Post by mrsukyankee on Jun 23, 2016 8:04:54 GMT -5
It's no exaggeration to say that Game of Thrones has taken over America. But what if the massively popular HBO series was America?
For the past few weeks, we've spent an inordinate amount of time arguing about which Game of Thrones character best represents each state in our great union. We factored in the stereotypes, politics, weather, celebrities, and other things associated with these United States of America to bring you what we swear, on the Old Gods and the New, is the perfect, unassailable lineup. So pay attention, because this list is dark and full of terrors.
Alabama Lancel Lannister Irrationally religious, with a scandalous past.
Alaska The Night's King Few people believe he's real, seems to have a lot of secrets, and will straight up murder you if you're unprepared.
Arizona Jaime Lannister Tan. From elsewhere originally. Would definitely leave in the seventh inning of a Diamondbacks game to beat traffic.
Arkansas Gilly Smarter than she looks, and yet: still a hillbilly dating a fat guy with a scraggly beard.
California King Tommen Baratheon Blond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy with said power, impressed by girls' boobs and wacky religions.
Colorado Jorah Mormont Athletic, secretly wealthy, with a sun-tanned, weathered face. Incessantly trying to sleep with a younger woman.
Delaware That guy Ned Stark executes in the pilot No one remembers that Delaware is the first state either.
Florida "Mad" King Aerys II Targaryen Senile, wealthy, paranoid, prone to random outbursts of insanity. Pretty confident that he will eventually turn into a dragon.
Georgia Janos Slynt Does not do well in cold weather.
Idaho Mance Rayder An anti-big government Libertarian with his own militia.
Illinois Varys A fan of back-room dealings, can't feel testicles for much of the year (on account of the cold weather, OK?!?).
Indiana Catelyn Stark Wholesome, family-oriented, yet prone to terrible lapses in judgment (see: continuing devotion to Bobby Knight).
Iowa Brynden "Blackfish" Tully Unimpressed by city folk, scarily pragmatic, has a nickname that somehow involves fishing.
Kentucky Khal Drogo Fond of horses, elaborate headwear, and skinny blonde women who've seen some shit.
Louisiana Robert Baratheon Hedonistic party animal, passionate hunter, often drinks things he shouldn't.
Maine Euron Greyjoy Wildly unpredictable, good on the water, has weirdly blue lips (from the delicious blueberries).
Maryland Davos Seaworth His name sounds the most like "Old Bay."
Massachusetts Theon Greyjoy The Iron Islands are basically a thinly veiled version of Weymouth.
Michigan Arya Stark Doesn't like it when her people get dissed. Has a whole other side you wouldn't expect.
Minnesota Bran Stark Serious and contemplative, has intense and prophetic winter dreams, loves wolves, enjoys getting piggyback rides.
Mississippi The High Sparrow Intolerantly religious, but folksy as hell. Er, heck.
Missouri Edmure Tully Uncomfortably connected to another place, mostly resigned to its fate. Hometown is on a major river.
Montana The Mountain Big, brutish, monosyllabic, but beautiful in a way. Plus I'm pretty sure Montana means Mountain-ah.
Nebraska Brienne of Tarth She should just call her sword "Winter Wheat."
Nevada Daenerys Targaryen Dragons are Vegas: showy and unpredictable spectacle THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU IN A TREMENDOUS BALL OF FIRE. Or whatever.
New Hampshire Stannis Baratheon Mostly cold, but internally convinced he has a power no one else really sees.
New Jersey Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger Lurks on the outskirts of and envious of great power, and always gives off the vibe that he's about to do something unseemly.
New Mexico Melisandre Much respect for fires. New-agey. Alternates between breathtaking exquisite beauty and some secretly quite ugly parts.
New York Tyrion Lannister Thinks he's smarter than everyone else, drinks too much, jam-packs a lot of conflicting things into a small space. Has tendency to confront people on the toilet.
North Carolina Margaery Tyrell Very pretty and charming and at least pretends to be God-fearing. Definitely hiding something.
North Dakota Benjen Stark Could have never come back and no one would have noticed except consipracy theorists. His hands are SO COLD.
Ohio Walder Frey Power-player due in large part to central geographical position near major rivers. Sneaky bastard but bizarrely influential. Holds grudges. Oh wow does he hold grudges.
Oklahoma Lysa Arryn She's crazy like an F5 tornado and those strict alcohol laws that result in weak beer. All things being equal, she'd sooner (get it?) push you out the moon door. (Oklahoma was tough, OK?)
Oregon Ygritte Effortlessly feminist. Not too concerned about hygiene. Unnaturally gifted at a mostly useless skill.
Pennsylvania Robb Stark Stubborn, hot-headed, from an old house. Had brotherly love. A Penn State kind of guy thrust into a U. Penn kind of world.
Rhode Island Lyanna Mormont SO SMALL, SO FIERY. Only has 62 men.
South Carolina Balon Greyjoy Fiercely independent, attempts to break away from the other places. Not happy about the fact that his son ends up living in the North.
South Dakota Ned Stark Actively seems to enjoy the cold. Honorable in a somewhat tragic way. Famous for having a head separated from his body and placed next to other heads for people to gawk at.
Tennessee Tormund Giantsbane A little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll. Has a show beard. Likely already the name of a band in Nashville anyway.
Texas Cersei Lannister Aesthetically pleasing debutante, comes from a ton of money. Can be hateful, and you don't want to mess with her, but also pretty great if you're on her side. Has no problem going it alone.
Utah Craster It just works too well -- sorry, Utahns!
Vermont The Children of the Forest Damn hippies.
Virginia Olenna Tyrell Abides by no bullshit, says sassy things. Has pleasing accent even when verbally ripping you apart. Keeps nice gardens. Southern.
Washington Jon Snow On a border but pivotal. Doesn't see a ton of nice weather. Sad a lot. So Microsoft. So grunge.
West Virginia The Hound Cast aside by larger brother, left for dead, keeps coming back. Bad experiences with mountains.
Wisconsin Samwell Tarly Portly, well educated, enjoys cheese. Comes from family of hunters but hates to hunt. Had to fend off a White Walker with a piece of dragonglass.
Wyoming Tywin Lannister Cold as hell, but cunning. Old, but still handsome. Definitely would shoot someone in the face while hunting, then blame it on that person. Always pays its debts.
Texas Cersei Lannister Aesthetically pleasing debutante, comes from a ton of money. Can be hateful, and you don't want to mess with her, but also pretty great if you're on her side. Has no problem going it alone.
Stannis Baratheon Mostly cold, but internally convinced he has a power no one else really sees.
Oklahoma
Lysa Arryn She's crazy like an F5 tornado and those strict alcohol laws that result in weak beer. All things being equal, she'd sooner (get it?) push you out the moon door. (Oklahoma was tough, OK?) (Seriously. Hard to pack all that crazy into one person.)
California
King Tommen Baratheon Blond and easily duped, powerful but clumsy with said power, impressed by girls' boobs and wacky religions.
Nevada
Daenerys Targaryen Dragons are Vegas: showy and unpredictable spectacle THAT WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU IN A TREMENDOUS BALL OF FIRE. Or whatever.
Kentucky, Indiana and TN are killing me dead. Also Washington. Spot on. Alabama and Lancel made me lmao too.
Y'all can just refer to me as Tormund Giantsbane from now on, since I'm in TN. And I bet Khal Drogo would be really good at basketball, so of course UK should get him.
These are really good! Also, holy hell there are a lot of characters.
Wisconsin Samwell Tarly Portly, well educated, enjoys cheese. Comes from family of hunters but hates to hunt. Had to fend off a White Walker with a piece of dragonglass.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime. Mark Twain