Angry While Female

[elleblue]

Why it matters that Beyonce, Kelly Ripa and Samantha Bee won't hide their outrage


It's tough to imagine Beyoncé, Kelly Ripa and Mary Pat Christie hanging out over mix tapes and Chardonnay, but all three recently revealed one common characteristic: the willingness to be angry in public while female.

They join a small but growing group of women, currently best symbolized by “Full Frontal’s” Samantha Bee, who increasingly reject the time-honored dictate that women must swallow their rage or cloak it in self-deprecating humor and/or apology to avoid being characterized as hysterical or crazy.

These women are angry, and they are no longer afraid to show it.


After blowing up halftime at this year’s Super Bowl with militaristic directness, Beyoncé surprise-dropped her album and companion film “Lemonade” on Saturday. Shattering car windows, artistic conventions and whatever divisions still exist between music, literature, film and television, Beyoncé walked us through the fury of betrayal. Scorched earth and dark hearts haven’t been this exquisitely evoked since “Apocalypse Now.”

Christie, meanwhile, managed to speak volumes with a single reflexive shift in expression.

Standing beside her husband, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, as they listened to Donald Trump celebrate his five-state primary sweep Tuesday night, the Garden State’s first lady reacted to Trump’s assertion that Hillary Clinton was “playing the woman’s card” with what may be the presidential campaign’s most significant irritated eye roll.

But it was Ripa who sparked a direct conversation about the issue of anger itself. Last week, after she was blindsided by the announcement that her co-host, Michael Strahan, was leaving “Live With Kelly & Michael” for an expanded role at “Good Morning America,” Ripa decided to take a few unscheduled days off. The immediate criticism of her “crazy” “meltdown” reaction and “diva-like” behavior was met with a backlash just as fast and even more furious. Like Ann Curry (unceremoniously pushed out as “Today” show co-host in 2012) and MSNBC’s Melissa Harris Perry (who told her staff she would not be used as “a token, mammy or little brown bobble head” for the network’s election coverage after her show was preempted without discussion), Ripa was seen by many as yet another woman being kept out of the loop of her own career by male bosses and colleagues. She had every right to be angry.

Kelly Ripa's first day back at 'Live' after time off "to gain perspective."
Why, asked thousands of Twitter and Facebook users, can’t a woman be outraged without being labeled a diva?

Anger, as we have been told ad nauseam during this election cycle, is the driving force of American discourse, the bond that unites supporters of billionaire dabbler Trump with the earnest progressives behind Sen. Bernie Sanders. It fuels our commentary, our comedy, our drama, our love of social media. At worst, we have become a nation of venters, easily provoked and quick to condemn.

At best, this time of rage reveals the gap between American desire and American reality. Historically, anger is the tinder of protest, often the only path to reform.

For women, though, it’s a bit trickier, as all those “angry feminists” can attest. As clashing reactions to Ripa and far too many studies reveal, women are still often penalized for getting angry, even when anger is the appropriate reaction to the situation.

During the recent #Oscarssowhite controversy, for example, both Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they would not be attending the ceremony. But it was Pinkett Smith who became, and remained, the butt of angry jokes, many of which boiled down to “..., who said you were even invited?”

The b-word, of course, is cited in study after study about the different perceptions of male and female anger: Where men are considered “firm,” women are seen as “controlling” and worse.

As Ripa discovered, women who react when provoked are still often accused of seeming “crazy” (which, with its evocations of a time when women could be committed to an asylum for rebelling against their husbands or fathers, is in itself a provocation).

“Jealous or crazy,” Beyoncé sings over and over again in “Lemonade’s” “Hold Up,” blurring the words synonymous before deciding: “More like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately / I’d rather be crazy.”

Some of it is a simple question of volume: Men shout in righteous rage, but women who raise their voices are still often seen as losing control or, heaven forbid, “shrill.”

As Hillary Clinton and Carly Fiorina found during the presidential debates, a woman who talks over a man will be instantly chastised for interrupting, even if she is attempting to answer a direct question, even if she has been interrupted first.

When Clinton answered Trump’s woman-card charge by saying, in a campaign trail speech, that if it meant she supported things like equal pay and childcare, then “deal me in.” Trump responded by simply accusing her of “shouting.”

Openly angry women have occasionally managed to break through in comedy and music — remember when Alanis Morissette’s Morrisette’s “Jagged Little Pill” caused a collective pop-culture stroke? Even so, women who direct their rage outward — Roseanne Barr, Margaret Cho — were inevitably considered more “controversial” than their more self-deprecating sisters; Sarah Silverman is regularly called out for having a “potty mouth,” an industry standard for her male colleagues.

Despite, or perhaps because of, all the negative connotations, the swearing and the shouting have grown louder and far more direct in recent years.

Melissa McCarthy regularly uses her seemingly sweet mien as comedic cover for her ability to unleash monologues of endless and often violently profane wrath. Amy Schumer’s character on her Comedy Central show may often seem inane and oblivious, but her sketches are pointedly political and deeply furious.

And few things are funnier than Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Selina Meyer in high dudgeon.

“I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club,” she said in the season premiere of “Veep.” (Selina may be a narcissist, but she’s not always wrong.)

But it’s late-night’s only female host who has taken things to a new level. With a penchant for operatic crescendo and the blazer-wearing strut of a revivalist preacher, “Full Frontal’s” Bee gleefully follows Cynthia Ozick’s famous dictum: “When saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better.”

Whether interviewing a man wrongly imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, slamming those who criticized the decision to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, or calling out conservative politicians who oppose abortion, birth control and the distribution of diapers, Bee likes her sarcasm 100 proof, and sometimes the party gets loud.

“Oh my God, conservatives,” she said, her voice sliding high and low, “make up your mind about poor babies. We thought you wanted them to be born. Why else would you oppose free contraception, wage jihad against Planned Parenthood, fight the FDA on Plan B and make abortion as unobtainable as a ticket to ‘Hamilton’? Well, like it or not, there are a lot of poor babies.”

It’s a far cry from Jon Stewart’s sardonic bemusement or Stephen Colbert’s satiric obliviousness: Bee is ticked off about a lot of things, and she is more than happy to explain why.

And so are Beyoncé, Ripa and an increasing number of women (though as of press time, Mary Pat Christie had not commented on the viral nature of her eye roll). When she returned to “Live,” Ripa addressed the issue directly, saying that apologies had been made and, more important, that the incident had begun a larger conversation about “communication, consideration and most importantly respect in the workplace.”

But first she joked that she imagined SWAT teams were stationed in the studio, ready to take her down with tranquilizer darts if she went “off message.”

Clearly, the woman is still more than a little ticked off.

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[aurora]

The only thing I don't like about this one is that at first I read the title as "Angry whiTe female" and was confused by the intro paragraph. Then I learned how to read and the rest was great.

[mrsukyankee]

I can't tell you how many females I work with who have such an issue with the potential of making someone else feel badly, even at their own expense, and that includes getting rightly angry with someone. I want more women to feel they can get angry when it's justified. It's HEALTHY and necessary for good relationships.

[stealthmom]

YES.

it's so unacceptable for women to be angry about things that they should be angry about. That is how I was raised and that continues to be the societal standard. It's infuriating.

[Deleted]

I think you know how I feel about this issue.

[rosiebear]

Maybe it is cultural, but I was definitely taught to stay in my lane, not make waves, and not get angry or seem bitchy. Not to other women and especially not to men. A big part of it was "respecting authority," and I was certainly not expected to be part of the authority.

It's still a struggle and we can see it play out even among the most actually powerful, authoritative women in the world. Anyone remember W massaging Angela Merkel's shoulders?

[Deleted]

May 5, 2016 7:17:53 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

May 5, 2016 2:33:03 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

YES.

it's so unacceptable for women to be angry about things that they should be angry about. That is how I was raised and that continues to be the societal standard. It's infuriating.

My other black lady sisters can weigh in but I was not taught this. This may be cultural to some degree. My parents never ever told me my default should be nice. None of the women in my family have that default button. I have seen them use their tongues to rip people to shreds without breaking a sweat. Yes the ABW thing is a thing but avoiding that label still didnt mean default to being a pushover.

I think it may be at least partly cultural. Just 18 months ago, my mom was still telling me I "can come on strong" when I wasn't taking my BIL's shit at Christmas. I got called bossy and pushy and all those things as a kid.

[eclaires]

I found myself being really appeasing and conciliatory over something super annoying related to PTA this week and I was ashamed of myself. LIKE WHY AM I ACCEPTING THIS BULLSHIT?

Luckily my partner apparently has no fucks to give and was much sterner.

[turnipthebeet]

I could rant for days about this shit. I deal with it constantly at my job.

[stealthmom]

May 5, 2016 7:17:53 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

May 5, 2016 2:33:03 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

YES.

it's so unacceptable for women to be angry about things that they should be angry about. That is how I was raised and that continues to be the societal standard. It's infuriating.

My other black lady sisters can weigh in but I was not taught this. This may be cultural to some degree. My parents never ever told me my default should be nice. None of the women in my family have that default button. I have seen them use their tongues to rip people to shreds without breaking a sweat. Yes the ABW thing is a thing but avoiding that label still didnt mean default to being a pushover.

probably. My mom's line was, "nice,little girls don't say/do that"

[josieposy]

I tend to err on the side of "polite but assertive."

[mrsukyankee]

I grew up with a mouse of a mother and learned to be quiet (I also had social anxiety which fed into it). The one good thing I got from my ExFi was how to fight back. He was from an Italian-Irish family who used yelling as a communication tool. It scared the bejeesus out of me until I figured it out. And from that point forward, I was much better at stating my mind, sometimes to my detriment (people at some workplaces did not like it). I'll now stand up for my beliefs and needs.

[Deleted]

I love nothing more than the deer-in-the-headlights look I get from men who didn't expect me to voice my disagreement ranging up to frustration.

Not today, sir. Not ever.

[calamity]

The older I get the more I am embracing my anger rather than shoving it deep down.
(That doesn't work BTW, it just comes out in other ways)

[cayl]

My parents never taught me this, though they were big on respect for authority (but that goes for my brother as well). But after reading this and thinking about it, I realized how much this has impacted my career. My first job out of college I was really good at and was constantly being given more responsibility, but my boss (the owner, it was a small company) and I butted heads constantly. He definitely thought women should be seen but not heard, and he didn't value my input and didn't like or understand my frustration. In my second job I had bosses in each of my different roles who appreciated how vocal I was and value my input, but my coworkers didn't and I was branded a bitch. A man who keeps his head down, doesn't participate in the gossip, and does his job well would be considered a hard worker, but because I wasn't standing around discussing who was sleeping with who and was instead doing my job, I was a snob and bitchy. I'm at a new company now, and was at a national meeting my 3rd month in and was very vocal with suggestions because no one else was speaking up, and I said to my boss afterwards that if I ever am too vocal or assertive to please let me know, and he said that he hired me because he heard (from an old coworker) that I'm not afraid to speak up and have a lot of good ideas, and he wants to hear them. He said he can't promise we'll always do what I suggest, but he wants to hear my thoughts. Another coworker came up to me later on and said he was impressed with my input, especially since I hadn't been there for very long. This is the first job where I feel like I don't have to act a certain way or play games to get along just because I'm a woman. It's such bullshit.

[DesertMoon]

"Act like a lady"
"That's not ladylike"
"

I can't tell you how man times I was told that growing up. I'm allowed to be an angry lady without be called a bitch or a psycho. If standing up for yourself isn't lady like then I'm not a lady.

My daughter is 19 months and a force, she is definitely the strongest personality in the house even though she's non verbal still, I don't plan on dampening that one bit.

[laurenpetro]

May 5, 2016 7:17:53 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

May 5, 2016 2:33:03 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

YES.

it's so unacceptable for women to be angry about things that they should be angry about. That is how I was raised and that continues to be the societal standard. It's infuriating.

My other black lady sisters can weigh in but I was not taught this. This may be cultural to some degree. My parents never ever told me my default should be nice. None of the women in my family have that default button. I have seen them use their tongues to rip people to shreds without breaking a sweat. Yes the ABW thing is a thing but avoiding that label still didnt mean default to being a pushover.

I think this is the upside to my parents divorcing when they did (they split when I was 13-ish?) my mom was angry. really, really angry. she'd been taught to be the "good little girl" her whole life and she taught me not to take shit from anyone. the difference between my sister and I is pretty astounding, or at least it used to be.  the older she gets the less fucks she gives about things. 

I'm fairly certain it works to my detriment in many situations but I just don't care.

[jojoandleo]

I think you can all imagine the number of times in a day I am told to "calm down." "Why are you yelling?" "OMG, it's not THAT big of a deal!" ALL things that WILL GET ME YELLING! IF YOU THOUGHT THAT WASN'T CALM/THAT WAS YELLING, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING!

I was often called, "spirited" and "strong willed" as a child. My mom never necessarily told me not to have an opinion, but I was told to voice it "correctly." Obviously that shit didn't stick.

[2curlydogs]

Yesterday in my meeting with my manager he told me not to take it so personally.


I didn't even raise my voice. I was calm, but I was defending myself and explaining the situation. But I really wanted to scream "IT IS PERSONAL. PEOPLE ARE UNFAIRLY ACCUSING ME OF NOT DOING MY JOB CORRECTLY. I WAS ON A FUCKING PLANE WITH NO CELLULAR SERVICE AND BUSTED-ASS WIFI. HOW EXACTLY WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THEIR TEXT MESSAGES?!@??!??"

And I LIKE my manager. He's a nice guy. We get along well. But I don't think he even realized he was using coded language.

[thejackpot]

I agree with 1234FIF!, I wasn't forced to be "nice" my parents were big on me sticking up for myself and knowing my worth. I was the girl who let people know not to mess with me or my sister either. So as an adult that has made me very comfortable standing my ground and calmly but sternly letting people know how I feel. I do think it is especially problematic for WOC because the angry black woman stereotype is so rampant.

[andwhat]

May 5, 2016 7:17:53 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

May 5, 2016 2:33:03 GMT -5 stealthmom said:

YES.

it's so unacceptable for women to be angry about things that they should be angry about. That is how I was raised and that continues to be the societal standard. It's infuriating.

My other black lady sisters can weigh in but I was not taught this. This may be cultural to some degree. My parents never ever told me my default should be nice. None of the women in my family have that default button. I have seen them use their tongues to rip people to shreds without breaking a sweat. Yes the ABW thing is a thing but avoiding that label still didnt mean default to being a pushover.

My parents taught me to always speak up for myself. When I was in 2nd grade I would have my mom set up parent teacher conferences so I could talk to the teacher. She wouldn't say anything.

But my dad did caution me about speaking up for other people's issues in the workplace. Because I would be seen negatively and they would benefit from it. And it was usually white women who would try to get me to be the "angry" woman while they would sit back looking all innocent.

I deal with this all the time. Having natural hair doesn't help the perception either.

[cville]

My mother is always on my side, but my entire life she told me I was "caustic" when upset. Damn right I'm caustic when you're fucking up. One year I put a can of Comet cleanser in her stocking as a joke.

There's nothing wrong with being diplomatic and politic in business conversation, but when push comes to shove I am not going to calm down, relax, let it roll off, stop taking it personally, regroup, or otherwise tamp down my well informed, educated opinion.

Fuck that.