If you have kids, and if you were wondering

[sparkles17]

if they will remember your divorce/split and if either party tried various manipulation tactics........yes, yes they will. Now, of course, it depends on the age, but........

....I'm posting this because I just heard the song "Look Away" by Chicago and had a flashback to being about 8 years old and my Dad crying and telling me "when I hear this song, I think about your Mom, I don't understand why she is doing this to me". Oy! Good thing I went to therapy when they were getting divorced

[achase123]

Oh my! This makes me so worried. P never knew XH and I together but I always fear that he will think something is "missing" or he is "different". I hope that XH never says anything to him to make him confused about why we split up. Honestly I don't plan on ever telling him the real story. A simple "daddy and mommy couldn't get along" will have to suffice. Maybe one day when he's old enough to really understand, like age 30 or something, the truth will come out.

[heavenly]

Yep! My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I remember my mom balling her eyes out on the toilet around that time, she asked me right then if I wanted to live with her or dad. That day on, I had to make adult decisions since both of my parents left it all up to me. There went my childhood.

I decided to live with my dad when I was a sophomore in high school. I hated living at the deaf school and wanted back in the public high school. With all my stuff packed in the back pick-up and dad pulling us out of the driveway, my mom fell to the ground crying in her front lawn. This image will haunt me forever.

[Deleted]

Yea I have some messed up memories of my dad introducing me and encouraging me to spend lots of time with the woman he was dating while still married to mom. He did this with two women. When I grew up and really put it all together I was a mess. And I felt so much guilt like I had betrayed my mom.

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 5, 2012 16:34:05 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Oh my! This makes me so worried. P never knew XH and I together but I always fear that he will think something is "missing" or he is "different". I hope that XH never says anything to him to make him confused about why we split up. Honestly I don't plan on ever telling him the real story. A simple "daddy and mommy couldn't get along" will have to suffice. Maybe one day when he's old enough to really understand, like age 30 or something, the truth will come out.

I think P will notice your xh's "issues" before he's 30.

[doriswe]

I was actually thrilled to pieces when my parents divorced....it's not always a bad thing!

[Deleted]

My dad passed away when I was five, I know that's very different from divorce, but at such a young age I think you just don't really understand what is going on fully. I know his death really hit me when I got a little older and could really understand the concept. While he was sick, it was "normal" to me since I didn't understand what cancer was and I didn't know any different. I imagine with divorce it's a big change that they probably will grasp better when they are older.

[stephbfan]

Sept 5, 2012 17:17:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I was actually thrilled to pieces when my parents divorced....it's not always a bad thing!

This!
I would have loved for my parents to get a divorce.
My first memory of my life was a time when I was 3 and my dad kicked us out of the house like at 3am. I even remember the fact that my mom as in such a hurry that she forgot to put my underwear on.
They are still married to the day.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 5, 2012 17:17:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I was actually thrilled to pieces when my parents divorced....it's not always a bad thing!

Ditto! My parents were awesome divorcees, though. They never fought in front of us, never talked shit about each other, and were friendly at school events. My parents' divorce didn't fuck me up, but my father's alcoholism did AND it would have fucked me up WAY worse had they stayed married and I been around it 24/7.

[sweetchix]

Sept 5, 2012 17:17:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I was actually thrilled to pieces when my parents divorced....it's not always a bad thing!

This. My Dad was an alcoholic and they fought a lot. I was 11 when they separated and 13 when they divorced. We actually had a divorce party for my mom. My now BIL and I even made a "congratulations" sign. Looking back I find that odd, but it really was a relief.

[doriswe]

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

[cemacmil]

Sept 5, 2012 21:33:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

Thank you doris! I can breathe now *golf clap*

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 5, 2012 21:33:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

Well put Doris!!

[roselis]

I am really glad that XH and I divorced when A was really young. Hell, we separated when he was just a month old. We have been able to get to a place of co-parenting and friendliness so that it won't affect A when he is older.

[sparkles17]

Sept 5, 2012 21:33:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

Do you want a cookie? All I said is that they will remember, I didn't say that they would be forever screwed in the head because of it. I had a memory today and shared it with everyone here. Period.

And for the record, I have kids.

[doriswe]

Sept 6, 2012 7:17:30 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Sept 5, 2012 21:33:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

Do you want a cookie? All I said is that they will remember, I didn't say that they would be forever screwed in the head because of it. I had a memory today and shared it with everyone here. Period.

And for the record, I have kids.

Actually, I would love a cookie!

Like I said, I get remembering stuff...I remember a ton of crap from my childhood but the tone of your OP was "your kid is going to remember your divorce" in a terrifying way.

[sparkles17]

Sept 6, 2012 7:23:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Sept 6, 2012 7:17:30 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Do you want a cookie? All I said is that they will remember, I didn't say that they would be forever screwed in the head because of it. I had a memory today and shared it with everyone here. Period.

And for the record, I have kids.

Actually, I would love a cookie!

Like I said, I get remembering stuff...I remember a ton of crap from my childhood but the tone of your OP was "your kid is going to remember your divorce" in a terrifying way.

If you were "terrified" by my post, then I don't know what to tell you. It was not meant to be terrifying, I was simply sharing my experience.

[roselis]

Sparkles17, I agree with Doris that the tone of the OP was that your children will remember your divorce and it will affect them for years, if not the rest of their life. For me, it was the title and opening line of the thread that did that.
If it was just the 2nd paragraph, then it would have felt like more of sharing an experience than warning parents that divorce screws up kids.
Just my 2 cents

[doriswe]

Sept 6, 2012 7:29:02 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Sept 6, 2012 7:23:58 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Actually, I would love a cookie!

Like I said, I get remembering stuff...I remember a ton of crap from my childhood but the tone of your OP was "your kid is going to remember your divorce" in a terrifying way.

If you were "terrified" by my post, then I don't know what to tell you. It was not meant to be terrifying, I was simply sharing my experience.

Trust me, you didn't scare me! My kids are well adjusted little people and I did the best I could with them before, during and after the divorce (i.e. counseling, lots of reassurance, etc).

If your post was set up like: "hey did you ever hear a song and have a flash back to your parents?", you would have opened the door for a discussion, which I assume you were trying to do.

[lovelybb]

D and I talk sometimes about his kids and wonder how they will be affected by his divorce. Their marriage wasn't the healthiest either so they would have been "affected" no matter what.... it's interesting because his son (the oldest) hates his mom. He thinks she's selfish and has no respect for her. He found out she cheated so that obviously affects his opinion. FTR, D never told him and he will never tell the other two. We hope he doesn't have a negative opinion of women and we think it's good for him to see D and I together and how we interact. He's even made the comment that he likes how chill I am and how there's no drama. He's also very sensitive about his younger sisters learning how to treat a man correctly because he's seen how his Mom treated his Dad.

His middle daughter definitely sides with her Mom more... we think she's started to believe some the crap the ex has said about D... and you can see that she's starting to pick up same of the bad habits of treating men from her Mom.... bossing them around, using them for $$, etc. She also likes the drama (good god).

The youngest is only 13, but she doesn't really seem to bothered by it at all. She's very chill and happy go lucky, but she's definitely been wanting to spend more time with D and I. She hates drama and just wants to be happy.

It will be interesting once they get into their first serious relationship.

The biggest shame is that D and her can't co-parent together. They just have such different parenting styles and can't seem get on the same page. She's very defensive whenever he tries to discuss things with her. It's difficult but he's doing the best without saying anything negative about her.

[aerochyck]

Sept 6, 2012 7:38:22 GMT -5 @roselis said:

Sparkles17, I agree with Doris that the tone of the OP was that your children will remember your divorce and it will affect them for years, if not the rest of their life. For me, it was the title and opening line of the thread that did that.
If it was just the 2nd paragraph, then it would have felt like more of sharing an experience than warning parents that divorce screws up kids.
Just my 2 cents

This is exactly how I felt as well.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 6, 2012 7:17:30 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Sept 5, 2012 21:33:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Can I also say that divorce isn't the only thing that sticks with kids into their adult years. A lot of crap can happen between birth and 18. I don't think it's fair to come here and scare the crap out of the amazing moms on here with "you're kids are going to be messed up because you aren't married to their dads".

I've survived a lot of traumatic things in my time and think I've succeeded in becoming a pretty amazing adult. Do I try to protect my kids from some of the crap that will come their way? Absolutely, but the thing is, none of us live perfect lives without issues that will stick with us (or our kids). I don't live in a vacuum and cannot prevent things from happening to my kids. Inevitably, someone along the way will say something that cuts my kid to the core and it will stick with him/her....it could be a friend, family, a teacher, or some random dude on the street. They will no doubt find themselves in situations that are difficult or traumatic. They will encounter losses that will stick with them for life.

I also tend to believe that kids who have parents who divorced (or aren't together) because the situation was unhealthy for all involved are lucky as hell! I understand what you're trying to get at with the song bringing back bad memories, but life hands us situations that aren't always sunshine and rainbows....regardless of our parents' marital status!

*steps off soap box*

Do you want a cookie? All I said is that they will remember, I didn't say that they would be forever screwed in the head because of it. I had a memory today and shared it with everyone here. Period.

And for the record, I have kids.

Holy defensiveness. Yeah, your post came off very-"Your children will be forever scarred, here is my memory-oy, thank god for therapy, sad face." You could have said, "Ugh, I just had a memory of my parent's divorce, it was sad. I wish my father hadn't put me in the middle." Not everyone's parents put them in the middle. Do I remember my parents divorce? Actually, not really, I know they did get a divorce when I was young, but it was not traumatic because my parents were adults who didn't put us in the middle. So-no, your premise is wrong anyway, NOT every child will remember.

Here, you could have just said, "I get what you are saying Doris, that's not what I meant, just trying to share an experience," but instead, you were kind of *middle finger* "get over yourself."

Pop a Xanax and relax.

[starburst604]

My take on my the divorce of my parents: They were miserable married, although I didn't realize it because they didn't openly fight while they were married. I remember one day seeing my friend's dad give her mom and kiss and a hug and realized I had never seen affection between my parents, it never occured to me that wasn't normal. They separated and had a bitter divorce in the the years when I was 9-12. My sister and I were put in the middle sometimes. We saw and heard things that we shouldn't have. My parents didn't handle it the best, but we still have good relationships with both of them. As an adult I'm able to realize that a) they are human and I don't blame them for not being able to control their emotions around us 24/7 b) I am glad they're divorced. Knowing now what a happy relationship should be, they were far from it. I'm glad they were both able to move on and find happiness c) They hated each other at the time but I know they loved us, I never had any doubt of that.

I guess my point is that as uncomfortable as kids can feel if a divorce is a rough one, as long as they know they are loved I think they are going to be ok. I know plenty of adults whose parents are married, yet they're still fucked up from some emotional baggage courtesy of their parents. I think if my parents stayed in their sham of a marriage my baggage could have been much worse.

[sparkles17]

Take it how you want. It's a message board. My tone obviously got lost. I never once said "your kids will be effed up" I just said that there is a good chance that they will remember. Sheesh.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 6, 2012 8:30:29 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Take it how you want. It's a message board. My tone obviously got lost. I never once said "your kids will be effed up" I just said that there is a good chance that they will remember. Sheesh.

8-D You could have just NOT been defensive and rude and people would have just carried on all, "Oh, okay, no harm, no foul."

[sparkles17]

Sept 6, 2012 8:54:06 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Sept 6, 2012 8:30:29 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Take it how you want. It's a message board. My tone obviously got lost. I never once said "your kids will be effed up" I just said that there is a good chance that they will remember. Sheesh.

You could have just NOT been defensive and rude and people would have just carried on all, "Oh, okay, no harm, no foul."

Then I apologize if that is how my post(s) came off, it was not intentional, if anything, my intial "do you want a cookie" was intended to be tongue in cheek.

[naeljun]

Sept 6, 2012 8:30:29 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Take it how you want. It's a message board. My tone obviously got lost. I never once said "your kids will be effed up" I just said that there is a good chance that they will remember. Sheesh.

I would expect DD to remember it. It is all in how you handle it as a parent. I think it is important to not use maniuplation tactics or speak negatively about your ex in front of your children. I don't think that my divorce is going to fuck up DD for the rest of her life. She was 3. We co-parent well. We try to not argue in front of her and also try to go out with her together a couple of times a year.

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 6, 2012 9:40:25 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Sept 6, 2012 8:54:06 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

You could have just NOT been defensive and rude and people would have just carried on all, "Oh, okay, no harm, no foul."

Then I apologize if that is how my post(s) came off, it was not intentional, if anything, my intial "do you want a cookie" was intended to be tongue in cheek.

Apparently you suck at tongue in cheek, you just came off like a twat.

[heavenly]

I just wanted to add that the OP post triggered my own memories and while it wasn't pleasant, it is all in the past and it is not recurring in the present. Sorry for the on the spot spill. I know that my parent's divorce is not my fault and out of my control as well as everyone did the best they could at that time with what they knew and got.

Now my son, yes he is aware that mommy and daddy are not living together but that is not necessarily a bad thing. My son is a very lucky boy, both of his parents loves him very much and make him a priority in life. He knows he can count on both of us as well as his grandparents and we all work together as a team.
For some of us with unpleasant memories, we can learn from our past and do things differently for our future.

[sparkles17]

Sept 6, 2012 10:19:40 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Sept 6, 2012 9:40:25 GMT -5 @sparkles17 said:

Then I apologize if that is how my post(s) came off, it was not intentional, if anything, my intial "do you want a cookie" was intended to be tongue in cheek.

Apparently you suck at tongue in cheek, you just came off like a twat.

Name calling? Really? I apologized, what do you want from me?