Ugh, dude drama.

[lookingup]

So the guy I posted about in GOZF's thread is giving me drama. It sucks, because I really did think he was great and I enjoyed hanging out with him. Since the Friday before last when I told him that there would never be anything romantic between us, things are different. I knew this would happen, but I guess I'm just disappointed because I thought he was really a nice guy. Example:

Friend: "I wanted to be respectful of where you were at (talking about not making a move on me when he "should" have), but regrets are still on my part considering how much I just enjoyed being around you and enjoyed your company."

Me: "We can still hang out; nothing has to change. I enjoyed your company too."

Friend: "And I would like that, but knowing me, I would not be as nice or attentive as I was, which sucks to be honest."


So I guess my feelings were right in that he was only being so nice in hopes to date me, even though I made it crystal clear from the very beginning that all I could offer him was friendship. This means he's really a douche, right?

[lookingup]

Sept 3, 2012 13:43:22 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

I doubt he is a total douche if you previously enjoyed his company and thought he was a good person. He likely thought you might change your mind. You just rejected him... he probably is sad.

If don't know why you think it's odd that things are different... he had his hopes up and you shot them down. He probably won't be as nice or attentive to you ... I don't think this is that suprising? Generally men are nice and attentive to women in hopes to have sex with them. When that gets shot down they move on

I guess it just bothers me because I feel like he didn't believe me when I said I didn't want a relationship. He also would talk about not knowing how many guys he's "competing" with, or not knowing whether some guy friends of mine were "competition." He was fun to hang out with when he would just chill and we could talk about things other than relationship potential.

Like I said, I think I knew it from the get-go, but I'm disappointed that it turns out he's just another guy who can't respect the fact that I want to be friends only.

[lookingup]

Yeah, that's the thing. I'm not attracted to him. I'm not repulsed by him at all, but if we've been hanging out for a few months now and I'm not even compelled to make out with him, that's never going to be there.

[Deleted]

I think you are being way too hard on this dude and honestly rather insensitive to his feelings. I'm guessing that despite what you said, he still thought he had a chance because you guys got along so well and it sounds like hung out frequently. I can't blame him for not being able to be your friend. That would be really hard if you had feelings for someone and tried to be just their friend.

[stephbfan]

I really don't see anything weird in his reaction. I mean he was just there hoping you changed your mind. Dumb? probably but that doesn't mean he is a douche.

I tend to be nice and chatty with everyone but I am definitely not the same with someone that is only my friend than with someone that I am interested in. He got his heart broken so he must be sad.

[lookingup]

Sept 3, 2012 14:30:36 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I think you are being way too hard on this dude and honestly rather insensitive to his feelings. I'm guessing that despite what you said, he still thought he had a chance because you guys got along so well and it sounds like hung out frequently. I can't blame him for not being able to be your friend. That would be really hard if you had feelings for someone and tried to be just their friend.

Thanks for this. This is why I posted here, honestly. I'm still dealing with my divorce and all of the feelings that entails, and I really don't know if I'm just being cold. I guess I'm projecting a lot of feelings I had towards my H and that whole situation onto this guy, and that sucks.

Again, just further proof that I'm not ready for a relationship. But maybe I can talk to him about it with more empathy.

[lookingup]

I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to be vulnerable to someone. I started building this wall up from H several years ago, and last August when I finally decided it was over, it was because he said something that hurt me so deeply that I knew I would never make myself emotionally vulnerable to him again. I haven't opened myself to anyone since.

So how do I approach this now? Is there anything I can say, or do I just give it time as dynamoo suggested?

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 14:52:33 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Sept 3, 2012 14:30:36 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I think you are being way too hard on this dude and honestly rather insensitive to his feelings. I'm guessing that despite what you said, he still thought he had a chance because you guys got along so well and it sounds like hung out frequently. I can't blame him for not being able to be your friend. That would be really hard if you had feelings for someone and tried to be just their friend.

Thanks for this. This is why I posted here, honestly. I'm still dealing with my divorce and all of the feelings that entails, and I really don't know if I'm just being cold. I guess I'm projecting a lot of feelings I had towards my H and that whole situation onto this guy, and that sucks.

Again, just further proof that I'm not ready for a relationship. But maybe I can talk to him about it with more empathy.

Honestly, having been in a somewhat similar situation, although I was the friend with feelings and we were physically involved, I'd stop talking to him about it. Anything you say at this point is just going to make it worse. You're friendship is likely to be very different, because he's going to be much more guarded and working to get over you. Give him space and time and he might come back around and he might not.

[Deleted]

Also were you clear in the beginning that you weren't interested in a relationship with him specially from the start, or just in general? Because I think this is where a lot of the confusion on his end might be. He didn't realize it was "him" he thought it was just a place you were at in life. He likely thought you were interested in him, but not a relationship and thought if he stuck around long enough and took it slow it could work out.

[lookingup]

I never told him I wasn't attracted to him; I would never say something like that to someone. I think I was interested in him because he is such a good guy, and I just continued to nurture the friendship, waiting to see if a physical attraction would grow. It didn't happen and I don't feel like it's going to, so rather than go on as we were with him waiting in the wings and hoping, I decided to let him down in the nicest way I knew how.

And he's the one who keeps bringing it up. I guess I'll just let him get in touch with me if he wants to.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 15:47:30 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I never told him I wasn't attracted to him; I would never say something like that to someone. I think I was interested in him because he is such a good guy, and I just continued to nurture the friendship, waiting to see if a physical attraction would grow. It didn't happen and I don't feel like it's going to, so rather than go on as we were with him waiting in the wings and hoping, I decided to let him down in the nicest way I knew how.

And he's the one who keeps bringing it up. I guess I'll just let him get in touch with me if he wants to.

So essentially you led him on and are confused why he's upset? He's not the douche in this situation...

[lookingup]

Sept 3, 2012 16:01:01 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 3, 2012 15:47:30 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I never told him I wasn't attracted to him; I would never say something like that to someone. I think I was interested in him because he is such a good guy, and I just continued to nurture the friendship, waiting to see if a physical attraction would grow. It didn't happen and I don't feel like it's going to, so rather than go on as we were with him waiting in the wings and hoping, I decided to let him down in the nicest way I knew how.

And he's the one who keeps bringing it up. I guess I'll just let him get in touch with me if he wants to.

So essentially you led him on and are confused why he's upset? He's not the douche in this situation...

Is it really leading him on if I was never anything more than friendly with him? I don't get it. I told him from the very beginning that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I never said or did anything to indicate otherwise.

I'm really just trying to understand. I haven't said anything hurtful to him, and I don't feel that I've done anything wrong. I don't see where anything I've said or done calls for this type of response.

ETA: I know it's impossible for you to know our entire relationship dynamic based solely on what I've said in these few posts. If you think I've made a mistake, it would be more productive to show me what I did wrong and tell me what to do differently, no?

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 16:06:50 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Sept 3, 2012 16:01:01 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

So essentially you led him on and are confused why he's upset? He's not the douche in this situation...

Is it really leading him on if I was never anything more than friendly with him? I don't get it. I told him from the very beginning that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I never said or did anything to indicate otherwise.

I'm really just trying to understand. I haven't said anything hurtful to him, and I don't feel that I've done anything wrong. I don't see where anything I've said or done calls for this type of response.

The minute you realized he had feelings for you, you needed to clearly articulate "I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend." And if he continued with the talk about "competition" you needed to back off the frequency of hanging out with him/contacting him.

You mention you were "waiting to see if a physical attraction developed" so 1. You're mention of not wanting a relationship isn't exactly true. 2. Most likely you didn't treat him exactly as you would a guy who was just a friend. It's not cool to make someone "wait" until you are attracted to them.

[lookingup]

Sept 3, 2012 16:20:47 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 3, 2012 16:06:50 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Is it really leading him on if I was never anything more than friendly with him? I don't get it. I told him from the very beginning that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and I never said or did anything to indicate otherwise.

I'm really just trying to understand. I haven't said anything hurtful to him, and I don't feel that I've done anything wrong. I don't see where anything I've said or done calls for this type of response.

The minute you realized he had feelings for you, you needed to clearly articulate "I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend." And if he continued with the talk about "competition" you needed to back off the frequency of hanging out with him/contacting him.

You mention you were "waiting to see if a physical attraction developed" so 1. You're mention of not wanting a relationship isn't exactly true. 2. Most likely you didn't treat him exactly as you would a guy who was just a friend. It's not cool to make someone "wait" until you are attracted to them.

Thank you. I guess I just didn't feel like I was making him wait. I really thought I was giving it a chance, and I thought that was better than shooting anything down from the beginning. That's why I'm asking. I've never been in that situation before, with a really great guy to whom I'm just not physically attracted.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 16:30:04 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Sept 3, 2012 16:20:47 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

The minute you realized he had feelings for you, you needed to clearly articulate "I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend." And if he continued with the talk about "competition" you needed to back off the frequency of hanging out with him/contacting him.

You mention you were "waiting to see if a physical attraction developed" so 1. You're mention of not wanting a relationship isn't exactly true. 2. Most likely you didn't treat him exactly as you would a guy who was just a friend. It's not cool to make someone "wait" until you are attracted to them.

Thank you. I guess I just didn't feel like I was making him wait. I really thought I was giving it a chance, and I thought that was better than shooting anything down from the beginning. That's why I'm asking. I've never been in that situation before, with a really great guy to whom I'm just not physically attracted.

I think the main issue I have is not that you ended up not wanting to date him, but that you come in here and talk about how he is a "douche" and paint him to be the bad guy.

[lookingup]

I can see how I came off as bitchy. I was annoyed and (wrongly) associating this entire situation with STBXH. I'm glad you called me out on it, but I didn't convey my annoyance to him. I came here to vent and get others' perspectives. I really do appreciate all of the responses.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 16:59:28 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I can see how I came off as bitchy. I was annoyed and (wrongly) associating this entire situation with STBXH. I'm glad you called me out on it, but I didn't convey my annoyance to him. I came here to vent and get others' perspectives. I really do appreciate all of the responses.

I'm glad it helped!

[lookingup]

Sept 3, 2012 19:24:26 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Sept 3, 2012 16:59:28 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I can see how I came off as bitchy. I was annoyed and (wrongly) associating this entire situation with STBXH. I'm glad you called me out on it, but I didn't convey my annoyance to him. I came here to vent and get others' perspectives. I really do appreciate all of the responses.

Have you gone to counseling or read any books about moving on after your divorce? Are you even divorced if he is your soon to be ex? You need to be able to leave the past in the past and not project things from your ex onto your new relationship. It will take a long time but it's better to be single than bring baggage from an old relationship into a new one.

I haven't been to counseling; I just continue to put it off. I've been separated since the end of December, and my H assaulted me two months later at the end of February. We will be filing in just a few months when he comes back from deployment.

I know I still have a lot to work on. I'm not trying to be anything but single right now. I don't think I told my friend about the assault, but I talked to him about some of the ins and outs of my marriage and said I just needed to be single for a long while. I think this is mostly the reason that it just rubbed me the wrong way how strongly he continued to come off.

It was my mistake to try to continue to be his friend when we were clearly on two different pages. I just really wanted to believe him when he said he understood where I was coming from.

That being said, do you have any book recs?

[stephbfan]

Sept 4, 2012 8:24:28 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Sept 3, 2012 19:24:26 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Have you gone to counseling or read any books about moving on after your divorce? Are you even divorced if he is your soon to be ex? You need to be able to leave the past in the past and not project things from your ex onto your new relationship. It will take a long time but it's better to be single than bring baggage from an old relationship into a new one.

I haven't been to counseling; I just continue to put it off. I've been separated since the end of December, and my H assaulted me two months later at the end of February. We will be filing in just a few months when he comes back from deployment.

I know I still have a lot to work on. I'm not trying to be anything but single right now. I don't think I told my friend about the assault, but I talked to him about some of the ins and outs of my marriage and said I just needed to be single for a long while. I think this is mostly the reason that it just rubbed me the wrong way how strongly he continued to come off.

It was my mistake to try to continue to be his friend when we were clearly on two different pages. I just really wanted to believe him when he said he understood where I was coming from.

That being said, do you have any book recs?

I really don't see anything wrong with what you did. Leading him on would be telling you actually wanted to be in a relationship and how much you like him.

Sometimes, you do wait a little longer to see if attraction builds up. You were honest and told him just that.

Some of my guy friends have been people that started just like you are describing but we were able to go pass that and have amazing friendships now.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 4, 2012 9:00:45 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

Sept 4, 2012 8:24:28 GMT -5 lookingup said:

I haven't been to counseling; I just continue to put it off. I've been separated since the end of December, and my H assaulted me two months later at the end of February. We will be filing in just a few months when he comes back from deployment.

I know I still have a lot to work on. I'm not trying to be anything but single right now. I don't think I told my friend about the assault, but I talked to him about some of the ins and outs of my marriage and said I just needed to be single for a long while. I think this is mostly the reason that it just rubbed me the wrong way how strongly he continued to come off.

It was my mistake to try to continue to be his friend when we were clearly on two different pages. I just really wanted to believe him when he said he understood where I was coming from.

That being said, do you have any book recs?

I really don't see anything wrong with what you did. Leading him on would be telling you actually wanted to be in a relationship and how much you like him.

Sometimes, you do wait a little longer to see if attraction builds up. You were honest and told him just that.

Some of my guy friends have been people that started just like you are describing but we were able to go pass that and have amazing friendships now.

Yeah, this is how I feel. I think there was some over the top freaking out in here. You told him you didn't want a relationship, he didn't respect that. I don't think he is a douche, just disappointed, but I don't see how you are a douche in this scenario either.

[gozf]

I agree with jojo. I don't think anyone's a douche, here. And I hope that things level out in your friendship. I was in a similar-ish situation about a year and a half ago. A good friend of mine, with whom I spent a lot of time, mentioned over beers one night that we'd been hanging out a lot, and asked me if we could move it into a dating situation.

It was awkward. I loved the dude, but not like that. I had an inkling that he might have been interested, and because of that I made sure to be less effusive and affectionate than my norm. It didn't work. But he took my polite, "thanks, but no thanks" with a lot of grace. I think it was maybe a week that we didn't talk, but we picked things up very nicely from there. And when I started dating Thor, he was very supportive and happy for both of us. Heck, he even helped us move.

So. I know what it's like to really, really like a person, but not want to see him naked. I don't think you were wrong for pursuing the friendship, and I hope that he gets past this and that things remain friendly. And if they don't? He wasn't the friend that you thought he was.

[lookingup]

Sept 4, 2012 9:48:50 GMT -5 gozf said:

I agree with jojo. I don't think anyone's a douche, here. And I hope that things level out in your friendship. I was in a similar-ish situation about a year and a half ago. A good friend of mine, with whom I spent a lot of time, mentioned over beers one night that we'd been hanging out a lot, and asked me if we could move it into a dating situation.

It was awkward. I loved the dude, but not like that. I had an inkling that he might have been interested, and because of that I made sure to be less effusive and affectionate than my norm. It didn't work. But he took my polite, "thanks, but no thanks" with a lot of grace. I think it was maybe a week that we didn't talk, but we picked things up very nicely from there. And when I started dating Thor, he was very supportive and happy for both of us. Heck, he even helped us move.

So. I know what it's like to really, really like a person, but not want to see him naked. I don't think you were wrong for pursuing the friendship, and I hope that he gets past this and that things remain friendly. And if they don't? He wasn't the friend that you thought he was.

Thanks, GOZF, that's what I was thinking. I'm glad I got some opposing view points in here; I was starting to think I was seriously warped.