How Long Until Monogamy?

[5kg8rgirl]

So, before now, every relationship I have been in has been monogamous from basically the get go. History: Serious college bf of 3 yrs, my xh, and recent rebound guy that I got too seriously involved with too quickly. I met someone and we are taking it snails speed so far, which is exactly what I need. We are keeping it super light and fun. We have been seeing each other about 3 weeks now and have gone on 5 dates. We have kissed a lot and held hands, but never have gotten more intimate. We haven't had any serious talks in general. We haven't defined where we are and I don't need to right now. We both still have our profiles on match and both login everyday. I have 0 problem with him seeing other people and I intend to here and there if I feel like it. I guess my question is: when do you normally determine that you will not see anyone else? One of my friends said 4-5 months and others have said only a few dates. I know there is no hard and fast rule for this, I was just wondering what SO members think.

[mandimija]

You're right. There is no hard and fast rule to any of this. My SO amd I decided after a few dates. Then again, I briefly dated someone and we were never exclusive. Just do what feels right, though I do highly suggest having that conversation before you introduce sex into the equation (if not way way before. But then again, I'm kind of a prude when it comes to sex).

[5kg8rgirl]

Sept 3, 2012 19:19:36 GMT -5 mandimija said:

You're right. There is no hard and fast rule to any of this. My SO amd I decided after a few dates. Then again, I briefly dated someone and we were never exclusive. Just do what feels right, though I do highly suggest having that conversation before you introduce sex into the equation (if not way way before. But then again, I'm kind of a prude when it comes to sex).

Actually this is kind of what got me thinking about this. He is insanely hot. He is really proper too, but went out with his friends and sent me some suggestive texts lol. It was funny coming from him. I wouldn't mind being more physical, but I don't believe in sex without exclusivity either. I don't want it to come of sounding like an ultimatum though, so I think I am basically going to try to put it off as long as I can even though I don't want to

[udscoobychick]

I've only had that conversation once (all other relationships were with guys who I was really good friends with first, so we were exclusive from the get-go), but it was after 1 month. It seemed like the right amount of time for me. We had been able to get to know each other a bit, decided we were interested in seeing where it went, etc. I don't think I would put it off 4-5 months. By then, I would be way too emotionally invested in it to be able to handle it if he said he wasn't interested in being exclusive!

[Bernadine]

T and I just Friday said that we won't be seeing other people. I brought it up, because I didn't want him sleeping with anyone else while we're sleeping together. Although we both kind of knew the other wasn't seeing anyone else, I wanted to just put it out there. Oh, and we've been seeing each other for 2 1/12 months.

[gozf]

Yay, Bernadine!

As far as when's the right time to broach the topic of monogamy, it's hard to say. I don't believe in hard and fast rules, because every relationship is different. My best advice to to bring it up when you're certain it's what you want.

[hainesherway]

Sept 4, 2012 8:31:04 GMT -5 gozf said:

As far as when's the right time to broach the topic of monogamy, it's hard to say. I don't believe in hard and fast rules, because every relationship is different. My best advice to to bring it up when you're certain it's what you want.

I agree. And I think it's best to bring it up before you have sex to avoid potentially getting hurt.

[formerlyak]

I think we had that chat about a month in. It was pretty obvious then that we were into each other and not wanting to date around. We didn't have some big formal talk though. We were opening a bottle of wine at his house one night and I said, "I keep getting emails from people on eharmony and I am not sure what to do with them. I am really enjoying our time together and before I answer anyone else, I wanted to know what you are doing." He said, "I get the emails from other girls, too, but I have been ignoring them because I want to see where things go with you." And that was that. About a month later we hid our eharmony profiles and at the three month or so mark, we deactivated our accounts.

[mandimija]

Our conversation was about a week in. Mijo told me that he'd been talking to another girl, but told her that he'd found someone he wanted to be with. If it was okay with me, he wanted to be exclusive. No huge formal talk necessary.

[jade28]

This varies by relationship. I have dated guys for six months or more and never been monogamous (except for agreeing not to sleep with anyone else). I always knew it was not going to turn into a serious relationship. I feel like now those kind of relationships would be a waste of time.

Otherwise, I am pretty happy having the convo and agreeing to monogamy after a few weeks or several dates. I think you know pretty early on whether you have something worth committing to or not. It doesn't take that long for me to decide. I prefer to be monogamous and take the relationship risk than date multiple people.

[sparkles17]

I agree with the others that it totally varies by relationship. I've had 2 relationships post divorce and in both cases the exclusivity conversation came in to play around the 1 mth mark. I am very much a 1 man kind of woman and don't usually date anyone else if I see potential with someone, I'd always rather focus on that relationship to see where it goes instead of spreading myself too thin, but that's just me.

[blackkitty]

Maybe I am wrong here but these are not the same questions:
How long until monogmay? and

when do you normally determine that you will not see anyone else?

Isn't monogamy not have sex with other people as opposed to not dating other people?
I'm typically monogamous in all sexual relationships but obviously I don't always just date one person exclusively.