Sue-Sue speaks truth. I've been in your place, and for a long time I thought that taking control of things meant doing everything. It was exhausting and depressing, and my marriage sucked for a while. I resented the fact that his life didn't change much and mine was drastically different.
I thought if he was a good husband he'd just know what was wrong, but that wasn't fair to him. Things didn't magically change overnight, but as he got more confident in taking care of DS and I got more confident in myself.
Good luck.
That's what I have been thinking. So, I guess I'm wrong.
Post by cookiemdough on May 18, 2012 9:00:32 GMT -5
Find a good marriage counselor that you both feel comfortable with.
Get out the house and have some personal time, whether it is going to get some coffee with a book or meeting up with your girlfriends. It is hard to feel like yourself when you aren't doing any of the things you used to enjoy prior to having a child.
Find a babysitter and you and your husband need to have a set date night so you can begin to reconnect. If you can't get a sitter, then have at least a weekly night where you have a date night at home after DD goes to bed (watch a movie together, play games, sit outside, have wine, etc.)
He needs set responsibilities so it won't become a nightly game of who does what. If you cook, he cleans the kitchen. If you do lunch prep for the next day, then during that time he should be giving a bath. If he doesn't know how you either tell him to figure it out or show him one time and then don't entertain that nonsense of an excuse again.
You can't let him off the hook and you also have to recognize that if you let him do things he may do some stuff differently from you. And that is okay and you have to learn to be okay with that as well.
I think counseling would really help with this stuff. As would getting a babysitter and having some time to yourselves to reconnect.
DH was very intimidated to do things with DS at first. He still is, to some extent. I really had to just get out of the house while he was taking care of him, or he'd be constantly asking me about what to do or trying to bring DS to me when he asked for me. He just had to gain familiarity to know that he could handle things.
For us, we pretty much split the weekend. DH sleeps late on Saturday, and I get up early with DS, etc. He does the same for Sunday. Although if DS is out all Saturday, when he comes home I will definitely hand over the kid and say "I need a kid-free hour" and he totally understands. We both realize that a day with the kid is 5x more stressful than a workday for us.
Balancing life as two working parents is really hard, and I think you have to try to see through that haze of stress and resentment to decide if you really don't love this man anymore. I know it's kind of done, but I don't really see the benefit of using a separation as a "wake-up call" if you really don't plan on divorcing.
And I agree, dreaming about cuddles and kind words is not an emotional affair, but it is probably a good sign that you're not getting what you need from this marriage right now, and from the sound of it neither is your husband.
Babysitter? That's another thing. He wouldn't consider a babysitter.
Babysitter? That's another thing. He wouldn't consider a babysitter.
Hubba wha? Give him enough alone time with the kid, and he'll be begging for a babysitter. Seriously, WTF? Does he not realize he's on the verge of losing his family?
He's gonna have to get comfortable with the idea of a babysitter. Seriously. You need time to yourself and the two of you need time to connect with each other. I have a feeling you would be a lot happier if you were getting both of those things.
Babysitter? That's another thing. He wouldn't consider a babysitter.
....wait. So he doesn't like watching her by himself, but he refuses to have a babysitter watch her. So he expects you to spend all your non-work time with the kid, is that what I'm hearing?
Yep, but I'm not sure if he sees it that way. And that's probably why I feel like I would be better off raising a kid alone.
Post by ridesbuttons on May 18, 2012 9:13:17 GMT -5
First of all, you are not having an emotional affair. Daydreaming about a better situation in you own head is NOT an affair. You are NOT actively involving a third party. Do not feel any guilt about this.
I don't know what to say about the rest. Marriage is a unique thing between two unique people. Only you know what is best for you. Best of luck
He's gonna have to get comfortable with the idea of a babysitter. Seriously. You need time to yourself and the two of you need time to connect with each other. I have a feeling you would be a lot happier if you were getting both of those things.
For some reason, he seems to find it silly with just the two of us going out to dinner. Last time we went out alone was when my parents were visiting. He didn't want to go.
He's gonna have to get comfortable with the idea of a babysitter. Seriously. You need time to yourself and the two of you need time to connect with each other. I have a feeling you would be a lot happier if you were getting both of those things.
For some reason, he seems to find it silly with just the two of us going out to dinner. Last time we went out alone was when my parents were visiting. He didn't want to go.
If he doesn't see the appeal in having a kid-free dinner with his wife when trusted family is available to watch her, then....sorry, I think your issues are more than parenting and counseling is a great idea.
Post by cookiemdough on May 18, 2012 9:18:48 GMT -5
Why no babysitter? Is it because of cost or is he just not comfortable with someone different watching your child? Is your DD in daycare? If so, ask some of the teachers there. That way your daughter is already familiar with the person and there should be some comfort that the person has already cared for her.
I can't stress how important it is to spend some time together alone. I would make changes to the budget or whatever is necessary to make that happen if you can.
DH and I had a really rough spot and not staying connected was a big part of that. We kind of were using each other as babysitters, so we both got alone time but nights out together were few and far between. Not connecting and remember why you even like each other made it really hard getting through the daily grind of having a small child. We now make it a priority and it has changed things tremendously (along with a lot of marriage counseling). I will admit it was akward at first. I was resentful, we both were angry and so doing the leisurely dinners we did pre-kid weren't an option because it was hard not to talk about our issues. So we had to do things like going to the movies or bowling at first. The date night shouldn't be used as the time to hash out difference it should be about hanging out and having some fun. Set up a different time to talk about problems.
Until your husband gets on board with getting a babysitter, I probably would decline if he wanted to go out and have you watch DD. That just isn't fair, especially if you don't get a similar chance to get out of the house.
I thought if he was a good husband he'd just know what was wrong, but that wasn't fair to him. Things didn't magically change overnight, but as he got more confident in taking care of DS and I got more confident in myself.
Good luck.
That's what I have been thinking. So, I guess I'm wrong.
Men can be really obtuse. I'm not excusing his attitude, but I'll use my husband as an example. He really thought all the parenting stuff came naturally to me, like fixing car engines comes naturally to him. So even when I told him I felt overwhelmed, he'd just focus harder on what he thought his role was: worker and provider (even though we both worked), because he thought that meant he was doing his part. Stupid, and a lot of it had to do with how he was brought up, but he really needed concrete examples and instructions on what to do and when to do it.
I'm not saying you need to be his mother too, or micro-manage him (I started doing that and it didn't go well, lol). But I really agree with Sue Sue's advice to pass DD off for bath with a happy smile and a "see you later". Don't worry if he forgets to wash her hair, or uses the wrong towel. Once I changed my attitude (I was pissed all the time, and looking back I really believed I was also depressed) it really changed my life. We never went to counseling but it certainly wouldn't have hurt.
My DH really wanted to do the right things, and wanted me to be happy, and I'm assuming yours does too. That made a big difference (I know couples where the husband really has totally checked out). My oldest is now 5, and it's 100% different. Sometimes I feel like DH is the better parent and housekeeper than me now.
He's gonna have to get comfortable with the idea of a babysitter. Seriously. You need time to yourself and the two of you need time to connect with each other. I have a feeling you would be a lot happier if you were getting both of those things.
For some reason, he seems to find it silly with just the two of us going out to dinner. Last time we went out alone was when my parents were visiting. He didn't want to go.
Hmmmm...was he like this before baby? I'm assuming you went on dates at some point. Did that stop when you got married? How would he respond if you were to say "Honey, I need to go do fun things with you because I feel disconnected and I want to spend time with you and regain that connection?"
I guess I'm trying to gauge his willingness to try. I would absolutely go to therapy if H and I were having problems, but I also believe that if one party isn't willing to make the effort, then it is going to be a pointless exercise. Do you think he WANTS to try to repair the relationship?
Kicking him out and getting divorced might be a bold and powerful statement -and might even be the right thing to do. Just keep in mind that once that's done he'll have visitation and likely a new girlfriend. DD will be 4 years old and really fun and easy to be around and you'll have the hassle of scheduling her father's visitation with his new girlfriend ... likely around her kid's activities.
And its important to know that you are not having an affair because you have an active imagination. That's called coping. You're allowed to cope with day dreams of a supportive partner.
You absolutely need a babysitter. Its gets less scary after the first year. You can also get a preteen to babysit while you are home- our neighbor girl loved doing simple things with DD and I loved having a little freedom to tackle projects (low cost too).
That's what I have been thinking. So, I guess I'm wrong.
Men can be really obtuse. I'm not excusing his attitude, but I'll use my husband as an example. He really thought all the parenting stuff came naturally to me, like fixing car engines comes naturally to him. So even when I told him I felt overwhelmed, he'd just focus harder on what he thought his role was: worker and provider (even though we both worked), because he thought that meant he was doing his part. Stupid, and a lot of it had to do with how he was brought up, but he really needed concrete examples and instructions on what to do and when to do it.
I'm not saying you need to be his mother too, or micro-manage him (I started doing that and it didn't go well, lol). But I really agree with Sue Sue's advice to pass DD off for bath with a happy smile and a "see you later". Don't worry if he forgets to wash her hair, or uses the wrong towel. Once I changed my attitude (I was pissed all the time, and looking back I really believed I was also depressed) it really changed my life. We never went to counseling but it certainly wouldn't have hurt.
My DH really wanted to do the right things, and wanted me to be happy, and I'm assuming yours does too. That made a big difference (I know couples where the husband really has totally checked out). My oldest is now 5, and it's 100% different. Sometimes I feel like DH is the better parent and housekeeper than me now.
My DH can be like this too. When we had our second, he knew I needed more help, so he thought that naturally meant he needed to work more so we could make more money. This meant he was home even less, and I just wanted him to come home for bathtime and book time more often because that's when I'm at my most frazzled and I'm just done.
I think counseling is an excellent idea if your DH doesn't the see the point in going out as a couple. I know we will put it off forever sometimes, and then once we do it, we say that we need to do it more often.
I also agree with the others that you need to just be specific and do it without guilt. Hand him the baby and walk away. If he gets pissy, so be it. "Do you want to play with DD or make dinner?" "We need to do laundry tonight and clean the kitchen -- which one can you do?"
Yeah, it would be nice if he just pitched in and did it without asking, and I'm sure there are plenty of DH's who do that, but it doesn't hurt to be specific on the help that you need.
Also, can you just let stuff go? You're doing all the cleanup at night -- does it matter if it doesn't get clean once in a while?
I don't have time to read through all the responses right now, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what someone has already said.
First, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I'm glad you are going to counseling and I hope that something can change.
If you have not yet been to counseling, I'd try to go into this with an open mind and a purpose of saving your marriage. It sounds like there is a MAJOR breakdown in communication, emotional connection, and caring about each others' needs and wants. I think that if you go into counseling saying "I think I want out" then you're a lot less likely to make progress toward fixing the things that are wrong than if you go in with an open mind and a drive to give this all you've got and fix this.
Of course, there are two of you in this relationship and unless he approaches this with a similar purpose, there is only so much YOU can do. It has to be BOTH of you working toward this.
Also, your fantasies are NOT an emotional affair. An emotional affair is when something actually is happening between you and another person. I think everyone fantasizes about things when times are hard and while that may not be ideal, I don't think it means you are doing anything wrong and I certainly wouldn't call it an affair.
Good luck. I hope you guys can make some progress in counseling and at the very least, you'll know you've done what you could and move on from your marriage with a clear conscience that you gave it a shot.
With all your feedback, I decided to send him a last minute invitation to go to lunch and watch a movie. He seemed happy about it. We'll see how it goes. I promise we will focus on fun, and not discuss issues.
eta: He always complain about how busy he is at work and how much work he needs to do. So, I feel happy that he's taking the afternoon off, forgetting about work for a change and prioritizing an afternoon with me.
My husband and I hit a rough patch after our son was born because I felt like he wasn't helping out enough. We ended up going to marriage counseling for a few months. One thing I have learned to do is to give my husband a choice (like I would my toddler ) He is much more receptive if I say "would you rather clean up the kitchen or give a bath tonight? That way you are not really giving him the option to say no. You will be amazed how quickly he will become an expert bather when the other option is dishes.
With all your feedback, I decided to send him a last minute invitation to go to lunch and watch a movie. He seemed happy about it. We'll see how it goes. I promise we will focus on fun, and not discuss issues.
eta: He always complain about how busy he is at work and how much work he needs to do. So, I feel happy that he's taking the afternoon off, forgetting about work for a change and prioritizing an afternoon with me.
Hugs. And no, you're not having an emotional affair. Pretty sure you have to actually be talking to the other person for it to be an affair of any sort.
About depression and who to go to... I went to my GP, incoherently babbling and crying on her shoulder, and then I let her and my therapist talk to each other. GP gave me meds and I kept going to therapy. Otherwise you need to go to a psychiatrist if you need meds.
I wasn't on meds for very long. But I feel like they helped me a LOT. Basically, they helped me get past the "I'm overwhelmed, I can't take this anymore" feeling long enough to actually take the steps I needed to get myself out of my situation. I was so busy being down, and crying, and generally being over-emotional, that I couldn't think how to fix things for myself. That's how meds helped me.
It's the first part of your first post that makes it sound like you might be depressed.
It is not easy being single so explore your options with an counseler first. Be honest with them and see where it goes. They can probably tell you if you are depressed. I am so glad that I finally talked to a dr about that and now am taking something for it. I was a total basket case crying all the time then being mad because I could not keep it together.
I was happier in my first marriage after I left but it was very hard with two kids on my on. This time DH had a emotional affair with the nurse in our DR's office to be all and it has been hard. We went to counseling and talked for several months for him to realize what he was doing and how it hurt me. We are OK but not great. We are going to have huge changes this year with the older two kids moving out so I hope to make progress.