I don't really know what I want, but I need to talk about it

[berbles]

I'm a ball of anxiety today.

Background (I'll try to be succinct):
FI and I dated non-exclusively for the first year. Then he went out of town with a friend, met up with a female friend while he was there, she posted pics that I could see, it made me super uncomfortable, and I knew it was time to have the exclusivity talk with him because it really bothered me that he was with this other chick, even though he was absolutely doing nothing wrong.

Over the last 3 years I've mentioned to him a few times that this chick rubs me the wrong way. I've never met her, but I've read exchanges between them and she is often inappropriate, either directly flirting with him or in once instance, "jokingly" trying to get him to hook up with her friend.

She does not live local to us (but she does live local to his parents). So I have tried to, against my gut feeling that she is a terrible person, not interfere with his friendship. I trust him, but I do NOT trust her. She clearly does not respect me or our relationship, but she's not what I would consider an actual threat. And when I have read their messages, she is ALWAYS the one instigating. He seems to just play along like a fucking idiot. They always use FB messenger, and he knows fully well that I can check his FB at any time. 

So yesterday, I was using FI's computer to book us flights to Vegas for our friend's wedding. I did not go searching, but FB was open in another tab and a desktop notification pops up from her that says, "Please be awake." I hemmed about whether to click the open FB tab. But I eventually did. Her message was sent at 6:30am (WTF) and he did not respond. That made me happy.

But then I scrolled.

Firstly, the FB message string only goes back to the beginning of June. I know for SURE that FB messages go back forever unless you delete them. So that makes me think he has deleted previous conversations with her. Not good. Then a message from her from right after he proposed:
Her: I can't believe you're getting married. I always thought you would pine after my heart.
Him: I will always pine after your heart.

I'm crushed. He basically just told her that he loves her and always will. Am I just a consolation prize because he can't have her because she lives in AZ? What happens if she ever moves to our area? 

I've already told him that we need to talk tonight. I plan to tell him that he needs to end the friendship immediately. I gave him a chance to stay friends with her despite my feelings about her, and he proved me right. He can't be platonic friends with this chick. But I am still reeling. It's making me question everything, including whether we should even be engaged.

I told him VERY SPECIFICALLY (and recently) that one of THE MOST important things to me in marriage is communication and honesty. That temptations WILL happen, but I expect full transparency if and when it happens, so we can work through it together. I don't know what to do. He's treading in a very grey area, but there is no question that he's been inappropriate. But I'm straddling the line of whether this is not a huge deal or a really fucking huge deal.

[iamali]

I'm so sorry. That would be really hard.

[pandorica]

I'm so sorry. This would be a really huge deal to me

[jlt19]

First, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there. A few times. And I always justified it one way or another. It's not fun and sometimes I wish I would have walked away the first time. But, just b/c one guy "offends" more than once, doesn't mean every guy will, so I'm not going to tell you what to do. His reaction tonight should be telling. Big hugs.

[pantsparty]

I'm sorry. His response to her would really unsettle me. Only you can decide what you want to do once you talk with him. It's possible his response to her was meant to be lighthearted and joking, but it's clear that she continues to push their relationship in a non-platonic way.

[Kit]

That would be a huge deal to me. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. She is being totally inappropriate, and it sounds like, maybe at one point, he was too.

[Kristinmo]

I'm so sorry. I would expect him to end all contact.

[sequins]

If she's always kind of inappropriate, was she saying it jokingly? Are their interactions mostly tongue-in-cheek? I know this guy who is always making jokes like this but as far as I know he is deeply in love with his wife and they are rock solid. It's still a problem that she doesn't respect you so talking to your FI about is good. I'm just throwing out the first point so you don't think they are soulmates who are apart or something.

[Deleted]

You're a bigger person than I am, because I would have replied to the "please be awake" message with "hey" and see how that played out.

Good luck with the talk.

P.S. You can also archive FB conversations and not lose them.

[cleo29]

Had they ever dated? I am not always sure you can be friends after dating or if one person has always wanted more than the other person. I think, at some point, it will become an issue.

What does your gut tell you about your FI? Do you think, if it were geographically possible, would be want to be with her?

[TR]

Ugh, berbles, I'm sorry, that is really hard Did he actually date her/hook up with her before you guys were exclusive? Or have they always been friends?

I think you're doing the right thing in telling him he needs to end the friendship full stop immediately. If he gave any push back or argument, I'd have to think long and hard about the future of the relationship.

I'd probably just start the conversation with, "Anything you want to tell me about Friend's Name?" Just to see what he says without knowing what you know. You know?

Uuuggghhhhh I hate this for you.

[flex]

I mean this in a totally kind way--no snark here:  are you sure marrying him is a good thing to do? Do you feel the FB conversation, etc., could possibly be always be hanging over his head?

[janegold]

I'm sorry, this would really upset me too.

I think he probably meant the message in a joking way, not that he is truly in love with her or views you as second best. But there is no doubt that it is inappropriate and that allowing this type of dialogue with her to continue after you were very clear about your feelings is very disrespectful. At this point, I think you have every right to demand an ultimatum - end his friendship with her completely and immediately. You've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and he has not earned it. Your feelings on this comes first and it is fair for you to make some demands here.

[kris356]

I am kinda thinking along the lines of sequins, but it would still make me incredibly uncomfortable.
I would tell him he needs to end all contact and my next steps would be determined by his answer.
If he said no, I would be out.

I'm sorry.

[silva]

How crushing. I hope your talk tonight brings you some relief. Maybe he will see this as a COJ moment.

[berbles]

Jul 25, 2016 13:59:47 GMT -5 sequins said:

If she's always kind of inappropriate, was she saying it jokingly? Are their interactions mostly tongue-in-cheek? I know this guy who is always making jokes like this but as far as I know he is deeply in love with his wife and they are rock solid. It's still a problem that she doesn't respect you so talking to your FI about is good. I'm just throwing out the first point so you don't think they are soulmates who are apart or something.

He has other friends who he can be inappropriate with, especially to others, but it is completely tongue-in-cheek and 100% transparent with me. Not a big deal. THIS particular woman has never, IMO, respected me or our relationship.

Oh and BTW, she has a boyfriend. With whom she lives, I believe. So she's an extra shitty person. And I've told FI that.

If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

[Jewelz5883]

[Deleted]

>>If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

I mean, is it worth it at that point? To be THAT woman with the kind of FI who wouldn't give up a tangential out-of-town friend who threatens his relationship? At that point, he's making a choice (not you) and you throwing a boundary tantrum to the girl and her bf isn't going to help him stay on your side of the wall.

If he doesn't agree 100% to no contact and cutting her off, I'd get rid of the FI.

[berbles]

I'm 100% sure he slept with her before we were exclusive, but they never actually dated. He was her EMT instructor for 2 weeks and then she went back home.

[doglove]

Jul 25, 2016 14:05:55 GMT -5 berbles said:

If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

Is this a good idea? You can't control other people's actions and clearly she's already shown that she doesn't respect you. This really isn't about whether or not she respects you, but the fact that he continues to have her in his life and communicate with her (inappropriately) rather than cutting the friendship out on his own because of her lack of respect for you all as a couple. That's the part that makes me most worried about this for you. If she's being inappropriate, why isn't he stepping up to cut her off rather than participating in it? Hope you can get some answers. Big hugs berbles .

[TR]

Jul 25, 2016 14:08:56 GMT -5 tators said:

Jul 25, 2016 14:05:55 GMT -5 berbles said:

He has

If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

This is.... Unwise. If he can't do it, you need to peace out. You've been uneasy for sometime about her. There is a reason. Trust your gut.

Ditto. Nothing good will come from you speaking to her or her boyfriend. This is between you and your FI. She may very well be an inappropriate see-you-next-Tuesday, but he is allowing it and he is the one who owes you not to be.

ETA: If anything it will make her feel good that you're the one cutting things off and not him. It will just fuel the twisted Romeo & Juliet thing she thinks they have going on.

[berbles]

Jul 25, 2016 14:01:02 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

You're a bigger person than I am, because I would have replied to the "please be awake" message with "hey" and see how that played out.

Good luck with the talk.

P.S. You can also archive FB conversations and not lose them.

Yeah, that's just not the kind of person I am, mostly because he would be able to see me doing that in real-time from his phone.

[1confused1]

Hugs

[cleo29]

Jul 25, 2016 14:05:55 GMT -5 berbles said:

Jul 25, 2016 13:59:47 GMT -5 sequins said:

If she's always kind of inappropriate, was she saying it jokingly? Are their interactions mostly tongue-in-cheek? I know this guy who is always making jokes like this but as far as I know he is deeply in love with his wife and they are rock solid. It's still a problem that she doesn't respect you so talking to your FI about is good. I'm just throwing out the first point so you don't think they are soulmates who are apart or something.

He has other friends who he can be inappropriate with, especially to others, but it is completely tongue-in-cheek and 100% transparent with me. Not a big deal. THIS particular woman has never, IMO, respected me or our relationship.

Oh and BTW, she has a boyfriend. With whom she lives, I believe. So she's an extra shitty person. And I've told FI that.

If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

Tell her he can't be friends with her anymore? I would NOT do this. It has to come from him and if he is not willing to do so, then that should be telling to YOU about whether or not he is ready to be married.

I am sorry. I know this suck, I was in something similar and it just sucked.

[TR]

Jul 25, 2016 14:11:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

Jul 25, 2016 14:01:02 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

You're a bigger person than I am, because I would have replied to the "please be awake" message with "hey" and see how that played out.

Good luck with the talk.

P.S. You can also archive FB conversations and not lose them.

Yeah, that's just not the kind of person I am, mostly because he would be able to see me doing that in real-time from his phone.

Although the mental picture of him realizing what's happening IS pretty amusing.

[jlt19]

Jul 25, 2016 14:09:40 GMT -5 berbles said:

I'm 100% sure he slept with her before we were exclusive, but they never actually dated. He was her EMT instructor for 2 weeks and then she went back home.

Oh, so this isn't like a life long friend situation?

Nope. She's gone. He shouldn't hesitate one iota on this.

[ECB]

Yeah... so I'm going back and forth on this. I agree- it COULD be flirting/joking. And I actually expect that will be his defense.

But dude. He's ENGAGED to you. That shit NEEDS TO STOP. Even if HE meant it as a joke, there is something on her end that isn't a joke. It NEEDS TO STOP.

I suspect he enjoys the attention, though.

When you talk to him - don't go in with "you're ending this friendship". Talk about it, talk about how upset you are, talk about how when he's engaged (and eventually married), this kind of relationship is NOT O.k. Ask him how he'd feel if you were talking like this with some guy?

AND see if HE'S the one to come around and realize he needs to just end it with this girl. I hope he does because I think it will mean more to you if HE'S the one to realize it, if he's the one to make the choice to put you and your feelings first

If he doesn't and if you have to actually tell him this, and if he pushes back - then that's very telling. Somewhere in this mix, this girl and her feelings matter more.

Good luck.

[berbles]

Jul 25, 2016 14:10:17 GMT -5 doglove said:

Jul 25, 2016 14:05:55 GMT -5 berbles said:

If he tries to push back on telling her goodbye forever, my plan is to tell her myself AND tell her bf.

Is this a good idea? You can't control other people's actions and clearly she's already shown that she doesn't respect you. This really isn't about whether or not she respects you, but the fact that he continues to have her in his life and communicate with her (inappropriately) rather than cutting the friendship out on his own because of her lack of respect for you all as a couple. That's the part that makes me most worried about this for you. If she's being inappropriate, why isn't he stepping up to cut her off rather than participating in it? Hope you can get some answers. Big hugs berbles .

That's exactly what I EXPECTED him to do. But he didn't. And he gon' learn today, there is only ONE way to deal with that situation.

Because if the roles were reversed, my reaction to one of my guy friends saying that would have been, "I would hope that you're happy for me and for us. If not, we probably shouldn't stay friends. I really love him and he makes me really happy."

[mrssandro]

The wording just sounds sarcastic to me. It sounds like they have always causally flirted and made sarcastic inappropriate remarks to each other. Does any of the other conversations make you think there is more?

By no means does this make it okay. It was not cool and yes I agree there needs to be a come to Jesus talk about this "friendship" and he has some explaining to do.

[silva]

Yeah. agree with others. Don't tell her or her BF, that won't help your case. Put it all on your FI because it's about you and him. No one else. He should be the one making the effort once this comes to light. Let him explain himself and let him come up with the solution.