This decision is killing me.

[AutumnRose25]

We can not decide what to do- decision HAS to be given and H and I are both so torn.

Basically, the choice is between a tenure-track opportunity for H that is 1,500 miles away.. vs. staying by family so our kid(s) are able to grow up around cousins, grandparents etc.
We see family a lot, at least once or twice a month minimum.

Just based in that info- what would your choice be?

Yes, there are a few more layers but ultimately that is the choice we face today.

My take is that I feel very "lost" not having a strong family base and not knowing my cousins etc.--which is definitely clouding my emotions on this.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

How rare is this opportunity for H?

[sequins]

I have the same question as ombligo.

[isabel]

What's the job prospect in your current location?

[AutumnRose25]

Jul 5, 2016 15:25:51 GMT -5 Ohhmm(bligo) said:

How rare is this opportunity for H?

ICurrently only about 1 in 4 academic positions are offering tenure and everyone who is eligible applies since they are becoming less available.

The position itself is a good offer...but along with distance we aren't in love with the location.

He could get a tenure offer in the Northeast in the next cycle, though we can't say no based in that as any guarantee.

[flex]

Based on my past experience, I vote to stay close to family. I moved 3,000 miles away from family, so my kids don't know their cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunts/uncles, etc. And i regret being so far away from family.

When I was 20, it was no biggie. But for the past 20 years I've been wanting to move back so bad. But I didn't want to uproot my kids. ::sigh::

[sunshineluv]

I would stay. We made a decision early on in our marriage that we wanted to live within a 2 hour drive of our families. It would need to be a once in a life time, dream job, loads of money deal for us to move for his job.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

I'd sit tight.

[AutumnRose25]

Jul 5, 2016 15:28:48 GMT -5 isabel said:

What's the job prospect in your current location?

That isn't an easy answer.

He is in academia so it really is hit or miss what schools have positions available in his field and then his niche in any given job cycle.

[gummybear]

Based solely on the information provided, we would stay put. We lived 10 hours away from family when we were engaged. While it was "worth it" at the time, we both found it a bit isolating and emotionally difficult. And that was before we had kids. While we like our space, it's very important for our children to be close to their aunts/uncles/grandparents and cousins.

[FastHands]

As someone who moved before they had a kid and now has no nearby family, FUCKING STAY OMGGGGG STAAAAAAY.

[Deleted]

I didn't grow up around a lot of family and we moved a lot - everyone always managed to make good friends wherever we went and we still saw family at holidays.

I'd be inclined to embrace the move and adventure.

[balletofangels]

Screw family, stay close to me!

All kidding aside, we absolutely stay in the area because of family. You can never predict what will happen, but we absolutely would not have survived the last few years without family help. Obviously my health issues are extreme, but support is priceless IMO. My best friend does not live near family and has a 14 month old. She's really struggling.

[kaybee85]

H is also in academia and we are in the midst of discussions of staying overseas longer term than expected for a potential opportunity, so I get you there. If I were in your shoes and H was okay with waiting another cycle, I'd wait. I wouldn't want to commit to a tenure track position in a place I wasn't excited about.

[Deleted]

I'd move. I have single mom-ed without any family nearby and it certainly hasn't hindered any successes for me or DD. With you and your H together, you can do it.

And as a military brat, you learn to make your own family of friends and do just fine touching base with relatives by phone, email and holiday visits.

IDK. I guess I've just never viewed nearby family as a reason to stay anywhere.

[Deleted]

We're 400 miles away and although it's manageable, it's hard. We get burnt out in a way my brother and his wife don't because my parents live 2 blocks from them. They take our niece a night every week in the evening just for fun. It might be impossible if we didn't have the resources to go on dates to decompress and have help (Cleaning lady twice a month.)

[FastHands]

And full disclosure, I'm 99% selfish about the family. I want them close to help me. Having them be influential in DS's nice I guess is cool too. heh

[AutumnRose25]

Jul 5, 2016 15:27:30 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Depends on how cool the potential new location is.

The school is in Boca but we are looking to live in Delray Beach.

[anlo]

If this job were a once in a lifetime opportunity, I'd move. Otherwise, I'd stay put. We rely on family help so much with the kids, so that's very important to me. I know you said tenure track jobs are hit or miss, but I still wouldn't move from family to a location you aren't thrilled with anyway.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'd go with the TT position. The job market for academia is terrifying, and I know we would not pass up a TT position.

[lurknomore]

We moved 600 mi from both our families (smack dab in the middle) for the same reason. Im sure you know academic jobs are largely in the shitter. Without knowing his field i'd say the tenure-track positions in the north east are even harder to come by. You know it I'm sure that you could be waiting Waymore than one more cycle to find him a position there. It's not easy I won't lie it's fucking hard some days not being Near family. We've made a very strong network here that we all work together to raise our kids. There's no way I could do it without them. It's never an easy decision to move away. But in this case. Not sure you have much of A choice if your husband is really looking for an academic position. Good luck making a tough decision.

Eta: in DHs department, transfers of associate profs is not uncommon. This doesn't have to be a permanent move. Once he has tenure like it so much easier.

[Deleted]

Stay.

[moolarkey]

It is possible to still be close when family lives far away. My mom's family, while not 1500 miles away, was 500 miles away. We went to see them 4-5 times a year, they rarely came here though. Back then you didn't have email and long-distance was expensive. My mom and grandma each wrote each other twice a week. My mom wrote on Mondays and Thurdays (amiled on Tuesdays and Fridays) and my grandma wrote on Tuesdays and Fridays (mailed Wednesdays and Saturdays). They were usually on note paper, 2 pages and on both sides. We knew everything going on with everyone and they knew everything going on with us. It really did work, now you have facetime and email and phone calling isn't expensive.

But there is the trade-off, relatives don't/can't come for almost any school/church/community events you're involved in and that would have been nice.

I grew up in a small town where everyone, it seemed, was related to someone by me. My dad's family was 2.5 hours away.

Part of your consideration, I would think, is that for him to have an assured tenured position you have to move and you can't transfer back. The tenure is only good at that institution so you are there for a very long time.

There is also the issue of what to do when your parents are older. My mom was 500 miles away whenever my grandparents were sick and needed her. Luckily it wasn't often and neither had lengthy illness. On the other hand, when my mom became suddenly ill and was in and out of hospitals in her little town and here, I was an hour away. Doesn't sound like much until you are also trying to balance your job, keep your kids lives in balance and take care of your mom.

I don't have the answer for you but it can be doable to be close and live away but there are many compelling reasons to not move.

[Gato]

This is so hard. I know a family that moved to NJ for the H's academic position. As soon as he was put on the tenure track, he was able to transfer back to his home region. In fact, lots of people I've known in academia get tenure then bounce. But then, I know lots of others who get tenure expecting to go back home, but that position never materializes.

Personally, I don't think I would feel right passing up a tenure track offer. I'd make do in a place I didn't love, especially since your LO is young, so you might go back home before s/he gets older, when having family starts to really mean something.

What will it do to your career to move?

[CurlyQ284]

We live far from family and though I wouldn't change our decision because we live near SDs now and the kids can all be together, it is hard not to have any support system.


I vote stay put.

[moolarkey]

Jul 5, 2016 15:35:49 GMT -5 balletofangels said:

Screw family, stay close to me!

All kidding aside, we absolutely stay in the area because of family. You can never predict what will happen, but we absolutely would not have survived the last few years without family help. Obviously my health issues are extreme, but support is priceless IMO. My best friend does not live near family and has a 14 month old. She's really struggling.

We were close to H's younger brother and his wife. He took a job 500 miles away (same state as my grandparents!). They had baby #1 shortly after moving, 11 months later baby #2 and I thought my SIL was going to lose it. I literally called her (and I mean literally)every day and talked to her for an hour or 2.  Just talking about anything and everything because I was so worried about her.  This went on for a couple of years, until they moved back here and the girls were also a little older and she was in a better place. That was pretty awful.  They had no family, they did make some friends but no one that realized the condition she was in and she wouldn't reach out for help. I was her lifeline.

[ijack]

stay
I didn't grow up in close distance with my extended family and our relationship is decent, but it's nowhere as amazing as the one my girls have with my parents since they're only 45 minutes away. Not only is their support important for me, it's saved my butt many times, but I love watching the relationship they have with my kids. Priceless.

[read247]

This is tough. TT jobs aren't exactly a dime a dozen, and almost everyone I went through my PhD program with had to move in order to get a job after graduation. It's pretty much expected that it'll go that way. I only got a job that didn't require me to move because I took myself off the tenure track. DHs salary was so much more than I'd have been making there was no way it was realistic for him to give up his job and move to wherever I happened to land a TT position.

Then DH got a job we couldn't really say no to for many reasons and we moved about 350 miles away from our families when I was 5 months PG with #1. It wasn't my first choice by any means, and it doesn't sound far, but especially now that my kids are a little older it's not so easy to make a 3.5-4 hour trip on the regular. The kids have activities and school that are difficult to miss, and being a guest in anyone else's home, even my own parents, for more than a couple of nights wears pretty thin. So despite the smallish sounding distance we see my ILs 2-3 times/year and my parents maybe a couple more than that but only b/c they're more likely than the ILs to come here.

Yes, my kids are more distant not just geographically but also emotionally than I'd like from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Yes, it sucks that I have rarely (and really only when we visit them) had a family member to help with anything. I have never once been able to call my mom in a pinch and say I have a doctor's appointment, need a haircut, whatever and DH is OOT or can't cover, can she help me out? But this move was for a job that meets DHs career goals and supports my family financially in ways that wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed "home". We've been here 13 years now and while I'm still sad every day about "what could have been" I don't know that staying just for family would have been the right decision for us in the long run. It's easy to say "stay with family, they're worth more than any job" but you have to think realistically about how likely it is your DH will get another TT track offer at all in the near future, much less one that also lets you stay put. Good luck!

[Moe]

Go.

Have your DH get tenure. It's only 4-6 years.

Once you have tenure, move back.

The job security that you get with tenure is worth it.

[bittybomb]

Jul 5, 2016 15:29:11 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Jul 5, 2016 15:25:51 GMT -5 Ohhmm(bligo) said:

How rare is this opportunity for H?

ICurrently only about 1 in 4 academic positions are offering tenure and everyone who is eligible applies since they are becoming less available.

The position itself is a good offer...but along with distance we aren't in love with the location.

He could get a tenure offer in the Northeast in the next cycle, though we can't say no based in that as any guarantee.

I don't know how academia works, but would him already being on a tenure track give him any leg up for something that may come up in the NE the next cycle?

I would also consider how frequently you would be able to travel to visit family, and whether family would be willing to come visit you.

I am super close with my family, and we briefly considered relocating, but ultimately decided we'd be super unhappy if we did.  But I've had friends who have moved where they've known not a single other soul and have loved it. 

This is really tough - is your husband leaning one way over another?  (Like mine would be more likely to relocate because he likes people much more than I do, lol)