This weekend while on vacation I met a ton of new people. While talking with several of them the topic of kids would come up, because many of the band members or musicians I was seeing also have kids and it was just a natural topic of conversation.
When people ask about my family, my standard line is usually something like "I have two of my own, plus a 10yo stepson." If my H was around when I was having these conversations he would overhear the beginning of my response where I'd say "I have two kids..." and he'd jump in to remind me that I have three. Basically he hadn't heard me mention his son (my stepson) yet, and wanted to "remind me." I was getting super annoyed with him interrupting me, but that's neither here nor there.
He thinks that I should be telling people that I have three kids.
I think the way that I do it is completely correct and fair, and doesn't change the relationship that I have with SS at all. I've been around SS since birth, but SS well knows that I'm his stepmom and that he has a mom, a dad, a stepmom and a stepdad. He calls me "Mama H" and his stepdad "Papa", but he knows the difference. I feel sort of weird "claiming" him as my own when he has a mother, but maybe that's not fair either.
Am I doing something wrong here? Anyone else have stepkids and care to share how they handle this type of thing?
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Especially because it's a personal thing. I don't have step kids so I don't know how I would handle it personally, but I know my girlfriend that has a ss says it something like "I have 2 kids. An 8yo ss and a 1yo daughter" so basically what you are saying but just in a slightly different order.
It seems like a very strong reaction. Many people I know with bio-kids and step-kids explain it the same as you do, and many just give the total number like your H is suggesting. They both seem equally right.
Have you tried explaining to your H that you don't want to detract from or minimize your SS's relationship with his mom? Maybe explaining it that way will show him that it has nothing to do with your own relationship with SS.
I think your answer is fine. Your H's response seems over-the-top. Are there deeper issues at play here?
No, honestly. And I should have indicated in the OP that when he would jump in he was doing so in sort of a silly, jabbing way. It just made me think about it further and wonder if he was right that I should be approaching it differently.
Post by Ashley&Scott on May 25, 2016 10:06:06 GMT -5
Team YH.
I had a stepmom when I was your SS's age. (they divorced after I graduated college) I would have been very hurt if I had overheard her saying what you say. I think a better way would be, "I have 3 kids. My SS is 10, my sons are 3 & 4mo." It doesn't matter that you didn't give birth to him, he is part of your family.
I don't think there's a "wrong" or "right" here, more how you feel most comfortable saying it.
I don't have stepkids, but my brother does, and I'm pretty sure I've heard him include his SS in the group, and just say he has three kids (that would include his own as well as the SS). My parents also include that kid in the total number of grandchildren, they don't say we have X number of grandkids, and one step-grandkid.
One factor to me would be whether the stepkid is a big part of your lives and you have him with you all/a good percentage of the time, in which case he'd be part of the family. If you only have him once in a while for a weekend or something, I might see it differently. But I think personally I would include the stepkid in the total in everyday conversations like the one you were having, because to me, it wouldn't really matter that one is a stepkid in that conversation. If you were talking with another mom and the conversation was about something where it mattered that some were biological vs. stepkids, I'd probably make the distinction in that case.
It seems like a very strong reaction. Many people I know with bio-kids and step-kids explain it the same as you do, and many just give the total number like your H is suggesting. They both seem equally right.
Have you tried explaining to your H that you don't want to detract from or minimize your SS's relationship with his mom? Maybe explaining it that way will show him that it has nothing to do with your own relationship with SS.
We were drinking and in a loud place (music festival), so we didn't discuss it any further then. But maybe I'll bring it up now that we're home to figure out exactly where he was coming from and explain my view of it.
I had a stepmom when I was your SS's age. (they divorced after I graduated college) I would have been very hurt if I had overheard her saying what you say. I think a better way would be, "I have 3 kids. My SS is 10, my sons are 3 & 4mo." It doesn't matter that you didn't give birth to him, he is part of your family.
I think this is totally what H was thinking and honestly what makes me second guess myself.
I'll try to use your wording (and the same suggestion from others) going forward. SS is a very big part of our lives, and the last thing I want to do is make him feel otherwise.
I would say 3 from the start, and if you feel the need to explain then go from there.
My sister has 4 bio kids and 5 step. Most of the step kids are college aged or older, but one lives with my sister and her husband 99% of the time. Depending on the situation, she says she has 5 or 9 kids, and rarely gives an explanation unless she's deep into conversation and it's relevant.
I don't have step kids, but I think I side with your husband. I think saying I have 3 kids is fine and if you talk to the person more you can elaborate if you want.
I think your answer is fine too but tbh I can see how he would feel like you are leaving out/differentiating ss as not "your own". My new neighbors are a blended family (I know because his ex-wife lived in our old community lol and I had met his son before). He introduced them by saying they have 4 kids. This is more fair, I think. Maybe your h feels weird when you introduce it like that because it kind of gives off a lot of information about him...he had a kid in a prior marriage, he's divorced, remarried, etc.
I had a stepmom when I was your SS's age. (they divorced after I graduated college) I would have been very hurt if I had overheard her saying what you say. I think a better way would be, "I have 3 kids. My SS is 10, my sons are 3 & 4mo." It doesn't matter that you didn't give birth to him, he is part of your family.
I think this is totally what H was thinking and honestly what makes me second guess myself.
I'll try to use your wording (and the same suggestion from others) going forward. SS is a very big part of our lives, and the last thing I want to do is make him feel otherwise.
Then you should be saying 3 and only explain further if there's a need to, IMO. Less is more in this situation. And your husband is obviously sensitive to it, so I think you should be very aware of that.
I think you're wrong. Why do you have to qualify him as your SS?
I don't have to. That's part of what I'm asking. I think it's just habit and a holdover from the time when H and I first started dating. I was 20yo and H was 27yo when we started dating, and SS was born shortly after that point. He wasn't mine, and wasn't my actual "stepson" until we got married 6 years later. I started calling him that much sooner than our actual marriage, but in the beginning it was "This is my boyfriend's son" and then it morphed into "This is my stepson" after a while. I guess I just got used to the latter.
I don't have stepchildren so maybe I'm way off, but my instinct is actually to side with your H. I like the wording @awinter 's friend uses. IDK why it makes a difference! lol
This is where I fall.
If your point is to not minimize the fact that you aren't his MOM, I understand that. And you should tell your DH that. But I also agree that to separate your SS out might be hurtful to your DH.
I like the response of "I have 3 kids - an 8 yo SS and (whatever the ages are of your kids)".
"two kids of my own and my stepson" does feel a bit exclusionary.
Post by charlotteandwilbur on May 25, 2016 10:14:35 GMT -5
My stepmom has always replied 4 kids, which includes my brother and me plus her 2 bio kids. It has not gone unnoticed, obviously, and I think it's a nice thing to do.
I think you're wrong. Why do you have to qualify him as your SS?
And I feel like NOT qualifying him as a SS is kinda disrespectful to his mother.
I don't understand this. It's not like she's saying she birthed 3 kids.
If my kids had a step mom I would hope that she would include them in her kid count and not say "I have two of my own plus two step kids". It makes the step kids seem less important. My aunt has two bio kids and 2 adopted kids. She would never START by saying that to someone.
I have to add- from the situation you were in, I actually agree that "less is more" is the right approach. Just a general "we have 3 kids" is really enough. Do these people really care about the specifics? Probably not. If you develop a closer friendship from this, then sure, in will all come to light. But in the immediate? You really could just be more generic to start.
And I feel like NOT qualifying him as a SS is kinda disrespectful to his mother.
I don't understand this. It's not like she's saying she birthed 3 kids.
If my kids had a step mom I would hope that she would include them in her kid count and not say "I have two of my own plus two step kids". It makes the step kids seem less important. My aunt has two bio kids and 2 adopted kids. She would never START by saying that to someone.
Same! Unity in a blended family is so, so important. My head is literally spinning trying to make sense of it being offensive to the mother.
I truly hope that if we ever find ourselves in similar shoes my son feels 1,000% like a member of his blended families, regardless of the day or house he's in.
I guess I would look at this as I would for adoption. If I adopted kids, I would call them my kids, even if I didn't physically birthed them. I don't have S-children, I feel like I would do the same if if I did.