How would you have handled this?

[meltoine]

Background: DS1 (5.5) has been a general pain in the ass for weeks. Deliberately disobeying house rules for attention and laughing while he's disciplined for it, intentionally hurting his brothers and/or snatching their toys, etc. And I have been solo parenting for the last 7 weeks as H has been out of town. 

So tonight he spilled his water at dinner. I told him to go get a towel and wipe it up. He intentionally dropped the roll of paper towels on the ground and unrolled the whole thing. I reminded him of the conversation we had about that (trees make paper towels and also the air we breathe, so if we use too many paper towels we won't have any trees left to make air to breathe). He laughed the whole time. Then walked around the kitchen with the paper towel on his head instead of cleaning up the mess. Finally gets up in his chair to clean the mess, still laughing maniacally. I start telling him that his laughing right now is disrespectful because he's in trouble and I don't appreciate it, please to take this more seriously, etc. Then he throws his empty cup clear across the room. 

WWMMD?

[speckledfrog]

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

[turtlegirl]

Aug 17, 2016 17:51:52 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

Yep. Immediate time out for quite a long time.

[cjeanette]

Kids are assholes. To his room.

[minzy]

Oh this is making me annoyed on your behalf just reading it. If it were my kid, I would make her do the water cleanup by placing my hands over hers (she would hate this), and then I'd send her to her room for awhile and we'd talk about it more after. I'm sorry, it sounds super frustrating.

[ssmjlm]

I agree, he would have been in his room until morning.

And I would have made sure to remove any toys/games/gadgets from his room as well.

[usuallylurking]

To his room. See ya in the morning, kid. He'd whine and cry and say "I'll do it! I'll do it!" but it would be too late.

My kids only have books in their rooms, so that wouldn't be a worry to me. But if there were any games or screen devices, they'd be out too.

[cari]

Aug 17, 2016 17:51:52 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

Yup, exactly this.

[TamiTaylor]

beer

[ellipses84]

Timeout and early bedtime. Timeout really works for my kid, though and he often cries and gets upset. Once he calms down we talk. If it's a mess you have to clean up immediately, I would, but have him do some other chores to make up for it. I think it's just the age. My 5 year old has been guilty of similar antics. We've really been trying to work on listening the first time he's told and immediate consequences if he doesn't listen after the first time.

[dcn]

Tell him we don't throw (which he knows) and that until he can follow the rules and be respectful he can stay in his room.

And then drink and cry.

[karinothing]

Aug 17, 2016 17:51:52 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

You get me

[ECB]

I think it's time to stop the explanations.  I'm sorry- but the whole bit about explaining to him why wasteing paper towels is bad???  Where was the actual discipline? I'm all for positive discipline but sometimes you just need to cut to the chase - he's sent to his room, or a time out, or a loss of a privilege. 

I get what you're trying to do but I think some of this is simply going to be above his head AND he's not going to REALLY get that he's done something wrong. "Oh, mom is talking to me again - blah blah blah.  Where's my cup so I can throw it?"

[ECB]

Aug 17, 2016 17:51:52 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

Sometimes I think kids need to actually know they've upset us!  I don't think there's wrong with showing some true emotion (anger, frustration) occasionally.  

[gibbinator]

Threaten to tell dh? He's the discipline man

[Saint Monica]

Military school.

Put him in a cardbord box and take him to fed ex.

[anaps28]

I remind him if I have to ask again he loses his iPad or TV time.
Also my DS (5) refuses to go to his room so now I make him run laps around the house or run up and down the stairs. He thinks it's no big deal and has control when really he's just getting more energy out and he stops doing whatever annoying thing he was up too before.

[meltoine]

Ok. I did what most suggested. I sent him to his room immediately and told him to stay there until morning. He came out a while later and apologized and asked to finish his dinner.

speckledfrog 's response is what I really wanted to do.

ECB he was told to roll the paper towels back up, which he did before throwing the cup. And generally he does better with the explanations. Like "Mom, I don't want to eat this" "Well it has protein to build your muscles and vitamin B, which is good for your brain cells." "Oh ok, I'll eat it." It generally works for him, but your right in that it may have gone over his head this time.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 17, 2016 17:51:52 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Scream like a maniac and throw him into his room until tomorrow. That's not a good approach, but in that situation it's honestly what I would have done.

I've been solo parenting for 3 years. I fully admit to doing this on occasion ::

[meltoine]

Aug 17, 2016 19:27:33 GMT -5 @callmefia said:

meltoine you are awesome and such a strong person. Solo parenting for that long has got to be tough and I'm sure it plays into your kid's behavior too.

Thank you

[quesyrah]

Aug 17, 2016 18:30:49 GMT -5 ECB said:

I think it's time to stop the explanations.  I'm sorry- but the whole bit about explaining to him why wasteing paper towels is bad???  Where was the actual discipline? I'm all for positive discipline but sometimes you just need to cut to the chase - he's sent to his room, or a time out, or a loss of a privilege. 

I get what you're trying to do but I think some of this is simply going to be above his head AND he's not going to REALLY get that he's done something wrong. "Oh, mom is talking to me again - blah blah blah.  Where's my cup so I can throw it?"

Yes, yes, yes.

One of the things DS's therapist told us is that most parents over talk. DH is totally guilty of this.

So now we have a whole system that he taught us (I can explain if you want) but basically we skip all explanations of why he should/shouldn't do something.

[meltoine]

Aug 17, 2016 19:52:02 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Aug 17, 2016 18:30:49 GMT -5 ECB said:

I think it's time to stop the explanations.  I'm sorry- but the whole bit about explaining to him why wasteing paper towels is bad???  Where was the actual discipline? I'm all for positive discipline but sometimes you just need to cut to the chase - he's sent to his room, or a time out, or a loss of a privilege. 

I get what you're trying to do but I think some of this is simply going to be above his head AND he's not going to REALLY get that he's done something wrong. "Oh, mom is talking to me again - blah blah blah.  Where's my cup so I can throw it?"

Yes, yes, yes.

One of the things DS's therapist told us is that most parents over talk. DH is totally guilty of this.

So now we have a whole system that he taught us (I can explain if you want) but basically we skip all explanations of why he should/shouldn't do something.

I would love an explanation. 

[dancingirl21]

Yelled my head off then sent him to timeout. Give myself a timeout as well then after his, calmly try to explain why I was upset and what he did wrong. If he's still laughing and not getting it, probably send him to his room and take some privilege away.

[suzubell]

Aug 17, 2016 20:26:16 GMT -5 meltoine said:

Aug 17, 2016 19:52:02 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Yes, yes, yes.

One of the things DS's therapist told us is that most parents over talk. DH is totally guilty of this.

So now we have a whole system that he taught us (I can explain if you want) but basically we skip all explanations of why he should/shouldn't do something.

I would love an explanation. 

Me too!

[stephm0188]

Room, and I'd ignore any tantrum that happens as a result. Attention for negative behavior is still attention, and as long as he's getting it then there is no motivation to stop.

[dizzycooks]

I'm going to remember this thread tomorrow. My kid does this same crap and it's old. I am so sick of it.

[sugarbear]

No lie, I'd have lost my shit.
And I would have sent him to his room immediately. I, too, think my H over explains everything. Your kid knows that what he was doing was wrong. In that moment, he doesn't care WHY.

[quesyrah]

Aug 17, 2016 20:50:29 GMT -5 suzubell said:

Aug 17, 2016 20:26:16 GMT -5 meltoine said:

I would love an explanation. 

Me too!

So you do have to explain it to the kid initially, and it's either the 1,2,3 magic method or his version of it. But it works fantastic for us (DS is 6).

When they have an undesired behavior ask them to stop. If they don't, tell them, "that's 1." Next time, it's a 2, next time it's a 3. Once they hit three, give them a consequence (time out, lose screen time for a day, favorite toy goes away, etc whatever is appropriate). If there is a long time between any of the numbers you can start over. But you don't do a ton of talking.

"Please don't hit your sister." He does it again. "That's a 1." End of discussion. Continue about your day. It didn't take very long at all for it to really be effective.

Also when you need them to do something give the warnings in 5 minute increments and then say, "you have a directive to ______."

"DS, 15 minutes until it's time to turn the tv off."
"DS 10 minutes until tv goes off, 2nd warning."
"DS, 5 more minutes and you need to turn the tv off. Third and final warning."
"DS, you have a directive to turn the tv off."

It really works wonders for us and has cut down on a lot of arguments, stress and just overall tension in the house. He knows the method and knows there will be consequences for his actions. When he doesn't behave, he knows exactly what discipline is coming.

[game blouses]

I don't know what your parenting situation is, but it sounds like he's testing some new boundaries. How far can he go before he gets punished/yelled at/etc? It happens to us when one of us is out of town, or after a long vacation and he's settling back into routines.

When things are not crazy and high stakes, I'd talk to him about how he's feeling. Does he miss your H? Does he feel angry during those times, or tired, or both? What can he do or say next time to let you know he's feeling that way? Deconstructing the moment after it has occurred is really helpful for us.

In the moment, I'd like to say that I'd react on the first smart-aleck move and withdraw any expected privileges, but I'd probably just yell unfortunately.

[ECB]

Aug 17, 2016 19:16:43 GMT -5 meltoine said:

Like "Mom, I don't want to eat this" "Well it has protein to build your muscles and vitamin B, which is good for your brain cells." "Oh ok, I'll eat it." It generally works for him, but your right in that it may have gone over his head this time.

But I think explaining why he should do something is different than explaining why he shouldn't do something - and especially in the heat of the moment.  If that makes sense. 

Trust me, it is important to explain.  That's how kids learn.  I've had similar talks about food as you have.  But I think that's so different from when they are out and out MISBEHAVING and when they KNOW they are misbehaving.  That's not a time for explanations.  that's a time for "This is wrong. It stops now".

LATER have that talk!  When I've had issues w/ DS and in the moment just got mad and sent him to his room, once we've both calmed down and usually once he says "I'm sorry", I'll ask him what it is he's sorry for and then talk about why I was upset, why what he was doing was wrong, etc.  

You're intentions are good!  I just think the "when/how" needs to be shifted.