Lurker coming out to say that I understand how you can normalize behavior like this. My XH did this constantly - non-responsive to texts or calls for hours, and then would come back at 1 or 2 am or so with a casual, "Oh, I was just having drinks and lost track of time!" The tone in your H's text and your fear that you're overreacting are so familiar to me. When I got upset, he would then make me feel like I was overreacting, or I was just being pathetic at home waiting for him, or that he didn't understand why we couldn't have separate social lives. I realize now that he was manipulating the fact that having independent social lives was always important to me, and that I did think it was okay for us both to stay out late drinking with friends, which made me think that I should just be "cool" with his behavior.
In the end, he was having an affair - but even if he hadn't been, the behavior was still problematic. It wasn't about whether or not he was staying out late or not, or whether we should have social lives outside of each other, or about getting drunk with friends, it was about him not prioritizing me and our relationship. It was that yes, while I would go out late with my friends as well, I would never have done so without letting him know what I was doing. It would not have slipped my mind time and time again to "forget" to text or call him, because I wouldn't have wanted him to worry. He would try to make it seem like his forgetting was a minor detail, but it was really a symptom of a larger problem where I was not a priority in his life, and that my feelings were low on the list of things he thought about.
I guess I just wanted to say that I get why everyone else is saying that it's obvious that something is up with him, affair or not. In retrospect, I can also see that it was painfully obvious that something wasn't right in my relationship. But i can also see why when you're in it, it's hard to see that, because people like that manipulate your feelings to justify their own behavior, and make it about you when it is really about them. I hope you're able to change things going forward.
Things are open here, and yeah, all these other guys with good jobs and/or wives and kids also stay out crazy late? Last night it seems he and one friend stayed at the bar until 1ish, then got food till 2, then H went back to his office to get his bike, did some work while sobering up, then came home.
Lololol. K.
What? I do some of my best work with a slight buzz...and a little Swiss Miss is all I need at the end of the evening to really make things right....get it? SWISS MISS *wink*
What? I do some of my best work with a slight buzz...and a little Swiss Miss is all I need at the end of the evening to really make things right....get it? SWISS MISS *wink*
Oh, yeah.. I totally go to my office at 2 in the morning while drunk to do some sober-up work.
My friend's husband has been doing his crap for 15 years. Sometimes he misses taking the kids trick or treating. Sometimes he just misses dinner and bedtime on a Wednesday but it never changes. You're willing to live with this level of disrespect or you aren't. FIFTEEN YEARS.
She is not complaining or worrying he is out having an affair, but only about answering her texts. He's rude and I don't know how you can give a shit about whether he makes it home when he doesn't have the manners to let you know when he intends to get home. Hot chocolate my ass.
Umm...yeah...don't put this on her. Like, at all. She didn't LET anything happen. This is his doing.
I am so tired of all these man issues being blamed on the woman. Seriously. Fuck this shit.
well it's not her fault he does it, but you either set boundaries or you believe your grown ass husband is drinking hot chocolate at 3am.
Sounds like she did set boundaries and he doesn't give a fuck about those boundaries. So, is she supposed to tie him up? Not allow him to leave, ever? Still not hereceived fault he doesn't respect the boundaries she laid out.
Umm...yeah...don't put this on her. Like, at all. She didn't LET anything happen. This is his doing.
I am so tired of all these man issues being blamed on the woman. Seriously. Fuck this shit.
I'm sorry, but no.
No one is blaming her for HIS actions. The fact is she has allowed this to continue for 15 years.
You teach people how to treat you.
She has taught him that his continual disrespect is acceptable, even though she's putting her life goals on hold because of it.
Oh please, he is not a fucking baby. She said she laid down rules and boundaries and clearly he doesn't give a fuck about those boundaries. Wtf, that anyone is blaming her. HE is the asshole.
She has a decision to make about leaving or not but in the context of this one particular post, think it is very unfair to put this on her.
well it's not her fault he does it, but you either set boundaries or you believe your grown ass husband is drinking hot chocolate at 3am.
Sounds like she did set boundaries and he doesn't give a fuck about those boundaries. So, is she supposed to tie him up? Not allow him to leave, ever? Still not hereceived fault he doesn't respect the boundaries she laid out.
I think the point is that she can leave him. Not that she is responsible for his actions, but that she has the power to control how much of her life he impacts (by deciding to stay or go).
No one is blaming her for his actions -- I think the intent is to empower her to make changes that free her from the influence of his evident inability (and lack of desire) to be the man she needs in order to have the type of life she wants.
[Eta: lol I wrote a response and then put my phone down, and had scrolled and thought I lost it and typed a new one. That's why there are 2 paragraphs saying the same thing, lol. I'm keeping them both anyway.]
No one is blaming her for HIS actions. The fact is she has allowed this to continue for 15 years.
You teach people how to treat you.
She has taught him that his continual disrespect is acceptable, even though she's putting her life goals on hold because of it.
Oh please, he is not a fucking baby. She said she laid down rules and boundaries and clearly he doesn't give a fuck about those boundaries. Wtf, that anyone is blaming her. HE is the asshole.
She has a decision to make about leaving or not but in the context of this one particular post, think it is very unfair to put this on her.
Okay. Once again, no one is blaming her for his shitty behavior.
She can only control how she responds. The surest way to misery is banking your happiness on another's actions. He has made it clear that he cares nothing for her feelings here. So, now the ball is in her court. Will she continue to allow him to disrespect her, or will she take control and pursue the life she deserves?
Sounds like she did set boundaries and he doesn't give a fuck about those boundaries. So, is she supposed to tie him up? Not allow him to leave, ever? Still not hereceived fault he doesn't respect the boundaries she laid out.
I think the point is that she can leave him. Not that she is responsible for his actions, but that she has the power to control how much of her life he impacts (by deciding to stay or go).
No one is blaming her for his actions -- I think the intent is to empower her to make changes that free her from the influence of his evident inability (and lack of desire) to be the man she needs in order to have the type of life she wants.
I get you. I do. That post, just that particular post, really rubbed me the wrong way. I get the overall situation and as somebody who has been in this situation it is close to me.
I really wish her the best. It is not easy to leave and I know with me, he would pull shit like this, apologize, then be awesome for 6 months. Rinse and repeat. Everything else was good and it is hard to reconcile if that is enough to leave when everything else in the relationship is good, so it isn't just black and white. That's all.
I get you. I do. That post, just that particular post, really rubbed me the wrong way. I get the overall situation and as somebody who has been in this situation it is close to me.
I really wish her the best. It is not easy to leave and I know with me, he would pull shit like this, apologize, then be awesome for 6 months. Rinse and repeat. Everything else was good and it is hard to reconcile if that is enough to leave when everything else in the relationship is good, so it isn't just black and white. That's all.
I'm not getting the impression everything else is good here, she's putting off children and buying a home.
And to that point, I think there is tough love happening. Like, to say in one breath that it's not enough to leave or give an ultimatum, but in another breath that you are putting off major life desires/goals? I think it's understandable to hear some "how long are you going to let him hold your future hostage?" type responses.
I get you. I do. That post, just that particular post, really rubbed me the wrong way. I get the overall situation and as somebody who has been in this situation it is close to me.
I really wish her the best. It is not easy to leave and I know with me, he would pull shit like this, apologize, then be awesome for 6 months. Rinse and repeat. Everything else was good and it is hard to reconcile if that is enough to leave when everything else in the relationship is good, so it isn't just black and white. That's all.
I'm not getting the impression everything else is good here, she's putting off children and buying a home.
I wasn't talking about her, just given my experience/example why it was hard to leave. Okay, Mofucko!
I posted this in the wrong post last night. LOL. But anyhow...
Screw it - I'm throwing in my anecdote.
When DH went to law school, I moved with him. This happened a few times - his going out really late w/o letting me know when he'd be home/ that he'd be late. I didn't care that he was going out- have at it. But LET ME KNOW where you are/ if you'll be late, etc.
After 3 or 4 times of me waking at 1 am and having no idea where he is and getting upset (and HAVING TO WORK THE NEXT DAY!), he finally got it. He was afraid he'd wake me up. I told him that I'm going to wake up at some point anyhow. Might as well wake me up, tell me where you are, and then I can fall back to sleep.
But here's the catch - this was 20 years ago, when cellphones were in their infancy and I had a "bag phone" in my car and that was it. If he could go find a PAYPHONE to call me to update me, there is no fucking excuse these days for people not doing the simple, courteous thing of at least sending a TEXT to say "Hey- I'm at ___ and I"ll be home by ___".
The fact that THESE DAYS, people lack this simple level of respect, it kind of floors me, TBH. There is truly NO excuse for it AT ALL.
Post by pinkiepromise on May 1, 2016 11:38:30 GMT -5
We all have different ideas of what would be our "breaking point" in our relationships. For you, this doesn't appear to be one of them. Have you discussed with him that you would like to settle down, start a family, buy a house, etc? Is he on the same page? (Based on how you describe his behavior it doesn't appear that way.)
I do believe his story is odd - it's comes off as if he is avoiding coming home. Why not come home after going out to eat or grabbing his bike? Why stay at the office to "work"?
If CTJ talks are not working - maybe therapy will help you to get your issues straightened out.