At what point is it "Me" that is the problem?

[redredwine]

So, the dude I was dating??? Yah, another one bites the dust.
I cried some big fat whale tears last night after I realized he just isn't that into me. And I'm 99.9% certain he doesn't want to see me anymore. I hadn't heard from him since the response back on Friday night (after I was waiting well over a day since I had texted him), so I actually tried calling him but he didnt' answer, so I texted him just saying "Hey, just wanted to see how your crazy work weekend was! "and one last time, I asked him about getting together this week or sometime soon and he answered quickly that work was really busy but basically totally avoided answering a pretty direct question. Sent him a text back essentially and...nothing. I don't expect to hear from him again so i think I just need to close the books on this one.

I'm actually crushed by this...its hitting me hard even though we hadn't been dating each other that long. It wasn't just that I really really liked him, but also that we had just talked about just dating each other so I was at the point where I thought things were going well and he was finally someone I could get excited about...Things were good while he was on vacation the past two weeks. And now, only a week later, I go to find out that just like every other guy I've dated, he just disappeared. Honestly, it makes little sense. He KNEW this was something I was guarded with, too as a result of past dating experiences.

I've gone on 15 first dates post divorce. The two guys I wasn't interested in, I let them know that I didn't want to continue things because I didn't want to be the person who just never responded back. I would want the same thing.
I had ONE guy, the very first guy I went out with a few times right after my divorce, that had the decency to say "Hey, you're great, but I don't think the timing is right". I totally respected him for being mature enough to tell me.

So, the other 12 guys? They all just went away and dissappeared. Some I was fine with as it was probably mutual. But a few? Like the guy I was seeing/sleeping with for a few months? Just never texted me back. It's not like I pester them or constantly text/call/email. I try to get the hint and just leave them alone.

but WTF? I thought that I screened guys pretty well and I'm sure I have a "type" that I go for, but I didn't think they were all the the same kind of guy but int he end, they have all done the same thing-just dissappeared. I thought this last one was really different than other guys I've dated. But nope...same thing. Same result. thought I was approaching this one differently, but in the end it resulted in the same thing.

Isn't the defination of insane attempting something over and over and expecting a different result every time? I guess dating is making me insane. By definition.


So, I have to ask: At what point is it really ME that is the problem? I was watching the Sex in the City marathon this weekend and the one episode where Carrie goes to a therapist to talk about her dating life, the therapist said "Well, Carrie, the one thing all these men all have in common is you." Carrie goes on to realize she chooses the wrong men.
Well, the one thing all the guys I've dated had in common is Me. So, at what point is it me? Am I just choosing the wrong guys? Am I the one doing something wrong here? I thought I was in a really good place mentally to date. I took alot of time after my divorce to really analyze what went wrong in my marriage and how to make things better the next time around. I went to therapy, made some good healthy goals and worked towards them, etc. It's now it's made me rethink that. I'm asking myself "gee, did I do something wrong here?" I'm actually going to call my therapist that I haven't seen in almost two years and work through this with her because I can't figure out what I am doing wrong here. I need to break this pattern and I can't figure it out. I don't want this to keep happening over and over again.

So, SO board, at what point IS the common denominator you vs. the people you date? At what point do you say "It's not them, it's ME."
Does that even make sense? Sorry, my head is clouded and all over the place.

On that note, I AM taking a break from dating for a while. I really have little desire to date at this point and I know it's a healthier decision. And I'm still so. sad. about this guy.

[achase123]

Honestly, it sounds cliche but I just think the right one hasn't come along yet for you. I know that you want to meet someone but think about this; maybe the right guy for YOU isn't even available yet. Maybe he's still stuck in some loveless marriage waiting and hoping for the courage to finally leave. It will be so worth it when he does come along because he will be RIGHT.

I know that I could say similar things about my dating experiences. I cleared out my phone and there were AT LEAST thirty guys' numbers in there who were "somebody that I used to know". I always say that the theme of my love life is "another one bites the dust". At this point in time I don't even let it bother me anymore. I always tell myself, if I'm bothered by something that happened with a guy wait a week and see how I feel. 99.9999999% of the time he's already off my radar and the "pain" is long gone.

Hugs to you, I feel you. This process is not easy.

[Deleted]

Red I'm so so so sorry. I know how it feels. Here is one thought I have. You have met most of these men online right? I think this is one reason men end up so flaky. They go on a few dates with someone, but still have active profiles and something new and shiny is dangled in front of them and they just have to try it out. They can be total dicks because hey when are they going to see you again? You likely don't have friends in common, frequent the same places, etc.

Never before has it been so easy for people to have such access to single people who express a possible mutual interest. I think this really causes a lot of issues with the "there might be something better out there" mentality. It's just too darn easy.

Anyways that's my rant about online dating. But my point is I don't think it's YOU at all. I think it's this whole process and approach to dating. I think it's totally screwing with dynamics.

What I do know and remain confident about is that there are some good ones out there. I think maybe a change in approach to dating might be in order for you. Maybe join some meet-ups with your super cool GBCN friend;)

[jade28]

Honestly, all but one guy is going to disappear from your life. It took me so long to accept this and I absolutely hated it when a guy who meant something to me would no longer be in my life. I tried to hold on and do whatever it took but guess what? There is only going to be one guy who will enter your life and never leave...the rest are going to up and go and it is no reflection on you. It's life. It sucks but it is what it is. You have no control over what those guys do, only how you feel about it.

Now, that is not to say the guys you dated for a few months who just disappeared weren't total jerks. But let's face it, most people lack decency. Fact of life.

I mean you could look at the guys who became MIA and see if there were any red flags so you can spot these kinds of guys earlier or avoid them entirely. But I don't think it's you. I just think this is how people are - whether you are dating them, trying to be friends with them or marrying them. Most people will be sucky to you - maybe that is a pessimistic attitude but it makes me appreciate the kind ones a lot more.

[formerlyak]

I think online dating does screw with your odds of success, because I know I had a lot of one date wonders when I did online dating -- but they were more me calling it off than them.

However, I also know that as much as I said I was ready to date and find someone, most of that time I was dating I really wasn't. I didn't see it then, but I do when I look back. So then I ask myself if I was putting off some odd vibe when I had some of these one date wonders. It's totally possible.

Since you brought up Sex and the City, do you remember the one where they compare men to taxis? They said that like taxis, men have an "in service" light and when it is on (just like a taxi) they are ready to pick someone up. I think when I started dating I was like a taxi ... I put up a ton of walls and just didn't "have my light on." Could this be the case with you?

And I am sorry he went poof!

[redredwine]

Thanks ladies...it actually really helped to hear.

PDX made an interesting point about the online dating thing and how it makes it so easy to dismiss someone because there's another shiny pretty object dangling in front of them. Though I know this last guy wasn't on any other site and his subscription had ended shortly after mine, I know most other guys I was dating were still active online. We've become some an instant gratification society and it really affects dating, too.

And I think you're right...online dating may just not be for me after all. Who knows, maybe I'll give it another shot at another time.
Meetups wtih my super cool GBCN friend do sound like fun though! Let's chat about it on our wine date.

[starburst604]

Everyone has given great responses, so I'll just back them up with something a friend passed on to me that her therapist had told her when she kept meeting wrong guy after wrong guy "They're all going to be the wrong guy until it's the right guy". I seriously think I went on easily 150 first dates over a period of 4 years. I ran into a guy recently that told me we went on a date - zero recollection! I'm sorry this happened to you, he did owe you more than that and just disappearing was a shitty move. I think achase is right, in a week or two this won't really matter to you but I know it's discouraging as hell everytime it happens, especially after showing some promise. I would go home from a bad date sometimes, put on pajamas and sit with my cat and think he was going to be the only man that would stick around!

[bowies]

I think you'll meet someone when you least expect it. ::hides from achase::

Seriously though, I support your decision to talk it out with your therapist. I always support self-discovery. However, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I highly doubt it's you, as in the very essence of you. It could be your outlook or being honest with yourself about what you're looking for vs. what you're putting out there. For me, I realized that I was looking for something long-term even though I was putting out a vibe that I was a lot more aloof. Part of it was a natural shyness, but another part was that fear of rejection. I had to get over it in order to connect with someone. I was choosing guys who were in the right head-space for a serious relationship, but they thought I was out there dating for the heck of it.

I will say also that chemistry is chemistry. If one party stops feeling it, nothing can be done. You deserve to know that instead of having the disappearing act pulled on you, but alas, I think that's more of a rarity these days. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. It's happened to everyone at some point or another. I'm pretty much the queen of the no-call-backs.

If dating is starting to feel like a joyless job, it's definitely time to take a break. Maybe that's coming across too.

[achase123]

Sept 5, 2012 13:41:20 GMT -5 bowies said:

I think you'll meet someone when you least expect it. ::hides from achase::

Seriously though, I support your decision to talk it out with your therapist. I always support self-discovery. However, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I highly doubt it's you, as in the very essence of you. It could be your outlook or being honest with yourself about what you're looking for vs. what you're putting out there. For me, I realized that I was looking for something long-term even though I was putting out a vibe that I was a lot more aloof. Part of it was a natural shyness, but another part was that fear of rejection. I had to get over it in order to connect with someone. I was choosing guys who were in the right head-space for a serious relationship, but they thought I was out there dating for the heck of it.

I will say also that chemistry is chemistry. If one party stops feeling it, nothing can be done. You deserve to know that instead of having the disappearing act pulled on you, but alas, I think that's more of a rarity these days. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. It's happened to everyone at some point or another. I'm pretty much the queen of the no-call-backs.

If dating is starting to feel like a joyless job, it's definitely time to take a break. Maybe that's coming across too.

(yelling at Bowies) "Oh NO you didn't!!!

Just kidding. I agree that it is important to be honest with yourself, most of all, about what you are looking for. That's why in every situation I evaluate that. With V, I was definitely just looking for something fun because he lived so far away and I knew it probably would just be a summer thing, that was fine. But the reality is, that I have been single a long time and I've gone on enough dates to know I don't want to waste my time (usually) with someone who isn't looking to have something that could be long-term.

What do you think you are really looking for? What do you think you are putting "out there"?

[redredwine]

Sept 5, 2012 12:28:24 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I think online dating does screw with your odds of success, because I know I had a lot of one date wonders when I did online dating -- but they were more me calling it off than them.

However, I also know that as much as I said I was ready to date and find someone, most of that time I was dating I really wasn't. I didn't see it then, but I do when I look back. So then I ask myself if I was putting off some odd vibe when I had some of these one date wonders. It's totally possible.

Since you brought up Sex and the City, do you remember the one where they compare men to taxis? They said that like taxis, men have an "in service" light and when it is on (just like a taxi) they are ready to pick someone up. I think when I started dating I was like a taxi ... I put up a ton of walls and just didn't "have my light on." Could this be the case with you?

And I am sorry he went poof!

I love relating everything to SITC. Seriously...I love that show way too much and was SO happy it was on all day on Sunday because I was stuck in doors painting.
I *thought* my light was on...but I've been dating people who's lights are off or they turn on right after they dissappear from me.
Maybe it's not on? I don't really know.

Like Bowies said, maybe it is a vibe of some kind that I'm putting out there, but hard to say.

Sigh...and yes, I did curl up with my dog last night and told her that she's stuck with me. Forever.

[redredwine]

Sept 5, 2012 13:48:39 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 5, 2012 13:41:20 GMT -5 bowies said:

I think you'll meet someone when you least expect it. ::hides from achase::

Seriously though, I support your decision to talk it out with your therapist. I always support self-discovery. However, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I highly doubt it's you, as in the very essence of you. It could be your outlook or being honest with yourself about what you're looking for vs. what you're putting out there. For me, I realized that I was looking for something long-term even though I was putting out a vibe that I was a lot more aloof. Part of it was a natural shyness, but another part was that fear of rejection. I had to get over it in order to connect with someone. I was choosing guys who were in the right head-space for a serious relationship, but they thought I was out there dating for the heck of it.

I will say also that chemistry is chemistry. If one party stops feeling it, nothing can be done. You deserve to know that instead of having the disappearing act pulled on you, but alas, I think that's more of a rarity these days. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. It's happened to everyone at some point or another. I'm pretty much the queen of the no-call-backs.

If dating is starting to feel like a joyless job, it's definitely time to take a break. Maybe that's coming across too.

(yelling at Bowies) "Oh NO you didn't!!!

Just kidding. I agree that it is important to be honest with yourself, most of all, about what you are looking for. That's why in every situation I evaluate that. With V, I was definitely just looking for something fun because he lived so far away and I knew it probably would just be a summer thing, that was fine. But the reality is, that I have been single a long time and I've gone on enough dates to know I don't want to waste my time (usually) with someone who isn't looking to have something that could be long-term.

What do you think you are really looking for? What do you think you are putting "out there"?

I am looking for long term. I don't know if I'm putting it out there and it scares them away or if I'm not, KWIM?

And by dating G (the latest dude), I had SO much fun with him and I truly felt that he was the only guy I've dated thus far that truly got to see ME. I can be pretty reserved, so early on in dating, it's hard to see the awesomeness that is RedRedWine. If nothing else, he taught me that. I was so happy I HAD dated everyone and it didn't work out because it led me to G who I was completely myself with.
I guess it sets me up to be better for the next time...and all that other cheesy cliche-y stuff that goes with it (while we're on the topic)

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 14:05:27 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Perhaps you need to just relax and be your awesome self all the time... the more I am really myself the more men like it. Lately on these internet dates I don't think I have been being the relaxed, fun person I am... I was kind of awkward for some reason but I think I am have gotten over it by not expecting anything to come from these dates.

The last date I went on was with the pilot and I really was myself and he is the only one who has wanted to see me again.

I agree with this. The less I care the more they like me. I tend to see this with my girlfriends too.