Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 15:15:18 GMT -5
Hey all I have been lurking around TIP for awhile now, and you ladies routinely give smart advice. This is a problem I can't share with anyone IRL, so I'm hoping you all can help. (CN at bottom.)
I have been engaged for nine months, wedding is in 3 months. Last week, FI came home and told me he felt like there wasn't enough intimacy in our relationship, emotional or physical, and he was thinking of calling off the wedding. I am still pretty shocked - he had been acting withdrawn for awhile, but had told me when I asked that it was because of work related stress. Apparently, that was not the truth. The emotional intimacy part, I understand, and we are taking steps to.address it, but we're kind of at a standstill when it comes to the physical stuff.
Our sex life has been waning for awhile. I have tried to initiate things a few times, but once he said I was "doing it wrong" and walked away, and once he laughed at my efforts and asked if I "forgot how to do this." He claims not to remember either of these incidents, but apologized when I brought them up. My problem now is that he has said we will not have sex again unless I initiate it, and I just don't know how. Plus, I feel like, since my last two efforts were such failures, the burden is on him to tell me or show me what he wants, but he says doing that would "ruin it" and if he has to tell me what to do it just won't be sexy. I have no idea how to get the ball rolling, and I guess I am looking for suggestions on where to go from here.
CN: Holy long! Short story - wedding is in 3 months, FI is going to call it off if I don't start initiating sex, I have no idea how and my last few attempts to do so were disastrous, and FI won't tell me what to do instead of what I was doing because then it "wouldn't be sexy." What so I do?
Pfft. As though he expects you to be a mind-reader. He's telling you that what you're doing isn't working for him (and in a pretty damn cruel way, might I add), but he won't tell you what works? I'm calling bullshit. There's something rotten in Denmark.
I feel like this is less of a sex issue and more of a communication issue. Do you really want us to tell you how to get laid (easy) or would you rather focus on the fact that you are not able to talk this out with your fiance (more complicated)? For a subject that is so important to him, he doesn't seem willing to put much effort into helping you figure it out.
Is anything else going on? What about the lack of emotional intimacy? That clearly has not been fixed. The physical stuff seems like it would follow right along.
Any chance there's a sidepiece? Or he's otherwise having doubts about getting married and is trying to make this your fault?
I agree w/ kuus. You guys have major communication issues - do you really want to put a ring on this? Getting married isn't going to fix these issues, in fact it will make them worse if you don't deal with them (or maybe choose to walk away).
I think you should call it off, and not even think wedding until this is completely sorted out.
I know I'm a nobody here, but I agree. Actually, my initial reaction didn't include anything regarding sorting it out. DTMFA.
My initial reaction was the same, but then I tried to see it from the fiance's perspective. Who knows if maybe he's been trying to fix this for a while and has at this point built up a little resentment? It's worth finding out, I think.
Post by Dramasailor on May 17, 2012 15:29:57 GMT -5
Well, to play a twisted devil's advocate-ish here....
You said you tried to initiate a few times before. Once you were "doing it wrong" and once he laughed because you "forgot how to do it". Aside from both tactics being incredibly patronizing and asshatish, I'm curious. What were you doing to try initiating those times?
For example (and I'm sure you didn't do this) if you were to walk in and pour hot water on his junk and start talking about how it was getting hot in here, that would be doing it wrong. What kinds of things have you tried? Have you tried asking him what he considers initiating sex?
Regardless of all of this (and really the answers to all this), I'm still inclined to just say DTMFA, because the whole attitude of laughing at you because you forgot how to initiate just screams douchefuck, and he deserves to be alone with that kind of attitude.
Is this not screaming "controlling douchecanoe" to anyone else? How I'm reading this is that regardless of what she does its not good enough but he's not going to tell her what he wants. And if she doesn't step it up right quick he's calling off the wedding?
I dunno... This seems controlling, manipulating... something I think I'd be running for the hills over, not looking for a counselor.
I know I'm a nobody here, but I agree. Actually, my initial reaction didn't include anything regarding sorting it out. DTMFA.
My initial reaction was the same, but then I tried to see it from the fiance's perspective. Who knows if maybe he's been trying to fix this for a while and has at this point built up a little resentment? It's worth finding out, I think.
Kuus, he has brought this up before, and it is something I've been trying to work on (hence the two failed attempts), so he probably does have some resentment for me at this point. I really do want to try to address this, but I'm stymied by his complete unwillingness to talk about what I can do to fix the situation. He's more experienced than I am (by a lot) so I suspect he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how I'm basically functionally retarded when it comes to the bedroom.
It sounds like I need to get myself to counseling. And call off the wedding (which will be awesome). I love him, but I kind of can't stand him right now for putting me in this position.
Post by picklepie09 on May 17, 2012 15:34:23 GMT -5
Honestly, my GUT reaction is that he has someone else. And this is his way of getting out of the wedding. I may be wrong.. I hope I am.
Any guy I have ever know doesn't care if you are "doing it wrong" they love the act of whatever is happening. I get it if it was that way all the time. Is he your first?
I think that as PP said you need to postpone the wedding and as Kuss I think said, you need to focus on this issue before you take the plunge.
it sounds bizarre for me to give sex advice since I myself am in a rut but DH and I have been together for 13 years. Its bound to get a bit boring and routine.
Ask him what he wants, in a sexy way... and try. If that then doesn't get you anywhere I would seriously consider calling off the wedding completely
Well, to play a twisted devil's advocate-ish here....
You said you tried to initiate a few times before. Once you were "doing it wrong" and once he laughed because you "forgot how to do it". Aside from both tactics being incredibly patronizing and asshatish, I'm curious. What were you doing to try initiating those times?
For example (and I'm sure you didn't do this) if you were to walk in and pour hot water on his junk and start talking about how it was getting hot in here, that would be doing it wrong. What kinds of things have you tried? Have you tried asking him what he considers initiating sex?
Regardless of all of this (and really the answers to all this), I'm still inclined to just say DTMFA, because the whole attitude of laughing at you because you forgot how to initiate just screams douchefuck, and he deserves to be alone with that kind of attitude.
The hot water thing has me dying right now.
I think his problem was that I'm timid - I tried to get a make-out session going, but I'm not this aggressive, "pin him to the couch and take my prize" type. The thing that pisses me off a little though is that I NEVER have been, and we've been together 3 years, so I'm not really sure why it's a problem now and wasn't before, or alternatively, why he waited three freakin' years to tell me it was a problem.
My initial reaction was the same, but then I tried to see it from the fiance's perspective. Who knows if maybe he's been trying to fix this for a while and has at this point built up a little resentment? It's worth finding out, I think.
Kuus, he has brought this up before, and it is something I've been trying to work on (hence the two failed attempts), so he probably does have some resentment for me at this point. I really do want to try to address this, but I'm stymied by his complete unwillingness to talk about what I can do to fix the situation. He's more experienced than I am (by a lot) so I suspect he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how I'm basically functionally retarded when it comes to the bedroom.
It sounds like I need to get myself to counseling. And call off the wedding (which will be awesome). I love him, but I kind of can't stand him right now for putting me in this position.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you. So what if you're a little awkward/shy? Any kind of caring and loving partner would be willing to work with you, not expect you to be a mind-reader and "fix" yourself. And how you're referring to yourself tells me that this is how HE is making you feel.
I don't think you need counseling. I think you need out.
Kuus, he has brought this up before, and it is something I've been trying to work on (hence the two failed attempts), so he probably does have some resentment for me at this point. I really do want to try to address this, but I'm stymied by his complete unwillingness to talk about what I can do to fix the situation. He's more experienced than I am (by a lot) so I suspect he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how I'm basically functionally retarded when it comes to the bedroom.
It sounds like I need to get myself to counseling. And call off the wedding (which will be awesome). I love him, but I kind of can't stand him right now for putting me in this position.
you're doing the right thing.
i've had two friends who were divorced within 3 months of their wedding who said "i can't believe i went through with it because i was scared of losing deposits and telling people..blah blah". Look at the big picture: what's the biggest heart ache: cancelling a wedding or going through with it and being miserable/divorcing/killing him?
Much more experience? Who cares? FI and I work with what we like and we communicate that to each other - that's what I would think should happen in a healthy relationship. You can't just read the other person's mind ot know what they like/prefer or don't prefer. Has your relationship been like this since the beginning?
Is he like this in other situations as well besides just the bedroom?
Post by fussbucket on May 17, 2012 15:40:34 GMT -5
I definitely think you need to listen to your gut. And to what a callous person he is.
Between the lines you don't sound to me like you will feel too devastated for too long after you call things off and perhaps take some time apart as you consider what's next.
To me I don't hear either of you really being into this, but to date only one of you had gotten fed up with going through the motions.
My initial reaction was the same, but then I tried to see it from the fiance's perspective. Who knows if maybe he's been trying to fix this for a while and has at this point built up a little resentment? It's worth finding out, I think.
Kuus, he has brought this up before, and it is something I've been trying to work on (hence the two failed attempts), so he probably does have some resentment for me at this point. I really do want to try to address this, but I'm stymied by his complete unwillingness to talk about what I can do to fix the situation. He's more experienced than I am (by a lot) so I suspect he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how I'm basically functionally retarded when it comes to the bedroom.
It sounds like I need to get myself to counseling. And call off the wedding (which will be awesome). I love him, but I kind of can't stand him right now for putting me in this position.
Honestly, two "failed" attempts at initiating sex shouldn't result in resentment for your partner. That's asinine. Now, if he'd been trying steadfastly for a year to get you to be more involved in initiating, had made suggestions of what works for him and what he'd like, AND was being a stand-up guy about the whole thing (which I can understand not wanting to be the sole initiating force behind sex in a relationship)....then yeah, I can see where resentment could start to build. But two attempts = asshole attitude? Nope. Fuck that.
Post by wrathofkuus on May 17, 2012 15:41:17 GMT -5
I'm really trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. I'm thinking of when I had a talk with Mr. Kuus about putting out more, and he responded by not actually putting out at all but drastically increasing the frequency of random boob and ass gropings. In his head, it's all intimacy and I wanted more intimacy. In my head, I'm yelling DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!
BUT, Lenina, I have to say, in my gut, I have a bad feeling about this. Why don't you tell us some more about your relationship? Like, how old are the two of you? How would you describe his level of experience vs yours, besides just saying that he has a lot more?
Much more experience? Who cares? FI and I work with what we like and we communicate that to each other - that's what I would think should happen in a healthy relationship. You can't just read the other person's mind ot know what they like/prefer or don't prefer. Has your relationship been like this since the beginning?
Is he like this in other situations as well besides just the bedroom?
Our relationship definitely has not been like this since the beginning. Things in the bedroom (when they happen) have been great, which is part of why I had no idea he was so very unhappy. And the frequency only really slowed down over the last 3 or so months, which I think is why I didn't realize it was part of a larger problem - I thought it was just part of the natural ebb-and-flow of a longer-term relationship, you know?
The weird thing is, he's not like this in other situations - as far as the whole emotional intimacy thing goes, he's really opened up to me since sharing these problems, and we've had some really good conversations. It really is just this one area where I try to ask him what he feels/what he wants and he just throws up a brick wall. It's part of the reason I'm reluctant to end the relationship - if we could fix this one spot where he just won't talk to me, things would be so much better.
I'm really trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. I'm thinking of when I had a talk with Mr. Kuus about putting out more, and he responded by not actually putting out at all but drastically increasing the frequency of random boob and ass gropings. In his head, it's all intimacy and I wanted more intimacy. In my head, I'm yelling DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!
BUT, Lenina, I have to say, in my gut, I have a bad feeling about this. Why don't you tell us some more about your relationship? Like, how old are the two of you? How would you describe his level of experience vs yours, besides just saying that he has a lot more?
We're 27 and 32, so not exactly young. I've had two relationships prior to this, he's had six-ish, plus a few years of doing the random hook-up thing, which I never did. We've never played the "what's your number?" game, but I'd estimate his is easily triple or quadruple mine on the "number of partners" front.
If you had asked me two weeks ago (before all this happened) I would've told you that he's my absolute best friend in the world, that I felt like he was an amazing and supportive partner who really loved me unconditionally, and that I could talk to him about anything. I would've said that I thought we talked through problems together well, and that I felt like he really respects and cares about me. Now? I don't even know what to say about him. It's like I'm suddenly living with a stranger.
Hey all I have been lurking around TIP for awhile now, and you ladies routinely give smart advice. This is a problem I can't share with anyone IRL, so I'm hoping you all can help. (CN at bottom.)
I have been engaged for nine months, wedding is in 3 months. Last week, FI came home and told me he felt like there wasn't enough intimacy in our relationship, emotional or physical, and he was thinking of calling off the wedding. I am still pretty shocked - he had been acting withdrawn for awhile, but had told me when I asked that it was because of work related stress. Apparently, that was not the truth. The emotional intimacy part, I understand, and we are taking steps to.address it, but we're kind of at a standstill when it comes to the physical stuff.
Our sex life has been waning for awhile. I have tried to initiate things a few times, but once he said I was "doing it wrong" and walked away, and once he laughed at my efforts and asked if I "forgot how to do this." He claims not to remember either of these incidents, but apologized when I brought them up. My problem now is that he has said we will not have sex again unless I initiate it, and I just don't know how. Plus, I feel like, since my last two efforts were such failures, the burden is on him to tell me or show me what he wants, but he says doing that would "ruin it" and if he has to tell me what to do it just won't be sexy. I have no idea how to get the ball rolling, and I guess I am looking for suggestions on where to go from here.
CN: Holy long! Short story - wedding is in 3 months, FI is going to call it off if I don't start initiating sex, I have no idea how and my last few attempts to do so were disastrous, and FI won't tell me what to do instead of what I was doing because then it "wouldn't be sexy." What so I do?
I for one would NOT want to marry a guy who said what he has said -- and who makes you feel like a piece of shit about sex.
Do what's right by you:
YOU call it off.
This guy isn't for you.
And believe a guy who says he does not want to get married. He laughed at your efforts??? He should be glad you didn't tear him limb from limb!
Get rid of this piece of garbage stat. He isn't for you -- find a guy who loves you and thinks you are hotter than a fuse in the bedroom.
To say that your FI is an insensitive ass is an understatement. WTF is wrong with him that he laughed at you when you tried to initiate sex? And the not telling you what kind of things he WOULD like you to do? That's emotionally manipulative and he's doing it to keep the upper hand in the relationship by keeping you off balance and unsure of yourself. A caring man would either tell you or show you what kind of things he likes. He could also be cheating on you, which would explain the snottiness and the emotional distance the past few weeks.
DEFINITELY postpone, if not outright cancel this wedding. How old are you? How old is he? How many partners have you had?
If you want any chance of salvaging this relationship, you both need to be in counseling STAT. But do you really want to be married to someone who treats you this way?
Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 15:50:40 GMT -5
One more thing - I know it's probably hard to believe, but the two incidents I described in my OP were truly isolated incidents as far as how he treats me goes, which is why they didn't really bother me before he suddenly turned our sex-life into a battleground. I recognize that how it's written, and without the 16,000 mitigating examples of times he's really gone above and beyond and been a good partner, he sounds like a douchecanoe, but he's not generally an asshat (or at least, he wasn't before).