Dating, did I screw up?

[daisyn]

Personally I wouldn't get involved with a guy that lives with his wife

[jellymankelly]

Early dating is such a mindfuck. Based solely on what you wrote, I'd guess that he's not actually separated and is testing the waters. The "we still live together for financial reasons" thing does happen, but it's also a really easy excuse for a married guy to use when he wants to have an affair.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 3, 2016 21:30:23 GMT -5 turdferguson said:

I don't think you screwed up in any way. But like PP said, the fact that he's still living with his STBXW and he said he wants to pump the brakes, I'd back off and just see how things go. Depending on the situation, some people are ready to date while they're divorcing/ soon thereafter. But many people need time to process the relationship ending and be single for a while. Not knowing each of your situations it's really hard to say go for it, but my personal feelings would be to let it go for now. He's expressed that he's not ready right now, why force it?

This is my gut feeling as much as I hate it. So I just shouldn't contact him at all and if he comes around fine? We agreed to cool it yesterday bc it started off so fast (I know more about him as a person and sexually than I probably do stbxh), but he did say he wanted to still be in touch bc we do have this undeniable chemistry.



And I thought about an affair possibility too, but I did find him and STBXW on Facebook and the real estate listing is there and she mentions divorce on FB.

So do I ever text/call him or no, just forget about it?

[Deleted]

I'd just play it by ear. Don't over think it.
Keep dating around, but still keep the lines of communication open if you're interested. I'd probably send a casual text in a day or 2. If he's not very responsive to texting or calling, then there's your answer. I'd still go out on other dates with other people.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 3, 2016 22:10:31 GMT -5 turdferguson said:

As I stated in my first post, you did nothing wrong. At all. Stop that thinking immediately! Maybe he was excited by a new person and got caught up in it then realized he needed to take a step back. Maybe he's a dickshit and talked a good talk just to try to hook up. Maybe he's not ready to date. Maybe his STBXW is his W and he made up a story. It could be a million things, but it's not you.

Thank you. I mean it. I needed to hear all this. I don't have any girlfriends I can talk to about this bc they're all connected to STBXH.

I just want to be happy and this seemed too good to be true and it probably is.

I think I'm going to step back from the whole dating thing for now. I want to be with someone that wants me, but I just don't think I can handle any more drama right now, STBXH is giving me enough of that.

[statlerwaldorf]

Based off your response, I don't think you are ready to date. Post divorce relationships can be a mindfuck especially when there's rejection.

Who knows about this guy. It might be an excuse. You probably will never know and that's part of dating. I think that's where my concern is. You seem a little overinvested in a guy you've known for a few days. I'm worried how you will handle getting ghosted after a few months or something like that.

I would walk away. He has way too much going on right now and I wouldn't want to get involved in that. It might be the truth. It probably isn't a good idea for this guy to enter a relationship right now. It can add extra drama and feelings that could make his divorce less amicable.

[carrotsmakemefat]

Neither of you are really ready to date. And that is OK! No clue what his deal is, but focus on YOUR deal. Date or don't, but do you

[doglove]

Yikes, I would run away from this person STAT. Sounds like there are no boundaries here.

[doglove]

Also, FWIW, I find that if you get so invested before you even meet someone - things can go downhill pretty quickly. You may feel more comfortable having some conversation before you meet, but 5-6 hours on the telephone before even meeting him? That plus the constant texting leads me to think he is looking for a distraction rather than looking for a quality dating situation. You are worth more than being someone's distraction.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 4, 2016 7:26:55 GMT -5 doglove said:

You are worth more than being someone's distraction.

Thank you for this.

This one sentence hit me like a ton of bricks, you're right.

[doglove]

Aug 4, 2016 7:36:29 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 4, 2016 7:26:55 GMT -5 doglove said:

You are worth more than being someone's distraction.

Thank you for this.

This one sentence hit me like a ton of bricks, you're right.

Hugs.

[doriswe]

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

[thedutchgirl]

You didn't do anything wrong as it relates to him. This shit just happens. What you need to address is your reaction to it. Of course you shouldn't be able to just shake it off, but on the other hand the fact that a one-week relationship has you this wrapped up indicates you aren't ready to date. It is all too real to you, and it sort of sounds like you are looking for another relationship right away. Based on your follow-up, you need to spend some real time alone and learning who you are as a grown, single woman.

Therapy.

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2016 22:07:42 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 3, 2016 22:02:18 GMT -5 turdferguson said:

Also, the fact that he's active on match right now makes me think he's using the "waiting for the house to sell" as an excuse. That right there would be enough for me to stop spending energy on him.

I think you're right, I just hate it and it makes me feel bad and wonder what I did wrong to make him turn so fast. Why didn't he like me? I'd love to ask him why he is back on match but I know that's crazy needy/desperate/not really my business. I'd love to say "so you're not ready for me but you're ready for someone else on match?". He deactivated his profile after we met for the first time in person on Sunday, wtf!


Plus, stupid stbxh is BLOWING up my phone every day with 10-15 texts begging me to take him back which is never going to happen. Not helping my mood. I'd love to block him but we have to communicate bc of DS

I don't mean this harshly, but maybe take a step back from dating? You can't blame yourself if a guy isn't in to you after a couple dates, even if it seemed more promising at first. Of course you can be disappointed, but you shouldn't have the mind set that you did something wrong or there's something wrong with you. Self-confidence is a beautiful thing!

[jellymankelly]

Aug 4, 2016 7:56:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

::raises hand::

For the record, I don't think OP did anything wrong. All of this is pretty textbook online dating crap. The hot and heavy meet-ups, the heavy conversations, etc. I had a few very similar experiences before I realized what was happening. There are so many people out there like this, and it makes it hard to learn to date again and learn to trust again.

[doglove]

Aug 4, 2016 7:56:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

I think she said somewhere in this post that she looked at the STBXW's fb and there was mention about a divorce and their house was listed on the market for sale. Who knows though. 

[doglove]

Aug 4, 2016 8:11:49 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Aug 4, 2016 7:56:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

::raises hand::

For the record, I don't think OP did anything wrong. All of this is pretty textbook online dating crap. The hot and heavy meet-ups, the heavy conversations, etc. I had a few very similar experiences before I realized what was happening. There are so many people out there like this, and it makes it hard to learn to date again and learn to trust again.

I've found this a lot too. A lot of men want to get all up in your personal business right away and come on so strong and want to be talking/texting you all the time until they lose interest and move on to the next person. Definitely sucks. 

[nextbigthing]

Aug 4, 2016 8:12:47 GMT -5 doglove said:

Aug 4, 2016 7:56:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

I think she said somewhere in this post that she looked at the STBXW's fb and there was mention about a divorce and their house was listed on the market for sale. Who knows though. 

This is true, I found him, his STBXW, his mom, the works. So if it's a lie it's a Biiiiiig lie

[bullygirl979]

Aug 4, 2016 6:30:18 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 4, 2016 6:02:10 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

Neither of you are really ready to date. And that is OK! No clue what his deal is, but focus on YOUR deal. Date or don't, but do you

I think that's my problem, I don't even know what "me" is anymore. I'm alone in all aspects (pretty sure I'm losing most of my friends in the divorce)

I'm seeing my therapist today, she's in for a doozy

I think you need to fix this before you get in to a relationship. It sounds as though you aren't 100% in a healthy place, so how can you get in to a healthy relationship?

And, to answer your question of how to avoid it in the future...take things SLOW. A relationship should be a value add to your already awesome life. It should NOT be a distraction, a way to pass time or something to make you feel good about yourself.

[doglove]

Aug 4, 2016 8:15:52 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 4, 2016 8:06:34 GMT -5 thedutchgirl said:

You didn't do anything wrong as it relates to him. This shit just happens. What you need to address is your reaction to it. Of course you shouldn't be able to just shake it off, but on the other hand the fact that a one-week relationship has you this wrapped up indicates you aren't ready to date. It is all too real to you, and it sort of sounds like you are looking for another relationship right away. Based on your follow-up, you need to spend some real time alone and learning who you are as a grown, single woman.

Therapy.

Seeing my therapist today

And I think this one got me so wrapped up because it was my first step into online dating. I got caught up in the whirlwind, he said all the right things and it made me feel good.

So also - I just want to say that this is where you have to be careful. Especially with online/app dating. Anyone can post pictures about themselves and say whatever it is that makes them look great. They can talk to you on text/phone for hours to figure out what you're looking for and pretend to be just that. This is why I advocate for very little dialogue before scheduling to meet up in a public place. The way you get to know someone is through seeing their actions over time and trusting who they say they are when it's in line with their actions. I find there are a lot of lazy people who use the online dating system who say everything you want to hear to rope you in, but they really mean none of it or very little of it. 

You have to be VERY aware of this if you want to continue dating with apps. There's just a lot of BS out there. Build your boundaries and slowly reveal yourself a little at a time as you get to know someone and if they aren't okay with this, it's okay to move on to find someone who will respect you.  I find as I mentioned above that a lot of the people on these apps are looking for someone RIGHT NOW and a possible distraction. That's not true for everyone, but you have to be mindful that is out there.

[doglove]

nextbigthing why don't you try some volunteer opportunities or maybe meet up groups in your area to surround yourself with new people? This gets you to do things you are interested in and enrich your own life as well as surround yourself with people who are like-minded and also interested in similar activities. It's also a great way to flex your boundaries and get in a healthy place to build healthy relationships with friends and then when you feel like you have the hang of that, you can start heading towards working through those in dating too.

[jellymankelly]

As far as the future goes, based on my own experiences, no successful relationship I've ever had has started out with that "100mph with my hair on fire" kind of speed and intensity. The super fast, almost manic beginnings usually lead to quick burnout. Sure, it's fun and exciting at first, and I think everyone needs to have fun experiences like that, but when you reach the point that you're ready for a relationship, a slow burn, where you take time to get to know each other (and marriage and kids aren't mentioned for a long time), is the way to go. You can't maintain the excitement and intensity of those 100mph relationships over time, once real life hits.

[jellymankelly]

Aug 4, 2016 8:35:57 GMT -5 doglove said:

So also - I just want to say that this is where you have to be careful. Especially with online/app dating. Anyone can post pictures about themselves and say whatever it is that makes them look great. They can talk to you on text/phone for hours to figure out what you're looking for and pretend to be just that. This is why I advocate for very little dialogue before scheduling to meet up in a public place. The way you get to know someone is through seeing their actions over time and trusting who they say they are when it's in line with their actions. I find there are a lot of lazy people who use the online dating system who say everything you want to hear to rope you in, but they really mean none of it or very little of it. 

You have to be VERY aware of this if you want to continue dating with apps.

This is so true, and not just with online dating. I dated a guy for a few months who was my high school crush. People here will probably remember him because he totally destroyed me. I had known him for 20 years, so I totally trusted him, he pulled the "I'm so glad we found each other again, because we are soulmates" thing on me really early on, and we seemed SO much alike. He even liked all the same music I liked (which is a weird mish-mash of stuff). I realized later (like WAY later - an embarrassing length of time later) that he had just gone through my FB "likes" and used that for talking points. He was trying to make himself into what he thought I wanted. I probably didn't know the real "him" at all. People can be so manipulative, and it's so hard to learn to weed those people out.

I also second the meet-up thing and trying to build platonic relationships. I also had a baby when I became single again (he was 1, and my older child was 5) and I had been in mom-mode for so long that had no idea who I was as a woman. Spending time with girlfriends during my very limited downtime really helped me to get back to who I was other than a mom. I wouldn't have made it through without those relationships, and I can honestly say that I am 36 and I finally have the kind of friendships I've searched for since I was a teenager. I just had to figure out who I was as a person first and stop basing my identity on what someone else wanted me to be. When I did, I found people who loved and respected me for who I really am.

[brooke77]

I don't think you did anything wrong here, but use it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself. I'm a bit inclined to believe him because I know I was scared as hell to let my ex know anything about my dating before the divorce was finalized because I was terrified he would become (more) difficult to negotiate with. BUT, who knows. It's not the point. He's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

I'm more worried about some of your comments regarding yourself "I'm a late bloomer, I'm not good at dating, etc". Maybe you should take some time off from dating and learn to love yourself first. Sounds cheesy, but it'll be hard dating if you have these negative thoughts. You are worth being with the partner YOU want, but you will attract the wrong people if you think negative things about yourself.

[Deleted]

I know we're past it, but I would look that shit up. Fuck off, telling me you're divorced or separated or whatever. No. I'm checking you out.

And I agree with everyone who says to step away from this crazy situation until you're both more removed from your marriages.

[doglove]

jellymankelly, the amount of men who do that is very scary and alarming. Especially if you don't know and aren't suspecting it, it will hit you like a ton of bricks when you do realize what happened to you.

[statlerwaldorf]

Aug 4, 2016 7:56:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is still actively married?

This was my first thought until she said his ex mentioned the divorce on her fb.

That was my xh's cheating MO. He would play with women basically to see if he could get them willing to sleep with him. It was all for his ego and in his mind it wasn't actually cheating since he didn't actually sleep with them. He would manipulate women and turn into whatever they were looking for. There are a lot of predatory people on OLD.

[arielroux]

Well, I'll say that when ExH and I split up, I started dating while we were still living together. I didn't do random meet ups in the middle of the day though (to me, that could be indicative of him hiding things from his STBXW and feeling like he still "needs" to be home at night or something, so he needs to get things "out of the way" during the day when she is less likely to ask where he is or what he's doing). I went on actual dates...at night...and didn't care what (if anything) my STBX knew or didn't know. We were getting divorced, our house was for sale, and we had agreed to stay there until it sold to save money.

I'd just proceed very cautiously with this, if you decide to proceed at all. It seems like you both may not be sure what you want, and that's not going to end well for either of you. Good luck, and just be careful. With your feelings, with everything.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 4, 2016 11:59:51 GMT -5 mp said:

This is a hot mess all the way around

But I will say, when I meet someone in person I generally unmatch or block them. I don't need to see someone online and changing photos, etc, and drive myself crazy. Online dating is very unnatural in that regard.

It's totally a hot mess, and I'm ridiculous! At least I admit it

So you're saying once you meet in person you block them so you don't risk obsessing? Great idea

[jellymankelly]

Aug 4, 2016 12:06:47 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 4, 2016 11:59:51 GMT -5 mp said:

This is a hot mess all the way around

But I will say, when I meet someone in person I generally unmatch or block them. I don't need to see someone online and changing photos, etc, and drive myself crazy. Online dating is very unnatural in that regard.

It's totally a hot mess, and I'm ridiculous! At least I admit it

You're being unfair to yourself. It's a learning experience. Nobody starts out the divorce process or the dating process knowing all the perfect things to do. We've all been a hot mess at one point or another.