I don't know where to put this. Experience with alcoholics?

[spanikopita]

Both of my siblings are alcoholics.

One is in recovery (again - major relapses twice in the last 12 months). The other is in denial, or else he just enjoys the pain and self pity.

I am struggling mightily with this. My parents marriage is wrecked, not because of this, but the fact that my sibling in recovery has moved back in with them - its the nail in the coffin that is their marriage.

We've had 3 suicide attempts (the alcoholics). 

I'm 35 and paranoid that I'm an alcoholic ticking time bomb.

My relationship with my mother is nearly ruined because she's venting to me things that are inappropriate for her to discuss with her child (and yes, she DOES have a therapist!).

I don't know what I'm asking. I just need to put this out there. My nuclear family is gone. Its gone!!! And I feel like I'm tainted & I'm going to break my own family. 



I've been to Al Anon once. I did not find it useful but ... perhaps I wasn't ready.

[spanikopita]

[irene adler]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you seen a therapist for yourself? This is a lot of really heavy material to handle on your own.

I wish I had better advice. Sending you love and strength.

[spanikopita]

Jul 17, 2016 22:11:11 GMT -5 @domerjen said:

Yes, both of my parents are alcoholics, and my therapist has been wonderful helping me sort out my feelings. She recommended this book Codependent No More. It was kind of a mindfuck for me, but it was somewhat helpful. It's worth reading.

www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468811402&sr=1-1&keywords=codependent+no+more

Thanks.

Just bought this for my Kindle.

Alcoholism is a mindfuck on a series of levels I never anticipated...

[fumbalina]

There are many alcoholics in my nuclear family. The most important thing to remember is that you cannot change their choices. If you need to create space between you, that is am acceptable path.

It is hard to see the destruction that addiction can cause. Sometimes the addict can issue blame to others, but remember it is just another destructive behavior.

[spanikopita]

Jul 17, 2016 21:49:04 GMT -5 irene adler said:

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Have you seen a therapist for yourself? This is a lot of really heavy material to handle on your own.

I wish I had better advice. Sending you love and strength.

Thank you.

Not seeing  therapist currently; I had one before the most recent relapse/suicide but she was not a fit for me.

I need to make it a priority. Avoidance only goes so far!

[boxertdog]

If you aren't exhibiting problem drinking behaviors you aren't going to spontaneously become an alcoholic. You are or you aren't. You know the answer.

I don't speak to my mother or brother anymore. Sometimes their problems invade your own life too much and you need to cut out to protect yourself. That's ok.

[Deleted]

Al Anon really annoyed the fuck out of me. And maybe it was just that chapter. idk.
My dad was an alcoholic. This eventually led to his death in which I had to make the choice to pull the plug. Thanks dad. My parents got divorced over it after 27 years of marriage and then my dad died shortly there after. He fucked up every few years for about 30 yrs (but was able to get straight after an episode or two) and then when he lost his job and started out on his own (sales rep), it was a downward spiral. Once my dad moved out, he was able to drink willy nilly and it wrecked our relationship. He would call me drunk at 2 am and I would just tell him "Dad, I love you but I can't talk to you when you are drunk". I held him at arm's length and never really exerted effort into helping him. I can't say I regret it or not. I don't think he wanted the help. Yes, it hurts that he chose alcohol over me. But he's an adult and I couldn't control his life.
My mom also vented to me about my dad's two affairs (inappropriate for your 17 yr old) and a lot of other stuff so I hold her at arm's length. My mom does ask me for money and it often shakes me because I want to help her but she doesn't want to help herself. This place helped me from giving her 2K for taxes. And guess what? She found the money and paid the taxes herself!
I stopped trying to get my family to work and function how people display it in the movies. I just can't let their toxic behaviors into my life. I also don't try and make it work with any of my siblings except one who I naturally get along with. Just because they are blood and you were raised with them doesn't mean it's a forever thing. You are allowed to choose who gets the privilege of being in your life. ((hugs))

[UnderProtest]

No advice, just hugs. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, emotionally, financially and physically. Huge hugs.

[bostonmichelle]

Big hugs. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I think finding a therapist will help you tremendously. I went to therapy after my mom's death and it really helped pull me up.

[tacom]

It's a super shitty situation to be in. Therapy and distance (emotional and physical) have done wonders for me. I hope you find some peace.

[dr.girlfriend]

I'm so sorry. My dad is a raging alcoholic, and an abusive one, and now that they're retired I think my mom is well on her way to being an alcoholic because she drinks to cope with him. I am also in the uncomfortable situation where my mom vents to me about the awful way he behaves when he's drunk, but yet she won't leave him. I've finally told her that I'm not listening to any more of it. I have to protect myself and my family, and if she chooses to stay that's her decision.

My fear of becoming alcoholic has been lifelong, so I've actually never been drunk. I have a strict one-drink limit for myself. I definitely recognize a pattern early on, where if my parents came to visit me every night and had wine the first night without them I would crave wine, or even now if I have a bad day I think, "I need a drink." The few times I had more than one drink when I was young I seemed to have a really high tolerance -- from talking to other family members I think we probably all have that pattern where we don't really get "buzzed," we drink and are seemingly unaffected and then with the next drink are suddenly raging drunk.

So, I don't know what help this is, but I definitely feel your pain. I don't really think I will become alcoholic, just because I'm so cautious of it. I do notice when I'm sad I self-medicate with other things -- chocolate, or sleep. I am very worried about my son, though, because I suspect he has the genetic predisposition without the giant caution sign of growing up with an alcoholic. But, I will warn him about it a lot, and all of my cousins all turned out okay (our fathers are brothers, and both were alcoholics) so I think you can fight it. I'm very careful to keep my son away from my father, which is really sad, but they only have visits supervised by me and my mom often comes up on her own to get away from my dad.

[Deleted]

Everyone has given great advice, but I wanted to reinforce that you should never, ever feel obligated to maintain toxic relationships. Any relationship that is mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially draining needs be evaluated. It is perfectly okay to stop saving everyone else and start saving yourself. And it's perfectly okay to find a therapist to reinforce those thoughts too.

[drloretta]

No advice, just hugs. I hope you find a good therapist who can work with you. That's a lot to handle

[Marmee]

I'm so sorry. I have no good advice. I'm fairly certain one of my siblings is an alcoholic. My parents were in denial until recently. I suspected for years but it wasn't until another sibling said something that my parents admitted it. Their marriage is a mess and has been forever. I've been my mom's sounding board for her gripes about my dad for 30yrs. It's not fair but I just tolerate it. My main coping mechanism is distance. I love them all but it's best for my mental health that I only see them 1-2 times a year.

[trissie18]

I am sorry you are having to deal with the nightmare that is alcoholism. It is so hard to step back and accept that the only person we can control is ourselves when all you want to do is grab the person by the shoulders and shake them really hard while screaming at them to wake up and quit the crap.

Two of my siblings are alcoholics and my FIL is an abusive alcoholic.

I am estranged from my youngest sibling and only interact with the oldest of my siblings (all three are younger than me) when I visit my parents (four to five times a year) because he lives with them. My parents have tried so many times to help both of the alcoholics but it's been a losing battle and they have finally taken a step back as well. I think my third sibling could easily become an alcoholic but he is pursing his dream of being a vet so he is able to maintain control at this point. Alcoholism is very prevalent in my father's side of the family (my father has been sober for almost 30 years after my mother gave him the ultimatum of his family or the alcohol - I only vaguely remember when he used to drink) so like you I have always been very nervous that I would also become one. Thankfully I do not care for the taste of most alcohol and will only occasionally have a wine cooler.

We have not spoken to FIL since December 27th, 2015 after saying enough is enough of the verbal abuse that comes with his alcoholism. This has been the hardest emotionally for us as MIL is on a constant roller coaster between trying to convince us to forgive and forget and saying she is done with him herself. Our relationship with her is very superficial at this point with contact maybe once every other week or so (they live five minutes from us and we used to see them at least three days a week). Removing our family from the toxic relationship was the best decision we made and DH is in therapy along with his brother to help them deal with their emotions and feelings from the verbal abuse they have suffered all of their lives and also to deal with the constant pressure to change their minds. It has been quite the mindfuck for the last seven months not counting everything leading up to the decision. But the more we have learned from other people (FIL used to physically abuse MIL) and the crap we hear is still happening makes our decision to step away become easier and easier although we still have a ways to go before the guilt is no longer eating us alive. The most hurtful part for DH is that his father is choosing alcohol over his children and grandchildren, and his mother is choosing her house and the emotional abuse that comes with it over her children and grandchildren (FIL refuses to leave and she thinks that she would have to sell if she divorced him even though she can afford it on her own).

[beachdweller]

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. My dad was a drug addict (so similar situation) and eventually committed suicide in his 30s after multiple stints in rehab to get it together. Like you, my mother inappropriately put a lot on me as a kid and now my nuclear family is very dysfunctional. I've never touched any drugs as a result of the family history (and have a drink or two on occasion but not regularly). My history did result in pretty extreme anxiety on my part. It's hard to deal with (and make the time for it), but I think regular therapy for an extended period is necessary to get through the issues. I did therapy weekly for a year, then every other week for a year, then once a month for several months before I decided I was in a good place. HANG IN THERE; I promise it gets better. I have built a great life with my DH and kiddos and consider them my "family" now.