Meeting Someone When You Least Expect It

[achase123]

I'm always puzzled by the sentiment that people often have about "meeting someone when you least expect it, or when you stop looking". I've heard this so.many.times. Usually by people who are married or in a relationship. Maybe it's just the state of mind I'm in, but when I hear people say this it's like nails on a chalkboard. I liken it to when someone with four children tells someone who's been TTC for years that they need to "stop worrying about it and it will happen". It just seems insensitive and flippant.

I may be being far too sensitive here, but it almost seems like people who say this are viewing the other person as desperate in some way. Like they need to "stop looking" or stop caring about finding love before they can actually find it.

I know that I'm happy with my life. I don't spend every second wishing, hoping, and praying that I could find someone. I am happy and content on my own. But I do want to meet someone and get remarried someday. That feeling probably isn't going to go away anytime soon.

Anyone else run into this expression? What are your thoughts when you hear someone tell you this? I'm genuinely curious since many of us are not in relationships right now.

[Deleted]

Well I don't really run into this one specifically, but it's pretty clear to most of my friends and family that I'm not looking, but I can see how it's annoying.

The one I find REALLY annoying is "there's someone out there for you" or "Someday you'll meet the right guy." Ummm this is not a guarantee. It's highly likely that I WON'T meet someone.

However, I try not to let them bother me as I think people are generally coming from a good place. Sometimes people just don't know what to say and they are trying to be encouraging.

[Bernadine]

It's annoying, but I think it's just one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say. I haven't heard that one too much, but I used to heard "stop trying so hard and you'll get pg" alllllll the time.

[starburst604]

All the time when I was single and it drove me beserk. I felt like I was so ready for it to happen and I was never NOT looking for it or "expecting it". It kind of did actually happen for me at a time when I had no expectations but I still will never utter that phrase to a single woman.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:18:05 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Well I don't really run into this one specifically, but it's pretty clear to most of my friends and family that I'm not looking, but I can see how it's annoying.

The one I find REALLY annoying is "there's someone out there for you" or "Someday you'll meet the right guy." Ummm this is not a guarantee. It's highly likely that I WON'T meet someone.

However, I try not to let them bother me as I think people are generally coming from a good place. Sometimes people just don't know what to say and they are trying to be encouraging.

I completely agree. I don't think it's meant to be intentionally rude or anything like that. I just bristle a little when I hear things like this because it almost feels like they're implying that if you're single it's something negative, or it's somehow through fault of your own.

One of my best friends sometimes comes across this way and I KNOW she doesn't mean to at all. She's been with her husband now for close to six years and they're expecting a baby. But before she met him she was single for a few years and it was a hard time for her. I remember the rolls were reversed for us and I was married to XH. Several times I remember her having too much to drink and breaking down crying because she was lonely and worried she wouldn't meet someone. I just think it's hard for her to remember those times because they were few and far between, and because she's in such a different place now.

I'm positive that she would be thrilled for me if I were to meet someone great for me and P, it's just that sometimes she really doesn't know what to say when I am feeling a little blue. Shoot, I probably said almost the same thing to her when she was sad a few years ago.

[starburst604]

Sept 4, 2012 16:18:32 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

It's annoying, but I think it's just one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say. I haven't heard that one too much, but I used to heard "stop trying so hard and you'll get pg" alllllll the time.

Yeah it's just another pointless comment along the lines of "everything happens for a reason".

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:22:02 GMT -5 mp said:

I think it's annoying - partly because then why are SO many people doing things like online dating? It makes me feel for a brief moment like a jackass for actually being proactive in finding companionship. I'm ok without a man, for sure. But I enjoy the company and would one day like to get remarried. And I don't think there's any shame in knowing that and pursuing it in a healthy way.

I completely agree with this. I go back and forth. Sometimes I want to just sit back and see what happens, and other times I want to "help things along" through avenues such as online dating. I see nothing wrong with online dating at all, or dating in general, provided you are in a healthy place to actually be in a relationship.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:22:50 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Sept 4, 2012 16:18:32 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

It's annoying, but I think it's just one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say. I haven't heard that one too much, but I used to heard "stop trying so hard and you'll get pg" alllllll the time.

Yeah it's just another pointless comment along the lines of "everything happens for a reason".

Ugh, the "everything happens for a reason" one gets me going too. Is there really a reason why I had to go through a virtual hell with XH and go through my pregnancy alone only to find out that he was doing drugs and cheating? What would be the "reason" behind all of that?

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:21:35 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

All the time when I was single and it drove me beserk. I felt like I was so ready for it to happen and I was never NOT looking for it or "expecting it". It kind of did actually happen for me at a time when I had no expectations but I still will never utter that phrase to a single woman.

I think there's something to be said for having a busy, active, fulfilling life while being single. That healthy, positive energy makes you more attractive, for sure. However, I don't think that the idea of meeting someone has to be completely out of your mind in order for you to meet someone.

I honestly wonder how many people got into a relationship when they decided they didn't want one or were no longer looking at all. Like they could honestly say they were in a place where they didn't want to meet someone and then, "boom" the relationship landed in their lap. Just seems highly unusual to me.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:27:28 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 4, 2012 16:25:23 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Ugh, the "everything happens for a reason" one gets me going too. Is there really a reason why I had to go through a virtual hell with XH and go through my pregnancy alone only to find out that he was doing drugs and cheating? What would be the "reason" behind all of that?

Agreed. There are many other ways of overcoming adversity in life. I didn't need to put to the test that I now suffer from PTSD when I watch movies with male strippers, dammit!

I thought of you when I saw an e-card about "magic mike". Something about "I just want to watch the scene in Magic Mike where Channing Tatum dances to "My Pony" over and over again, is that too much to ask???" It was on Pinterest!

[cutter21]

I agree that it's something that people tend to say when they don't know what else to say. It definitely doesn't stop at finding someone- then it will turn to when are you going to get married, have kids, etc.

I find it most annoying when people press the issue. A personal example- BF and I have been dating for over 2 years and every one wants to know when we are getting married. We always explain that we're saving up as we will be paying for it and there are certain aspects of the wedding that we aren't willing to sacrifice in order to get married sooner. Every single person wants to tell us how we can do it cheaper or tells us about how they wish they had eloped or gone to the court house when they got married. It drives me insane, to the point I don't answer when people ask.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:30:39 GMT -5 @cutter21 said:

I agree that it's something that people tend to say when they don't know what else to say. It definitely doesn't stop at finding someone- then it will turn to when are you going to get married, have kids, etc.

I find it most annoying when people press the issue. A personal example- BF and I have been dating for over 2 years and every one wants to know when we are getting married. We always explain that we're saving up as we will be paying for it and there are certain aspects of the wedding that we aren't willing to sacrifice in order to get married sooner. Every single person wants to tell us how we can do it cheaper or tells us about how they wish they had eloped or gone to the court house when they got married. It drives me insane, to the point I don't answer when people ask.

Ugh, that's equally annoying. Basically the lesson here is people need to STFU, married or single, when it isn't any of their business.

[lovelybb]

Sept 4, 2012 16:25:23 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 4, 2012 16:22:50 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Yeah it's just another pointless comment along the lines of "everything happens for a reason".

Ugh, the "everything happens for a reason" one gets me going too. Is there really a reason why I had to go through a virtual hell with XH and go through my pregnancy alone only to find out that he was doing drugs and cheating? What would be the "reason" behind all of that?

Please do not take this wrong way at all... my comment is coming from a place of pure goodness. Maybe all of this happened to you in order to help you become the PHENOMENAL woman you are today? I'm sure you've learned some incredible lessons and you have probably touched so many other lives through your story and the strength you have. You've probably touched people that you will never know about...

Again, I don't mean to downplay the hell you went through...

[ECB]

Sept 4, 2012 16:29:00 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I honestly wonder how many people got into a relationship when they decided they didn't want one or were no longer looking at all. Like they could honestly say they were in a place where they didn't want to meet someone and then, "boom" the relationship landed in their lap. Just seems highly unusual to me.

Eh, it happened to me. I came back to college from a summer where I had a TON of fun. I was single and just having FUN being single. I really didn't care about meeting someone and getting into a relationship - and that's when I met DH.

BUT- I was in college. I think that's a time in anyone's life that's kind of unique!

The statement you're talking about - I hear what you're saying. I think, though, when people say it, it's more about just being really, fully happy w/ yourself and not 'needing' someone. It's not so much about not looking. It's about finding peace w/ yourself and your life and "if" someone walks into it, that's great, but if it doesn't happen right now, that's o.k. too.

However- doesn't make it any less annoying!

[starburst604]

Sept 4, 2012 16:30:39 GMT -5 @cutter21 said:

I agree that it's something that people tend to say when they don't know what else to say. It definitely doesn't stop at finding someone- then it will turn to when are you going to get married, have kids, etc.

I find it most annoying when people press the issue. A personal example- BF and I have been dating for over 2 years and every one wants to know when we are getting married. We always explain that we're saving up as we will be paying for it and there are certain aspects of the wedding that we aren't willing to sacrifice in order to get married sooner. Every single person wants to tell us how we can do it cheaper or tells us about how they wish they had eloped or gone to the court house when they got married. It drives me insane, to the point I don't answer when people ask.

People always have an opinion. When T's mom asked about our marriage plans and he told her he's saving for a ring she said something like "she's almost 37, just get a cheap ring and have a city hall wedding." I know it's not about the ring or wedding but just because I'm 37 I shouldn't have any of those things? Pout pout.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:42:07 GMT -5 lovelybb said:

Sept 4, 2012 16:25:23 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Ugh, the "everything happens for a reason" one gets me going too. Is there really a reason why I had to go through a virtual hell with XH and go through my pregnancy alone only to find out that he was doing drugs and cheating? What would be the "reason" behind all of that?

Please do not take this wrong way at all... my comment is coming from a place of pure goodness. Maybe all of this happened to you in order to help you become the PHENOMENAL woman you are today? I'm sure you've learned some incredible lessons and you have probably touched so many other lives through your story and the strength you have. You've probably touched people that you will never know about...

Again, I don't mean to downplay the hell you went through...

No, I don't take offense to that at all, and you probably DO have a good point! I know that what I've gone through has definitely made me stronger and I am glad I decided to blog about my story so that others could relate and hopefully learn from it as well.

thank you very much for your kind words

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 16:46:20 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

I hate it also... My BFF told me that when I was upset about that stupid guy I was emailing. She was like "just stop looking and it will happen". I actually told her that made no sense to me at all... Everything else in my life that I wanted I had to actively pursure.. why would a relationship be different? How could I possibly "just meet someone" when I work from home and barely ever interact with single men? She said she hadn't actually thought about that statement and that I was right... I can't really just stop looking

It's just annoying because most of my friends met their spouse when they were 20 or 21. They have all been together for about 11 or 12 years now.

Although sometimes it sucks to be single I am glad I didn't meet my person when I was 20! I have enjoyed all my sexual partners and wouldn't want to give up all my experiences. Both of my BFFs have only slept with 2 people and now that they are in their 30s I think they are regretting it... they keep telling me to have a threesome, etc.

I agree. I dated a ton when I was in my early twenties. I was hardly ever single, but when I was I hit it hard-haha! I was out every weekend both nights, super flirty with practically any guy I had class with, etc. It was a fun, carefree time when I had no responsibilities and there were tons of people who were single.

It's definitely a little different now being a mom and where most of my friends are in a different place (married with children). So sometimes I do feel like the odd one out. That being said, I have made some great memories in the time since XH and I split and had a TON of fun. More fun than I'd had in a long time because he was very controlling. In fact, this summer was one of the best ones I can ever remember!

[hobs209]

I think this phrase is really directed at women who come across as desperate and clingy and is a way of telling them to learn to be happy with themselves and not look for that out of another person. But it does always make me think of online dating. I'm not out searching for Mr. Right all the time, but I did join OkC so clearly I'm at least kind of looking for him somewhere.

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 17:01:27 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 4, 2012 16:42:44 GMT -5 ECB said:

Eh, it happened to me. I came back to college from a summer where I had a TON of fun. I was single and just having FUN being single. I really didn't care about meeting someone and getting into a relationship - and that's when I met DH.

BUT- I was in college. I think that's a time in anyone's life that's kind of unique!

The statement you're talking about - I hear what you're saying. I think, though, when people say it, it's more about just being really, fully happy w/ yourself and not 'needing' someone. It's not so much about not looking. It's about finding peace w/ yourself and your life and "if" someone walks into it, that's great, but if it doesn't happen right now, that's o.k. too.

However- doesn't make it any less annoying!

I met XH when I wasn't looking. I had just broken up with a bf the night before because I wasn't into him and XH was walking his dog and "boom". I wish I had kept on walking...

I joined that FB group "I wish I could go back to that moment I first met you...and walk away" haha! Although I wouldn't have the little man

[achase123]

Sept 4, 2012 17:00:46 GMT -5 hobs209 said:

I think this phrase is really directed at women who come across as desperate and clingy and is a way of telling them to learn to be happy with themselves and not look for that out of another person. But it does always make me think of online dating. I'm not out searching for Mr. Right all the time, but I did join OkC so clearly I'm at least kind of looking for him somewhere.

I agree and maybe that's why it strikes a nerve for me. I don't think I'm desperate or clingy and I don't want anyone to perceive me that way just because I'm interested in meeting someone. I want to meet the RIGHT one, not just anyone, and there's a huge difference, KWIM?

[hobs209]

Sept 4, 2012 17:08:07 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 4, 2012 17:00:46 GMT -5 hobs209 said:

I think this phrase is really directed at women who come across as desperate and clingy and is a way of telling them to learn to be happy with themselves and not look for that out of another person. But it does always make me think of online dating. I'm not out searching for Mr. Right all the time, but I did join OkC so clearly I'm at least kind of looking for him somewhere.

I agree and maybe that's why it strikes a nerve for me. I don't think I'm desperate or clingy and I don't want anyone to perceive me that way just because I'm interested in meeting someone. I want to meet the RIGHT one, not just anyone, and there's a huge difference, KWIM?

Oh I completely agree. I think, like many of those phrases, it is over-generalized and comes across poorly a lot of the time.

[blackkitty]

Ugh I hate this saying with a passion! The truth is NO ONE knows when/ if/ how you are going to meet "the one" or if there even is a "the one" for anyone!
People just say that because they are stupid.
You could meet the right guy for you tomorrow or you could meet him 50 years from know. WHO KNOWS?
Sure there are steps you can take to increase your odds by "putting yourself out there" but it's all a crap shoot.

[doriswe]

I guess I don't have the same gut reaction you guys do, because it doesn't bother me at all. Can I see why you might feel it's demeaning, absolutely, but I've never heard it directed at me in a negative way.

Much like Hobs, I think it's often said to those who are completely focused (i.e. obsessed) with finding "the one". You know the girls who are ALWAYS on the hunt for the prince to sweep her off her feet and it's said as a nice way to tell them "slow the flock down, you're looking desperate"!

I also think it's one of those things said to remind us that we have no control over certain things. Obviously, we all had plans for our lives and life (and potentially stupid X's) interrupted those plans.

[cemacmil]

Sept 4, 2012 17:08:07 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 4, 2012 17:00:46 GMT -5 hobs209 said:

I think this phrase is really directed at women who come across as desperate and clingy and is a way of telling them to learn to be happy with themselves and not look for that out of another person. But it does always make me think of online dating. I'm not out searching for Mr. Right all the time, but I did join OkC so clearly I'm at least kind of looking for him somewhere.

I agree and maybe that's why it strikes a nerve for me. I don't think I'm desperate or clingy and I don't want anyone to perceive me that way just because I'm interested in meeting someone. I want to meet the RIGHT one, not just anyone, and there's a huge difference, KWIM?

I pretty much agree with the above when it comes to the statement/comment. But people do use it more as a statement/truth I find - which is weird.

I am also in the club of I had a bad rebound date the night before I met XH - so I was in the screw guys I'm done mood. So when I met XH that is the exact phrase that went through my head "when you least expect it" blah blah...like I had been brain-washed.

Also my first main attraction was that he physically and some of his interests (baseball, camping...very common I know) reminded me of a guy I really liked as well who wasn't available at the time.

So he was a very "Mr. Right Now" not the right guy for me. Now that I have had a basically healthy relationship with someone who I was friends with first, it didn't work out the way we both wished, but we remain friends and truly have each other's best interests in mind.....it helps define the right and the now. The now part is a need, not a want.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 4, 2012 18:58:54 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I guess I don't have the same gut reaction you guys do, because it doesn't bother me at all. Can I see why you might feel it's demeaning, absolutely, but I've never heard it directed at me in a negative way.

Much like Hobs, I think it's often said to those who are completely focused (i.e. obsessed) with finding "the one". You know the girls who are ALWAYS on the hunt for the prince to sweep her off her feet and it's said as a nice way to tell them "slow the flock down, you're looking desperate"!

I also think it's one of those things said to remind us that we have no control over certain things. Obviously, we all had plans for our lives and life (and potentially stupid X's) interrupted those plans.

:Y: I agree. And I don't mind the phrase at all because I have found it to be true for myself a lot. It's when I'm happy and healthy just being me that I meet a guy. I think the intention is not to say "don't bother looking," but to say "focus on enjoying your own life, and the rest will fall into place." Because it will. If you're hell-bent on finding a man, and you never do, you'll be disappointed. If you're hell-bent on enjoying your life, and you find a man, bonus! But if you don't, well, you're still enjoying your life, KWIM?

[drtouble]

I do believe all things happen for a reason. It wasn't until I came to terms that my marriage was over that I realized how truly unhappy I was. I've been dating a great guy now for the past 3 months.....and have quickly realized how unhappy I was with my XH. Our relationship wasn't great and was truly a huge stressor for me. Now I've got a guy who I enjoy spending time with.

[Deleted]

I agree w/ ECB. It also happened to me, but I think of it more as when you get to a place where you are fully happy w/ who you are and accepting of yourself is when you're ready to find someone who is also in that same place. If you force it when you aren't in a healthy place with yourself then I think you will find a relationship that isn't healthy. Like attracts like.

I get that the saying can be annoying and sometimes hurtful though because it doesn't apply to everyone. Over generalizing someone into what worked for someone else is never the answer, but people give you advice based on their experience and that's the best they can do. I think we as a society tend to want to fix things or say things that will make it look like the situation is fixed rather than accepting a situation for being "messy" with no real resolve right now. If that makes sense.

[jojoandleo]

I ABHOR "Everything happens for a reason." Oh really? Those children molested by Sandusky, there was a reason for that? How about when I punch you in the face? The reason for that is that you are an asshole.

[achase123]

Yah, maybe I just don't like it directed at me, because I know I am happy with the place that I am at, and am not desperate to meet someone, BUT I would LIKE to meet someone. I think there's a huge difference. I don't think that a knight in shining armor needs to come and save me, but there was a time where I did think and feel this way, I'm kind of ashamed to admit.

I also agree that sometimes people say things like that when they don't know what else to say and they're attempting to be comforting/helpful.