Post by estrellita on Aug 26, 2016 18:18:35 GMT -5
I'm at my parents with E and they aren't home yet. I haven't decided if I'm going to tell them what's up, say I don't want to talk about it, or make up that H isn't feeling good. I'm just so frustrated. I should have known. I mentioned multiple times that his car smelled like smoke and he kept wanting to go to the store for random stuff. I used to do that when I was younger and was trying to hide it from my parents. It's not even really about the smoking, it's that it's been going on for months and he's continued to lie to me and said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to deal with the repercussions. Really? So to pay that crap off I told H to look for a second job. I'm not working my ass off to pay for him to run us into debt. I'm just raging. I don't get it. I was starting to feel better about having a plan to pay things off and then he screws it all up. And it's not the first time. He's pulled crap like this multiple times.
Sorry to vent here but I feel like I have no one else right now
ETA my mom called and I lied. Said H wasn't feeling good. I just didn't want to get into it and I suppose it's between us.
Post by luv2rn4fun on Aug 26, 2016 18:18:35 GMT -5
So many ((hugs)) and prayers estrellita. I would not hesitate to spend the weekend, maybe even longer, away. He needs to think, as do you. I hope he is serious about counseling...it's the only way in would give him another chance for many reasons (trust, health, etc). I am sorry you are dealing with this. Also, your lack of affection and him "blaming" you is BS. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.
I'm so sorry, estrellita. I can't even imagine how frustrated you must be. It's so incredibly unfair for him to try and turn any of this around on you. He's an adult, he needs to take responsibility for his actions, and he needs to live with the repercussions of those actions.
estrellita- honestly I wouldn't tell my parents what is going on either. I think your H needs time to think about what he's done, and If it were me I wouldn't want my parents to know what is going on between us just in case we work everything out. I wouldn't want them to still blame him after I had forgiven him.
estrellita- honestly I wouldn't tell my parents what is going on either. I think your H needs time to think about what he's done, and If it were me I wouldn't want my parents to know what is going on between us just in case we work everything out. I wouldn't want them to still blame him after I had forgiven him.
All of this estrellita. I would not say anything to your parents unless you are 200% done and no turning back. They will not be as forgiving as you and will have a hard time moving forward if you decide to work things out. Good luck with everything...thinking of you!
Post by melsamoony on Aug 26, 2016 20:37:24 GMT -5
estrellita ((hugs)) so sorry that happened. Having a weekend to yourself is a good idea. It nay also help your H think through the consequences of his dishonesty and other poor decisions and hopefully make changes.
H has struggled with his weight for a long time and we are trying to figure out a good weight loss program for him. He has tried a lot without much success so it is frustrating.
Post by estrellita on Aug 26, 2016 22:57:24 GMT -5
You guys have a point about not telling my parents. Makes sense not to drag them into it. I do want to work things out but I feel like it'll only be a matter of time before it happens again. I feel like he doesn't comprehend that his decisions affect not only me but his son too. I'm so back and forth right now. Half of me wants to work it all out but the other half wants to say screw it and let him be selfish on his own. I'm so sick of working so hard just to take a huge leap backwards.
estrellita - Just remember that you don't have to make a decision right now. Take as much time as you need to work through your feelings and consider your options. I think everyone else is right about not talking to your parents about it at this point, but you also shouldn't hesitate to find someone to talk to if you feel like that would be helpful.
Again, I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.
estrellita how are you feeling about everything this morning? Are you getting a chance to relax with your parents?
Thanks for asking
I'm ok I guess. It's nice to get some time away. I think we needed that anyways. He's supposedly cleaning and job hunting this weekend. We'll see what actually happens.
People get through worse stuff than this right? I've always been the type of person to try working things out but I can't get over feeling like this is just going to keep happening. The life I want is never going to happen if he keeps doing this. I wanted to pay off some things so we could start TTC #2 but now I feel like that's never going to happen either. We'll never be able to afford it. I just feel like I've been punched in the gut and it sucks.
But we're going to take E on rides today, that should be fun!
Post by HoneySpider on Aug 27, 2016 10:07:11 GMT -5
estrellita Just my 2 cents but....yes, people get through worse than this. But the key is, HE has to want to get through it/make the change. No matter what you do or what you say, you can't force him to do anything, he has to want to do it on his own. And that can be really tough. But sometimes it takes hitting bottom (or something really bad) to make a person realize they need to change. I am hoping your H realizes what he's doing to you (and your family) and wants to make a change so he doesn't hurt you anymore. Although you're obviously part of this, it's not your responsibility to fix things, it's up to him. And that might mean you walking along side him while he does change and make things right, but ultimately he has to take the lead.
I hope you have fun with E today, sounds like just the break you need.
Post by estrellita on Aug 27, 2016 11:02:42 GMT -5
Thanks HoneySpider, I agree. I can nag all I want but at the end of the day this is on him. I can't fix him. I just don't know when it's enough, you know? How far do I let this go? I'm hoping we can get into a counselor so we can start to figure these things out. I don't want to be done, but at the same time, it's not fair to me to put things off again and again because he can't stop spending money behind my back.
Post by melsamoony on Aug 27, 2016 11:47:21 GMT -5
HoneySpider is right on the money with her insight.
estrellita your feelings are completely valid. Any time you discover something that your spouse hasnt been truthful about it feels exactly as you described. Growing up my mom worked with a ministry for women trying to survive infidelity (emotional, physical) and other marriage difficulties and most women she spoke with when they discovered their spouse was hiding something they describe feeling like they were punched in the gut
This may feel immobilizing/insurmontable right now but so long as your H is willing to put the effort in you can and will get through. What has he said so far?
HoneySpider is right on the money with her insight.
estrellita your feelings are completely valid. Any time you discover something that your spouse hasnt been truthful about it feels exactly as you described. Growing up my mom worked with a ministry for women trying to survive infidelity (emotional, physical) and other marriage difficulties and most women she spoke with when they discovered their spouse was hiding something they describe feeling like they were punched in the gut
This may feel immobilizing/insurmontable right now but so long as your H is willing to put the effort in you can and will get through. What has he said so far?
He shredded the credit cards and is going to job hunt. He said the smoking and credit cards were the only things he's lied about. FWIW I do believe he wouldn't cheat and lie about that too. He said he has no excuse and is going to look into counseling. So if he really does all of these things, I'm willing to try. But he needs to do it without my nagging.
estrellita- "he needs to do it without my nagging" is very true. If you have to nag him to change it will never work. I hope he comes through with the changes he says he will make.
Post by melsamoony on Aug 27, 2016 12:39:47 GMT -5
estrellita sorry wasnt trying to indicate he is being dishonest about other things just that when dishonesty is discovered in a marriage your feeling of shock/disbelief/having a physical response is totally normal.
estrellita sorry wasnt trying to indicate he is being dishonest about other things just that when dishonesty is discovered in a marriage your feeling of shock/disbelief/having a physical response is totally normal.
Oh, no I didn't think that from what you said, I get paranoid about that kind of stuff sometimes. He's never given me a reason to think he'd cheat other than lying. I'm just an anxious person so those thoughts cross my mind a lot.
estrellita I really hope he finds a counselor and gets a good lead on another job. It sounds like he is trying to make an effort, I hope he continues and continues! ((Hugs))