So Annoyed and a WWYD?

[Deleted]

So in the ongoing saga with dude. I'm super annoyed with our mutual friend and would like some advice on how to handle it.

We actually broke things off very respectfully and the door was open for our friendship to continue should I want it to at some point. I made it clear that at this point I couldn't have him in my life because it would be to hurtful to see him/know about his dating life.

Our mutual friend (who is one of my friends) decides to tell him she doesn't want to talk to him because of "what he did to me." He responded with something like "go to DC get the boy bashing out of your system."

UGGGG. I didn't want this bad blood between us. And I repeatedly told mutual friend to stay out of it and not discuss me with him. Sure I've been sort of angry at him lately, but its more of a coping mechanism. I've asked her repeatedly not to discuss him with me either and she keeps bringing him up. I keep asking her not to.

Now I'm really frustrated. I didn't want this to turn nasty and I don't want him to think I'm "bashing" him or what not. Because aside from some minor douchey behavior he didn't really do anything to me.

I sort of want to reach out to him and be like "Hey I know mutual friend is trying to stand up for me, but honestly I have no hard for feelings toward you. I'm not reaching out to you right now because it's too painful for me at this time. But as I have always told you, I don't hold any hard feelings and I do hope to be friends with you one day."

Thoughts?

[dakotadangerdog]

I'd tell him that.

[omeomi]

If you want to have some sort of friendship with him in the future, I'd definitely reach out and tell him that.

And that was out of line of your friend to say that.

[Deleted]

Yea she's ridic and 33. Although I think totally emotionally stunted. It's hard because she really is like my best friend, so not having that support is difficult. I know she's honestly doing it from a good place, but it's so f-ing annoying. I do want to say something because it all ended so well and now she's making this big deal about it and it's like don't taint it and I don't want him to think I'm upset at him. And I really do see being good friends with dude in the future. I just need time to heal.

[redredwine]

I like the text. I think it's mature and makes the point you want it to.

[blackkitty]

Have you told your friend how this is affecting you?

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 14:53:17 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Have you told your friend how this is affecting you?

Oh definitely. She just doesn't seem to "get it." She's like "Well I'm mad at him for treating you like this and I'm going to tell him."

Uggg. And I've totally downplayed a lot of issues with this whole situation with her to prevent this. She has an odd way of thinking and creates a lot of things in her mind.

For example I responded and was like "I'm done talking about dude, I don't want to here anything else about him. To be clear this is not because I'm mad at him, but because I'm very sadden by this situation and it's painful for me to hear about him. I expect and encourage you to maintain your friendship with him and I too hope to have him back in my life at some point. Let's just all agree to not discuss him as really it's not necessary."

Her response "Okay! But PS Dude isn't dating anyone right now at all!!!"

head meets desk.

[blackkitty]

She's not listening
I'd call her out on it
But it sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to address it with her. I'd say something to the guy... but just say something like... I don't know what Mary's problem is, I have no hard feelings toward you and wish you the best. Short and simple

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 15:00:33 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

She's not listening
I'd call her out on it
But it sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to address it with her. I'd say something to the guy... but just say something like... I don't know what Mary's problem is, I have no hard feelings toward you and wish you the best. Short and simple

I know right? I've called her out on it several times. She isn't a very good listener at.all. Like I say I know it probably doesn't come across as such, but she's totally a fiercely loyal friend and believes she's doing the best thing, despite what I say. She's ummm difficult.

I've decided not to text dude. I think it would be too painful in opening up to having him back in my life. I'm not sure the texting would actually stop at that point.

When and if I'm ready to have him back as a friend I'll clear the air then. Hopefully this all just blows over for now.

[blackkitty]

Tell her that
Say if you really want to be a good friend you will listen to what I am telling you and respect my wishes. Because that's what friends do. They don't promote their own agenda.

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 15:14:41 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Tell her that
Say if you really want to be a good friend you will listen to what I am telling you and respect my wishes. Because that's what friends do. They don't promote their own agenda.

Honestly BK I wish it was that easy. I've said these exact same things. For reals I think she has some sort of cognitive impairment. She has major issues processing a lot of things. A LOT. The key is obviously to just cut her out of ANY sort of emotions about anything she has any other association with. Lesson learned.

[blackkitty]

Sept 5, 2012 15:18:35 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 5, 2012 15:14:41 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Tell her that
Say if you really want to be a good friend you will listen to what I am telling you and respect my wishes. Because that's what friends do. They don't promote their own agenda.

Honestly BK I wish it was that easy. I've said these exact same things. For reals I think she has some sort of cognitive impairment. She has major issues processing a lot of things. A LOT. The key is obviously to just cut her out of ANY sort of emotions about anything she has any other association with. Lesson learned.

Then at this point your only choice is to let it go. You can't change people. I'm sure you know this though.
Most people suck at listening so she's not really an exception sadly.

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 15:53:38 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 5, 2012 15:18:35 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Honestly BK I wish it was that easy. I've said these exact same things. For reals I think she has some sort of cognitive impairment. She has major issues processing a lot of things. A LOT. The key is obviously to just cut her out of ANY sort of emotions about anything she has any other association with. Lesson learned.

Then at this point your only choice is to let it go. You can't change people. I'm sure you know this though.
Most people suck at listening so she's not really an exception sadly.

Well she is sort of an exception. Oh the crazy stories I could tell you. In the end I sent him a text. I just said that despite what he may have heard I don't hold any ill will and that what happened happened wasn't anyone's fault and to take care.

I feel better having sent it.