s/o What SHOULD have been the last straw?

[Bernadine]

I'm sure I'm not the only one that stuck around after some awful shit.

Xh and I had gotten into a HUGE fight. We were in the car, it was dark, we were on back roads. He started driving like a maniac. I was crying, and terrified, and I told him he was going to crash. He said he hoped he did, and he hoped that he killed both of us.

That was in June. I still didn't leave until November. I'm so embarrassed that I didn't leave right then.

[blackkitty]

Definitely when he spit in my face in front of our son.
That was in June. I decided to leave in September and left Oct 1

[bowies]

I'm sure I stayed longer than most of you. The last straw should have been when I had a m/c and he refused to take off of work. I went through it by myself without any support from him whatsoever. I tried to act like I wasn't upset by any of it, and lasted 2 whole weeks before I broke down. He wouldn't even turn off his video game to comfort me...just put his headphones on.

I packed a bag and checked into a hotel. He kept calling my cell, and when I finally answered, he told me in no uncertain terms that if I wasn't home within 30 minutes he'd make sure I'd never come back, ever. I was scared of failure (we'd only been married about 7 months at this point), so I complied.

In some ways we moved on from the incident, and in some ways it got worse from there. It took me 3.5 more years to reach the final straw.

[marigoldgirl]

I did not answer the original post about the last straw because I stayed for 25 years of them. But I will answer this one because when I read my journals I had written M was drunk and mean to me. I wrote this repeatedly during the first few months of dating. In retrospect he never was nice or enduring. Why did I think this man would change? Why did I think I he needed me to save him?

I am just thankful I am getting another chance.

[starburst604]

I don't have any stories with ex-FI like the other thread, he was just a big baby that threw tantrums - A LOT. Living with him was walking on eggshells because I never knew what kind of mood he'd be in. I think back to when we were dating, and at about 6 months in we went to my cousins engagement party, I was going to be her MOH. It was his first time meeting some of my extended family. It was just at the mother of the bride's house, no big deal and she had it catered. When the food was served, for some reason he wouldn't eat and he just sulked in a corner. I kept asking him what was wrong, why wouldn't he eat, because I knew he was starving. The party mostly consisted of me trying to pander to him while he sulked, in front of my friggin family. It turned into a big fight, and I had no idea what was even wrong with him. Later on all the younger cousins were planning on going out to a club and he was supposed to come. Of course he refused so I just dropped him off and went without him.

Didn't talk to him until the next day and finally he came out with it - he was mad that I didn't MAKE HIM A PLATE OF FOOD. He felt that because he just met the family that he should not go up to the buffet and get food. Now, my family is as warm and welcoming as any, and I had not had a problem serving myself food at any of his family events. Also, if he had just said "Hey would you mind grabbing me a plate when you go up?" I would have done so. But the fact that he sat there and openly sulked the whole time, embarassing himself and me in front of my family, should have told me right then that he was a pain in the ass and would continue to be nothing but. But no, I went on to move in with him and get engaged. Dopeslap to younger self....

[doriswe]

The minute I confirmed he had been cheating on me.

[prettyinpearls]

There were two. The first would’ve been how he put his wedding ring on our coffee table immediately after telling me he didn’t think he loved me anymore. (Hello…he wanted to appear single to the world from that minute!) And the second was two weekends later (and denied having an affair), he went to the bar with the (then suspected) OW and didn’t come home that night. He told me he crashed on her couch, but it was ok because her FI was home. Yeah…sure he was.

[prettyinpearls]

Sept 7, 2012 9:17:20 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

A few months into our marriage when we were living abroad and the drug use started. I should have left when he asked a cab driver how to get drugs and then started buying them and going for happy ending massages.

Oooh, I want to change my answer. About a month before our wedding when I was doing laundry, I found a reciept in XH's pocket to one of those sleezy peep-show/novelty store/massage places for a $40 "session". When confronted about it, he said it was for two porn DVD's that he has already gotten rid of because he didn't want me finding them.

Yep, I should've called it off then.

[heavenly]

I never really shared this with anyone before.

It was with a xbf... I came home to my apartment and he was drunk as heck. He had a pocket knife and threatened me with it and also threatened suicide. He would not let me leave the apartment, let alone let me get off the couch. I remember sitting on the couch thinking “this is it, the end for my life”. It took me another 6 months to actually leave for good. The more I tried to leave and show disinterest in him, the more he pursued. I felt it was even more dangerous to leave at that time. This is one of the reasons I rather be friends with a guy before dating which is a lot more complicated in today’s time because who has patience for that.

[sparkles17]

Probably when the FIRST woman contacted me to tell me that he was having an affair with him. Yeah. That happened more than once. I was so beaten down in that marriage from pretty much the get go that I let A LOT of stuff get swept under the rug at the expense of my happiness.

[roselis]

A month into dating, he cheated on me. He cried and said he was sorry and begged my forgiveness and swore it would never happen again. I should have left, but I stayed because I believed him. And I stayed for every lie he told (I told myself they weren't big lies.....), and every time he decieved me. I don't know why I didn't leave, why I got engaged, or why I married him, or even why I wanted to try and work things out after he had the affair.
The only truly good thing out of that marriage is DS. And that I have a house and my dog.

[Deleted]

When he threatened to kill my dogs. I left 9 months after that. I honestly can't believe I begged and begged for him to stay and work it out. I went to "marriage" counseling by myself for months. I know she technically can't but I wish my therapist would have helped me come to the conclusion to leave instead of working on an abusive relationship.

[jade28]

I don't really feel like I should have left any sooner. I am happy with the memories we have even if the marriage didn't work. I definitely wish it didn't have to end the way it did but it was inevitable. I was not a good person with him and he wasn't a good person with me. It was that simple but we did love each other.

But there were points before the marriage. I should have ended it while we were dating and he would keep going back and forth on relationship decisions and how he felt, he would just not show up to work anymore or quit, he would have panic/anxiety attacks that pretty much ruled our relationship yet he wouldn't get help. He never had money and couldn't finish school.

He was a mess and instead of letting him figure life out, I kept pushing him forward in a relationship. I thought I was helping and in some ways I did, because of me he was able to move out, get a job and get money and become more of an adult but I forced a lot on him that he just could not handle emotionally. Looking back, I don't know why I was in a rush to get married and settle down.

[starburst604]

Oh and just thought of this one: Shortly after we moved in together we got into a big argument over furnishing our apartment. In short, we had no furniture. I had paid the deposit on the place and had bought all the pots/pans/dishes/miscellaneous kitchen stuff/towels/bathroom stuff etc. with the agreement that he would buy us at least a couch and kitchen table. Well that wasn't happening. I don't remember the details well but he was a mean, disrespectful prick as usual and refused to eat the pizza I had brought home for him (do we see a pattern here with him using food as a passive aggressive tool?). I left the next morning without speaking to him and really thought to myself "I need to leave, move home, whatever it takes".

Here's the kicker, he called me at work later in the morning and told me a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. I kind of brushed him off because I was mad. Then I watched it all unfold. He called me back right after lunch in hysterics, having just learned his aunt and uncle were on Flight 11, the first plane to hit the towers. I seriously blame 9/11 for us staying together as long as we did, that and his cousin's sudden death of a heart attack the following May. I guess I couldn't walk away with all that tragedy happening. Shoulda left way back at the engagement party!

[Bernadine]

Ha. I just remembered the huge fight we got into on our honeymoon. He threw his ring across the hotel room and I was crying, thinking I was going to walk off the plane telling my parents we were divorcing.

[naeljun]

The night of his bachelor party we got into a huge, huge fight. I really can't remember what it was about but we almost called off the wedding. We should have.

[mandimija]

Honestly? Before we were even engaged. XH wasn't doing as well as he would have liked in his studies, amd blamed time spent with me. I contrast, I was kicking ass with a 4.0. He claimed I was holding him back. Me, being the idiot I was, tried to work it out, thinking that this was normal crap in college relationships. The resentment continued in grad school. My academic career took off, his didn't, and I caught hell at home for it. I stayed another 4 years.

I definitely should have left after I reacted to what I now realize was the beginnings of his abuse and he called off the engagement claiming that I was 'crazy' and selfish (because I needed some freaking sleep amd was getting maybe 4 hours a night...while trying to take care of him). Of course, I wanted to work it out and thought that it was just the stress of my full time job and going to school full time while planning a wedding. Which it was in part. Friends and family told me it was normal, just stress/jitters and we'd both realize we were being idiots. Which we were. The other part was that he was just an abusive asshole. I stayed another 3 years.

I should have left soon after the wedding. Six months after we were married, I pissed him off for some reason. I think I got a text while he was talkimg and looked down to see who it was from. He drove like a maniac, threatened to throw my phone put the window and called me a selfish bitch. Later, he blamed me for making him endanger us.

I can't believe I didn't leave after he sexually assaulted me. Of course, I was so screwed up by then that I didn't recognize it as a rape. I just knew I didn't want him touching me. At all. And I scrubbed my skin til it was raw. I stayed another year.

I was terrified of failure, amd had a hard time leaving, especially because he was such a 'nice guy' in front of everyone else. Add in Catholic and Southern Baptist guilt and you've got a recipe for a woman staying far longer than she should have. It took about a year of self work and a year of therapy to realize that I didn't fail my marriage. XH did the moment he decided to abuse me. Though I don't quite recognize the girl I was anymore, I do sympathize with her. Perhaps this is one reason I'm toying with going back to school to become a DV counselor and work with the women and children affected by these situations.

[achase123]

Probably the first time he didn't come home. Or maybe when I was contacted by one of the OW and she told me they'd gotten a hotel room together when I was OOT. Then I found the hotel receipt...still that was December and I didn't kick him out until July.

[explorer2001]

I didn't know it at the time, but I should have run the day we met. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. He was trying to play the white knight rescuer. He acted like he did so much for me (he didn't) and I owed him for that. A few weeks later he failed to stand up for me when one of his friends hit me (because it was a joke and a misunderstanding). There's more but yeah it was a mess from day one. I just couldn't see it at the time because our friends were pushing us together and I'd had a huge falling out with my family from leaving the prior bad relationship.

[dakotadangerdog]

Oh lets see, any of the huge fights we got into when we were FIRST DATING. The time he tried to break up with me while we were in Mexico on vacation with our friends (I cried and begged him to change his mind. I'm pretty sure he was just doing it to get a reaction, if I hadn't freaked out he would have gotten mad at me). All of the times that he got drunk and yelled at me for various things. All of the times he accused me of cheating on him for exactly 0 reasons. We basically never should have dated in the first place. I seriously feel like I was brainwashed or something lol.

[explorer2001]

Sept 7, 2012 11:19:23 GMT -5 mandimija said:

Honestly? Before we were even engaged. XH wasn't doing as well as he would have liked in his studies, amd blamed time spent with me. I contrast, I was kicking ass with a 4.0. He claimed I was holding him back. Me, being the idiot I was, tried to work it out, thinking that this was normal crap in college relationships. The resentment continued in grad school. My academic career took off, his didn't, and I caught hell at home for it. I stayed another 4 years.

I definitely should have left after I reacted to what I now realize was the beginnings of his abuse and he called off the engagement claiming that I was 'crazy' and selfish (because I needed some freaking sleep amd was getting maybe 4 hours a night...while trying to take care of him). Of course, I wanted to work it out and thought that it was just the stress of my full time job and going to school full time while planning a wedding. Which it was in part. Friends and family told me it was normal, just stress/jitters and we'd both realize we were being idiots. Which we were. The other part was that he was just an abusive asshole. I stayed another 3 years.

I should have left soon after the wedding. Six months after we were married, I pissed him off for some reason. I think I got a text while he was talkimg and looked down to see who it was from. He drove like a maniac, threatened to throw my phone put the window and called me a selfish bitch. Later, he blamed me for making him endanger us.

I can't believe I didn't leave after he sexually assaulted me. Of course, I was so screwed up by then that I didn't recognize it as a rape. I just knew I didn't want him touching me. At all. And I scrubbed my skin til it was raw. I stayed another year.

I was terrified of failure, amd had a hard time leaving, especially because he was such a 'nice guy' in front of everyone else. Add in Catholic and Southern Baptist guilt and you've got a recipe for a woman staying far longer than she should have. It took about a year of self work and a year of therapy to realize that I didn't fail my marriage. XH did the moment he decided to abuse me. Though I don't quite recognize the girl I was anymore, I do sympathize with her. Perhaps this is one reason I'm toying with going back to school to become a DV counselor and work with the women and children affected by these situations.

Hugs. I could have written most of this post. Please at least volunteer with a DV group (I do) and then you can go back to school when/if you are ready.

[BookLover]

When he got mad at me when I told him I was having a girl. I knew at that point, I was done. I just couldn't fly at that point. I hung around for year and some change. I had to plan the move. Everything escalated from there. The physical abuse started and it sealed the deal.

[Deleted]

Me, 5'6 and 130 pounds sending him a pic and him wanting to call the wedding off after that. I don't know what went on in his head. I was totally calm and said I was OK with his decision if he didn't want to marry. I wasn't going to force anyone. He begged me to marry him after that. Then we had a fight a couple weeks after about what to do after the wedding. Since we got married in my home country, the 2 friends that came for him wanted to tour Europe (one is his asshole BF). He wanted to tour Europe with them instead of going on a small honeymoon with me. Keep in my that he was going to be deployed for 1.5 years like 2 months after the wedding and it was a fairly recent info. He learned he was going to be deployed 4 months before the wedding we had been planning for a year. I felt like I was competing against his friends. And you know what? In the 6 years we've been married, he always put his friends before me.

Then in 2009 my mom passed away. The day she passed, he had organized an afternoon of board games and drinking at a couple's place 2 blocks away. I wasn' in the mood to go and I told him so thinking that of course, it was obvious I was not coming. He got pissed at me because I was ruining all his efforts to meet other married couples with no kids. I was so calm. I told him I wasn't going and if he wanted to go he could. And he did.
3 days later I flew back home for my mom's funeral. I came back a week later. It was during the annual 4-day long birthday bash of his asshole BF. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport. He changed his mind because that meant he had to live the party for a day to pick up his grieving wife from the aiport. Told me to take a shuttle instead.

Why I didn't leave his ass in those 2 instances baffle my mind. No wonder I was going crazy with a guy like that.

[omeomi]

It's amazing the amount of shit we've all had to deal with

For me, I'm sure there were plenty of things I should've second guessed over the years. But the real last straw should have been the first time he took the ring back. It happened multiple times. Anytime I wasn't living up to his ('now that we're engaged') expectations, he demanded I hand the ring back over. He would go on and on about how he spent so much time and money designing that thing, I didn't deserve it, he should just sell it, blah blah.

I wish I would've wised up the first time he pulled that shit. The last time he took it, I never got it back. And I stupidly kept planning a wedding for months after that because he said he was waiting for the 'right time and place' to give it back to me.

[mclovin]

What should have been the last straw is when he hit the baby. Instead, I gave him a chance to get help. That didn't work out. In fact, he decided that it was my fault he hit the baby. Not sure how his brain malfunctioned and I wish there was an explanation for this bullshit from him. I tried everything to keep the family together and it is coming back to bite me in the ass in the divorce.