The topic of future children

[Deleted]

I'm 30 and I don't have children, but I would love to. This topic came up last night on my first date (I know him already through work in case u missed my post yesterday).
HE brought it up. (he's 34) He asked me if he could ask me a question---I said sure, anything.
HIM: "when you got married, did u go into it with the intention of having kids/starting a family?". ME: "yes, I believe most people do go into marriage with that expectation, it's sort of the 'norm', but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.". HIM: "we'll, I don't know about kids, I'm not sure if I want them, I want to travel, enjoy things etc.". ME: "well, i understand, but once you settle down with the right person, you may change your mind. I'm not looking to have kids tomorrow, but by age 35 I hope to be working on it".
He just kind of nodded and we changed topics.

I asked 2 of my girlfriends and they say its too soon to make a judgement. I just dont want end up dating, and look back at this in regret. So what do you think? Is this a deal breaker? I was surprised he asked me the first time we were hanging out, even though we kind of know each other already.

[formerlyak]

I guess it depends on how strongly you want kids. I know for me, knowing someone didn't know if he wanted kids at all ever would have been a deal breaker for me. He was pretty honest about the fact that kids are probably not in the cards for him, and I'd listen to that to avoid heartbreak.

[freshstart31]

For me personally, this is a HUGE dealbreaker. I want a family and I want to be with someone who has the same/similar wants and dreams.
When my ex and I got married, he said he wanted kids, we went through three years of IF treatments only for him to tell me that he "changed" his mind and that he never really wanted kids to begin with.
Prior to BF, when I would date someone, I always told them about my story upfront (my inability to have children naturally) because I don't want to waste my time or their time if we're not on the same page.
I don't think this is something that you can compromise on. I wouldn't go into a relationship with the assumption that they might change their mind. What if they don't? Then you've invested so much time (years possibly) in a relationship only for it to either end or one of you to compromise which in turn would make one partner resent the other. You compromise on paint colors, not whether or not one of you wants kids or not.

[starburst604]

Hmmm. He may change his mind in the future, but the only time men have asked me that question point blank is because they wanted kids and if I didn't that would be a deal breaker. His answer makes me think the reverse is true. Especially at 34.

[achase123]

Ehhh, my situation is different because I have a child already but it sounds like he was trying to feel you out on the kids thing. I think you're on two different pages. If you're even interested in going out with him again you could just say something like "you know, it may seem a bit early to discuss this, but I am certain that I DO want children someday. Would you say that you are undecided about it, or pretty positive that you never want children?"

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2012 13:19:05 GMT -5 dynamoo said:

I tend to ask this up front myself since I'm older and don't want to waste my time dating someone who doesn't have the same goals as myself. I think it was very mature of him to bring it up and it sounds as though he knows it's a potential deal breaker for continuing to date.

When you go out, perhaps you can ask him if he thinks he could travel enough in the next 4/5 years to be ready for kids. It's an understandable desire to live life fully beforehand. (Although, you can certainly still travel with kids as many of my friends do) I think it comes down to whether he truly wants children in the end or not. If he truly doesn't see himself as a Dad and wants to travel over the next 20+ years with no kids then I'd say for a woman like you who wants children, it's a deal breaker. I'd give it one more conversation. I appreciate (on your behalf) that he is being honest with you.

I did have fun with him, he's very sweet and respectful. I agree it was mature of him to bring it up, it surprised me to be honest! The thing is, when/if we do hang out again, I don't know how to approach it without sounding like I was obsessing over it. Should I wait a bit?

[achase123]

Sept 6, 2012 13:27:03 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

Sept 6, 2012 13:19:05 GMT -5 dynamoo said:

I tend to ask this up front myself since I'm older and don't want to waste my time dating someone who doesn't have the same goals as myself. I think it was very mature of him to bring it up and it sounds as though he knows it's a potential deal breaker for continuing to date.

When you go out, perhaps you can ask him if he thinks he could travel enough in the next 4/5 years to be ready for kids. It's an understandable desire to live life fully beforehand. (Although, you can certainly still travel with kids as many of my friends do) I think it comes down to whether he truly wants children in the end or not. If he truly doesn't see himself as a Dad and wants to travel over the next 20+ years with no kids then I'd say for a woman like you who wants children, it's a deal breaker. I'd give it one more conversation. I appreciate (on your behalf) that he is being honest with you.

I did have fun with him, he's very sweet and respectful. I agree it was mature of him to bring it up, it surprised me to be honest! The thing is, when/if we do hang out again, I don't know how to approach it without sounding like I was obsessing over it. Should I wait a bit?

I just don't see the point in investing more time if you're on two different pages. Once I knew V wasn't interested in having kids or getting married I told him that we just weren't going to make it for the long term so why continue?

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2012 13:30:54 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Sept 6, 2012 13:27:03 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I did have fun with him, he's very sweet and respectful. I agree it was mature of him to bring it up, it surprised me to be honest! The thing is, when/if we do hang out again, I don't know how to approach it without sounding like I was obsessing over it. Should I wait a bit?

I just don't see the point in investing more time if you're on two different pages. Once I knew V wasn't interested in having kids or getting married I told him that we just weren't going to make it for the long term so why continue?

Ugh...I guess you're right.

[chrissie3416]

Yeah Im with Achase on this one....this for me is also a dealbreaker. I do want to get married and have another child someday so I wouldnt want to invest time, energy, or feelings into someone who didnt have the same long term goals I did.

[Deleted]

I'm just kinda disappointed. WTF?

[dakotadangerdog]

This topic is so hard for me! I don't know if I want kids. Like, no idea. Most of the time I don't really find it very appealing, and I'm kinda "meh" about it. But then every once in a while I think I want one. I'm very wishy washy. I kinda think that in the end I will. But since I don't really know that makes it hard for dating. I don't want to tell a guy "Yes I will want a kid" and then end up not wanting one.

Also, I'm pretty set on only having one if any. Not a lot of guys just want one kid.

[blackkitty]

He said he wasn't sure if he wanted them. He didn't say he didn't want them.
I wouldn't see this as a dealbreaker and this is going to sound I don't know maybe negative or something. But realistically it is unlikely you will marry him anyway. I mean how many relationships actually result in marriage?

ETA: Personally for me, I can't go into dating or a relationship with the expectation or goal of marriage. I don't feel like it works like that. I know I am not the norm in this thinking though.

[explorer2001]

Date him. Have a good positive experience. There are no guarantees. If as you date you see that he really is open to it in time or isn't then you know. In the mean time even if you don't marry him, you can have a positive relationship where you learn and grow.

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2012 14:38:59 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Date him. Have a good positive experience. There are no guarantees. If as you date you see that he really is open to it in time or isn't then you know. In the mean time even if you don't marry him, you can have a positive relationship where you learn and grow.

Thanks for this, I will leave it casual and see if he wants to def hang again.

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2012 15:16:58 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 6, 2012 15:14:30 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

Thanks for this, I will leave it casual and see if he wants to def hang again.

You're having tunnel vision. I do it too. You have a great date and think of the awesome life you can have before you even realize whether or not you like the dude. Relax and have fun!

LOL...oh geez dating world, here I come! I'm now freaking out over every.little.thing. Because with xh I was a dumbass and ignored stuff.

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2012 15:21:19 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 6, 2012 15:20:23 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

LOL...oh geez dating world, here I come! I'm now freaking out over every.little.thing. Because with xh I was a dumbass and ignored stuff.

Been there, still doing that. You'll find a happy medium. Swift kicks i the ass from the ladies here will help!

and that's why I'm here! Xo

[naeljun]

Sept 6, 2012 14:38:59 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Date him. Have a good positive experience. There are no guarantees. If as you date you see that he really is open to it in time or isn't then you know. In the mean time even if you don't marry him, you can have a positive relationship where you learn and grow.

I like this!

[wrathofkuus]

Your "you may change your mind" response would have been a dealbreaker for me, if I were him. Why wouldn't you, perhaps, be the one to change your mind, if this sort of thing is so up in the air?

[ECB]

Sept 6, 2012 17:40:12 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Your "you may change your mind" response would have been a dealbreaker for me, if I were him. Why wouldn't you, perhaps, be the one to change your mind, if this sort of thing is so up in the air?

This ran through my mind too!

On the "just date and have fun" aspect- this was a FIRST date. I assume you aren't exclusive w/ him, right? So date him, see how it goes. But date other guys if the opportunity comes up.

You might find other reasons why you don't like him, or if it gets more serious, then the topic needs to be revisited.

[lookingup]

Sept 6, 2012 17:40:12 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Your "you may change your mind" response would have been a dealbreaker for me, if I were him. Why wouldn't you, perhaps, be the one to change your mind, if this sort of thing is so up in the air?

That totally would have rubbed me the wrong way too.

Then again, I wanted to kick the nurse in the face when I had my IUD inserted and she insisted that I would change my mind and have it removed sooner than 10 years from then.

Anyway, if dude is 34 and he's not sure whether he wants kids, I'd pretty much assume that was a "no" in the kids department for him.