Post by LoveTrains on Sept 4, 2012 10:02:55 GMT -5
I might edit or DD parts of this post later, so please don't quote.
My brother will be 25 next week. He graduated from college in 2011 with a BA in English. Since then, he has sat at my parent's house doing nothing. Well, by nothing, he is "writing the next great American novel."
He has never had a job in his life. He had one unpaid internship at a college magazine a few summers ago.
My parents have bought him round-trip train tickets to my house. He is coming tonight and staying for a week. He supposedly is going to look for a job up here. He is going to "walk around town" and apply for stuff.
I am convinced that my parents are tired of him and are trying to pawn him off on me. WTF am I supposed to do with him? I live in the state with the second highest unemployment in the country....
He refuses to take food service or retail jobs b/c he thinks they are beneath him, except apparently now he wants to work at an antiquarian book store.
Now if he even does find a job up here, where is he supposed to live? I doubt he can afford his own apartment (or even a roommate) on minimum wage.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 4, 2012 10:06:40 GMT -5
No, I do not have a guest room. He is going to sleep on air mattress in my living room. Yes, I did see an email confirmation so I know the ticket is round trip, but that is absolutely a fear of mine.
I should add that my H is not thrilled about this.
Oh dear. I'm sorry. My sister is in a similar situation (24, college degree, unemployed and lives with mom). I think we've talked about this before. I've encouraged her to come down and visit us and look for a job around here, but if my mom actually bought her a ticket I think I would be scared of what would happen. I want to help her, and my mom hasn't worked in 30+ years, so I feel like I am the most likely one to do this.
Sorry I don't have any advice, just commiseration.
I would just say, "Here's the local paper with classifieds and apartment listings. Here's the bus schedule and the taxi number if you need to get around town. I can help you tweak your resume if you want. Good luck!"
Then pack up and put away the air mattress on the morning he's supposed to leave.
Just remember that it is NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM. if he can't find a job or doesn't have a place to live, or if your parents kick him out. He's an adult and fully capable of making his own choices. He's living this way because your parents have allowed him to take advantage of them, so don't let yourself fall into the same trap.
You'll do him absolutely no favors if you let him stay "just a little while longer" or if you give him money or do the legwork for a job/apartment for him. Give a man a fish, and all that.
Post by vanillacourage on Sept 4, 2012 10:10:56 GMT -5
Oh man. I would plan something the day after he's supposed to leave so he has no excuse to "extend his trip".
I kind of can't believe that it's within the realm of possibility that your parents would be shifting responsibility of him to you. He's 25 and it's not a disability situation where he really does need to live with family.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 4, 2012 10:11:55 GMT -5
He does suffer from depression and anxiety, and for many years refused to seek professional help. I believe he finally got on some medication that is helping him, so that is the good news.
Post by aerowife2010 on Sept 4, 2012 10:16:07 GMT -5
Ugh, I'm sorry. My BIL did this to us the other month- it got to the point where we told him he had to leave. Maybe suggest that today, before he arrives, he looks and applies to jobs in the area. I don't know any place in the area where you really can just walk to and apply, usually everything is done online now.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Sept 4, 2012 10:32:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry. That's a tough spot. Maybe your parents aren't so much shifting responsibility as they are hoping that jolting him out of his comfort zone might result in a little more action on his part. If he really plans to stay in the area, I would have him signing up with temp agencies the first day, and looking at rooms for rent on Craigslist. It won't be cushy, but he should get an idea of what kind of jobs and living situations he'll be dealing with, and what he needs to do to improve his situation. Good luck.
With a college degree, even English, he can get a job as a residential counsellor in a RTC or group home for kids. A lot of the group homes have a residential component, so he can live there, too. They have a lot of turnover, bc they don't pay much better than food or retail - but it may get him over his snobby job-title phobia. And you all can pretend it's research for his next book. Being a guy is a bonus, too.
Yikes. It sounds like all of this was done without your input or even permission. I would not want a houseguest in my living room for a week, even if it was one of my siblings. I would make it clear that if he finds a job near you, he has to find his own apartment right away, because you don't have room for him at your place. Basically make it very undesirable for him to attempt to freeload off of you.
That stinks. My sister is in a somewhat similar situation- except she has had jobs. She just keeps getting fired. Now she is going back to school to teach but she still lives home.
Luckily they try to pawn her on our other sister, not me. Having a kid is a good excuse not to have her over. But my other sister is at her breaking point with my parents meddling.
I'm sorry. My brother is the same way. it sucks especially because my mom enables him and I can clearly tell he is mooching off his gf..I don't think he would be with this chick if he had a job and money.
My BBF's brother is the same way. I think he graduated in 2008 though and has had a few jobs but always quits after a few months. He parties all the time and lives at his families lake house during the summer. He has no self confidence in himself and I think that is a lot of the problem.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Sept 4, 2012 13:14:56 GMT -5
On the bright side, I think I've mentioned my SIL before...she hadn't worked in like 10 years, had just lived with my MIL in a one bedroom apartment "ministering" to people over the phone. When MIL died, SIL suddenly decided to move to Houston, where she'd never even been. I was sure we would have to support her for months, and in the first few weeks she blew pretty much all her cash on some extended-stay hotel, but when push came to shove she managed to get a job and rent a room and has been self-sufficient for almost a year now. We were pleasantly shocked as hell. I think sometimes we underestimate peoples' ability to get by when they have to.
On the bright side, I think I've mentioned my SIL before...she hadn't worked in like 10 years, had just lived with my MIL in a one bedroom apartment "ministering" to people over the phone. When MIL died, SIL suddenly decided to move to Houston, where she'd never even been. I was sure we would have to support her for months, and in the first few weeks she blew pretty much all her cash on some extended-stay hotel, but when push came to shove she managed to get a job and rent a room and has been self-sufficient for almost a year now. We were pleasantly shocked as hell. I think sometimes we underestimate peoples' ability to get by when they have to.
The bolded part is critical, though. I would absolutely kick him out after a week. He won't die or starve. He'll figure something out.
Yet another terrifying parent experience. How do some of your children turn out as successful, self-sufficient adults, while others are completely dependent?
Last time i let someone stay on the couch they stayed for a while. If my brother pulled that, I point him to a hotel. My younger brother is the same way, but he has 2 kids. Without mommy/daddy he be completely screwed and so would the kids.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Sept 4, 2012 14:51:49 GMT -5
I would definitely let him know up front that if he gets a job in your city, he needs to have housing lined up by the end of the week. In the meantime, I would try to have fun with him, while making sure he doesn't get too comfortable. Plan some fun evenings, but then a make a lot of noise in the mornings while you're getting ready for work.
Does your brother have true aspirations? Do you think he could actually be capable of writing a novel?
The reason I ask is that I was the only one who believed in my brother. My parents did not support his dream. I knew he could do it, but he needed help until he landed his first real gig.
Is your brother a dreamer (with dreams that he can achieve)? Or is your brother a moocher?