Also in a rough spot... Any advice?

[ae001]

I feel so down right now. Since mother's day, I feel like I can't take it anymore. I have been emotional in the last few days. As usual, my H just ignored. I've learned to hide my tears because it doesn't matter. He wouldn't do anything if he sees me crying. In fact, it is more likely for him to walk away or say "what's wrong with you?" (not in a loving way at all).

I'm at a point where I feel like I'll be happier being separated or divorced. I just don't think I can depend on him emotionally.

What did I get for Mother's day? He said happy mother's day. That's it. No hug, no kiss.

I'm really tired of our situation. I feel like all I do is work, take care of DD and take care of household stuff. I have told him I resent him when he's watching TV all night while I try to get things done (dinner, feeding DD, dishes, giving DD a bath, put her to sleep, making her lunch for school, etc). By the time I'm done with all my nightly chores, I"m exhausted and it's already around 10pm.

In the last few days, all I could think about are the things which makes this marriage sucks. I guess that's why I'm now feeling like I should move on. I just don't think he (and I) care for each other anymore. We seemed to be doing great before DD arrived.

On DD's first year, I went to counseling trying to find balance between work and being a mom. It helped a little, but I think a marriage counseling then would have been more helpful and we won't be where we are at right now.

Now, I"m wondering if I'm having an emotional affair. I keep fantasizing about this guy at work. I rarely see him nor talk to him. He kinda showed some interest in me when I first met him 6yrs ago. We did work on one project long time ago. I don't fantasize this guy only though. I sometimes fantasize about another guy (no name, no face). My fantasy? All about being nice to me and romantic. So, is this kind of thoughts considered emotional affair?

I contacted a marriage counselor and scheduled a session. We will go and see how it turns out. When I scheduled it, I felt like my main purpose is to find out if we should just end the marriage. I guess I'll see if there's gonna be something worth staying 'cause right now I really like the idea of ending or at least separating.

I asked him to buy "His Needs, Her Needs" for us to read before our meeting with the therapist.

Just want to add, he knows I'm not feeling good at all. He asked if I was ok and I honestly replied no. But he didn't do/try to do anything to make me feel better.

Any advice? Right now, I just don't think there's is any hope in this marriage.

Special Request: Just to be safe, please don't quote. I will delete.

[ijack]

Hugs!

[iamali]

How old is your DD?

[downtoearth]

How old is you DD? I know several friends, myself included, who went through this when their kid was around 9-12 months. It was a major adjustment for the mom and a lot of work to be a "good mom" but the dad was just run-down and detached in every case.

I'm not saying that his behavior is right or that you are not justified in feeling emotionally detached, just that a lot of couples hit a tough part around this time.

That being said...I think you need to get out of the house at dinner/bedtime once a week for a couple weeks. DH doing more for your DD and realizing how hard it is to get it all done might be to your advantage - and might help him empathize during couseling instead of being emtionally detached.

Good luck on the counseling - I hope you find what you need personally.

[y4m]

Just send me and Womet a PM when you want the thread deleted and we can take care of it.

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:09:24 GMT -5 ijack said:

Hugs!

Thanks. I need it.

May 17, 2012 14:09:32 GMT -5 iamali said:

How old is your DD?

She's 2.

[definitelyO]

you've told him you resent him and you said you don't feel good. In this case I think that YOU need to spell out what YOU need. don't expect him to just up and start helping you with DD when he hasn't done it in the past. you need to take the step to open up to him. Tell him that you need help with A, B and C and that on a go forward basis you'd like to split up the evening "chores" and caretaking. Or ask him if he would rather give DD a bath or make her lunch and then he gets a choice. but it's one or the other not none.

and when he asks if you're okay and you say no - don't wait for him to ask why or try to guess what to do to make you feel better. tell him "no, I'm not good. I feel that I am carrying most of the daily chores and it's exhausting and I would love to have a more equal partnership" tell him and spell out what's bothering you and what you need him to help with.

I really did like the 5 languages of love. DH didn't read it - but I made him take the quiz and we talked about the answers, etc... I forget all the tag words - but I'm touch - I like DH to be affectionate with me. DH likes tasks - he feels appreciated when I do things around the house or for him. doesn't mean I do everything - but little things here and there make him feel appreciated, just like a kiss or a touch from him makes me feel like he loves me.

marriage counseling is great advice. and get into an emotional affair - it will end poorly.

[cjeanette]

I am sorry you are going through this. At the very least marriage counseling can be a good way to get everything out in the open and held the separation process if that is where you ernd up heading.

Feel free to vent to us anytime.

[cjeanette]

May 17, 2012 14:11:41 GMT -5 y4m said:

Just send me and Womet a PM when you want the thread deleted and we can take care of it.

You are awesome

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:11:52 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

I think the marriage counseling is a good idea, but can you schedule a few sessions just by yourself also?

I'm planning on doing this too, but I thought I'll wait and see how the first session goes.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, rough patches really suck.
Have you ever asked your H to do specific things for you? Like giving your DD a bath or something like that? I would be p^ssed as he!! if my H just sat around watching TV while I did everything and didn't get a chance to relax, so I get why you resent him for this if you have asked him to do things and he doesn't care.
I hope counseling goes well for you.

[juris11]

Beyond telling him you are resentful, have you asked him to help out around the house? Like "Honey, could you please take care of X while I give the baby a bath?" If so, how does he respond? Do you get time to do things just for you? Or time for the two of you as a couple?

From what you have posted, it doesn't seem like he is very attentive to your needs. Counseling is a good idea-it can help be to able to get everything out in the open and to have a third party there.

If all you are doing is having a fantasy about another man and not turning to them to talk or for emotional fulfillment, I don't really think that is an emotional affair per se, but it is a sign that your needs aren't being met by your H.

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:11:40 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

How old is you DD? I know several friends, myself included, who went through this when their kid was around 9-12 months. It was a major adjustment for the mom and a lot of work to be a "good mom" but the dad was just run-down and detached in every case.

I'm not saying that his behavior is right or that you are not justified in feeling emotionally detached, just that a lot of couples hit a tough part around this time.

That being said...I think you need to get out of the house at dinner/bedtime once a week for a couple weeks. DH doing more for your DD and realizing how hard it is to get it all done might be to your advantage - and might help him empathize during couseling instead of being emtionally detached.

Good luck on the counseling - I hope you find what you need personally.

I feel like this has been ongoing since DD was born. It just never got totally resolved. I personally thought we just needed time. I thought things will get better as DD becomes more and more independent.

[dr.girlfriend]

I think marriage counseling would be a good idea, and I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. I know for my DH, it wouldn't be enough to say, "I don't like being the only one to do stuff..." I when I was feeling overwhelmed with DS around the 6 month - 1 year range, I would have to be more concrete with DH and say, "I need you to play with DS while I make his dinner" or "Can you get him into his pajamas?" etc. It's not like I have to micromanage and once he got the hang of helping I didn't have to ask anymore, but "Can you help out more?" was just too vague, and it was too easy to default to him letting me do everything.

[thedutchgirl]

I think the other have good advice. I agree you should try to concretely tell your husband what you need from him. I hope counseling helps, even if only to smooth the way for separation.

Oh, and it isn't considered an emotional affair to fantasize about someone else unless you are also very emotionally close to that person--basically relying on another person rather than your spouse for emotional support.

[downtoearth]

May 17, 2012 14:19:16 GMT -5 ae001 said:

May 17, 2012 14:11:40 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

How old is you DD? I know several friends, myself included, who went through this when their kid was around 9-12 months. It was a major adjustment for the mom and a lot of work to be a "good mom" but the dad was just run-down and detached in every case.

I'm not saying that his behavior is right or that you are not justified in feeling emotionally detached, just that a lot of couples hit a tough part around this time.

That being said...I think you need to get out of the house at dinner/bedtime once a week for a couple weeks. DH doing more for your DD and realizing how hard it is to get it all done might be to your advantage - and might help him empathize during couseling instead of being emtionally detached.

Good luck on the counseling - I hope you find what you need personally.

I feel like this has been ongoing since DD was born. It just never got totally resolved. I personally thought we just needed time. I thought things will get better as DD becomes more and more independent.

I too would feel that by 2 years, your DH and you should be better at communicating through the tough kid times. That's just my opinion, not what is "right."

I think you need to go to counseling, but I still think you should consider being gone at least one night per week for your own sanity - take a yoga class at 7pm. Plus I like the other's suggestions to ask DH which he would like to help with. That will help in the short-term while you and DH try to figure out how to communicate and connect again in counseling.

Good luck - sounds tough.

[flygirl22]

I just wanted to respond to say that I am really sorry you are going through this, and I think marriage counseling is a good idea. It does seem to me that you expect something for your husband that he does not do naturally (helping out around the house, making you feel better when you are down), does he refuse to help when you ask? Does he know that things that he is doing or not doing is what is hurting you?

Also, I do not think that your fantasizing is an emotional affair.

[pugz]

(hugs) so sorry you are dealing with this I'm glad he agreed to go to counseling though, hopefully that will help you guys get things out in the open and decide where to go next.

I don't think daydreaming about a man being nice to you is an emotional affair!

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:18:40 GMT -5 flygirl said:

I'm sorry, rough patches really suck.
Have you ever asked your H to do specific things for you? Like giving your DD a bath or something like that? I would be p^ssed as he!! if my H just sat around watching TV while I did everything and didn't get a chance to relax, so I get why you resent him for this if you have asked him to do things and he doesn't care.
I hope counseling goes well for you.

Yes.

Me: Can you give her a bath?
Him: I don't know how.

I have also asked him to feed DD dinner, he was doing okay at first. Then he went back to his old routine of coming home late. I can't possibly let DD starve waiting for him to get home before eating. When I ask what happened, I just hear excuses; no action.

Another thing that really pisses me off is, when I have to go to work on a weekend, as soon as I get home, he gives me DD and have to take care of her for the rest of the day. When it's the other way around, I'm still stuck with DD after he gets home. He says he's tired and need to rest. Ummm... how about when I'm the one who went to work and he was at home??? It doesn't seem like I deserve any time to rest in either situation.

[eightangryreindeer]

I don't know if you saw my shit on ML yesterday but I am going through something similar. I'm starting individual counseling on June 1st and will go from there in terms of couples counseling.

I am gearing up for a serious come to jesus talk with the husband this weekend and I'm just not looking forward to it at all.

I'm not sure I'm "done", but it sounds like you might be.

Anyway, good luck to you, too.

[Deleted]

May 17, 2012 14:26:52 GMT -5 ae001 said:

May 17, 2012 14:18:40 GMT -5 flygirl said:

I'm sorry, rough patches really suck.
Have you ever asked your H to do specific things for you? Like giving your DD a bath or something like that? I would be p^ssed as he!! if my H just sat around watching TV while I did everything and didn't get a chance to relax, so I get why you resent him for this if you have asked him to do things and he doesn't care.
I hope counseling goes well for you.

Yes.

Me: Can you give her a bath?
Him: I don't know how.

I have also asked him to feed DD dinner, he was doing okay at first. Then he went back to his old routine of coming home late. I can't possibly let DD starve waiting for him to get home before eating. When I ask what happened, I just hear excuses; no action.

Another thing that really pisses me off is, when I have to go to work on a weekend, as soon as I get home, he gives me DD and have to take care of her for the rest of the day. When it's the other way around, I'm still stuck with DD after he gets home. He says he's tired and need to rest. Ummm... how about when I'm the one who went to work and he was at home??? It doesn't seem like I deserve any time to rest in either situation.

I'm sure you can discuss some of this in counseling, but if my H told me he didn't know how to do something, I'd probably either a)show him b)tell him "you'll figure it out, she needs a bath, just like you take a shower"

Do you have anyone else that can help you out for an evening?
In all honesty though, if my H wasn't willing to help out and acted like he was more important than I was--I'd tell him I didn't need him around at all. But thats probably not a healthy suggestion.

[Awkward]

No real advice, but I saw you mentioned that you went to an individual counseling and it helped "a little." I just wanted to emphasize how important it is to find a good fit for a counselor, and from what I understand it work the same with with marriage counseling. Just like marriage, you don't have to settle for the first one to take your phone call.

Also, hugs. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:19:06 GMT -5 juris11 said:

Beyond telling him you are resentful, have you asked him to help out around the house? Like "Honey, could you please take care of X while I give the baby a bath?" If so, how does he respond? Do you get time to do things just for you? Or time for the two of you as a couple?

No and no.

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 14:21:32 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

I think marriage counseling would be a good idea, and I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot. I know for my DH, it wouldn't be enough to say, "I don't like being the only one to do stuff..." I when I was feeling overwhelmed with DS around the 6 month - 1 year range, I would have to be more concrete with DH and say, "I need you to play with DS while I make his dinner" or "Can you get him into his pajamas?" etc. It's not like I have to micromanage and once he got the hang of helping I didn't have to ask anymore, but "Can you help out more?" was just too vague, and it was too easy to default to him letting me do everything.

He seems to think he's already doing alot. When I ask him to do something, he tells me he's already helping in the morning (getting DD ready while I get ready).

[vanillacourage]

May 17, 2012 14:18:40 GMT -5 flygirl said:

I'm sorry, rough patches really suck.
Have you ever asked your H to do specific things for you? Like giving your DD a bath or something like that? I would be p^ssed as he!! if my H just sat around watching TV while I did everything and didn't get a chance to relax, so I get why you resent him for this if you have asked him to do things and he doesn't care.
I hope counseling goes well for you.

Agree. Does he really just sit there and watch you run around all frazzled? I'd tell him that you need to start taking turns on who does bath while the other one cleans up the kitchen from dinner, etc. If you need to get a hobby or meet with girlfriends a couple times/week to get him used to being "in charge" then do it.

Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you soon.

[Deleted]

Hugs. Counseling is good. Individual would probably be a good idea as well. DH and I have read the book you asked him to read, and I would recommend it, it really helped DH see my side of things more. I will agree with the other ladies that are suggesting that you need to be very specific with him about what you need. Ask him to do the dish, ask him to bath DD, etc. Just telling him your tired and resent him won't help, he won't get it.

[ae001]

May 17, 2012 15:03:06 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

With the "I don't know how", a good reply is "You'll figure it out!" with a nice laugh, and hand him the baby. And walk off. A part of your problem is you let this continue.

With your weekend work, try stopping off for dinner alone before you come home, or a short trip to the bookstore, or wherever it is you like to kill a little time.

Seriously, I understand and remember well the feeling of not being a partnership in raising a small child. But the answer is not necessarily a divorce. You were doing fine before the baby; now you have a baby and life is much harder adn it's not about to get easier, and neither of you is getting the rest or support you need (you probably more so than him). And if you think you'll feel more supported, more happy, more 'better' when you're raising an infant entirely alone in a smaller apartment you can barely afford, you're mistaken.

Quit asking for what you need, quit waiting for it to be magically handed to you somehow, and instead, take it. Need a night out? arrange for it, even if it's just leaving and going for a walk. Need a manipedi? Get one. Cant afford it? Find a beauty school, it's five dollars. Need an exercise class? sign up for it; can't afford it? sign up at the Y, and get a sliding scale fee. Do not wait for him to hand it to you, go get it yourself. Be fair; but not just to him, you have to be fair to yourself too. You'll be happier. And when you're happier, so will your dh be happier, and your baby too.

You've told him you resent him for not doing stuff; but still you keep doing it. Stop doing some of it and hand it to him to do. Don't ask; hand it to him and say "make some salad please". Or 'give her a bath while I do the lunches". Or, instead of doing his laundry, say "do you have clothes ready for tomorrow?"

You sound ferociously depressed, and having been depressed, and having been the one who has to live with a depressed person, neither side is having a picnic.

Honestly, that's what I've been thinking that I will be happier alone raising DD. Right now, it just feels like I'm the only one taking care of her anyway. Yeah, I don't make as much as H, but I feel confident I'll be okay financially, even if I don't get any of our 7-figure assets. But you're probably right that I won't be happier. Maybe I'm fantasizing that it will be happier.

Depressed? So, who should I see to figure out if I'm depressed. If you ask me, I feel like I'm just fed up and not depressed at all. But I would be open to get tested to make sure.

[onomatopoeia]

Sue-Sue speaks truth. I've been in your place, and for a long time I thought that taking control of things meant doing everything. It was exhausting and depressing, and my marriage sucked for a while. I resented the fact that his life didn't change much and mine was drastically different.

So I signed up for a a yoga class, and told him he needed to be free Wednesday nights so I could go. I left the baby at home while I went to Target. I planned a happy hour out with friends, and told him he needed to pick the baby up at daycare. I'd give him the laundry basket to fold while he was watching TV. I also sat him down and told him exactly what I needed...I thought I was making it chrystal clear before, when I was really being pretty vague and really passive aggressive. I thought if he was a good husband he'd just know what was wrong, but that wasn't fair to him. Things didn't magically change overnight, but as he got more confident in taking care of DS and I got more confident in myself.

Good luck.

[ae001]

May 18, 2012 8:45:29 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

It sounds to me like he doesn't have a good grasp of the fact that parenting isn't just helping out at a designated time, or with a designated task. Does he play with your daughter, is he an attentive father as far as "fun time" or is he fairly distant?

He does play with DD. He does want DD have fun but he wants me there too. When I'm at work on the weekend, I suggest that she take DD to the park, but he doesn't want to go without me and just spend the whole day watching TV with her.

[dr.girlfriend]

I think counseling would really help with this stuff. As would getting a babysitter and having some time to yourselves to reconnect.

DH was very intimidated to do things with DS at first. He still is, to some extent. I really had to just get out of the house while he was taking care of him, or he'd be constantly asking me about what to do or trying to bring DS to me when he asked for me. He just had to gain familiarity to know that he could handle things.

And then, it's also a vicious cycle, because kids get *much* easier to travel with as they get older, and DH never really got to understand that because he shied away from it. I cut him some slack because he is a relatively new driver and I knew he was extra cautious about driving with DS in the car, but he never took him farther than our backyard without me there. Finally, a few weeks ago, I had to say, "You know, DS is really a lot easier to take on outings. You should really take him somewhere on your own." He just took him five minutes away for ice cream, but was amazed by how easy it was. Three is SO MUCH better than 2 in a lot of ways.

For us, we pretty much split the weekend. DH sleeps late on Saturday, and I get up early with DS, etc. He does the same for Sunday. Although if DS is out all Saturday, when he comes home I will definitely hand over the kid and say "I need a kid-free hour" and he totally understands. We both realize that a day with the kid is 5x more stressful than a workday for us.

Balancing life as two working parents is really hard, and I think you have to try to see through that haze of stress and resentment to decide if you really don't love this man anymore. I know it's kind of done, but I don't really see the benefit of using a separation as a "wake-up call" if you really don't plan on divorcing.

And I agree, dreaming about cuddles and kind words is not an emotional affair, but it is probably a good sign that you're not getting what you need from this marriage right now, and from the sound of it neither is your husband.