Guys... I want to cry :(

[ravenb1111]

I'd be due 40 days from now. I don't know why it hit me so hard today. I've been doing pretty good but I'm an emotional mess today. I'm just thinking about how I'd have a kid before the holidays ( not that, that should make a difference but it's like this year coulda have been a first Halloween/ Christmas/ new year and so on) but its not and I really hate myself today for this. I just want to feel better but honestly I don't even deserve to feel better. I really messed up and now I'm paying for it. It's more a vent or idk what this is honestly...

[formerlyak]

Can you remind us your backstory and why you feel you don't deserve to feel better about this? What did you do to mess up so bad?

But I will say that I had a miscarriage 3 years ago last month and a few weeks later I found out about my ex's affair that eventually ended our marriage. When that date rolls around it still stings a bit. Now because I miss ex or want him back, but because that was a really hard time in my life and losing a pregnancy is never easy. I am also getting closer to 40 and would like to have another child so the miscarriage makes me wonder if I will be able to have a healthy pregnancy or if it was a sign of things to come.

[ravenb1111]

I choose not to keep the baby for many reason.. This is why I feel like I deserve this, I did this to my self. Im just hurting so bad right now with the descion I made.

[ravenb1111]

Sept 4, 2012 17:30:33 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

We all make decisions that we feel are the right ones at the time. Try not to beat yourself up. You did what was best at the time. You'll have a chance at a happy family and get those holidays with a baby. Counseling? (hugs)

I'm trying not too but it's so hard. And even though in my head I know it's not even about the holidays, I think it's what triggered it. We have alot of little kids in our family and all parents so happy and picking out their first costumes and already getting some holiday gifts and part of me is like shouldn't that be me? but it's not and it's hurting.

[formerlyak]

Sept 4, 2012 17:32:50 GMT -5 @ravenb1111 said:

I choose not to keep the baby for many reason.. This is why I feel like I deserve this, I did this to my self. Im just hurting so bad right now with the descion I made.

I do not know if you chose to abort or gave the baby up, but I can tell you that if you felt it was best at the time, it probably was. My dad was adopted. He left the hospital with his adoptive parents -- it was a private arrangement that his birth mother and their lawyers worked out. He never knew his birth mother, and he has never really had a desire to meet her. However, he did say once that he might like to meet her not to have a relationship with her but to tell her thank you for making a very hard decision and giving him the best life she could have given him. He said that if his birth mother didn't feel like she could provide the life she wanted for him, he is glad she found an alternative in his adoptive parents.

[achase123]

I'm so sorry

[Deleted]

I'm sorry

[ravenb1111]

Thanks guys... I just don't know what to do at this very moment to take my mind off it.. Running just let me zone into it more.

[doriswe]

Counseling?? I believe there are some toll-free numbers to call for someone to talk to.

[ravenb1111]

I don't like the hot lines... I'm not a phone person. And I have one friend who I can talk to but she's not the best to talk to. Think I'm going to get some wine.. Chinese and a movie.. But I shouldn't be turning to drinking and eating for comfort you know?

[jessuhmarie]

Just because you chose not to keep the baby doesn't mean you deserve to feel badly. I'm sorry that you're grieving. I can't even imagine how you feel.

[margaritagirl]

So incredibly sorry. I sent a PM to you...hugs.

[cemacmil]

Sorry you are going through this. Maybe you will be back there on your own terms someday - to quote Juno.

[roselis]

Raven, YGPM