Should I follow my therapist advice?

[dd1204]

I'm having marital problem which I've spoken about here. My steps kids came from the Dominican Republic to live with us about 3 years ago. I petition for the kids to come with the agreement that my dh would pull his weight with the kids. I wanted to make sure everything relating to them wouldn't fall on me which it already did with our two girls . Long story short I'm fully responsible for all 4 kids with little help from him.

My step kids are in DR for the summer and I'm getting really anxious about them coming back. I'm starting school full time this fall,I work full time, i handle all household duties, take care of the kids, and run around town with my girls extra curricular activities. My therapist suggested that I tell my husband that the kids are not allowed to come back. She told me that the kids are his responsibility and that it's unfair for him to have dumped them on me. I know that with his mentally he's going to asked me for a divorce if I tell him that. I was planning on separating from him if nothing change once I finish my bachelor's. Now I'm stuck and not sure what to do.

Would it be unreasonable of me to ask him to leave the kids there?

[SKP82]

What? Yes, it would be unreasonable. They're his kids.

You should have a conversation with him about what you need him to do. If he's not willing to do those things, can you hire someone to help?

[Kristinmo]

Have you told him directly that you are doing more than your fair share of the work? Asked him to do more?

Yes, it would be unreasonable to ask him to leave the kids there and horrible to the kids.

[Deleted]

Either your therapist is a quack or we have WAY WAY WAY not enough information and back story.

[Deleted]

It's not fair to ask him to leave his kids in another country.

It is also not fair that he expects you to do everything.

Would he be willing to go to the therapist with you and work out a plan? Can you afford to hire help with household duties if he won't help?

[friendz4eva]

Your husband is the problem. Not the kids. Who is caring for them in the DR?

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 13:59:15 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

Have you told him directly that you are doing more than your fair share of the work? Asked him to do more?

Yes, it would be unreasonable to ask him to leave the kids there and horrible to the kids.

Yes, I've talked to him about helping out more but he hasn't. Before the kids came I outline everything I did and how harder it would be with two more kids.

[Kristinmo]

Jul 7, 2016 14:03:54 GMT -5 dd1204 said:

Jul 7, 2016 13:59:15 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

Have you told him directly that you are doing more than your fair share of the work? Asked him to do more?

Yes, it would be unreasonable to ask him to leave the kids there and horrible to the kids.

Yes, I've talked to him about helping out more but he hasn't. Before the kids came I outline everything I did and how harder it would be with two more kids.

Well, he's not going to pick you over his kids and it doesn't sound like he's going to change.  So you have 2 options: learn to live with it or leave.

[sacattack]

I don't know all the details of your situation but that seems kind of extreme to me. As a step-parent I couldn't stomach making that statement. While I get where the idea is coming from it just seems to be too much for me. Instead I would use this time to lay it out for your husband and let him know you are at your breaking point and want to use this time over the summer when you just have 2 kids to work things out. I would detail your expectations and have him detail his (laundry on Saturdays vs. all week, clean kitchen before bed or in the AM) and talk to him about them, then work to find a middle ground between what you want and what he wants.

If he is unwilling to help or change then you have a bigger issue. I think at that point you make the choice to stay and tolerate it or leave.

[Deleted]

Oh I remember this. My opinion would be unpopular on this board.

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:00:54 GMT -5 luschek said:

how old are the kids?

What is their residency status? Did you petition for them to come or did he?

Do the kids have any other family support in the US?

My first reaction is that it is an unreasonable request given the short notice. I think you need to have a sit-down with your H and maybe do a trial separation now.

15 and 13.
They have a green card and I petition for them. They have their maternal grandmother in NYC.

[Kristinmo]

And I'm pissed that this was brought up as an option and that you would even consider it. Think how pissed people get about rehoming pets - this is rehoming CHILDREN!

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:02:31 GMT -5 friendz4eva said:

Your husband is the problem. Not the kids. Who is caring for them in the DR?

They are with there mom. We send them over there every summer so that they can spend the summer with her.

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:05:31 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:03:54 GMT -5 dd1204 said:

Yes, I've talked to him about helping out more but he hasn't. Before the kids came I outline everything I did and how harder it would be with two more kids.

Well, he's not going to pick you over his kids and it doesn't sound like he's going to change.  So you have 2 options: learn to live with it or leave.

I don't want him to pick me over his kids at all. I just have a lot on my plate and he's no help.

[SKP82]

Jul 7, 2016 14:06:15 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Oh I remember this. My opinion would be unpopular on this board.

Is there a backstory here?

[TR]

If you separate from your husband, do you know if the step-children are legally his responsibility or yours or both since you petitioned for them to come here?

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:07:18 GMT -5 @fkasmace said:

I mean, I'm no therapist but IMO: the way she is suggesting makes you the bad guy and makes him choose between you and his kids. It misses the entire issue of him not pulling his weight and makes you look bad and him/the kids the victim. (Which the kids would be. This isn't their fault)

Have you laid out to him the schedule of your life and the kids' lives, like on paper. Not just talking. Make a schedule for everyone. "Dad takes Sabrina to gymnastics at 4pm" I've found telling my h to "do more" doesn't work. I need to be specific "you need to take the kids here at this time"

I may be missing a lot of backstory but this therapist sounds like quackery.

I also thought it would make me look like the bad guy. I don't want him to feel like is one or the other. I haven't write it on paper but I've talked about it. He's working out of town so he wouldn't be physically here to help out now.

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:10:29 GMT -5 TR said:

If you separate from your husband, do you know if the step-children are legally his responsibility or yours or both since you petitioned for them to come here?

They are his responsibility because he was the affidavit of support.

[mrssandro]

Ummm yeah you have a husband problem.

Without all the details the first thing that comes to mind is that you married into this. You married a man with kids. You can't reject them and send them back. It sounds like your marriage needs some work. If he isn't willing to give you the support you need then it's time for you to think about not staying married. But by no means would I suggest to not let the kids return.

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:14:42 GMT -5 luschek said:

Is this the same therapist that is from your/your H's culture? The one that sides with him all the time? If so, I think you need a new therapist. Ar at least one for you only. Seriously.

No, is a new therapist that I just started seeing on my own. I've had 3 sections with her already. Today she gave me that suggestion.

[TR]

Jul 7, 2016 14:15:50 GMT -5 dd1204 said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:10:29 GMT -5 TR said:

If you separate from your husband, do you know if the step-children are legally his responsibility or yours or both since you petitioned for them to come here?

They are his responsibility because he was the affidavit of support.

Then I know it's scary, but I would separate now. And then he'll have to choose whether he wants to continue to run away from the responsibility of raising his children or not.

[Deleted]

I think you should just get a divorce from that worthless POS and let him handle his own kids.

[Deleted]

Jul 7, 2016 14:10:24 GMT -5 SKP82 said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:06:15 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Oh I remember this. My opinion would be unpopular on this board.

Is there a backstory here?

Yes. She's posted before how her H makes way more money than she does. She's degree seeking for a bachelors. She feels unable to support herself until she has a bachelor's degree.  The husband doesn't lift a finger for the house because he makes much more money. The H has obviously proved he will not ever help with the kids. Kids won't listen to their SM. Father doesn't discipline. etc etc. There has been CTJ talks. They are safe and secure with their mom. Since the dad won't actually parent his kids then the kids should stay in the DR and come only in the summer. It's my personal opinion the OP should get her degree and leave her lazy ass husband. My XH pulled the same shit about money vs workload. XH for a good reason.

PDQ me if OP wants me to delete. 

[Deleted]

No. Don't punish the kids for your DH's lack of help. I think you need to decide if you want to stay married to this man...especially if he absolutely refuses to change/help more.

[cjcouple]

No way! This is about your DH not helping and shouldn't be an issue about the kids. All children should be treated equally!!

You and your DH need to sit down and discuss how you are splitting household chores. If he is unwilling to give in, time to start reflecting about what you want for the rest of your life.

How old are all the kids? Do they have chores? they should if they are school aged

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:17:40 GMT -5 TR said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:15:50 GMT -5 dd1204 said:

They are his responsibility because he was the affidavit of support.

Then I know it's scary, but I would separate now. And then he'll have to choose whether he wants to continue to run away from the responsibility of raising his children or not.

Is really really scary. The problem is that I'm going to feel guilty because if we separate his going to have the kids stay there. he's working out of town so he couldn't be responsible for them.

[Deleted]

Jul 7, 2016 14:18:25 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:10:24 GMT -5 SKP82 said:

Is there a backstory here?

Yes.

Okay, this totally changes things. My opinion has been changed.

[TR]

Jul 7, 2016 14:21:54 GMT -5 dd1204 said:

Jul 7, 2016 14:17:40 GMT -5 TR said:

Then I know it's scary, but I would separate now. And then he'll have to choose whether he wants to continue to run away from the responsibility of raising his children or not.

Is really really scary. The problem is that I'm going to feel guilty because if we separate his going to have the kids stay there. he's working out of town so he couldn't be responsible for them.

I know, but you can't live the rest of your life miserable because this guy got you to agree to essentially raise his kids for him.

[mrssandro]

I would leave him now and wait on the degree. The degree you can do via night school or online. Also you have rights here. He isn't the default parent. You need a lawyer stat. This isn't about his kids this is about how he isn't a partner in your marriage.

[dd1204]

Jul 7, 2016 14:21:53 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

No way! This is about your DH not helping and shouldn't be an issue about the kids. All children should be treated equally!!

You and your DH need to sit down and discuss how you are splitting household chores. If he is unwilling to give in, time to start reflecting about what you want for the rest of your life.

How old are all the kids? Do they have chores? they should if they are school aged

The kids do have and do chores. The problem is the everyday things. I'm having to choose which school conference to go to because I can oly make it to one, I have to run around town with sports, I'm the only one going to dr.appointment, I'm the only one paying the bills, grocery shopping, etc. He really doesn't get it.