I get along with my ex in front of our kids (5 and 7). He never calls or sees them other than his 48 hours of visitation per month (his choice, he lives 10 minutes away), so I think he's a crap father. My FI (together 4 years) is an awesome dad to them.
Ex said he got a save-the-date for my brother's wedding a few months ago. He said he was excited to come, and see our kids all dressed up (they're in the wedding). I asked my brother if he'd consider not inviting ex, and he said okay.
Then he never took ex's name off the list. Brother called me to say he screwed up and he's sorry but ex got an invite.
FI is upset - he's had a hard time proving himself to my parents/family and feels ex is always held on a pedestal despite how little he does for/with the kids. We all know that ex will make himself the center of attention with my family at the wedding.
I also feel like it's my brother's wedding, he is going to do what he wants, and we don't have a say at all. It was really hard for me to ask him to not invite ex in the first place, I just want to keep the peace.
Today FI says he will not go if ex goes (wedding is in two weeks). I'm all kinds of annoyed with this because I'm 9 months pregnant and don't need this stress, and my brother has included FI's daughter in the ceremony. I definitely feel FI should come with me no matter what, but am I really supposed to tell him to suck it up and just go?
I'm waiting to hear whether ex has actually RSVP'd yes to the wedding. If he has not, I plan to casually mention he's welcome to come early when we do pics and see the kids, just to confirm he's not actually coming.
Short of telling my ex "I don't want you to come to my brother's wedding" what can I do if he's planning to come (and bring his FI)? I don't talk to him at all, I never even offer info about the kids anymore because I just get upset and take it personally that he doesn't care. Ugh I hate drama. Thanks for any input.
I don't think there is anything you can do. It's too late, because invites have already gone out. Your brother made a mistake, and I'm not sure that I believe it was an accident that your ex was invited.
I think I would talk to your FI and make a compromise. He should attend, but he doesn't have to interact with your ex. Maybe take two cars so that he can leave if it gets to be too much?
Post by amberlyrose on Sept 4, 2012 14:36:12 GMT -5
Well, if your FI wants to prove to your family he's the man for the job, he needs to stop being a pansy and go. I understand he's hurt but his own daughter is in the wedding, you are having his child, and its his future family. For him not to go would be a big effin' deal.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
I don't think you can tell your Ex not to go this close to the wedding. I do think your FI should suck it up and go. Is it a big wedding where they can just avoid each other?
I think they should both be able to go and act like adults. It doesn't matter if Ex tries to make himself "the center of attention", most people will know the truth and even if they don't don't be petty like him.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 4, 2012 14:40:54 GMT -5
He should go. I mean, this is your future, right? Both your ex and FI will be invited to family events at certain points, I'd imagine. It seems pretty crappy to not go and not support you.
I mean, if your ex is the type to pick a fight with your FI, I'd understand, but otherwise, get over it.
Post by pedanticwench on Sept 4, 2012 14:40:58 GMT -5
Is your FI not going to attend events where your ex will be present, ever? Like, what about school functions for your kids? How about their graduations? Weddings?
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
Well, if your FI wants to prove to your family he's the man for the job, he needs to stop being a pansy and go. I understand he's hurt but his own daughter is in the wedding, you are having his child, and its his future family. For him not to go would be a big effin' deal.
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 4, 2012 14:45:27 GMT -5
He needs to suck it up and go. Does he not realize that he'll have to be in the same place at the same time as the father of the kids he's helping to raise? And probably more than once? Birthdays, kid events, school stuff, etc.
Your FI might be a better father than the real thing, but obviously it's not going to look good for him (or to the kids) if he can't get over himself enough to go to your brother's wedding. If your family thinks more of your deadbeat ex than your FI, then maybe you should ask yourself why.
Post by speckledfrog on Sept 4, 2012 14:46:21 GMT -5
Look at your FI and say something along the lines of, "This is not a competition. If my family can't see how great you are then they are fucking nuts. You are, hands down, a million times better than my ex. It's important to me that we all go to my brother's wedding as a family. I need your help and support with the kids. I know ex will be and attention grabbing douche because that's the way he is. Let's have fun anyway."
Post by laptopvixen on Sept 4, 2012 14:48:22 GMT -5
I see red flags.
Don't marry a guy who can't get along with your ex-husband (they don't have to be besties, but tolerant is not too much to expect) and don't marry a guy who can't suck it up for one day and act like a grown ass man.
FI can go or not go, its up to him not you. But if doesn't think it's really insulting to ditch the wedding for this, he's a fool.
The fact that you are PG and being forced to manage this boggles my mind. Stop it. He accepted an invitation, stop managing whether or not he follows thru.
I think it's mostly just FI's perception that Ex is held on a pedestal with my family. I really think my extended family is going to be like wtf is her ex here? Ex is younger, fun and has old stories to tell with my family, while FI is quieter, so every time there's a school/sports thing for the kids, Ex is running the show.
FI is taking it personally that my brother wants Ex at his wedding and doesn't care how he feels. I'm upset about it too but not THAT upset. Yeah, he is being a whiny bitch.
Thanks for the comments, I needed to hear it. I especially like what you have suggested, speckledfrog... thank you.
Everyone already made good points/ The other aspect to this- your FI really wants to give your ex this much power in your lives? Because that's what he's doing. "Here, ex, have all this power in our lives to keep US from being happy and going to a happy event as a family".
Your FI needs to realize it's not a competition. Your ex is your ex. He is who he is. He's more outgoing - so what?
And I really have to "ditto" - if your FI REALLY can't handle your ex, then he should have thought about that before being w/ you for 4 years AND having a child with you..
FI is taking it personally that my brother wants Ex at his wedding and doesn't care how he feels.
Maybe it's time to point out to your FI that abandoning his 9-months pregnant FI with three kids at a family wedding being attended by her ex is also a pretty good example of not caring how someone else feels.
Post by PinkSquirrel on Sept 4, 2012 15:12:11 GMT -5
I think your FI needs to suck it up and deal with it. If it was your and FI's wedding then he can make whatever kind of demands he wants, but he can't really do that at another person's wedding. Your brothers wedding isn't about your FI's feelings
It sounds like ex is held on a pedestal because FI is a whiney bitch. And he's just going to prove that they're sticking with the winning team when your FI can't ball-up, plaster a smile on his face and act like an adult for one night.
FI is taking it personally that my brother wants Ex at his wedding and doesn't care how he feels. I'm upset about it too but not THAT upset. Yeah, he is being a whiny bitch.
Whiny bitch for the win.
I highly doubt that your brother invited your ex to his wedding just so he could throw it in your FI's face. Self-involved much?
FI is taking it personally that my brother wants Ex at his wedding and doesn't care how he feels.
Maybe it's time to point out to your FI that abandoning his 9-months pregnant FI with three kids at a family wedding being attended by her ex is also a pretty good example of not caring how someone else feels.
Maybe it's time to point out to your FI that abandoning his 9-months pregnant FI with three kids at a family wedding being attended by her ex is also a pretty good example of not caring how someone else feels.
Actually, I think the BIL straight up sucks for inviting the Ex. He HAD to know that would make life awkward for his sister, and her fiance. He's the tooliest of the tool here.
That being said, there is nothing to do but suck it up and go.
Actually, I think the BIL straight up sucks for inviting the Ex. He HAD to know that would make life awkward for his sister, and her fiance. He's the tooliest of the tool here.
I do agree with this. But - what's done is done. It's on the FI now to man up.
FI is taking it personally that my brother wants Ex at his wedding and doesn't care how he feels.
Maybe it's time to point out to your FI that abandoning his 9-months pregnant FI with three kids at a family wedding being attended by her ex is also a pretty good example of not caring how someone else feels.