Please help me get over this guilt

[breezy8407]

I can't comment on the age being a reason, but I can relate to the sassy toddler vs sweet cuddly toddler thing. DD and DS are so different and honestly, he's easier and more rational to be around. I think I am harder on her and/or expect more from her. I am not sure why. Maybe because she's always excelled at everything so when he does something less impressive, I praise him more. I don't think that makes sense...

TLDR, I feel different towards my kids. I love them both so much and am amazed at them daily, but I have guilt for treating them differently.

[ivegotthemunchkins]

I only have one right now, but with #2 due soon I have the same worries that you had when you were pregnant with E. I think it's totally normal. Right now A and I are very close, despite her terrible toddler behavior some days. I get sad that I can definitely see myself loving #2 more because A is SO DIFFICULT sometimes. I also feel like all I do is yell. I know that's not the case, but I definitely feel that way.

I have no real advice, but I wanted to chime in to let you know that this is normal (or at least, I think it is!) and you are not alone.

[chasbride07]

I have had similar experience and feelings towards my oldest. Adam and Jack are 19 months apart. J was a VERY NEEDY baby. So basically I had to tend to him and DH or my MIL would take over A. Once I stopped BF J, I felt like A no longer needed me in a weird way and because I was a middle child, I was overly concerned about J not being overshadowed. Plus A is just more of a daddy's boy and J is just over all sweet. After Audrey came along when A was 4, I felt like I didn't have the same sort of relationship with him as I did with J and Audrey. I definitely have to make more of an effort with him. But we'll do things together, have "Mommy Adam Days" and that type of thing.

J is just a more loving kid. A always seems like he is trying to do what he thinks he's supposed to do in terms of hugs and affection so some of it is definitely personality.

End of random ramblings, I think it's ok to have different relationships with kids. I love all three kids, but I do often feel the least close to Adam, but that is ok. He's happy and thriving. He seems to really just like to do his own thing so doesn't need my attention in the same way the other 2 do.

[Deleted]

I think personality types of kids and us as moms dictate relationships. I was never as close with my mom as my sister was because we were, and are, just more different. I was also the difficult child.

Right now H is still my cuddly baby so I can't compare yet, but I do feel different about him at this age than I did A at this age.

[laurensmomma]

Well, I have an only, so I can't give you the same input that others can, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

[jg183]

I think it's a personality thing not birth order. Some personalities we handle better and some really push us

[sunshineluv]

I am the middle child. My mom had feelings like you are having when my sister and I were younger. I was born when my sister was 2.5, and I was super sweet, and friendly (according to my mom) right when my sister started being super difficult and jealous. My little brother came along when we were 10 and 8 (so huge gap and different dad...) But... while my mom had tons of guilt about liking me more than she liked my sister for a few years, our relationship with our mom is outstanding now and has been (minus teen years) for basically our whole lives. My mom is also really close to my brother.

Also, your guilt isn't benefitting anyone or anything. You are a great mom to both girls, they are at very different ages and stages, cut yourself some slack.

[ktstorm]

I have similar feelings with my boys. B has always been such a ball of energy and defiance, especially around 2/2.5 and it just got worse after E was born. For some reason he's still such a mama's boy and gets so so so jealous whenever I'm paying any attention to E. But I want to enjoy and snuggle my little sweetheart. A lot of my frustrations come about because it always seems like B tortures his brother to get my attention. I lose my temper with him so much and I really hate it. With that said, I think sunshineluv is right - it's ok to have different kinds of relationships with your kids, but don't get lost in the guilt. My parents had different relationships with each of us, but spent quality time so I never felt like they had favorites or "loved" one of us more than the other. If they did/do I have no idea.

I've been reading my way through this - Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So you Can Live Too - and it's helping me structure how to talk to B a little better and give a voice to his feelings rather than torturing his brother quite so much. It doesn't do much for the typical 4 year old behaviors.

My H is so against 3 mainly because of how incredibly intense B is

[monkeybabe]

I'm having these same guilt issues already. I feel like all I do is tell Zoe to be quiet, tell her I can't pick her up, or get frustrated with her for being naughty. And omg, the sass.

[monkeybabe]

May 24, 2016 10:12:12 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Okay, this is a stupid comparison, but we used to have 4 cats. My H came into the relationship with one, and she only loved him. So we got a second, but she wasn't the lap cat I had hoped for either. lol. Then we got a third, and she was my baby. THEN we got a 4th, but I still felt closest to the third. So maybe I will still feel just as close to E if/when we have another child? I'm really worried about a baby changing our relationship because I have it in my head that a baby changed my relationship with Joanna. But it's true that it could just be a personality thing.

I would guess personality is a huge factor. Zoe was not a cuddly baby. We called her a potted plant for a long time, because she preferred to be in her bouncy seat, looking at you sternly. Finn is so damn smiley and social, and wants to attempt to eat your face. Now Zoe is a dictator and a loud one, and I'd rather hang out with the kid that smiles at me, even if he pulls my hair.

[carawestt]

I feel the same as Loco Coco. She explained things perfectly about expecting them to act older even though they are still really young. And I feel constant guilt over that and how frustrated I get with Lincoln because of it.

[carolinagirl831]

Popping in for MMM,
I have the same feelings, My dd 1 is extremely strong willed, independent and just plain difficult! lOl hence, my post today..
My 13 month old, is so sweet and cuddly and a huge mamas girl.... and so much easier..

One thing that helps is making a point to do one on one. Last sat, I took dd1 shopping and errands, and we had a great time. It gave DH bonding time with the baby too. I think DD1 acts so much better when we do things like that. But on a day to day basis, We both work full time, rush home to make dinner, bed... theres not time except for melt downs

I think it's just different personalities, DD1 is so independent and outgoing- which I think will make for a fun personality when she is older.. DD2 is just so cuddly and loving. It's hard to compare the two now.

No real advice, just that I understand where you're coming from!

[dojo]

They are both still very young and your relationships will evolve. My mom and I have gone though a lot of ups and downs but ultimately settled into a very good relationship

[carawestt]

May 24, 2016 10:19:23 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

May 24, 2016 10:18:30 GMT -5 carawestt said:

I feel the same as Loco Coco . She explained things perfectly about expecting them to act older even though they are still really young. And I feel constant guilt over that and how frustrated I get with Lincoln because of it.

I do the same, and I think I ALWAYS did that, even before E was born. I've always expected too much from her.

I honestly can't even remember when it started. I was so protective and borderline territorial of Lincoln, I would rarely let anyone else hold him and now I find myself pawning him off on my H and grandparents because I need a break from him he almost seems to do things intentionally so that he'll get us upset. I don't know how to change that.

[jsillyfun]

I also really think a big part is the age and I do think the behavior is worse bc of the baby and jealousy. I feel a lot of guilt bc may still acts out a lot bc of jealousy which in turn makes us gel along worse and the sweet baby is good all the time! But may is already getting more mature and able to handle herself and meanwhile the baby will become an insane 3 yr old.

[eddy]

I have very high expectations for Jack. For me it is a birth order thing. I feel like I have made him toe the line much more then Leo. Leo was my more snugglier baby, but Jack is at such a cool age it is hard not to be obsessed with him lol. So with age it has evened out. Jack has also grown out of so many of his annoying habits/personality traits. So even though there were times I preferred Leo those times are gone.
 At 8 years old Jack makes me feel good about my parenting. Like I haven't done half bad job with him. The jury is out on Leo.  :?

Can I ask a devil's advocate question. How do you think having a third will impact your relationship with J?

[laurack]

I definitely feel more tender/loving towards William right now. He gets upset and throws tantrums but it's like ... It's still cute. He's very cuddly and round and just sweet. Matilda is full of barbs. I know she is struggling and needs love now too but she's making it hard for me to be tender towards her. She is so irritable and whiny and it's just not so cute on a four year old basically

I always wonder if it is because William is a boy. It's probably not but now when I think of having a third child I feel like I could only deal with it if it was another boy (another William) I know that is irrational and silly

[laurack]

William just seems so happy and pleasant. I can't even remember but I'm sure Matilda seemed like that too at his age? But of course I had a newborn then. Maybe that is why she is this way now ... Forced to grow up too soon... More guilt!!!

Why do we do this to ourselves ...

[vthokie]

I would have to say that some of it is the age. Everyone seems to be struggling with the 4 year olds. I feel like my struggle is exacerbated by a tiny baby and lack of sleep. You've been feeling this way for 2 years, well E was tiny 2 years ago. And then 3 hit with the big one. And then the shit hit the fan.
I think as J gets more involved in school and starts discovering new things that way, you'll develop a new relationship with her as a kid. And, unfortunately, E will hit the difficult stage.
Adding a kid is tough. I feel like the worst parent ever. Every day. I spent my pregnancy exhausted and short with A's antics. and now I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm always the no fun parent.

Big hugs. You aren't alone in any of this. And we'll all get through it.

[vthokie]

I also forget that A is only 4. She's super articulate and ACTS older much of the time. I've been working hard to not get on her for so much. I've also gotten on H for being too hard on her

[breezy8407]

vthokie, I can relate...I feel like DD seems older than DS because she is doing so much more at school and is more advanced academically. She is more mature, too. And she takes care of DS and watches out for him. She's always saying stuff like "it's okay buddy."

[monarobinson]

I have three and when I found out I was pregnant with C, I was devastated that K wouldn't be the youngest. It made me so, so sad. I always felt closer to her than I did with B and I have always expected him to act older than he is, without doing it on purpose. I feel like with your first child, everything is new and so much is trial and error. The second one comes along and you know what to expect so you can just enjoy it more. Rather than trying to figure out how to parent a (insert age) year old child, you've already done it so it's automatic.

[thedahliharpa]

Things definitely changed with H after D was born and she doesn't remember how close we were. DH is her sun her moon her everything...which is exactly what I am to D. H gets me so riled up so quickly and DH has a lot of patience for her. He has way less patience for D and I don't get it. For me, she's easier, kinder and more loving. H can be really self absorbed (will this ever change?? lol ) but she does have a big heart. I'm really happy D is the baby of the family and since we are not having anymore we probably perpetuate that. They both are constantly jealous of one another and especially when it comes to sharing me. It's not really the family dynamic I was expecting. It's mostly my fault, I think? I'm pretty hardcore about baby raising stuff (as some of you might remember, lol) and I refused to give D any "less" than I gave H. It's a huge reason for not having a 3rd. I can't lower my personal expectations and it just wouldn't work with another one.

[shevacc]

May 24, 2016 10:09:19 GMT -5 Loco Coco said:

I loathed the baby stage with both kids, I'm definitely broken in that department. I'm also dreading it with this baby. I wish I could fast forward this kid to the 6 month mark.

Me too! Where is our commune...I need one of those baby-loving mamas to cuddle my new one while I play with all the toddlers/preschoolers!

[shevacc]

May 24, 2016 11:00:07 GMT -5 thedahliharpa said:

Things definitely changed with H after D was born and she doesn't remember how close we were. DH is her sun her moon her everything...which is exactly what I am to D. H gets me so riled up so quickly and DH has a lot of patience for her. He has way less patience for D and I don't get it. For me, she's easier, kinder and more loving. H can be really self absorbed (will this ever change?? lol ) but she does have a big heart. 

I feel like this is a very similar dynamic to my family's. G is super close to DH while X is a complete mama's boy. DH only just recently (like within the last 3-6 months) bonded with X -- I was genuinely worried for a long time that it would never happen. He struggled with some mental health issues during X's first year which prevented him from properly connecting with his son.

@tambcat, I definitely don't feel as close to G as before X was born. But I've been making a concerted effort lately to find things that G and I can do one-on-one together and I think it's helping. We went to see several ballets and a musical together over the last several months, and I've been taking her to swim lessons the last few weeks. Also I love reading chapter books so really prefer reading her bedtime stories to reading X's toddler books over and over again. Focusing on a few specific things I enjoy doing with her has helped me look forward to our one-on-one time, and building our relationship seems to be helping in a lot of ways.

[Na]

May 24, 2016 11:00:07 GMT -5 thedahliharpa said:

Things definitely changed with H after D was born and she doesn't remember how close we were. DH is her sun her moon her everything...which is exactly what I am to D. H gets me so riled up so quickly and DH has a lot of patience for her. He has way less patience for D and I don't get it. For me, she's easier, kinder and more loving. H can be really self absorbed (will this ever change?? lol ) but she does have a big heart.

This is a great way to describe it, our family is the same.

[thedahliharpa]

D and DH have bonded a lot more but she play so darn hard to get with him and I think it genuinely hurts his feelings.

[fusion]

Well I had them so quickly and we knew we would be going for at least at third so I never structured A as my "baby". That being said, she is the only girl, and she and I have identical personalities so it is easier for me and her to get along most of the time than with the boys. J has my husband's exact personality and they are inseparable when he's home, doing nerdy engineer things that I have no interest in. And D is a cute but SUPER annoying young toddler right now, so the jury is still out on him really I've "liked them the most" all at different ages. J was a tough baby and an awesome 2 year old and has been getting better and better as he's hit the kid phase. Anna was the best 3 year old but a rough young toddler and is now going through a tough emotional time. D was the best and snuggliest baby, but now is the pickiest eater of the three and again, VERY annoying most of the time, although I know once we can get through the food and communication issues he will probably be changing. I just try to identify their strengths and build based on that, not what I think they should be, and mold what activities we do and how we interact based on who they are. I do think Anna is a better middle child than a baby, she is lazier and likes to be spoiled rather than being so independent, and this forces her out of that a bit.

[blane12]

I was opposite where I was worried I wouldn't love C as much as I loved B when I was still pregnant. B is a huge momma's boy and is super snugly with me. C is a totally different personality. He is always on the go, getting into everything. I love him so, so much too. He is not a snuggler. He will give kisses, but only when he wants. The only time I get snuggles is at night right before bed. They are two completely different personalities. They sound like the reverse of your two.

Plus, 4 is a really hard age (at least for us so far). I think you should give yourself a break. Love is not divided - it's multiplied. You just love them differently- and that's ok. And I really don't think you're snuggly relationship w E will change with the addition of a new baby -mine with B didn't. My H gets jealous because B just wants to snuggle and love on me. She will still be sweet little E, but will also get a chance to be a big sister.

[monarobinson]

May 24, 2016 11:06:55 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

monarobinson, how have things been since having C?

They've actually been really great. Much better than the transition from one to two. I'm still extremely close with K and she really loves her roles as the little sister AND the big sister. Sometimes I wonder if it's been easy because she's the only girl. I feel like I'm naturally close with her and we bond over things that maybe I wouldn't bond over with my sons. I also feel closer to older DS since C came along. He's 7 now and we can have really interesting and meaningful talks. That's not to say that we have deep, serious conversations but I'm really enjoying to get to know the little person he's becoming.