If you've lost a pet before, please help me think

[Deleted]

So, both of my dogs died in the last 6 weeks. It's been rough. I'm doing as well as expected, I guess. I'm sad but I know that's the deal you make when you have pets so I'm working on moving forward.

My knee jerk reaction is that I don't want any other dogs, ever. Or at least not for a very long time. My second dog death was very sudden and happened while we were halfway across the world, and I have a lot of guilt about not being there for her and I imagine that will translate to future fear of leaving other pets.

But being home is SO sad. I know part of it is because I am missing MY dogs, but I wonder if part of it is that I don't have any dogs at all. No dog will ever replace them, but I wonder if someday having another dog to love will brighten up our home. I just miss the joy that comes with walking in the door and laughing over the goofy stuff they do. Singing little songs with their names it them. Etc. I mean it's only been a few days so I know it will get easier. But I wonder if it will stop feeling like there is a hole in our home without a pet.

I know I'm not ready for another dog RIGHT NOW.  But we've been talking about moving somewhere else (my idea) since we don't have pets anymore. I feel like we're really overpaying for our place and I was willing to accept that because not many places take big dogs, but now that we don't have dogs I'd really like to have a dishwasher again and not have to take care of a yard we're not using. We need to decide this week if we're moving because our lease is up the end of July.

So now I'm waffling. I can't really know how I'll feel 6 months from now about getting another dog. If we move, that means we can't get any more pets for at least 2 years (we would want to stay at least 2 years). The emotional part of me doesn't want a dog anytime soon because I don't want to go through this again. But what if that changes?

All that to say - if you've lost a pet before, how did you feel about the above? How did you feel immediately vs long term? Did you end up getting other pets and how did that go? 

[mich1]

I've done both.

I lost my cat not long before I was planning on moving. I deliberately waited until after I was moved and established before getting another.

Then a couple years ago, I lost my Gizzy. This was the cat that stuck to me like glue while I was sooooo sick, and he was a tremendous comfort. I would have replaced him the same day, but the humane society was closed.

I look at it as there are so many animals that need good homes, and the sooner I get one in, the sooner I can make a change in at least one animal's life. Sheldon is my 5th cat I've had as an adult, and it never gets easier to lose them. But if the alternative is not not to have pets at all because it hurts so much to lose one, then that isn't acceptable to me. I need my fuzzbutt!

[tiffany81]

When I lost my first dog, I was devastated. I wanted to wait a few years before getting another one. It took like 2 or 3 months before I stopped crying every day over him. The silent house killed me. But over time, I was okay. And after a few years, I was really ready to love another dog. Now I have an 11 month old dog who is perfect for me and my son. I used the time between to grieve my first dog, enjoy the benefits of being dog-free, and plan for my future dog.

If you're on the fence, get the cheaper place.

I'm so sorry about your loss. ((hugs))

[lolalolalola]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had 2 cats, and one passed away a few years ago. The second one is pretty old and sick now. I am sure we will get another pair of cats once she passes. As much as they were individuals and their places cannot be taken, I just can't imagine my home without cats in it. Won't feel like a home to me you know?

hugs.

[Pom]

Jun 23, 2016 10:12:29 GMT -5 mich1 said:

 

I look at it as there are so many animals that need good homes, and the sooner I get one in, the sooner I can make a change in at least one animal's life. 

I agree with mich1.  I also think, once a pet owner, always the desire to be one.  You might not be ready right now, but I wouldn't want to not have that option when you are ready.

I am very sorry for your losses.  (hugs)

[womet]

Take some time to grieve.

I say go for getting a new place. While it's only 2 years, the time will go quickly.

[mam677]

I am so sorry for your losses. Maybe in the short-term you could foster a dog? That way you have a dog in the home but you're not making a lifetime commitment. Plus, you would really help out a rescue organization and help socialize/train the dog.

[Noblegirl]

Growing up on a farm, I've experienced more than my fair share of pet love and heartache.

Every time we've lost a dog we've said, "I'm never getting another dog". This was true when I was a kid living at my parents house and after DH and I lost our first dog. Our current dog is only 6 right now, but he'sick with bone cancer, so I know the end is near. I know when he passes we'll again say, "We're never getting another dog."

But then one day, your heart heals enough to love again. You are willing to accept the potential heartache for the joy that a dog brings into your life. It might take a few weeks, or it might take a few months, but anyone who looks back on their pets with enjoyment and fond memories will get another one.

[Nonny]

I think this is one of those questions that is always going to be hard to answer and is going to depend on a lot of things.

We had two cats, and one of them disappeared, and it took me about a year before I was ready to get another second cat. I might have felt differently if I didn't sill have the first cat, but I needed that time to mourn her loss and accept that she was really gone and wasn't going to just turn back up.

One of my good friends had one dog that she had to put to sleep, and she immediately got another (senior) dog (like, maybe a week or two later), followed a few months later by a second senior dog, followed a few months after that by a third senior dog. I know she has zero regrets about getting those dogs so quickly after the passing of her first dog.

I think it works out either way.

[ladyk]

One thing I'd keep in mind: what happens after the 2 years? Will you need to move again? Could you find a place that would work with a small(er) dog? Would you want a small(er) dog? Some people aren't into small dogs like Bostons but a 40 pound spaniel mix might work.

For me, I am not home enough to have a pup but I really would like one. I have cats and really see myself always having them.

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2016 12:25:03 GMT -5 ladyk said:

One thing I'd keep in mind: what happens after the 2 years? Will you need to move again? Could you find a place that would work with a small(er) dog? Would you want a small(er) dog? Some people aren't into small dogs like Bostons but a 40 pound spaniel mix might work.

For me, I am not home enough to have a pup but I really would like one. I have cats and really see myself always having them.

In 2 years, FI will be doing a year long internship, so it's kind of up in the air what that means. Likely we'll move out of state, and we may move again after the internship is done (I hope not, but it's too far away to tell). So, I definitely have concerns about renting in the future with dogs too. I am thinking we may go with smaller dogs for this reason (if we get dogs at all).

I think the smart thing, really, would be to wait 4-5 years until everything is settled and we're in a place permanently (potentially one we own). But that's a long time too. I guess my issue right now is trying to predict how I will feel in the time in between now and then

[dr.girlfriend]

I had two dogs that both passed away within a year of each other, although they were 15 and 16 so it was not unexpected. I took a year or so to do some things I had wanted to do but had put off because of the dogs -- we wanted to renovate our kitchen, but one of the dogs was blind and I didn't think could cope with having her usual paths blocked off, etc. About a year later, we got a new puppy. I will admit that it took me a lot longer to bond with the new dog than with my old ones. Part of that may be that when I got my original dogs I was single and in grad school, so had plenty of time for cuddling and dog walking and bonding. With the new dog I'm working full-time with a kid, and so there was less time to just interact. But, now she is an integral part of the family, and I still love having a dog in the house. I want another, but DH is not a dog person so we're compromising on the one. :-)

I am also very much in favor of rescuing dogs, and I think that helps in the decision making because you know you're giving this dog a chance where they might not have had one otherwise. My coworkers both rescued 1-year-old dogs and had a *very* easy time of it...the dogs were so calm and low-maintenance compared to my crazy-ass puppy! (Which I was prepared going in, but preferred a puppy because I thought it was a better interaction with the kid).  Plus, a grown dog is not as much of a gamble with the weight limit...most apartments in my city either have a one-dog or 50-pound weight limit, and so I was limited to basically one apartment building with my two 70-pound dogs.

[Wanderista]

I'm really sorry.

One of my family's dogs died at the beginning of the year - actually on NYE. This was a dog that I'd grown up with and it was kind of snapping a thread from my youth. I'm now living in a wonderful building that doesn't allow pets. Until that changes, I'm not going to have a pet but I always love animals and I relate to them. I love cats and dogs equally but getting a new pet is not on the table until my lifestyle changes. My boyfriend prefers cats. I think that if we move to somewhere pet-friendly then that will be something we would look into.

As much as I love dogs, I won't get one unless and until I'm comfortable with the lifestyle for the dog that I would provide. I would need to live somewhere with lower density.

I think you should move if you really want to and then see where you are in two years. You could volunteer with a shelter as a way of feeling better. I have done that, though mostly with cats. If you feel like you need time then give it to yourself even if you decide not to move. You'll know when or if you are ready for a new pet.

[doglove]

I agree, take some time to grieve. There is a lot of sadness coming home to an empty house. I opted to volunteer at local shelters to help dogs in need when I was grieving and also when I was at a healthy stage of grief, I started to foster pups in need. Those are things you can do to help dogs and be around them without making any commitments to them.

[steph96]

In the meantime, could you volunteer at animal shelters so that you can get a bit of dog time? Maybe pet sit?

[magpie]

I'm really sorry. I knew I'd want another dog eventually when my dog passed away, but it took me about 6 months to be ready and even then, I think I had a harder time bonding with my new dog. I love her, but she's super different than my old dog and she's super bonded to my H, not me (my old dog was MY velcro dog). In my case, I had years of watching my old dog's health slowly decline to prepare for his death though. It was still so emotional and difficult and I cried every day for months. I was anxious to get another dog in the house (to me, a house doesn't feel like home without a dog), but in hindsight, I think waiting a few years would have been fine too, especially given your circumstances.

[aurora]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In the short term, is the price difference enough that it would make a substantial difference in your life? For example I might be fine paying an additional $50/month to keep my options open but not $500 (unless I was sure).

Gah, this is such a MM answer!

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2016 14:25:08 GMT -5 aurora said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In the short term, is the price difference enough that it would make a substantial difference in your life? For example I might be fine paying an additional $50/month to keep my options open but not $500 (unless I was sure).

Gah, this is such a MM answer!

Haha. This is MM, so that's ok!

The price difference would be negligible actually - I'm looking at places within $50 less to $50 more than what we pay right now. Our current rent is less than 20% of our take home pay so we can definitely afford to stay. 

The problem is that we've accepted a pretty run down, outdated place for the same price we could pay for a nicer place with better amenities. I'm dying to have a dishwasher again. I would love to have a garage and/or fireplace. Our closets don't have doors on them. We can get something with all of that, plus a little more square footage, for basically the same price as what we pay now - plus we hate yardwork and it doesn't seem worth it to keep up with that if we aren't benefiting from a yard for the dogs. We really don't use the yard otherwise.

Ugh. IDK I mean we could stay where we are just fine. I just never would have picked this place if it wasn't for the dogs. It's too bad it's crunch time to make a decision. I wish we could wait a few months and evaluate then.

[liveintheville]

We lost 2 cats and the dog within 2 years. As soon as my favorite and second cat died we adopted 2 more cats. When the dog passed we waited a couple of years.

[tacom]

I am so sorry for your losses. I can't give advice because I've never been in your shoes. Big hugs and I hope you guys figure out what's right for you.

[drloretta]

When we got married, we had 3 cats. 2 died within weeks of each other, and it was rough. But we still had the last one. He died 2 years ago.

On the one hand, I would LOVE to have another pet in the house. I enjoyed having them, then him, around.

On the other hand, I LOVE not dealing with daily vacuuming, not having to pay for boarding when we travel, not dealing with pet food and vet bills, not worrying about which door in the house is open or closed, etc.

We have decided that we will get a dog in a couple of years. DD will be 8, we will have time to build a decent fence, and we'll be ready.

Every time I try to tempt DH with pictures of cute dogs, he says not yet. I can live with that.

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2016 16:19:25 GMT -5 @sfgal530 said:

@buckybells , I'm just so sorry for your loss. A pet is truly a cherished part of family, and losing them is the worst.

I can't speak to your feelings personally; I just know that my house doesn't feel right without a dog in it. I've lost three dogs, and every time I've lost them I've been devastated. I've thought I would never love another dog as much as I loved them. But the truth is, I do - because my new dogs aren't replacements for my old dogs, they're just loving little animals who need affection and attention and companionship. Right now we have three little dogs and all three of them are wonderful in their own ways - I really couldn't pick a favorite (except that one is totally a momma's boy and is so attached to me that I notice when he's not around). My H thought he would never be able to love another dog as much as our first dog - and thought we were crazy for getting a second (and then a third) - but I think it's kind of like having kids: you love them each for their individual selves, and you are constantly amazed at how much room you have in your heart to love.

Of course, the really crappy part about a dog is that you know you're setting yourself up for heartbreak down the road because you expect them to pass before you do. But, would you trade the heartbreak you have now for the time you had with your past two dogs? I'm fairly certain you wouldn't. So I just try to not think about the future, enjoy each and every day with my pups now, and feel thankful that I have had the days / weeks / months / years I've had with them.

I also wouldn't live your life in fear - I understand how guilty you must feel having been away from your dog when s/he passed, but trust that they knew they were loved. You gave them a lifetime of happiness, so don't beat yourself up over that. If you get another dog, you still have to live your life, and that animal will understand. They'll just be happy for the companionship you do show them. It is so hard for me to leave my little guys when we travel, but I just remind myself that my dogs would rather have me most of the time than not at all, and life shouldn't be one dimensional in any facet.

Big hugs to you!

Oh, you - and a few others - might be convincing me. lol. I wouldn't trade the happy times I had with them to avoid feeling sad now. They were worth it, even with the heartbreak.

Maybe we should just stay put and see how we feel down the road. I'm so conflicted!

[love1999]

So sorry for your loss When we lost our cat a year and a half ago, we only made it a week before we adopted a pair. Having new cats to focus on and love helped ease the pain. I couldn't take the silence and emptiness in the house.

[keweenawlove]

Hugs again. There's no replacing pets but there's always more love to share when the time is right.

Have you looked into any dog friendly apartments or condos? It might be a good fit for you to upgrade your place a little bit but still keep the dog open for a dog someday. We had a nice 2br condo not too far from where you're living now for a resonable price. I can't say I'd recommend a 3rd floor unit with a dog but the ground floor ones can give you a little bit of "yard" without the actual yard work.

[theblissisback]

I'm no help..but I'm sorry for your loss.

Do you have friends you could dog sit for? That might be a nice way to get puppy love.

You can also be a dog walker or something in your new potential cities.

Or volunteer at the humane society.

Point is, you don't have to do anything right now. Feel. Mourn. Grieve. Then make a decision.

[LoveTrains]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm still beyond devestated after losing my dog in April. Take your time but I know what you mean about the house feeling empty.

[AAM2012]

Bucky, I am very sorry for both of your losses. Please know that your feelings are completely normal and understand that you will NEVER forget but it DOES get easier.

If the price isn't much of a difference I vote that you move to a place that you will enjoy (ummmm dishwasher is mandatory!). If down the road things change and you want another dog (big, little, doesn't matter..) you can cross that bridge when it comes. (((((Many hugs)))))

[audry80]

I am so sorry. We lost my dog, Sammy, a couple months ago to adrenal cancer. He had perfect blood work six months prior so I can relate to the sudden loss.

I can't imagine loving a dog more than Sammy but I also can't imagine my life without a dog in it. Our plan is to wait a year and then start looking to adopt.

[ESF]

I'm really sorry. I have no advice but I wanted to offer my hugs as I know how much you loved your dogs and what a good parent you were to them. Take care of yourself.

[awick14]

Jun 23, 2016 16:31:07 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Jun 23, 2016 16:19:25 GMT -5 @sfgal530 said:

@buckybells , I'm just so sorry for your loss. A pet is truly a cherished part of family, and losing them is the worst.

I can't speak to your feelings personally; I just know that my house doesn't feel right without a dog in it. I've lost three dogs, and every time I've lost them I've been devastated. I've thought I would never love another dog as much as I loved them. But the truth is, I do - because my new dogs aren't replacements for my old dogs, they're just loving little animals who need affection and attention and companionship. Right now we have three little dogs and all three of them are wonderful in their own ways - I really couldn't pick a favorite (except that one is totally a momma's boy and is so attached to me that I notice when he's not around). My H thought he would never be able to love another dog as much as our first dog - and thought we were crazy for getting a second (and then a third) - but I think it's kind of like having kids: you love them each for their individual selves, and you are constantly amazed at how much room you have in your heart to love.

Of course, the really crappy part about a dog is that you know you're setting yourself up for heartbreak down the road because you expect them to pass before you do. But, would you trade the heartbreak you have now for the time you had with your past two dogs? I'm fairly certain you wouldn't. So I just try to not think about the future, enjoy each and every day with my pups now, and feel thankful that I have had the days / weeks / months / years I've had with them.

I also wouldn't live your life in fear - I understand how guilty you must feel having been away from your dog when s/he passed, but trust that they knew they were loved. You gave them a lifetime of happiness, so don't beat yourself up over that. If you get another dog, you still have to live your life, and that animal will understand. They'll just be happy for the companionship you do show them. It is so hard for me to leave my little guys when we travel, but I just remind myself that my dogs would rather have me most of the time than not at all, and life shouldn't be one dimensional in any facet.

Big hugs to you!

Oh, you - and a few others - might be convincing me. lol. I wouldn't trade the happy times I had with them to avoid feeling sad now. They were worth it, even with the heartbreak.

Maybe we should just stay put and see how we feel down the road. I'm so conflicted!

First off I am so sorry for your losses. I haven't lost a pet yet, well I did when I was 5 but I don't remember her. I do now have a cat and a dog. We actually got our cat because when dh and I moved in together the rental we were in allowed cats not dogs and dh has never lived without a pet before and he hated not having a furry friend. (When he grow up they had 2-3 cats and 1-3 dogs at all times)

I have no idea what I would do in your situation. But is it possible to sign a 6 month lease so that you can stay there for a be and see how you feel? (Depending on the rental market there that might not work.)
I kinda wish you lease was up in 2-3 months so you could figure it out.