What ifs

[doriswe]

I've had way too much down time this weekend and have been doing a lot of thinking about lessons learned and all of that jazz. Actually, how I came about this was by trying to find an email from a friend and I searched for a key word and it pulled up an email from XH from very early on in our relationship (yes, I know I need to delete them). Anyway, even early on XH was telling me who he was in emails and was trying to convince me he wasn't worth the effort. He'd say things like "are you sure you're up for this kind of challenge", "I worry I'm too high maintenance for you", "I'm the emotionally needy type".

So this has got me thinking, we've all made comments about how we've learned so much from our past relationships and are better equipped to see the "red flags" which, in turn, allows us to make better choices in future relationships. But this wasn't my first rodeo and I know I learned from my past mistakes but yet I found myself in that relationship and continued to overlook things (or minimize or something). So how can I say that I won't find myself doing the same thing again? I'd like to believe that I'm pretty self-aware and smart and yet I've made some pretty stupid relationship moves in my life.

I've done the counseling route and I feel like I'm in a much healthier place than I have been in the past. I have accepted not only my role in the dissolution of our marriage but also dealt with a lot of things from the past that reared their ugly heads during my relationships. I'm better at listening to that little voice in my head when things feel off with dating situations. I'll also say, I've not yet been in a serious committed relationship since XH moved out.

But I can't help but wonder if I'll really be able to see things for what they are in relationships or if I'll see them, ignore the voice and then in retrospect go "well, geez, I should have walked then".

I'm curious if anyone else has wondered the same thing....

[lookingup]

I feel like I'm in the opposite boat right now. At this point, I'm wondering when I'll be willing to give someone a real chance.

[explorer2001]

Sept 3, 2012 15:47:27 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I've done the counseling route and I feel like I'm in a much healthier place than I have been in the past. I have accepted not only my role in the dissolution of our marriage but also dealt with a lot of things from the past that reared their ugly heads during my relationships. I'm better at listening to that little voice in my head when things feel off with dating situations. I'll also say, I've not yet been in a serious committed relationship since XH moved out.

But I can't help but wonder if I'll really be able to see things for what they are in relationships or if I'll see them, ignore the voice and then in retrospect go "well, geez, I should have walked then".

I'm curious if anyone else has wondered the same thing....

I used to feel that way. I have had a committed relationship post divorce, but I ended it when it became clear we were in different places. There were some flags and I stuck it out for another month-ish because we had been good together for 9 months at that point. I feel far more confident I'll be better at this going forward. My ex wasn't my first boyfriend or anything but I was barely 20, a beebee who didn't have s clue about healthy relationships when we met. I'm in a much better place now, wisdom,knowing myself, knowing how I deserve to be treated, having actual self esteem. So I worry but I think that keeps me more aware which is good.

[Deleted]

ABSOLUTELY! I look back and realize there were soo many red flags that I totally ignored with xh. Honestly, I think it was because I was on the rebound from a previous long term relationship and I just wanted a relationship so badly, I ignored my gut instinct. I should have ran far far away within the first month. Honestly I should have NEVER given him the time of day, but he was handsome and charming and I was dumb and lonely.

For future relationships, I'm not sure how this will go---I'm not dating yet. BUT, I can totally see myself bailing out as soon as I see something I don't like. This may then place me in the "too picky category". But after all the stupid choices I made with xh and all the shit I put up with, I'm not willing to be treated poorly...ever.

[Deleted]

Well for me, it wasn't so much about not seeing the red flags as it was not reacting to them. It was about me not being okay enough with myself to think I could find someone else or deserved something better. I'm actually not even sure I'm completely at that place yet, but I'm getting there. Until you get to that place I'm not sure anything will prevent it from happening again.

[margaritagirl]

I've been in a few not-so-good-for-me relationships post divorce, and what helped me (in addition to counseling and time to my self) was journaling. I would be honest in writing when I had doubts or wonder about something and then I'd read it a week, a month down the line and realize I needed to bail. I'd write things like "I know I should probably end this" or "he isn't quite romantic enough, but..." and by re-reading it later, it would pop out at me. Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, it just feels so right and I have zero doubts or nagging thoughts.