Ok, need advice...

[udscoobychick]

I reserve the right to DD later. Sorry, this is long and rambling. Backstory: BF is much older than me, we've been dating for almost 2 years, and my parents don't approve. BF normally dates women his own age (he does NOT chase younger ones), but we were friends for a year before we started dating, and we just "clicked," in spite of the age difference.

So, I talked to my mom last night. My dad didn't even get on the phone. 8-D They still flat-out refuse to meet BF because they don't approve of the relationship, due to the age difference. I told her that it was disrespectful to me not to meet him and that I was frankly embarassed at their behavior, especially in light of the fact that BF's family has welcomed me with open arms, let me stay with them, insisted that I be included in family pictures at his daughter's wedding, etc. I said that they can't bury their heads in the sand and wish it away forever. I suggested the compromise of having my official birthday dinner be just family, but then they meet BF some other time while they're visiting that weekend--no dice. Anyways, the talk went on for quite a while, but the end result is that they still refuse to meet him, and I still want them to.

Basically, I need to decide whether I still want them to come down to visit for my birthday or not. On the one hand, if I tell them not to come down, I feel like I'll sound like a pouty kid, which is NOT the way to say, "I'm an adult, and you need to respect my life and my choices." It will also be a big fucking deal. My family is close, and birthdays are important--if I say don't come, that is drawing a line in the sand. It's a scary thing to do. I don't know if I want this to be my hill to die on right now. It will be eventually, but I don't know that this is the right time to put my foot down. Maybe I should wait until BF and I are engaged to escalate this conflict between my parents and me. Or maybe now is as good of a time as any.

On the other hand, if they do come down but don't meet BF, what have I accomplished? Even if I invite them with the intention of being the bigger person and keeping lines of communication open, etc., I'm worried that it will seem like I've given in. Also NOT the way to demand respect. Plus, the entire weekend will be strained and akward, and I'll be resesentful the whole time that they're here. On the other hand, perhaps seeing in person exactly how much pain they're causing me by behaving like this might put things into perspective for them.

Anyways, what would you do? What say the wise ladies of SO? I need a :drink:.

[Deleted]

What's the age difference? Have they stated this is the sole reason they do not approve? Is anything that they are saying valid? What is and has been your relationship with your parents like?

[roselis]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I agree that you have to put your foot down. You are an adult, and your parents should at least respect your decision even if they do not like it.
How feasible is it for to say "You guys can still come visit, but BF will be at my birthday dinner. He is a part of my life and you need to respect that."

[dakotadangerdog]

That's tough. I think I'd put my foot down. I'd just tell them straight up in the most adult way possible that you're not interested in seeing them if they can't respect you enough to meet your boyfriend of almost two years. I'd tell them that obviously since your family is so close and you know this is important to them that it's a big deal for you to want to cancel, so this is clearly even MORE important to you.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:07:35 GMT -5 doglove said:

What's the age difference? Have they stated this is the sole reason they do not approve? Is anything that they are saying valid? What is and has been your relationship with your parents like?

24 years. This is the sole reason that they disapprove--my mom even flat-out stated that he sounds like a good man who treats me well.

My parents were very strict when I was growing up. They still think of me as their little girl, even though I'm almost 26. They have an idea of what my life should look like, and every time I stray from that (i.e. working as a baker instead of using my college degree for a while, not dating someone my own age), I get lectures about it.

I have tried to distance myself from them somewhat (I live 500 miles away, I email my mom a couple times a week, max, rarely talk on the phone to either of them, etc.) in order to grow on my own, but I still see them maybe 4-6 times a year, and I do value that because I do love them. Their hearts are in the right place, but they're just a bit narrow-minded and overbearing.

[marigoldgirl]

I'm sorry you are still dealing with this. I remember you having this problem last year. I would put it in writing to them that you understood last year them not meeting him but this year it is different. I would tell them that they raised you to make good decision and if they love and respect you they should also respect your decisions. Your future is with you SO not your parents. They are acting like children and should be treated as such. Put your foot down. He is not going anywhere and they need to accept that. They don't need to love him but they should treat him with the common courtesy that even a stranger deserves.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:12:41 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 7, 2012 10:09:09 GMT -5 @roselis said:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I agree that you have to put your foot down. You are an adult, and your parents should at least respect your decision even if they do not like it.
How feasible is it for to say "You guys can still come visit, but BF will be at my birthday dinner. He is a part of my life and you need to respect that."

I like this idea. Tell them they're welcome to come but since it's your birthday and your house (if they're staying with you) it's your rules. They're welcome to come and enjoy your celebration, but you wont tell your bf not to come because they are the ones with the issue.

I had suggested going out to a wine-pairing dinner, and when they said that sounded good, I said something about how BF and I were excited about going, which is what prompted this whole phone call. They usually take me out, so I can't insist that they pay for him.

I guess I could plan something different that would be at my house and say "This is how it's going to be, come if you want to."

They usually stay in a hotel.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:10:10 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Oh my. I don't get how meeting him is such a big deal for them. Would they want their relationship with you forever damaged because they won't even MEET this man? How shortsighted. What if you marry him? Just seems like a battle they can't win.

This is what gets me. I think they're in denial about the fact that this is seriously jeopardizing their relationship with me.

[ECB]

I would draw the line in the sand now. Why wait until your engaged? If you believe that's going to happen, the sooner they meet him, the more time they have to (hopefully) realize he's a good guy.

He's a big part of your life. To say "don't come" isn't being a pouty kid. It's being an adult who is saying "he's a part of my life and to refuse to meet him is to ignore a huge part of where I am right now.".

It's been 2 years and you clearly haven't put your foot down. You still see them 4 - 6 times a year? Of course they are going to keep refusing because in reality, nothing has changed. They still see you on their terms and all is good.

So.... change the terms. Let them know you aren't going along w/ this anymore.

[udscoobychick]

I think what makes it tough is that since they live so far away, when they have visited for my birthday in the past, I spent the time with pretty much just them and dedicated the weekend to them because they had come out of their way to see me. I do the same for any friends who come visit me other times of the year--I plan around the visitor. I guess I need to sort of shift my frame of mind to be that I will plan whatever I want with whomever I want, and they're welcome to participate in any of it, if they care to.

[ECB]

Sept 7, 2012 10:35:39 GMT -5 udscoobychick said:

I think what makes it tough is that since they live so far away, when they have visited for my birthday in the past, I spent the time with pretty much just them and dedicated the weekend to them because they had come out of their way to see me. I do the same for any friends who come visit me other times of the year--I plan around the visitor. I guess I need to sort of shift my frame of mind to be that I will plan whatever I want with whomever I want, and they're welcome to participate in any of it, if they care to.

But I would assume most of your visitors have met your BF and don't expect you to exclude him, and probably even welcome him joining you all.

He's a big part of your life. You say you and your parents are close - but how can you be when they actively want nothing to do w/ a major factor of your life??

[jade28]

Just to play the other side...

Maybe they are "acting out" because they feel you aren't listening to their concerns. I mean 24 years is a big age gap and can without a doubt cause issues at some point. My sister married someone just 14 years older and it has caused so many problems. A big age gap means different life stages at different points (which can lead to having different life goals, perspectives, etc.), it means you may have to take care of him and his health when you are still relatively young and healthy (so you could miss out on life itself), it means he may not have the energy to be active and go out when you are still at your prime, it means having kids can become an issue if you want them, etc. etc.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed by any means or anything but their concern is legit even if their behavior is not.

Have you acknowledged with them the age gap and the issues it can cause and how you plan to address the issues? Have you communicated with them about the issues and how the two of you plan to make the relationship work so that you don't "miss out"?

Maybe they feel acting this way will get you to listen to them...if they see you are listening and understanding but making the decision anyway to be with him, they will just finally let it go. I don't know, just offering another perspective.

I do think they need to get over it and be supportive. It's up to you ultimately how you want to handle this. Is he worth losing your parents support? B/c you may just have to move forward without them if they can't come around.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:37:57 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 7, 2012 10:35:39 GMT -5 udscoobychick said:

I think what makes it tough is that since they live so far away, when they have visited for my birthday in the past, I spent the time with pretty much just them and dedicated the weekend to them because they had come out of their way to see me. I do the same for any friends who come visit me other times of the year--I plan around the visitor. I guess I need to sort of shift my frame of mind to be that I will plan whatever I want with whomever I want, and they're welcome to participate in any of it, if they care to.

But I would assume most of your visitors have met your BF and don't expect you to exclude him, and probably even welcome him joining you all.

He's a big part of your life. You say you and your parents are close - but how can you be when they actively want nothing to do w/ a major factor of your life??

This is very true.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:38:23 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Just to play the other side...

Maybe they are "acting out" because they feel you aren't listening to their concerns. I mean 24 years is a big age gap and can without a doubt cause issues at some point. My sister married someone just 14 years older and it has caused so many problems. A big age gap means different life stages at different points (which can lead to having different life goals, perspectives, etc.), it means you may have to take care of him and his health when you are still relatively young and healthy (so you could miss out on life itself), it means he may not have the energy to be active and go out when you are still at your prime, it means having kids can become an issue if you want them, etc. etc.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed by any means or anything but their concern is legit even if their behavior is not.

Have you acknowledged with them the age gap and the issues it can cause and how you plan to address the issues? Have you communicated with them about the issues and how the two of you plan to make the relationship work so that you don't "miss out"?

Maybe they feel acting this way will get you to listen to them...if they see you are listening and understanding but making the decision anyway to be with him, they will just finally let it go. I don't know, just offering another perspective.

I do think they need to get over it and be supportive. It's up to you ultimately how you want to handle this. Is he worth losing your parents support? B/c you may just have to move forward without them if they can't come around.

It is a big age difference, and I have told them repeatedly that I understand their hesitation, I understand why they're concerned. I do, truly. When BF and I first started dating, we had these conversations because we understood that the age gap presents some additional wrinkles that aren't present in "normal" relationships, and we wanted to make sure that we were proactive about addressing them. I have tried to stress to my parents that I'm not asking them to like him, and I'm not asking them to even approve of the relationship--I'm just asking them to respect ME enough to meet him, because he is important to me.

[lovelybb]

Well, they are adults and can do what they like and so can you. If they refuse to meet him while he's in town, that is certainly their choice. On the other hand, whatever you decide to do for your birthday, make it clear to them that BF will be there and it is their choice if they'd like to participate or not.

If they try to plan a different bday celebration w/o bf, tell them it's a no go. You get one bday celebration and he will be there.

What does your BF think of all this?

[liubotflittyfud]

Sept 7, 2012 10:09:09 GMT -5 @roselis said:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I agree that you have to put your foot down. You are an adult, and your parents should at least respect your decision even if they do not like it.
How feasible is it for to say "You guys can still come visit, but BF will be at my birthday dinner. He is a part of my life and you need to respect that."

This. Fo' sho'. You are an adult and you are mature enough to have an adult discussion with your parents about the matter and how disrespectful you feel it is. I give you total props. I think this is definitely going to be an uphill battle for you but you will prevail in the end. They should respect that you are standing your ground.

On a second note, is there anything BF can do to alleviate some of your stress? Could he send flowers or a basket of some sort to your parents prior to the visit with a message from him and him alone? Maybe asking for their blessing? Maybe if he reaches out they will see him in a different light and the age difference won't be such an issue?

[Deleted]

I agree w/ ECB, I think it's time to put your foot down. You'd be surprised how quickly they will come around because deep down they probably really don't want to lose you.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:51:33 GMT -5 lovelybb said:

Well, they are adults and can do what they like and so can you. If they refuse to meet him while he's in town, that is certainly their choice. On the other hand, whatever you decide to do for your birthday, make it clear to them that BF will be there and it is their choice if they'd like to participate or not.

If they try to plan a different bday celebration w/o bf, tell them it's a no go. You get one bday celebration and he will be there.

What does your BF think of all this?

I've always done separate friends and family celebrations in the past, but perhaps it is time for that to end. And the family celebrations did include XFI after we had been dating a while.

BF is frustrated that it is causing me so much pain. He understands why they're concerned, and he doesn't blame them for that. He is supportive of however I decide to handle it. They're not making a very good first impression on him, certainly.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 10:56:05 GMT -5 doglove said:

I agree w/ ECB, I think it's time to put your foot down. You'd be surprised how quickly they will come around because deep down they probably really don't want to lose you.

I think that's key to emphasize--that they will lose me if they don't come around.

Thank you everyone for the advice! I really do appreciate it. It helps to get different perspectives. You all are the best! ({)

[jojoandleo]

Sept 7, 2012 10:51:33 GMT -5 lovelybb said:

Well, they are adults and can do what they like and so can you. If they refuse to meet him while he's in town, that is certainly their choice. On the other hand, whatever you decide to do for your birthday, make it clear to them that BF will be there and it is their choice if they'd like to participate or not.

If they try to plan a different bday celebration w/o bf, tell them it's a no go. You get one bday celebration and he will be there.

What does your BF think of all this?

Yep: "Well parents, you are more than welcome to come. Here are my plans, which all include BF. I will not be uninviting him and I will not be making special outside plans with you. If you choose not to come, that is your choice. I will be very sad if you do not come, but I will not allow you to disrespect me or my relationship anymore. Love you!"

[ECB]

Sept 7, 2012 11:32:24 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Yep: "Well parents, you are more than welcome to come. Here are my plans, which all include BF. I will not be uninviting him and I will not be making special outside plans with you. If you choose not to come, that is your choice. I will be very sad if you do not come, but I will not allow you to disrespect me or my relationship anymore. Love you!"

This is perfect. This isn't you telling them "don't come". It's putting the ball in THEIR court and making it their decision.

[formerlyak]

Sept 7, 2012 10:38:23 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Just to play the other side...

Maybe they are "acting out" because they feel you aren't listening to their concerns. I mean 24 years is a big age gap and can without a doubt cause issues at some point. My sister married someone just 14 years older and it has caused so many problems. A big age gap means different life stages at different points (which can lead to having different life goals, perspectives, etc.), it means you may have to take care of him and his health when you are still relatively young and healthy (so you could miss out on life itself), it means he may not have the energy to be active and go out when you are still at your prime, it means having kids can become an issue if you want them, etc. etc.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed by any means or anything but their concern is legit even if their behavior is not.

Have you acknowledged with them the age gap and the issues it can cause and how you plan to address the issues? Have you communicated with them about the issues and how the two of you plan to make the relationship work so that you don't "miss out"?

Maybe they feel acting this way will get you to listen to them...if they see you are listening and understanding but making the decision anyway to be with him, they will just finally let it go. I don't know, just offering another perspective.

I do think they need to get over it and be supportive. It's up to you ultimately how you want to handle this. Is he worth losing your parents support? B/c you may just have to move forward without them if they can't come around.

I agree with all Jade said. I was trying to think of a nice way to say all this, but since she did it so nicely, I'll just quote

I think if you really want to show your parents how mature you are, "forcing" them to meet him or saying "meet him or don't come" are not the way to do it. Rather taking the time to listen to their actual concerns related to the age difference and showing that you hear them and this is how you plan to address them as a couple would be showing a great deal of maturity.

I am guessing they are concerned with a lot of the things Jade mentions. At 26 I never would have thought of most of these things, but at 37 there are things I am starting to notice about my health, my energy, my goals, etc. that I never thought I'd be dealing with until I was "old."

[bowies]

Roselis hit it square on the head.

You don't prove you are an adult by letting your parents set the terms of your life. That's what they are trying to do, and they have been somewhat successful at it. I understand the impulse to not rock the boat and try to keep everyone happy...but in doing that, you're the one who loses out.

"This is my life, this is how it is, and this is the man I love" is a very powerful statement to make. If they see wiggle room in there they're going to exploit it to get their way. They don't have to like your decisions, but they can respect them. I've been through something similar with my parents, and while I'm not going to lie and say everything was hunky-dory right away, the end result was worth it for me.

[formerlyak]

Sept 7, 2012 11:50:45 GMT -5 bowies said:

Roselis hit it square on the head.

You don't prove you are an adult by letting your parents set the terms of your life. That's what they are trying to do, and they have been somewhat successful at it. I understand the impulse to not rock the boat and try to keep everyone happy...but in doing that, you're the one who loses out.

But you also don't prove you are an adult by saying "my way or the highway." You prove you are an adult by having an adult conversation about it first. Then if they are still acting like children after you have shown that you put a lot more thought into it than I imagine they think you have, you can stick to your guns.

Let's just say I learned this the hard way ...

[bowies]

Sept 7, 2012 11:57:48 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Sept 7, 2012 11:50:45 GMT -5 bowies said:

Roselis hit it square on the head.

You don't prove you are an adult by letting your parents set the terms of your life. That's what they are trying to do, and they have been somewhat successful at it. I understand the impulse to not rock the boat and try to keep everyone happy...but in doing that, you're the one who loses out.

But you also don't prove you are an adult by saying "my way or the highway." You prove you are an adult by having an adult conversation about it first. Then if they are still acting like children after you have shown that you put a lot more thought into it than I imagine they think you have, you can stick to your guns.

Let's just say I learned this the hard way ...

If this was a recent reticence on her parents' part, I'd agree with you. But I get the feeling scooby's been spinning her wheels on this for a long time with her parents. The conversations have happened.

[ECB]

Sept 7, 2012 12:08:51 GMT -5 bowies said:

If this was a recent reticence on her parents' part, I'd agree with you. But I get the feeling scooby's been spinning her wheels on this for a long time with her parents. The conversations have happened.

Totally agree. This has been going on for TWO years. For the fact that she talked about how they are strict, they still see her as a little girl, etc - they aren't "getting it" that she isn't. I don't know how any more "conversations" about this are going to help.

But, she doesn't have to draw a line w/ guns blazing. That's why I liked the one suggested text - it makes it THEIR choice about whether to come or not.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 12:08:51 GMT -5 bowies said:

Sept 7, 2012 11:57:48 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

But you also don't prove you are an adult by saying "my way or the highway." You prove you are an adult by having an adult conversation about it first. Then if they are still acting like children after you have shown that you put a lot more thought into it than I imagine they think you have, you can stick to your guns.

Let's just say I learned this the hard way ...

If this was a recent reticence on her parents' part, I'd agree with you. But I get the feeling scooby's been spinning her wheels on this for a long time with her parents. The conversations have happened.

Yup...this conversation has been happening off and on for a year. And I do understand their hesitation, and I have thought things through.

I like how Jojo phrased it.

[udscoobychick]

Sept 7, 2012 12:43:57 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Are you an only child?

Nope, have a younger sister.

[wrathofkuus]

25 and almost 50? Your parents have a point.