then one day, you wake up and realize you aren't happy, you were never happy and you let society and friends chorusing "he's SUCH a nice guy" convince you it's YOUR problem. There is nothing wrong with you. It's not your fault you aren't attracted to him, but what do you do now.

At least, that is how I picture it. I dated my HS boyfriend for way too long. We had passion to begin with, but when we grew up, I didn't have passion for who he became. He was a great guy, but just not for me. When ever I told my friends my feelings they told me I was crazy, that we were "perfect" I mean look at ________ her ex cheated on her! HS boyfriend would NEVER cheat on me, so why would I leave? I actually lost a number of friends when we broke up because I was "the bad guy". How could I do that to him when he was SUCH A NICE GUY!

Just read your first paragraph after I posted. This was me. To a T.

Me too

[Deleted]

I think jojoandleo did a pretty good job at explaining the situation. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me at all. So many people are with a SO they don't find that attractive but they like other qualities in them. And indeed, if the guy is nice, caring, funny... but you're not that attracted to him you tend to think you are being a little too shallow for not dating a guy who has inner beauty qualities, kwim?

[explorer2001]

Sept 1, 2012 15:32:18 GMT -5 @landobiscuit said:

I think jojoandleo did a pretty good job at explaining the situation. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me at all. So many people are with a SO they don't find that attractive but they like other qualities in them. And indeed, if the guy is nice, caring, funny... but you're not that attracted to him you tend to think you are being a little too shallow for not dating a guy who has inner beauty qualities, kwim?

Heck I still feel that way about my friend I didn't date. I also start wondering if I'm only attracted to guys who are bad for me because of my history. Would I really find a nice guy attractive?

[Lauren88]

I've been wondering this too.

I get what PP's said about being lonely and settling but why would you do this to yourself? I can get going out on a date with someone that you aren't uber attracted to but to stay in the relationship and then marry them? That I don't get. It doesn't even have to be purely physical attraction. Lots of guys out there aren't super hotties but most of the time something about them is attractive.

I found my STBXH very attractive and still think he's hot. If I've learned one thing on this board is that I would never settle for someone I don't find attractive in my next relationship. You just have to be sexually attracted to them for it to work for the long haul.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 1, 2012 16:09:53 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I've been wondering this too.

I get what PP's said about being lonely and settling but why would you do this to yourself? I can get going out on a date with someone that you aren't uber attracted to but to stay in the relationship and then marry them? That I don't get. It doesn't even have to be purely physical attraction. Lots of guys out there aren't super hotties but most of the time something about them is attractive.

I found my STBXH very attractive and still think he's hot. If I've learned one thing on this board is that I would never settle for someone I don't find attractive in my next relationship. You just have to be sexually attracted to them for it to work for the long haul.

It's easy to trick yourself and say you ARE attracted to someone, especially if you have low self esteem. You may feel like no one else will want you. You say that sexual attraction fades over time and isn't it better to marry a nice guy, your best friend, than be alone? I mean, most marriages turn into friendship anyway. Right? It's easy to say and explain away. People make mistakes. Some people marry assholes, some people marry the nice guy who just isn't right for them.

[bowies]

I think jojo did a great job explaining it. Kuus did too in another post - that you never found a good enough reason to break up and suddenly there you are.

I was wildly attracted to my XH at first even though he looks like a thumb with hair. His personality overcame a lot. Our sex life faded a bit over time, but it essentially died after we moved in together. He emotionally withdrew from sex, which meant that I did too. I ended up marrying him even though I had zero desire for him anymore. I just felt like I was too far into the relationship to stop it, and we were great partners outside the bedroom. I told myself the typical lies so I could be married and have kids.

[Deleted]

Why do women marry assholes, abusers? Why do people do drugs? Etc, etc, etc... Same thing with people marrying people they are not attracted to. A lot of people might not understand but it happens everyday. Human psychology is way more complex than that. One could ask the reverse question: why did you marry this asshole hottie? It happens.

[Deleted]

I would say low self esteem in some cases. Or 'well, we look good as a couple', 'we have alot of phyiscal chemistry, he's attractive' 'This is what I could get, I just wanted to be with someone'

Sept 1, 2012 20:58:02 GMT -5 @landobiscuit said:

Why do women marry assholes, abusers? Why do people do drugs? Etc, etc, etc... Same thing with people marrying people they are not attracted to. A lot of people might not understand but it happens everyday. Human psychology is way more complex than that. One could ask the reverse question: why did you marry this asshole hottie? It happens.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 1, 2012 20:58:02 GMT -5 @landobiscuit said:

Why do women marry assholes, abusers? Why do people do drugs? Etc, etc, etc... Same thing with people marrying people they are not attracted to. A lot of people might not understand but it happens everyday. Human psychology is way more complex than that. One could ask the reverse question: why did you marry this asshole hottie? It happens.

:Y: :Y: Exactly. Marrying the asshole you were sexually attracted to isn't any better than marrying the nice guy you weren't attracted to. People make mistakes and convince themselves it will work out for a variety of reasons: low self esteem, Loneliness, society telling them where they SHOULD be, parental pressure, and so much more. It sucks, but it happens.

[bookworm]

Sept 1, 2012 16:09:53 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I've been wondering this too.

I get what PP's said about being lonely and settling but why would you do this to yourself? I can get going out on a date with someone that you aren't uber attracted to but to stay in the relationship and then marry them? That I don't get. It doesn't even have to be purely physical attraction. Lots of guys out there aren't super hotties but most of the time something about them is attractive.

You sound very judgmental. Why do people stay with someone who is abusive? It's a complex answer.

Obviously most of us have been through relationships that didn't last, and from the outside I'm sure many people would say, why did you stay with that person, but there is no simple answer.

[lookingup]

Sept 2, 2012 9:59:01 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Sept 1, 2012 20:58:02 GMT -5 @landobiscuit said:

Why do women marry assholes, abusers? Why do people do drugs? Etc, etc, etc... Same thing with people marrying people they are not attracted to. A lot of people might not understand but it happens everyday. Human psychology is way more complex than that. One could ask the reverse question: why did you marry this asshole hottie? It happens.

Exactly. Marrying the asshole you were sexually attracted to isn't any better than marrying the nice guy you weren't attracted to. People make mistakes and convince themselves it will work out for a variety of reasons: low self esteem, Loneliness, society telling them where they SHOULD be, parental pressure, and so much more. It sucks, but it happens.

I actually never thought about it this way.

[Deleted]

I was the girl who never had a date, who never had a boyfriend, no one was ever interested in me and i was 22 and wondered what the heck was wrong with me. Suddenly someone was interested in me, he had everything decent on paper and I feel in love with the idea of being in love. I was never really attracted to him, but attracted to being in a relationship. I had NOTHING else to base it off, so I just assumed this was how it was suppose to be.

I don't think most of us enter into these relationships and are like "ewww this guy makes my skin crawl and I'm going to marry him." It's like we probably always knew it wasn't right, but couldn't quite put our fingers on it, and eventually realize the issue is that we aren't attracted to him and that's an issue. Often by that time we feel like we're in too deep to make a change.

ETA: All of us have "done it wrong" in one way or another or we wouldn't be here. So I don't really think the tone of this post was necessary. A legit question sure, but thanks, I'm sure all of us who have been through this situation already feel shitty enough.

[Deleted]

pdx, I agree. The tone of this post is condesending. Not being attracted to someone physically doesn't mean the person they married is the epitome of ugly. Everyone here listed very good reasons why it happens. I am actually quite surprised GOZF asked the question. The process is pretty complex and I would bet millions of GBCN dollars that people who marry someone they are not attracted to is because so many other things seduced them first along with complex psychological issues like low-self esteem....

I think this question along with the justification of those who can't understand is as dumb as asking why can't alcoholic stop drinking so they wouldn't have a problem anymore. Captain obvious!

[jojoandleo]

Sept 2, 2012 11:58:05 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I was the girl who never had a date, who never had a boyfriend, no one was ever interested in me and i was 22 and wondered what the heck was wrong with me. Suddenly someone was interested in me, he had everything decent on paper and I feel in love with the idea of being in love. I was never really attracted to him, but attracted to being in a relationship. I had NOTHING else to base it off, so I just assumed this was how it was suppose to be.

I don't think most of us enter into these relationships and are like "ewww this guy makes my skin crawl and I'm going to marry him." It's like we probably always knew it wasn't right, but couldn't quite put our fingers on it, and eventually realize the issue is that we aren't attracted to him and that's an issue. Often by that time we feel like we're in too deep to make a change.

ETA: All of us have "done it wrong" in one way or another or we wouldn't be here. So I don't really think the tone of this post was necessary. A legit question sure, but thanks, I'm sure all of us who have been through this situation already feel shitty enough.

Absolutely do not feel bad. I do not think Gozf meant this in a condescending way, I think she legit does not get it. Some of the responses were out of line, I agree.

Relationships are hard, especially when you jump into one while you are still trying out figure out who YOU are. I was miserable with HS boyfriend for a good 2 years but had no "reason" to be. If he had proposed back then, I may have said yes because it would have been expected. My parents, his parents, our friends, hell we even WORKED together and my boss thought we were "perfect". It's hard to break something off when everyone tells you it is right. You think it must be you. It's not different than the hot asshole H who cheats on you and you pretend not to notice because it's too hard.

No one is better than anyone and no one has "done it wrong". We all have made mistakes and none of those mistakes are more legitimate than any other. Your true character shows in how you pick yourself up and move on, not what mistakes you made.

[Lauren88]

Sept 2, 2012 11:34:21 GMT -5 bookworm said:

Sept 1, 2012 16:09:53 GMT -5 Lauren88 said:

I've been wondering this too.

I get what PP's said about being lonely and settling but why would you do this to yourself? I can get going out on a date with someone that you aren't uber attracted to but to stay in the relationship and then marry them? That I don't get. It doesn't even have to be purely physical attraction. Lots of guys out there aren't super hotties but most of the time something about them is attractive.

You sound very judgmental. Why do people stay with someone who is abusive? It's a complex answer.

Obviously most of us have been through relationships that didn't last, and from the outside I'm sure many people would say, why did you stay with that person, but there is no simple answer.

Sorry if it came off as judgmental but I was just expressing my opinon and answering the questions gozf asked in the OP.

[Deleted]

Yea I totally think it's a legit question and am totally happy to talk it about. It just came across pretty judgmental. I mean trust me I ask myself everyday "what the heck was I thinking???" so I can totally understand those who haven't been there not getting it.

[jojoandleo]

Most of my relationships I wonder what I was thinking. I think being young and dumb and in love with the idea of love causes people to do a lot of stupid shit.

I think some of the responses here sucked, like, "I KNOW! How could anyone do that! I mean, sure, my ex was an asshole, but at least he was hot!" one isn't "better" than the other.

[gozf]

Oh, cool. We're back in a "GOZF is a condescending twat" cycle. I assure you, I'm not - and thanks to JoJo and others who know that.

I legitimately didnt understand, but a lot of these answers have helped. It's also important to remember that I'm kind of a pervy tramp, and I can find something sexually attractive in most people.

For the record, I was wildly attracted to my husband. But once we moved in together, the sex went away, and that was a huge problem. Sex is really important to me, hence my astonishment that some people married partners they weren't sexually attracted to. After reading this, I can see how it could happen, though.

[BookLover]

I've been attracted to different types of guys. The attraction dies off, I noticed, when the guy starts showing he has douche qualities. When that happens I then dump them. I can see someone who can be in that same situation, but they are so far into their feelings that they are avoiding the red flags, then when one more thing happens to push them over, it all kind of snowballs and they aren't attracted anymore.

I have known people who are just desperate to be in a relationship, they are just glad someone has come along at last, attracted to or not. It could be a good guy or a bad guy.

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2012 15:09:18 GMT -5 gozf said:

Oh, cool. We're back in a "GOZF is a condescending twat" cycle. I assure you, I'm not - and thanks to JoJo and others who know that.

I like you GOZF, but I think we all have our ways our buttons get pushed and this is one of mine. I feel stupid enough as it is marrying my husband so your wording just struck a bad chord with me. Believe me, I have no problem with you trying to understand or asking the question.

[gozf]

I like you too, pdx, and I wasn't even thinking of you with my post. I think my incredulity was more with the couple of folks who've posted recently about realizing that they were unhappy and never really in their marriages but proceeded to get pregnant and/or buy homes anyway. That, to me, really does not compute.

Clearly, we all made choices that weren't ultimately right that's why we're here.

[gozf]

Super young? That I understand. I wasn't super young when I married; I was 26. And sex with the ex was good! But he wasn't adventurous at all, and when I realized I was going down that road, he shut down. Believe me, I know how bad it feels when the sex isn't doing it for you, and I know the hurt of being turned down time and time again. I'm flummoxed by the idea of starting at that place. I just feel like relationships are such a crapshoot, because people are constantly changing and evolving it devolving. That's why I had trouble understanding settling on the aspect of attraction from the start.

[stephbfan]

I also started my relationship with my ex just as pdx describes. I had huge self esteem issues and he was the "safe" choice. In my mind it was kind of like, hey well, the world is full of assholes so I better stick with this boring dude than risk it to get hurt. I was somewhat attracted to him but I knew there was something missing.

Im glad he finally did things that made me actually re-think the whole relationship and ended up breaking up with him otherwise, I would be writing something like the posts we are talking about.

Every time someone asks me what I saw in my ex, I cannot say what it was.